April 9, 2025
Life with JB
Ten and a half years ago, our agreement on division of labor with JB was that PiC would be the fun parent and I would be the tough parent. We still divide duties along those lines now. Not for discipline, as it turns out, we both discipline equally.
I schedule all the medical stuff and school stuff and fill out all the forms. He schedules and handles all the playdates and library trips and adventures. This works for us. The fun stuff takes so much more energy that I don’t have. Also I like filling out forms. Maybe not 27 forms in a row, which daycare requires, but most forms.
JB’s mad at me because every time I talk about helping out someone, usually we’re talking about people who have needs in the hundreds and I’m pitching in $25-150 depending. They want to give away their savings. I’m opposed to that because you shouldn’t touch your savings for giving away. At the same time, I don’t want to stifle the desire to help others. We’re talking about compromising by budgeting this into the allowance divvying up (currently split between saving and spending) and they’re mad, that I vetoed giving 50%. They do have a point that all their needs and most wants ARE met. I just want them to be practicing the skills and developing the habit of securing your own oxygen mask.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Rather than dropping their midday naps, Smol Acrobat has really come to embrace them. On the one hand, I’m glad they are ready and willing to declare they are tired and need a rest. They physically still do need the naps, they’re a wreck by 5 pm without a nap. On the other hand, it’s a bit confusing. They’re well into year 4, I don’t mind the naps/need for naps on the weekends but it sure makes weekdays hard because they have trouble falling asleep at daycare. Which means most weekdays end with zombie SmolAc.
Zombie SmolAc is NOT good company. Zombie SmolAc is cranky as hell.
Precious Moments
SmolAc, holding up a paper airplane: Do you know what this is? Starts wif a F! It is a Hah hah hah Hewacopter!
*****
Smol Acrobat is still cracking themselves up from JB’s success at getting everyone with the Hey (Name)! / What? / chicken butt!
They love it so much they just do the whole thing on their own now: hey mom! CHICKEN BUTT *dissolves into laughter*
*****
Me: SmolAc, wash your hair. *2 mins later* SmolAc, wash your hair.
SmolAc: Mom? You only have to say it one time and den I can do it so you can just only say it one time.
Me: I don’t have to repeat myself?
SmolAc: Yeah.
Me: I think very recent history shows that’s not true.
*****
JB: What will you do when your teeth fall out?
SmolAc: Buy a new one.
JB: No, you can’t!
I really don’t know what kind of answer JB was hoping for here!
*****
SmolAc: I want to go to movie night!
Me: You can go to movie night.
SmolAc: But not you?
Me: I go to shower.
SmolAc: Okay!
March 12, 2025
Life with JB
At pickup one evening, one of Smol Acrobat’s classmate’s parents commented that their kid comes home and talks about how much JB and Smol Acrobat adore each other and how cute that is.
At that moment, they were running down the hall, Smol Acrobat firmly attached to JB’s back like a little koala burr, both cackling and giggling. It is cute. I’m glad they still enjoy each other. The ratio of cute getting along vs bickering has been on the high side of cute this month and I’m grateful for it.
It occurred to me that this harmony is probably because Smol Acrobat has moved out of their “mommy only” phase and has least one foot firmly back into the “JB ALL THE TIME” phase. As an infant, JB was their favorite person. When they were 2 and 3, they shifted to being more needy with me which made JB quite miffed every time they were rebuffed in favor of me (or dad). Now, though, Smol Acrobat is back in the JB is best camp allowing JB to perform miracles like waking SmolAc after impromptu naps and having them giggle instead of screaming themselves hoarse demanding Dad. JB LOVES being the center of SmolAc’s world. Absolutely loves it. They don’t always want SmolAc around but a hero-worshipping SmolAc is absolutely their jam. This phase will shift again at some point but I’m appreciating the benefits.
The sad bits are when JB isn’t around and SmolAc becomes a deflated balloon: I want Weeeeeee. D:
Life with Smol Acrobat
Swim lessons with Smol Acrobat are no longer terrible for PiC because he doesn’t have to be in the water with them anymore. It was no hardship being in the water with JB because they swam like a fish but Smol Acrobat was a water-resistant kitten who refused to do anything. Now they’re independently working with the coach and actually trying things.
They’re also finally starting to do some chores with less whining and grumping beforehand. It’s not always with a good attitude but it’s finally not always a bad one either.
Related: I’m cracking down on their grunt-stomp behaviors. Their reaction to anything they don’t like or don’t want has always been: grunt-STOMP. This started a couple years ago a while ago, always when they were emotionally disregulated enough that a correction would result in a total meltdown. It felt manipulative but I’m pretty sure they weren’t, it was overwhelm. Now they’re more regulated and it’s time to cut it out. I know it’s time because when I started enforcing the “Nope. None of that”, they actually listened and shaped up instead of turning into a mess of tears. They pulled it when I set a limit on bedtime reading. NGGHH-STOMP.
Ok, you have a choice here: some reading or no reading. Bratty behavior gets no reading. Which is it going to be?
Some reading.
This tracks with what their auntie said about the kids she’s teaching in this age group. The pandemic babies are lacking swaths of socioemotional learning and it’s very apparent. This is the sort of stuff we did with JB at least a year or two earlier than we could with SmolAc and I’d wondered if that was an individual thing or a pandemic baby thing.
Precious Moments
SmolAc: Mommy. You have to take care of me ALL da time…
Me: That’s true
SmolAc: and I have to take care of YOU all da time!
Me: 🥹
*****
Smol Acrobat hates Hopper from A Bug’s Life. Totally freaked out by him. We reassured them: it’s ok, you’re safe, Hopper is just pretend.
Smol Acrobat: yeah! And also VILLAINS are just pwetend!
Ohhhhh … buddy. I’m not going to tell you.
*****
SmolAc: I see another van! And it’s ewectwic!
Me: What? How can you tell? (It’s dark and we’re on the freeway!)
SmolAc: Because I used my BWAIN.
Me: Oh. Ok….
SmolAc: And because I just know.
*****
SmolAc, negotiating: I don’t want to sweep in (JB)’s bed, I just want to hang out wif dem for a widdle bit.
February 19, 2025
Life with JB
Well this was unexpected. After weeks of being ticked off every single time I looked at JB’s room with stuff everywhere, I finally snagged a block of time to dedicate to hands-on guidance of what I mean by organize and clean. It was not pretty. I was grumpy with deep bone pain, it was a hideous mess, but somehow this one session worked out. I had given them specific instructions to sort things into three piles before I came in so that helped.
It still took us two hours to go through and sort, organize, discard recycling candidates. We had to do this over and over. Someday they will start to understand what “everything has to have a home” means. It does NOT mean “shove it in the first available container with a lid but if none are available and you can jam it in between containers and nothing falls down you have cleaned“. We made it through four containers, and are not even halfway through. I was snappish but didn’t lose my temper. They were sluggish but didn’t cop an attitude. Felt like a minor miracle all around. We still have several more rounds to go because if I do it myself it’ll be back to this normal in a matter of days and I’ll be mad. At least if I make them go through every step with me, there’s a chance that some of it might stick.
Update: It does not appear that any habit is sticking but we have done four sessions. Half the room is still a disaster zone but half the room shows progress. That’s not nothing.
A thing that apparently more parents than just us are experiencing (caveat our kids don’t have skin sensitivity, eczema, or any health issues that would mean they SHOULD skip bathing): they keep asking to skip showers. No! We don’t just randomly skip hygiene because you just don’t feel like it tonight or pretty much every other night. Friends have vented about this, too. I can smell you, you must bathe 🤯
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat turned four and suddenly decided they now (sometimes) do things they didn’t do before. Getting dressed quickly instead of dragging their feet for half an hour, for example. They have always been the most dramatic complainer about their vaccines, hobbling for DAYS, and fending off suggestions that we remove the bandaid like a rabid cornered crittter. This year? After the second day of hobbling, I said I’d help take off the bandaid after their shower and they just did it themselves?? What is going ON?
On the other hand, they are still being a total butt wanting us to solve their problems when they could easily solve them.
“I’m HOT!!” when wearing a sweater and a jacket.
Ok, what can you do to solve this problem?
“Ngh!! I’m cold!!”
Ok, your sweater is on the hook.
“NGH!!! NO!”
Precious Moments
Me: How was your day?
PiC: It was ok, the person I needed to answer things is out.
SmolAc: Mom, why did you not call me?
Me: For what?
SmolAc: For having a great day!
****
SmolAc: Mom, I don’t have any teeth!
Me: Oh dear, what happened to them?
SmolAc: I weft them in the car.
****
SmolAc: can I have bugs on a wog?
Me: *squints*
SmolAc: you know, raisins!
****
SmolAc walking in the door like it’d been a really long day: Mom can we make a cake?
Uhhh not today, sorry.
Oh can we make raspberries?
No, we have to grow or buy those, we can’t make them.
*Exasperated* what CAN we make? I want to make something dat is good!
You and me both, kiddo.
****
I put on my socks this morning when JB and PiC were leaving and Smol Acrobat panicked: WHY ARE YOU WEAVING ME??
They’re now as trained as the dogs were to think I leave when I put pants and/or socks on. 😄
****
Smol Acrobat: mom, ten minutes ago I threw up.
…
…
…
WHERE???
December 18, 2024
Life with JB
I am continually amazed by how fast they make friends. It turns out that it’s also hard for them when they have conflict because when they make a friend, they want to KEEP the friends.
Large and deep sigh. Parenting this age is feeling really hard right now. I can’t tell how much is it being complicated and hard versus how to tell how much of this is our own failings as humans and parents versus how much is that it’s just hard to deal with younger humans whose brains are still developing and whose emotions are still all over the place and big and loud. Some people don’t find kids confusing and difficult and those people are not me. I know I’m trying my best, we both are, but sometimes our best is really not good. It’s hard not to have a right answer to every situation. It’s hard not to feel like it is so damn messy and that we’re making mistakes that will require intensive therapy later. Maybe my parenting suffers when I don’t have a dog, because dogs are my refuge and I have no refuge in those hard moments when I want to scream and/or tear my hair out because the kids are being totally irrational and nothing I can say makes things ok or better or make sense.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat loves their electric toothbrush.
They also love tacking on “pants on fire” to literally any phrase they might be saying at the time. Guess what chicken butt PANTS ON FIRE!
They’re a completely grumpy noodle when they wake up most mornings now, any excuse to pick a fight and grouch. Which is super awesome when combined with the grumpy noodle that is their sibling. I think this is related to their inability to nap at daycare anymore – they’re not getting enough sleep. Usually when they get an afternoon nap in, they’re good for a 630 am wakeup. Not that we WANT that, 7 is more civilized, but they’re groggy and overtired even at 715 or 730 on weekdays after not napping. We make sure they can nap on the weekends, and, boy do they, but we can’t do anything about the weekdays. Unlike JB who dropped their nap at 3 years old, this one still really needs that sleep. And naturally, now that we need them up early, JB is also not sleeping enough even with an early bedtime so they’re always tired in the morning. Two grumpy noodles is two too many.
Pupdate
We still aren’t adopting yet. We had Cousin Dog over for a week and he’s so easy and my heart was so happy to have him here. But he’s easy. My friends are remaining me daily that we’re still on Team Not Yet with all the stories of their dogs and shenanigans: one is eating all the non food she can get her jaws around, including their fence and their walls. One is having a tantrum about going out for walks. One is not allowing Mom to go home yet because she has to walk walk walk walk play!! then run then walk.
I laugh a little and remember Ahhhh, right. We don’t have time for that yet.
Precious Moments
SmolAc: da wadder is too cold
*Turn up heat* how about now?
SmolAc: still cold
*Turn up heat* how about now?
SmolAc: still cold
*Turn up heat* how about now?
SmolAc: still cold
*Turn up heat* how about now?
SmolAc: still cold AUGH TOO HOT TOO HOT I DIDN AH-SPECT DAT
🤦🏻♀️
*****
JB: I heard the teachers saying that she could spend some amount of money and get a free turkey at Safeway…… It was like $200. I guess that’s a lot.
Me: Why is that coming up now? It’s 10 pm.
JB: I heard you say turkey.
Me: Nooo… I said I was trying to order COVID tests.
JB: Oh, I heard COVID turkey.
Me: Gross.
*****
SmolAc: I got DIS ONE. *waves a rock around*
JB: that’s a pumice! (Pronounced it poo-mus)
SmolAc: poo??? EWWWWW
Me: Puh-mice, y’all.
*****
Smol Acrobat’s aphorism: if it works, great. If it not works, not great.
*****
Smol Acrobat got mad at me one morning because I picked clothes for them. They wanted a different shirt and asked if they could wear that one instead. I told them that was fine, just go hang up the other one I set out. “But YOU unhanged it!”
November 13, 2024
Life with JB
We were talking with our friends about their overachiever parent friends whose kids have grueling schedules at the age of 13-14. Kids who are getting up at 3-4 am to train for 3 hours before a full day of school, for example. They wondered how unhealthy that might be especially if it’s really the parents pushing an agenda. Even though those parents protest “they love it!” my friend wondered – do they love it or do they not know that there’s any other way? It’s hard to know you can do things differently from the way you’re living, as a child, if you never have time and space to even see those other options existing.
Their own preteen kid has found his stride at school and in sports (they plays their sport regularly and chooses to compete every so often on their own), and their balance of academics and an active lifestyle sounds really good to me.
I’m not always a supportive parent. I try to be but definitely notice the deficiencies in my support. Some things, like tournaments, are probably good for them and so I gently encourage them to consider it but after they chose to do the first one (and did well), they’ve never chosen to do another. It’s too stressful for me anyway to prep them when I have no time or energy and then worry myself sick the week of because I get even worse nerves when it’s my kid competing than when i did. Hilariously, they were mad at me one day for observing their belt progress was impacted by their choice not to compete. It’s not required, but it has a marked effect on performance and how their coaches judge them. They yelled at me: you just want me to compete! Like hell I do. I don’t want six weeks of MORE heartburn! I didn’t try to argue by saying the tournaments are incredibly stressful for me, I just pointed out that that’s not at all what I said – the coaches want you to compete. They’re quite clear about that.
JB recently said they wanted to do the school talent show and internally I cringed so hard. I hate talent shows. I especially hated them at JB’s age.
Life with Smol Acrobat
They are a cautious late adopter sort of personality, suspicious of new things and/or change, which is very familiar now that I write that. They’re a little less so when they get to pick for themselves, which is rare when it comes to clothes because we still circulate hand me downs.
When I showed them new shoes last year, they rejected them out of hand. When we first started cutting their hair, they hated it. But with repetition they get better about it. I’m learning though! I offered them one bite of my cream cheese and lox bagel: I don’t WIKE dat. The next day: may I twy one bite?
I let JB use their electric toothbrush long before I bought Smol Acrobat’s. They could be heard hanging around JB brushing: may I try dat?
Pupdate
I love it when I catch the neighborhood dogs on their walks. Especially the ones who know me, they refuse to keep walking until I’ve given them sufficient pets.
Precious Moments
SmolAc: What are you going to be for Halloween?
Me: Mommy.
SmolAc: You can be a mommy wif wots of bandages! You can be a mummy! 🤣
That’s their first pun! They were so tickled. JB hasn’t yet cracked the code on puns.
SmolAc, holding up the plastic popsicle wrapper with their melted popsicle: What’s dis? Bwood? (Blood).
Me: My god I hope not.
SmolAc: I want to go to the moon some day. I’m going to live on the moon!
Us: Oh man, are you going to come back?
SmolAc: Yeah I will.
Us: Oh good. We’d miss you.
October 30, 2024
Life with JB
I need to make some decisions about JB’s placement in their self defense class. Or not. I could just wait until they age out of this class naturally. That’s coming up sooner than I’m ready to face. I hate the timing of the next age up class. It’s also unbelievably crowded and they need to split the class somehow. JB is still showing up and putting in the time but they aren’t putting in the kind of effort I would like to see to keep building their skills. Their same-age peers have already bailed on this age class, which means they’re getting practice partners who are very inexperienced instead of someone just about their level that can give them a challenge. I don’t care if they compete for the medals. I care if they compete because it gives them more experience with reacting under pressure. They tend to freeze and this whole exercise is about getting them to a place where they are comfortable defending themselves against the next kid who hits them instead of putting up with getting hit or kicked for weeks before telling anyone.
Sigh. We’re so different. At this age, I would vomit if I had to speak in front of the class but woe betide the kid that laid a hand on me. I’m not saying my way is better but their way worries me for their general safety.
JB’s whole school seems to be obsessed with Disney’s Descendants. Where did that come from? The show/movies have been around for a few years, it’s just hit the elementary school consciousness all of a sudden. I don’t love it.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Both kids are so clingy this month. Mostly clinging to me randomly, jostling each other to hold my hands when we walk anywhere, and occasionally with each other (Smol wanting to sit next to JB for dinner, not the adults). It’s a lot of touch. Too much touch.
Smol Acrobat is getting better at putting up utensils, they actually do better without me nearby so I now just tell them to do it and walk away. They still needed some handholding for laundry at the start of the month but at the end when I sent them to deal with the small pile waiting to be put away, they did it entirely independently!
It feels like they are a year behind JB in almost everything. No idea if it’s their being a pandemic baby, we’re so much more busy and tired, or just their personality. It doesn’t matter, either, it’s just struck me that we’re doing lots of things a year later than we had with the first round. We had their first dishwashing lesson this month; we did dishwashing with JB at 3. That was just me not thinking about it. But I saw them deliberately mismatching their socks this month, JB started that around 2. They’re talking a lot more, and singing now, even! JB sang at the top of their lungs starting around 2. Hasn’t stopped. (I wish it would stop on occasion, there are only so many times I can hear the same song before my ears quit.)
Pupdate
I’m spending time with every local pup that I come across. Doing what I can to fill my dog quota even just a little.
Precious Moments
Half crouching, Smol Acrobat: don’t wook at me pwease.
Me: Uh ok. Why?
Smol Acrobat: Because you’re doing someping and so I don’t want you to see me.
Me: Well, that didn’t clear anything up.
*****
JB, out of the blue: E picked me for the noodle but then C took the noodle and picked A for the Yoda ball instead!
Me: Whoaaaaa back up. What??
They frequently begin in the middle of conversations and I mimic pressing “Rewind” which, of course, goes right over their head.
*****
Smol Acrobat: I have so many teef in my body! An’ in my head, an’ my cheek, an’ my odder cheek, an’ my neck, and dis neck, and my what’s dis called?
Me: the back of your head?
SmAc: yeah! Dere too!
Me: Oh wow, that’s a lot of teeth. A whole lot.
September 18, 2024
Life with JB
Our friends with kids between ages 7-11 who go to a different school were telling us their sixth grader was the last one in the class to get a cell phone. That even kids as young as second graders already have Apple Watches and phone and all the devices. So even though they didn’t plan to do soon, they gave their 6th grader a cell phone and it’s already caused a lot of problems.
Also, maybe related maybe not, or maybe it’s just a compounded thing, they’re now really struggling with the kid’s attitude problem. It feels like that switch to mega-attitude happened overnight, they said. I’m not so sure about that. We last spent time with them two years ago and the kid was pretty flipping disrespectful then. Here’s hoping it’s just a phase but I honestly do wonder how unhealthy it is for kids as young as second grade to have cell phones. I suspect there were kids in JB’s class who either had a phone or access to one earlier, one of them was pestering them last year about sharing their number for messaging. JB’s allowed to use my phone to text people we already know but I think it’s way too early to let them use messaging things unsupervised. Of course I’m not quite sure when is the right time. Only pagers were around when I was a teen, cell phones weren’t common until college. Developmentally THAT felt like probably the less damaging timing but that’s not realistic for this generation.
They definitely want a phone but we still have to have a few more talks about conduct and safety and so on. Heck, before we put a phone in their hands, we need to have the puberty talks.
Life with Smol Acrobat
More chores: I’d taught Smol Acrobat to hang up their clothes in May, once, and then we never got back around to it. But when we did, they remembered how! I was so proud.
They’ve been helping put away clean laundry more often. JB obviously also loves this development. Smol Acrobat is on duty for: toilet paper refilling, hanging up their own clothes, putting away the utensils, and running deliveries from room to room. They also help with the actual laundry if they’re around but I do it during the week when I’m alone most of the time. That’s not too shabby for a three year old. I’ll have to think of what’s next for JB to do as Smol Acrobat starts to take over their responsibilities. Putting the bins out and taking them back in might have to go on the official roster.
Joint birthday parties have become a thing this year for the pre-preschool set. Daycare parents are combining their birthday parties not just for siblings but for classmates. I don’t think I get along with anyone enough to want to co-plan a birthday party.
Every night, PiC asks JB about their day. Smol Acrobat usually goofs off or talks to me during this ritual. Suddenly this month, they wanted in on this. “I want to talk about my day!” And then they reel off several disjointed phrases that may or may not eventually make sense. At first none of them did but now they’re getting better with practice. They’re a bit of a late bloomer verbally so this is rather charming.
Pupdate
I should remove this section but I can’t quite bring myself to yet. Realistically we’re at least a year away from being ready to add the heavy lifting of adding a rescue pup to the family. But in my dog deprivation, I started browsing rescue listings and that helped for a minute, but only a minute. Then it turned into sadness again. Sadness for the dogs and sadness that I know I’m not ready yet.
But borrowing our neighbors’ dogs has been a decent treat. I appreciate them trusting me with their pups for short playdates.
Precious Moments
I gave Smol a small art kit for a longer car ride. Just some scratch paper and a little Ziploc of mismatched crayons. “Whoa! Dat’s impwessive!”
*****
Crossing the bridge, JB called their attention to the water around us: Das beeeoootifooo!
*****
JB: hey mom! I have a riddle. Well, not a riddle. It’s a question I know the answer to. What do mice use for swords? It’s not a joke.
*****
Smol Acrobat just said very aggressively: I making a cookie for YOU because you were WISTENING!
*****
JB dressed Smol Acrobat up in their old Batman costume and taught them to growl: I’m Batman!
Yeah, ok.
Then they instructed them to growl: I have nine limbs!
Wait what?
*****
JB, angrily: Homework is the WORST!
Smol Acrobat: No! I’M the worstest!
Anything to be part of things with JB, I guess.
*****
Smol Acrobat: I’m angwy!
Me: that’s so sad. You have chores.
SA: no, I have no hands!
Me: ok, then do them with your feet.
SA: …..