Just a little (link) love: yellow submarine edition
February 22, 2018
How would you score your satisfaction with work?
On baby books: “At their worst, the Baby Trainers seemed to suggest that my son was best thought of as an unusually impressive dog, who could be trained, using behavioural tricks, to do what we wanted: if we stopped responding to his night-time cries, he’d learn that he could return to sleep without our assistance and would, as a consequence, stop crying.”
I laugh because much of raising JB has been like training a slightly clever dog. A much more clever dog, Seamus, assists (judges & corrects) us in the training process when he thinks we’re wrong.
Parents: Are you enabling your kids to become functional adults?
Maybe this is what I’m trying to do in therapy – work on the process of moving on and forgiveness. Saying forgiveness is hard for me because I don’t think I’ll ever truly forgive Dad in the sense that I let him off the hook for what he’s done to me and my family, but rather I need to find a way to let go of the hurt and the resentment that’s lurking. Perhaps the conflict there, the inability to accept forgiveness as defined, is what’s preventing me from embracing it.
This analysis of the recent layoffs at B&N makes me sad. Barnes & Noble and Borders crushed most independent bookstores, so they’re no saints, but it makes me sad that B&N is now laying off employees in the way that does look a whole lot like the executives are trying to milk the cash cow for as long as possible until it dies. It also makes me sad that we’ll eventually lose another cool place we liked to meet friends for kids’ activities.
It’s true. When you screw up, even if you didn’t know you were doing it at the time, step up and admit it. Do better.
Yellow Submarine
Would you believe I’ve never listened to the Beatles, before? This is my first, courtesy of JB coming home from daycare singing it.
That link about how to handle the transphobic grandmother is great, and the advice can and should be applied to other issues as well. We’re dealing with another kind of bigotry in the family, and this is the approach we’re taking. We don’t want to end contact with that part of the family, but we are going to protect our child.
Absolutely – I thought that’s something that more people need to hear!
About forgiveness: it crossed my mind that maybe you never need to forgive your dad, but instead understand Past You and forgive her for clinging to hope/not breaking with him sooner/whatever your specific feeling is about what happened. That seems way more possible and healthful than trying to make yourself understand and forgive your dad. But I’m no therapist, and maybe that is also necessary? Interesting food for thought anyway!
Beth – that’s super insightful, thank you for sharing your thoughts. It hadn’t yet occurred to me that Past Me does deserve forgiveness because I’ve not been extending that courtesy to her. I’ve told myself that I did the best I could with what I knew but that’s not the same as forgiving myself for making what I clearly still think of as mistakes.
Just some encouragement on the forgiveness front. I think you’re on the right track with not going with the traditional definition, which is entirely too based on good old fashioned Christian redemption, which is all fine and good in the proper context (of being rendered in one direction only, by an omniscient, omnipotent being capable of infinite love) but not actually that helpful in regular human relationships. To me forgiveness does not mean forgetting the pain or permitting the person to continue to hurt you. In fact I think trying to do so is the opposite of forgiveness, in that you are enabling that other person to continue causing harm in the world rather than allowing them to grow and become a better person, or at least narrowing their avenues to causing further harm. I’m more of an “accept” than “forgive” person, accept and acknowledge the pain they caused and allow myself to feel that pain and anger without judging myself or guilting myself over it. And I endorse bethh’s thoughts on forgiving yourself first if you want to start that process. Good practice, if nothing else!
Thanks for chiming in. My Buddhist background also strongly encourages letting go of hurts and grief, wholesale, but that doesn’t sit well with me because it’s how you allow an abuser to keep abusing you and others.
Acceptance and forgiveness of my younger self is a much more feasible thought.