(Saved from drafts purgatory: I started writing this last summer and ran out of energy and brain cells.)
A few weeks ago, I guiltily texted a friend to check in and make plans to meet up. I was about 7 months overdue in setting this up, but I’d also spent four of those months trying to stop being sick and the rest of them just getting my mental stability back. I felt terrible that I’d been so unable to set up playdates before.
When I did hear back, it was a doozy. She’d been physically abused by her spouse and he’d been arrested. She was filing for divorce without a lawyer and scared because his family has money and connections while she has no family in the area. I was stunned. Then I offered to help do research to find her pro bono legal aid and other support with the kids. It’s going to be an uphill battle for her. I worry how she’s going to do it alone and if she’s going to be able to keep primary custody of the kids. We’ll do our best to offer support but I’m not sure how much we can do (or what she needs, yet, either).
Relaying all this to PiC later, I thought about how hard it would be to have to suddenly leave your marriage like that, and with kids. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate divorces when they can happen. In far too many cases, they can’t happen. People are stuck in unhappy and/or abusive marriages because they don’t have the resources to leave or don’t even know they’re being abused and think they’re the cause of unhappiness.
I’ve known people who tried to stick it out until they couldn’t take it any longer and left, feeling broken and starting over with nothing. I’ve known people who left with just the clothes on their backs. I’ve known people who negotiated from a position of knowledge and power, leaving the marriage happiness and dignity intact. From good to terrible and everything in between.
It’s not the first time I’ve been on the sidelines helping out a friend through this kind of thing. Every time, I’m reminded how important it is to have your own means of earning income and access to your own money. And it’s hard not to look at our own lives while worrying about how friends are going to get through this. No matter how strong we think we are as a couple, I can’t assume that we’d never change such that we might be happier apart, someday. I don’t think it’s inevitable, I just know that I can’t know what the future holds. Not a comfortable feeling but what feelings are? I’m still not at peace with feeling my feelings.
If we were to split up, we’d always said we’d split everything equally. Even assuming an amicable split, that would still leave each of us in a more challenging position than before. He would have to learn to manage his own money. I would have to learn to maintain my own vehicle.
I probably couldn’t afford to live in this area on just my salary and I’d need to pay for my own healthcare. Rent in this area for a smaller space runs between $3000-4000. After utilities, gas and insurance, groceries, there wouldn’t be much left. I always start with savings but at a certain point in the income vs expenses axis, that margin gets really slim. If I left the area to, say, live with a surrogate parent for a time to save money, shared custody would quickly get complicated. I can’t imagine a world where he wouldn’t want to share custody but I’ve heard that before, so let’s assume there’s also a chance I’d have them most of the year. Figuring out how to share time would be messy, transporting young kids back and forth long distance would be painful. Managing single parenting life with two young children would be unbelievably tough. Coparenting is already difficult now with these two. Not having back up? Good grief. I might crumble under the pressure of the already difficult juggling act. All of this is assuming it’s an amicable split. I’ve seen it happen but it seems rare in the dozens of divorces I’ve witnessed.
None of it would be impossible but it would be several extra heaps of challenges. That doesn’t even touch the emotional toll it would take on everyone. I certainly wouldn’t be able to afford therapy which would also certainly mean I’d struggle to manage my pain and fatigue on a long term basis. Early retirement would be off the table. Maybe retirement wouldn’t be but it’s hard to say what kind of impact splitting up would have on that without running some numbers.
All of this to say, I find it hard to mentally manage the logistics from a position of relative comfort and safety. I know it’s much harder for others who have young children, and/or less savings, and/or less recent or even any work history, and/or made less money.
I hate that so many people have to stay in bad relationships and bad jobs to keep financially afloat and keep healthcare.
People should have better options than to tolerate abuse or toxicity to keep basic needs met. They shouldn’t have to hope they’ll get lucky enough to have a support network that might help out enough to scrape by.
Year 5, Day 19: My OB’s covering person is being really thorough. She’s approving routine prescription refill requests, and emailed me to follow up on health issues I reported in 2019 and 2020 first, before approving them. They’re not a problem anymore but that was weird and unexpected. If only all doctors were as diligent (and believed their patients with chronic issues).
Brain fog is thick today, and I find myself easily irritated by the littlest things that require brain processing. I have so little to spare today, y’all, I need every little bit I can hold onto! But I got through a record amount of work with some time to spare for recruiting JB into my weeding crusade. Quality may be another question entirely but for now we’re not asking that one.
But in “happyyyyy??” (as they would say it) news, it was Smol Acrobat’s turn to make me think they were bodyswapped. They ate their entire dinner using their own hands, including veggies, without a complaint or dragging heels. After each food group they’d turn to me: I ate my vegetables, are you happyyyyy?? They used the toilet and the real capper: put on their face lotion all by themselves. They NEVER do the face lotion! They always kick and whine and fuss. I know it won’t last so I’ll marvel over it now.
Year 5, Day 20: Our bills coming due this and next month will be spectacular in the blowing cash flow sort of way. I keep thinking what on earth did we spend on??? Oh yes, Sera š¶ (4 digits this month alone), the new washing machine (another 4 digits), therapy. Some big ticket items are coming up soon too, between life insurance and homeowners insurance premiums, so I am having to harness my “we have enough cash for all the things” feelings, particularly when it comes to mutual aid. There’s so much need but we have to take care of our responsibilities first.
Speaking of which: we have a working washing machine again! Thank goodness. We didn’t replace the dryer because it was still working, please cross your fingers that it continues to behave another few years to justify not replacing them both at the same time (which would have saved $300). I’d like to keep it out of landfill for at least 3 more years (totally arbitrary number).
After getting dive bombed by that daddy long legs, and catching and releasing it outside, I caught the little sneak trying to get back inside the house three more times. I yelled “you don’t live here” but it just tucked up against a box and ignored me. Rude.
I took the Favorite IA Supporting Character Quiz and ended up with Her Grace. I do like her a lot. But maybe primarily because she’s linked her survival to Dina and so she won’t turn on her. I’d be less of a fan if she weren’t so bound.
Year 5, Day 21: šæļø mode today. My brain wants to dwell on “you’re a bad friend and a bad person“. I asked a longtime friend for advice and they were angry at me when it landed as selfish and inconsiderate. Of course I apologized, I try not to be horrible to my friends intentionally but am not immune to accidentally being so. They haven’t spoken to me since so it feels like I broke our friendship over asking for advice. That feels awful. And as another friend observed, my brain reflexively blames me when things go sideways so if someone I respect and care about deeply called me selfish, maybe they’re right. I mean, they’re definitely right that I haven’t been able to check in with everyone I care about on a regular basis. I try, but this year has kicked my ass in so many dimensions I can’t even count the number of ways I feel like a failure, so that plus one, now. Maybe there’s something else going on but, in the end, they felt I was selfish at them and seemingly don’t want to be friends anymore. That sucks. This whole thing hurts. But I’ve done my best to mend fences to no result, so the best I can do now is to try not to destroy myself over this.
My gut reaction (to blame myself and go to that dark place of just how horrible am I) is not super healthy so, after a hefty dose of therapy, I’m working overtime to stay in neutral emotionally even if I can’t manage to be affirming. That means constantly redirecting my brain every single time it wants to go There. That means SQUIRREL!
I started a load of laundry. Filled the dishwasher and started that.
My seeds still haven’t shipped. *Poke poke* Ship them! So that I can plant them and then stare at the soil waiting for them to grow..
We had to file our tax return very close to the deadline so it’s still processing. Poking “Where’s my refund” won’t make them process any faster buuuuut…
I ordered garden stakes, maybe they’ll arrive when the seeds arrive.
I scheduled recheck appointments for Sera š¶ who still isn’t eating nearly enough to sustain life. Her appetite dropped off last week and it’s been a daily struggle to get her to eat anything but a handful of treats. She’s weak and unsteady on her feet much of the day and some of that may be her disease but the low caloric intake cannot be helping. She’s also increasingly resistant to taking her meds. I’d started out giving them to her with pill pockets, now she refuses the pill pockets. She keeps chewing them up and spitting them out. WHY. The whole point is that you don’t need to taste them! I started giving her a handful of treats, roughly the same size, mixed up with those pill pockets. That worked for two doses, then she started chomping on the entire handful and spitting it out. Now I’m wrapping them in smaller pill pocket wraps and embedding treats in those smaller pieces. Cross your fingers that she stops being so picky about it all? I really don’t want to have to pill her twice a day. It’s unpleasant for everyone.
There are MANY more things on my to do list but I can’t seem to spare the executive function to schedule any more things, so keep circling back to my emotional support bank accounts for comfort. Alas, it’s not helping the way it used to.
Year 5, Day 22: Taking care of Sera š¶ is bringing up all the grief from losing Seamus as she declines in small but significant ways. She wandered the hall last night for hours. I took her out for a pee at midnight just to be sure she was ok and she paced intermittently for the next three hours. I listened to the click click click of her nails, remembering Seamus’s last months when he’d have confused nocturnal meanderings and I’d have to get up and help him settle down. But his first choice was to settle right on top of Sera. She didn’t object.
She absolutely refuses to take her meds now. She will take the treat wrapped pills from Smol Acrobat’s palm, not mine, but then she bites it in half and spits it out. Her appetite is very low. Her energy is correspondingly low. She’s still responsive to us but in a grumpy detached sort of way. She doesn’t follow me around half as much as she was doing last month. Her walks are much shorter and a little less frequent, by her preference. She doesn’t like to sunbathe when it’s warm anymore, she prefers when it’s cold. It feels like a lot of these changes developed in the past two weeks. I’m hoping that my gut instinct is right. I’m hoping she’s just exhausted from months of treatment, twice monthly pokes for bloodwork, six walks a day, etc, and needs more time to bounce back. Hell, I’m exhausted from all of this and I’m not the sick one. So I try to hug her and rub her ears as often as I’m tending to her and hope really hard she’s going to come back from this.
Year 5, Day 23: This Ask a Manager post reminds me of my regular musing about retirement (whenever it is, early or not). Will I have enough to occupy my time by then? It really depends on where we are in life by that point. I have friends who retired early who are busier than they were when they worked. We currently have young kids and an aging dog, and that makes us REALLY busy because their needs are so high now but that’ll change. Who knows what that’ll look like ten years from now. And who knows what my community and friendships will look like ten years from now. I’m terminally online socially because I can handle that. Socializing in person, even with people I like a lot, leaves me so very drained.
In other news, I’m so frustrated with these work people who are actively obstructive. Driving home in an empty car, a rarity, I made like Orro and screamed my frustration to the heavens. I did not claw the air, though I wanted to, both hands on the wheel. It helped a little. Like a tea kettle venting steam. Nothing has changed but at least I don’t feel like I’m going to burst with the pressure of keeping it all in.
Year 5, Day 12: I was in a terrible mood yesterday and woke up on the precipice of that terrible mood again today. That, my utter lack of patience for anyone’s anything, and my pain and fatigue during school dropoff when I’ve normally walked twice that distance by the time we’re done – it’s screamingly clear I’m completely at the end of my emotional and physical ropes.
Between last week (travel, Sera’s health scare, hours of catching up, Smol Acrobat suddenly deciding that they’re ready to use the toilet so we have sixteen false alarms a day, Smol Acrobat’s stomachaches that spiraled out of control last week) and the weekend (scrubbing Sera’s vomit out of the carpet, the rug, and off the floor x 4, the washing machine dying, my backup computer turned main work computer trying to die)… I need a break. But I have a full week ahead of me so there’s no room for recovery in sight.
I put myself to work on meditative tasks: washing dishes and cooking turkey for Sera in an attempt to settle my ruff.
*****
I simply don’t understand why people call it “six months of the Gaza war”. It’s a genocide, not a war. The Palestinians are not waging war. A small part of their population is committing crimes and the entire population is being held responsible for it. To quote a friend, “one side in this has the power to exterminate the other and they are using it.” Of course we all know the chaos and horror that suicide bombers can wreak and October 7 was horror upon horror. And then it was followed up by a relentless six month extermination campaign. How is that going to bring any hostages home? They’re murdering indiscriminately, children, women, men, aid workers, it doesn’t matter anymore. Israel is just on an all out destruction rampage. They even killed some of the hostages themselves: 3 hostages killed in Gaza by Israeli troops were shirtless and waving a white flag, official says.
Year 5, Day 5: Taking a moment to reflect on the fact that I really didn’t expect to still be writing my weekly posts into Year 5 of COVID and, since we’re going to apparently be living with it forever, is it time to stop tracking the days? It’s mostly a habit now, like masking, but I don’t intend to stop masking any time soon.
We’ve taken the unusual decision to take the kid on an impromptu quick trip into the wilderness (Yosemite). I have been so busy with work and Sera that I have spent exactly ten minutes discussing or thinking about it, PiC did all the planning and booking. It wouldn’t have happened without him but also without me being an active part of the planning meant lots of things were missed. Not all my fault, we always tend to forget one thing unless my list is really extensive and I’ve been working on it for months.
We forgot to pack laundry mesh bags (small deal), warm hats (eh oops), PiC’s driver’s license (big oops), boots for Sera (which she might not have even been willing to wear). We don’t even own boots for the adults. The kids had rain boots that worked for them but my feet went up a half a size each since Smol Acrobat so my warm fuzzy boots don’t fit anymore. Wonder if it’s worth getting a replacement pair sometime.
Year 5, Day 6: Oh my aching everything. What a time for a flare-up. I had lava bones all night and well into the morning. Not great. Not great at all.
While granting that none of this trip was really made for me, I’ve made the grumpy snap judgment that I am not at a stage in my life where I appreciate nature enough to trade it for inhaling this much dust, being this cold, being this cut off from Internet connectivity and functioning GPS (I cannot stress functioning GPS enough) and being an hour of twisty windy long and slow drive away from anything. The majesty of the park struck me but fades into the background of my physical discomfort and preoccupation.
We always knew my body is no longer fit for camping but assumed I’d be fine near nature in a nice enough accommodation.
Year 4, Day 363: Yesterday was exhausting. We had to entertain people in three shifts, PiC took the middle one so I could get Smol down for a nap. This morning,Ā I swore off Sunday activities for the foreseeable future. Then PiC reminded me we have a commitment next Sunday. Booo! Boo, past me agreeing to that! Shame! It’s not something I can get out of, or I would immediately.
Ah well. On our walk today, I saw one of our neighborhood crows attacking the local hawk, driving it out of their territory. I’m torn. I love the blackbirds I’m trying to befriend but I also love raptors. It was a surprise that it only took one of them, though.
I was wrong about DST not affecting the humans. We’ve been slugs every morning since the time change. We’ve also had several late nights for various reasons which doesn’t help anyone.
My fingers have been like balloons for the past ten days, swelling up and deflating at random intervals. When they’re swollen, the skin gets extra tight and overstretched, the joints are tender, and my fingers can’t bear weight well. This is very annoying.
Year 4, Day 364: My cup boileth over sort of day.
Get up, medicate Sera š¶, take her out for a walk immediately. Give her just a little water to start her day or else she’ll retch it up.
Get the kids out the door.
Sit down to inhale breakfast with one hand and work with the other.
Answer questions, triage emails.
Walk Sera, get her bloodwork results, see that they suck. Have feelings. Write to the vet about her poor appetite and incontinence.
Answer more emails, start digging through HR documentation for answers and find more questions.
Walk Sera, grab a salad for lunch, clean the robot vacuum so it can run while I work and try to untangle another mess. Add urine collection and a run to the vet (45 minutes) to the calendar for tomorrow.
Ask JB to start the rice or take Sera out to the yard for a pee before we left the house. They wanted to do the rice, then fussed about getting their jacket sleeves wet. Exasperated, I swap chores with them only now Sera refuses to pee for JB so I have to deal with that myself too as soon as I get done with the rice. But Sera refuses to pee for me too, so then we have to rush out the door while I worry worry worry if she’s having kidney problems between her random incontinence and now refusal to pee when she normally would need to. š¤Æ
Work frantically through JB’s class, when I would normally be paying attention to the skills they’re practicing so I can help JB later (#guilt), stopping five minutes before class ends.
Head directly home post-haste hoping that Sera didn’t have an accident while we were gone. Immediately walk her so she doesn’t have an accident while I’m prepping dinner. Reheat leftovers for dinner, make Sera’s dinner and serve it up. Work for ten minutes before PiC and Smol Acrobat get home. Check Sera’s weird scab that was torn off last night and bleeding profusely to make sure the bandage didn’t stick and irritate the wound. It didn’t, whew. Smol Acrobat has taken JB’s role of my faithful assistant taking the old bandaging to the trash and asked to cut the bandages and generally were helpful instead of trying to be helpful but only getting in the way.
Underlying it all are issues at work that I’m still working through, processing, and not loving.
Feelings right now
Year 4, Day 365: I was on my own with all 3 critters this morning for the first 45 minutes and boy, getting a toddler to get ready to walk the dog who needs to go out ASAP is not an easy juggle.
Most of yesterday’s checklist rolled over to today, swapping out JB’s lesson for an extra run to the vet to drop off a specimen for testing ($300) and pick up an appetite stimulant ($90). GACK.
That hurts but we’re lucky that we can take care of her to the best of our abilities, I remember a time when I could only afford good care for my dogs when I worked for a vet.
Sera’s added to her list: a wound I’m managing, plus incontinence, this week. Can we apply for a cap on the number of problems per dependent at a time? One or two at a time per critter, please?
My bright spot for the day: the neighborhood corgi was in a good mood and gave me a nose boop and kiss.
Home stuff: PiC thinks we’ll need to do our roof sooner than later because our gutters are a mess and there’s no sense in doing the gutters first and then messing them up when we have to do the roof. Given this year’s uncertainty, I’m going to define “sooner” as maybe in the next five years. I don’t even want to think about how much it’ll cost. But of course that gets my brain thinking about how much it’ll cost. $30k? $40k? š¶āš«ļø I’m NOT ready to pay out that cash.
Year 5, Day 1:Ā Sera’s incontinence isn’t due to a bacterial infection so whoop here we go on a third possible long term medication. *pulls face*
Bits and bobs: A raven visited the neighborhood this morning. Wasn’t one of my semi-regulars, those two know me enough to come hop-hop-hopping over to nab the treats I leave before I get five feet away. This one waited for me to get at least twenty feet away before coming to inspect the treats.
JB: “I’ve never been in the snow before!”
Yes you have, you just don’t remember it. Existential question: Did it happen if you don’t remember it? That sent me down a darkish path of remembering dementia and Alzheimer’s.
Smol Acrobat: “Mommy, Sewa is worried inside. Can you check to see if Sewa is ok?”
Yes, I can. I will be spending my entire day checking if Sewa is ok, like I have been doing for the past 80 days.
It’s very annoying to know I was reading a book somewhere on my phone but not remember which book and which app.
It’s also very annoying that I still have lil smokies for fingers. Two solid weeks now of swollen fingers. I’ve done my time, haven’t I?
Year 5, Day 2: My crow duo, the town crier and the scout, came by this morning. I set out dog treats for them and stepped way back to watch their sideways hippity hop approach. They could just divebomb in to fetch them but they’re clearly not ready for that yet. One day, though!
Spreadsheet day! I’m torn between wow that’s grown a lot (over 3-4 years), and ALSO dang that’s still so far away (not sure how long it’ll take to get to the “enough” point). The double giant stressors of a possible layoff and the huge shifts at my work are pushing hard on the latter button because I want to feel like I can walk away if things continue to deteriorate and we can’t turn it around. I keep telling myself to wait it out 2-3 years, let’s get Smol Acrobat into public school, and / but it turns out my patience in my 40s is nearly non-existent compared to my patience in my 20s. I don’t want to live like that any longer. I’m very much over the grind of being overworked, underpaid, and constantly fighting political battles. We don’t know for sure if it’ll go that way with the latest changes but it is possible and that possibility makes me very cranky. I want an escape hatch that isn’t “start over at a new workplace”. I want the option of being able to just walk away from all that stress and just deal with the stress at home but not trading it for the stress of being unemployed without sufficient income. It reminds me of PiC’s friend who had his multi-millions in the bank. When confronted with the hiring of a terrible manager from a previous job that he advised against, he just said that’s ok, I don’t need this job and retired.
Year 4, Day 356: Nothing like avoiding any Sunday scaries by being so completely exhausted that you can’t even think ahead to Monday. We overdid it on the weekend and today we need a secondary weekend for recovery. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
A very small part of it was I finally had the werewithal to pick two Lakota families to help. One family is grieving the loss of a son and have been on the list since January without much help. They were in need of propane, formula, clothes, and diapers for the baby, and clothes for the surviving family. I requested to tackle the propane, formula, diapers and wipes. The second family was almost out of food, and they’re also the home where people keep dropping off dogs that need feeding and care. I put together a giant grocery shop for them while I waited for the information I needed to complete the orders.
I’m annoyed with Costco Pharmacy. They save us a bit of money but I called in a prescription on Saturday and they gave me a choice of picking it up Saturday after 2 pm or Monday after 2 pm. Every time I called for an update, it was “scheduled to be filled”. They didn’t bother to fill it until today after 2 pm. So why offer that option if it wasn’t really an option?? Huff. Thankfully I had enough brainspace to figure out the refills while we still had a week left. I wanted the Saturday pickup because weekday pickups are so much harder for us to squeeze in.
Dinner: Frozen lasagna + yesterday’s leftover meat sauce +plain pasta for Smol Acrobat because the frozen lasagna is a little too spicy for them + 4 leftover ravioli + frozen green beans. Both kids were intensely irritating about eating their green beans but they ate them all in the end and Smol Acrobat even ate all of their pasta and the meat sauce under their own steam. Yesterday the meat sauce was a big frickin’ deal. Today they kept telling me “I am eating my pwotein. Are you happppyyyy?”
Year 4, Day 357: Day 2 of weekend recovery.
My Big Task is mostly completed! I should have done this a long time ago. I knew that I should and had started the process, so I shouldn’t complain, buuuut it’s no fun and I’m going to complain. I’m finally separating my work and personal digital lives from the one computer. It’s just so much more convenient for them to be on the same machine, I could multitask so much more easily, but it’s better to keep them separate so I bought a laptop for household use last year. Several months later, I set up logins for ourselves and the kids. Another several months have now passed and now push has come to shove, changes in our systems mean it’s time for me to fully remove the personal from the professional. The process took hours: moving bookmarks over, backing up the files to our external hard drive and our cloud system to transfer them to the new laptop, and THEN to remove them completely from the work machine. HOURS. So many hours. And errors. And disconnections. And one mysterious failure where the power to the modem and our server both failed even though it was plugged into the Yeti to prevent exactly this loss of power that interrupts file transfers. I’d be tempted to say that I SHOULD have done this in stages but that wouldn’t work so well either because the point is to transfer the full contents of the hard drive at this specific moment in time and carry on working on personal stuff from that date forward entirely in the personal computer. A multi-stage transfer would mean I’d miss files that were changed in the interim period because I’m always doing something.
My personal files are all transferred to the home computer. Now I am practicing typing, the keyboard is just different enough to throw off my typing, and get in the work groove so I can make some decisions about critical software. I despise the Microsoft subscription model so I went looking for and found that we can get an older Word product key from Costco for $150 (plus a $25 Visa back). Or other places, I haven’t looked at them yet. That’s probably the software I’ll need the most.
Year 4, Day 358: Day 3, I think the PEM is finally starting to fade after 2.5 really tough days and nights. My bones still have lava for marrow but the deep and full-ton fatigue has lightened a bit to a more normal load when I’m trying to walk Sera. It’s not quite over yet, though, and this is probably where I accidentally overdo it because I think “I’m ok now!” Reminder to self: not quite yet.
I did one very slow walking set of karaokes on our morning walk and we went on one slightly longer walk midday but that’s it. I’m pacing myself!
Well that and I did the other half of a massive food prep. We got takeout yesterday so with some of my time saved, I cut up 6 lbs of meat and made the nuoc mau for the thit kho. Today the stock pot came out to play. I boiled the meat to clean it, set it to simmering for 3 hours, adding things periodically to end up with a large entree for dinner, two freezer portions for other non cooking weeks, and sent a large portion to our friends for their dinner. I’m satisfied with my performance in the kitchen for once, though I cooked it a little longer than intended and the meat is literally falling apart. Whoops! I really need more childhood recipes that can be frozen for later eating. Most of our recipes weren’t that sort of meal, they were all meant to be enjoyed fresh.
Feeling: So glad it’s not Monday anymore, so glad it’s not Thursday yet.
Year 4, Day 359: Taxes are in process. Will update is in process. Which genius thought it was a good idea to do those at the same time??
I thought my diet needed to be adjusted a bit to get to a shape I felt more comfortable in. It was a theory, attempting to lose weight has never been a thing in my life. It wasn’t about the number on the scale, I just hate(d) how my body has changed and feels after two pregnancies. The feet changing sizes is annoying, one changing to be a half size larger than the other is annoying, the stretch marks are intermittently annoying. All annoying but ultimately ignorable. My belly shape isn’t ignorable. Last month, my jeans were intensely uncomfortable after 2-3 hours. So I thought I’d have to figure this out.
I never even tried my lower carb trial since 2024 has been terrible, I didn’t want to give up one gram of carb or sugar. I did add in salads for lunch courtesy of PiC. (I’m terrible at feeding myself when it’s just me during working hours. I’m even worse at eating my vegetables these days so these were a neat fix for both problems.) What’s changed?
I’ve been going out on 5-6 walks a day with Sera since January, that’s the same.
I threw in those karaokes a few days a week recently. I noticed I’m just less hungry during the day but always hungry late at night when I’m too tired to do anything about it. I haven’t put actual effort in but it seems like maybe I’ve gone from a 4.5 month belly to a 3.5 month belly. Soft pants are still the best but the jeans aren’t awful anymore. I’d like to shed another couple inches to feel more myself but we’ll have to see if it happens with my current routine. I’m just trying to keep up with life and Sera’s š¶ needs and I don’t have the energy to experiment with more.
Year 4, Day 360: Sera had more bloodwork. I’m crossing everything that the results come back looking better. She’s getting balky about these visits, she doesn’t want to go at all anymore. It’s a poke every time and she hates it. And I feel terrible but it’s gotta be done.
PiC usually makes time to do that during the week but couldn’t make it happen so we all went tonight. (I have a Pavlovian need for hot dogs anytime I even think about going to Costco. Anyone else?)
Somehow I managed to get through all my work and a little of my backlog today, so that was good but I was also totally wiped out by the end of the night. I should have reconsidered…well, no. It’s hard for PiC to do Costco with both kids in tow. One or the other is doable but both is just an exhausting combination, plus I needed to run a specific Costco errand as well. So it’s good that I went, I’m just knackered.
*****
I notice that some neighbors never cover their windows. Not even their front facing windows, so people can see into their home day and night. What is that about? It creeps me out on their behalf even though it’s their own privacy they’re giving up.
*****
I grew up loving Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car without ever knowing the name of the song. It came on that radio today with the wrong name: Luke Combs, and JB’s friend started singing it. That was all kinds of confusing so I had to go down the rabbithole. Oh, he’s covering the song. And then I found this and it pulled up all kinds of feelings. What a world we live in.
Year 4, Day 349: A Monday after a time change plus almost a full night of insomnia as I try to fight off Smol’s virus: things could be better.
Insomnia meant that I got to give Libby a try, though, so no ill wind or whatever that saying is. I finished a book of short stories. I don’t love the interface. I don’t hate it either. I like the principle of being able to read an ebook without using Kindle in my attempts to move away from that environment but I’ve hated Kobo’s reader app. I still use it because I’d started buying some of my collections at Kobo, but find the reading experience sticky and aggravating.
A tired Smol Acrobat was mildly cooperative about sitting down to dinner (literally, the sitting down part) but was disappointed we would not (could not) grant their request: can we have a call (A PTA meeting)? We just had one, kiddo.
Year 4, Day 350:Gloom gloom drippy gloom this morning kept everyone glued to their beds well past time. We had to hustle to get JB to school before the last bell so naturally the moods turned sour when JB couldn’t get my ok for getting breakfast at school and their homework checked in the ten minutes we had before hitting the road. Ah well. Mornings are tough.
The kids do karaokes (kar-a-ok-kahs, not the singing kar-a-oh-kee) as part of their PE warm ups and I started doing them when walking Sera. I look as silly as anything but it gets my heart rate up and, for the short distance we normally walk, that’s a small good thing. My knees don’t always agree. But.
My people avoidance continues. We had to grab takeout today and I’d forgotten to order online before like normal. I gritted my teeth and resolved to stand in line and order at the counter like normal people do. We got into the long line and I whipped out my phone and placed the order. By the time the people previously behind us in line placed their orders, ours was being packed. I feel both sheepish and vindicated. But every minute counts? I weakly defend myself since I worked until 11 pm so I could stay awake and take Sera š¶ for her last walk of the night. And then we start all over again at 7 am. *Flop*
Year 4, Day 351: Rough night for Smol, I had to soothe them from 11-1130 pm, then again from 420-645 am. I was half conscious for the latter. Couldn’t sleep but couldn’t fully wake. Normally PiC takes all the nights but he deserves a break plus he was getting up for the 6 am registration for the kids. It’s hard getting them into the local swim classes but they’re so significantly less expensive than private that it’s worth the pain and effort.
Another set of karaokes for my morningest walk with Sera š¶. When the kids do them, they’re going at speed, practically flying. It’s almost balletic. Not so for me, progressing up and down the street slowly and clunkily! But so far it gives me the muscles working feeling of a run without the PEM that often follows an attempt to run. Win, I think? We’ll see if the muscle aches pass in a reasonable amount of time.
A customer snarked that they’d appreciate more understanding for their busy schedule and more polite communication because they weren’t being fraudy on purpose. I caught my negative response spiral and reminded myself that just because they didn’t like being told no, doesn’t mean that I was in the wrong for being very clear about the reasons for the no since I’d already explained them in detail just a week ago. I hate how a comment like that, even unwarranted, can knock my emotional equilibrium out of whack. I’m proactively telling myself that a) Just because their feelings got hurt that I was blunt and to the point doesn’t mean I was wrong (especially since I had already explained the exact same thing last week). b) I can do other things instead of dwell on the feeling of being insulted. Managed to redirect the RSD almost entirely! New win for me!
Plus the CWC sent out an update and shared this adorable fawn they’re caring for.
Year 4, Day 352: Observing some complex feelings about money: I have been giving a chunk of cash every week to folks I “know” who ran out of money for the past few weeks or months. I don’t dwell on how much if cash flow still flows. Then I look at something like this and think “oh, like that necklace is cool, but I can’t afford that. It’d be nice if it didn’t feel like it had to be a choice between one or the other but for now, I always choose “friends having food or housing” over getting a pretty. I don’t mind, it’s just an observation.
I also have that “I haven’t given enough” feeling, “people need so much more”. That bashes up against my “we don’t have nearly enough for us to retire safely in 7 years” feeling which is constantly jostling for space again my “what about just doing the best you can for a while and attempting to achieve some balance right now which may mean taking longer to retire??” feelings. I still act allergic to the idea of pulling back the intensity of our savings, especially now when we’re doing well enough to save AND still live comfortably. It feels like taking our good fortune for granted NOT to make hay while the sun shines, y’know? Anyway. That’s just what’s bouncing around my skull.
Year 4, Day 353: It’s official, the layoffs that have been going around and around PiC’s company are going to hit his department anytime starting in two weeks from now through the end of this summer. That’s all we know and that’s doing my heartburn no good. I’ve done up a quick and dirty adjustment to our budget assuming that we lose PiC’s income, benefits, and access to the daycare. I wonder if they’re hurting for money enough to let us stay … no, probably not. The budget balances ok on just my salary if I cut out his income, all our weekly savings, and the cost of daycare. A little ironic that just yesterday I was balancing my feelings. Today it’s the budget. Life! Sure does come at you fast.
It was a hell of a busy day yesterday: meeting after meeting after meeting after crisis after meeting. While I was drowning in all of it, PiC plotted all the plans needed to make it possible for me to take a few hours to have dinner with an old friend on very little notice and I’m so grateful. The last time I went out on my own just for a fun thing was … five years ago? Seven? I honestly can’t remember. I really needed that reprieve. It was a quiet night and bolstered me enough to take the possible layoff news with more calm than I would normally have had.
Today was my day to pay the piper between the hard day yesterday and the hard news this morning. HIGH pain hit me with very little fanfare. I wrapped up in heating pads to try and combat the pain, didn’t even think to take pain meds for several hours because historically they don’t really do much, and settled in to catch up on that pile of work left from last night, catch up on laundry a little more, and try not to leak involuntary tears when my muscles screech. Oof. They burn like I ran a marathon.
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
