My kid and notes from Year 3.7
October 10, 2018
Feeding the book hunger
It was perhaps the one thing Mom never understood about me and even somewhat feared in me. She once asked me not to get “too involved”. There’s no doubt it’s led me to make foolish choices, and was the driving force behind my first not wholly honest transaction when I dipped into the coin dish without asking permission or forgiveness to fish out quarters to buy a book from a classmate in first grade. I would have gotten away with it entirely too if it hadn’t been for a teacher telling my parents at parent teacher conference time. I loved books more than food or sleep and honesty, drilled in me deeply, was only forgotten once in my sheer madness for books. Mom never understood it and she probably wouldn’t understand why I foster this love in her grandchild. PiC doesn’t have the book hunger either but he willingly goes along with feeding the flame, reading JB’s current favorites night after night after unforgiving night.
I know JB isn’t here to be our second act and I’m not trying to imprint a clone of either of us but of all things ze could have from me, let it be my love of reading and love of money management. One will feed zir mind and comfort zir soul, the other will help keep those together with a nourished body.
It will of course then likely be the source of many sleepless nights as ze will likely choose to read until four in the morning given the chance but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Even with the memory of the sheet scorched 28 years ago when I unwisely draped it over a naked bulb to hide the light from my parents. I’m the reason we shouldn’t have nice things.
New lessons and skills
See previous months for zir current responsibilities.
I taught JB how to wash zir own hair months ago, but then the skill just sort of laid there, unused. I wondered about it but kept my mouth shut and carried on washing zir hair as usual. There was the usual amount of manipulation in that “as usual”. Grouchy JB would gripe and moan about not being ready to have zir hair washed the second I started washing it. On good days, I would just agree and say, ok then if you’re not ready, rinse the soap out! I wonder when ze is going to realize that by the time ze rinses out the shampoo and realizes I’ve put in the conditioner, we’re already 3/4 of the way there and I’ve tricked zir. On bad days, we’d fuss at each other and my cleverness would be out the window. But the hair would still be washed, by me.
Out of the blue, ze started taking down the bottle of shampoo intending to wash zir own hair. I just made some suggestions on how a smol person might more easily pour shampoo from a large 30 ounce bottle into one’s hand and stood back. Ze took the initiative to lather up. It wasn’t thorough at all but I didn’t criticize, preferring to let zir make it a habit more than caring about it being done well.
The defiance is strong in this one
I don’t know if I documented all of our fights but this one by Elon James is 1000% characteristic of those days of defiance. They aren’t over, either.
Ze was being out and out rude the other day as we prepared for bed, then threw zir toothbrush at me. Ze didn’t have the gall to throw it so that it connected – I think we’ve established that that triggers the nuclear option. But it was definitely at me. And we do not throw things as an act of anger in this household. You’re allowed to beat up a pillow – you’re allowed to punch and kick a pillow if it’s time to Hulk out. But throwing things is not allowed.
I looked zir right in the eye, looked at the toothbrush (which was at the end of the 6 month span anyway), and tossed it with toothpaste smear and all right in the trash. Zir bestie has gotten that before. But we’ve only had to threaten it before.
Now, I don’t believe in bluffing so I choose my threats carefully. I have to follow through on them, every single time, if JB doesn’t get zir act together. But there was a moment of petty satisfaction when ze realized that if the rules are clear already, as in I’ve already said that you forfeit your belongings when you throw them, ze doesn’t merit a warning when ze is pushing the boundaries. It’s just going to happen.
There were so many tears. But then ze straightened up and stopped being QUITE so defiant. For about ten minutes.
Make better choices!
Speaking of discipline, I’ve been working really hard on keeping my cool when JB is openly antagonistic, defiant, and sulky. REALLY hard. So instead of raising my voice, I lower it. I breathe deeply to oxygenate my brain (and incidentally as a big red flag for zir that ze has left DefCon 5 and the numbers are now ticking downward).
We almost always give zir a chance to correct the behavior unless ze has slapped, kicked, bitten, pinched, hit, or otherwise physically harmed someone. The chance is generally: Should you be [doing the bad thing] or should you make a better choice?
If ze hasn’t gone to another world in zir head, rage world, then ze will stop to think and choose “make a better choice”.
So petty. SO SO PETTY.
JB: I don’t LIKE your turtles.
Me: Ok.
JB: I DON’T like your TURTLES.
Me: I didn’t ask you to like them.
JB: I don’t like my UNDERWEAR
Me: Ok.
JB: I DON’T LIKE MY UNDERWEAR.
Me: Ok. Maybe you can like them tomorrow.
JB: NO I’m not going to like them EVERY DAY.
Me: Ok, wear diapers then.
JB: I WANT DIAPERS.
JB: Can I have a yogurt?
Me: Yes, but only after I take a bite.
JB: Why?
Me: Tax.
JB: WAT.
Mrs. RB40 and I love books. She wanted our kid to love books too and buy some. Our son enjoys reading, but he doesn’t want to buy any book. He said he has all these books from the library so why should he buy one. Our library system is just too good. We have over 50 books from the library at home…
I think it’s amazing that RB40Jr doesn’t care about OWNING the books since you can get them from the library! But I would be afraid of losing all those library books, we would need a better system for keeping track of them.
ha!! I forgot that I used to drape a heavy-ish piece of felt over my very bright lightbulb when I would sneak and read late at night in high school. One night my mom came sniffing around because the felt was burning on the bulb, and I hadn’t even noticed! I had to fess up so she didn’t keep searching for the source of the smell.
HAH I’m not the only one!
The other day, my two youngest were in the family room reading, and I just thought, “It doesn’t get better than this!” They weren’t big readers when they were young. My eldest was. There were actually times I had to tell her to stop reading – to eat for instance. Even as I asked her though, I was thrilled that I had to ask her. JB is a real rebel, not liking your turtles or zir underwear 🙂 (And that is officially the first time I’ve ever used the pronoun “zir”)
Welcome to the gender neutral pronoun 🙂
I can’t help but hope that ze loves reading forever!
“Even with the memory of the sheet scorched 28 years ago when I unwisely draped it over a naked bulb…”
I thought about this recently, grateful that all our bulbs are LED these days and don’t give off nearly as much heat XD
YES! Also JB doesn’t get a desk lamp XD
So… mine is the same. It gets better around 4.5…
He says he doesn’t like something and repeats it ad nauseous until I lose my $&@&!.
I have also tried to breathe and calm down but I generally am very patient until I crack, and once my tone of voice heads into warning zone, he immediately stops.
I haven’t yelled in a long time (1 month?) but the only trick I have found to work is to change the subject, to try and do something silly to make him laugh. Then it is over.
At least he is learning Mommy’s Limit, and he tests it but lately, not often.
I also try to explain why I’m being so Tough and it sometimes works, but only if he has slept well.
Thankfully, most of these behaviors seem to come and go so it’s on one month and off another. I’m looking forward to when it’s off almost completely!
My partner (DF) and I provide care for his grandkids from time to time. One thing that he is absolutely DEATH on is the wasting of food. When the younger kid (a little over age 2) was visiting and threw food on the floor, DF took the plate off the table. An immediate wail ensued, but he was having none of it: “In this house we don’t waste food.”
The kid stopped wailing within a minute or so, possibly because he wasn’t dancing attendance/over-explaining his decision. Just “nope, you’re done.” Within another couple of minutes the child was interested in something else, and when DF offered food later on none of it got thrown.
I’ve noticed that both kids mind him extremely well. When the older one wants to do X instead of Y, he simply says “we’re not going to do that now” in a calm and reasonable way that brooks no arguments. If older child does start to argue, he simply repeats, “we’re not going to do that now” and keeps going. Ultimately the older child realizes DF can’t be wheedled, and goes along with the program.
Not that he’s a tyrant! He’s a terrific grandparent: takes them on walks, teaches them to make bread and bake cookies and cake, encourages them to eat raspberries and strawberries and peas from our yard, plants extra cucumbers in the greenhouse because they both love eating them, and supports them in non-screen-related activities. We don’t have a television or smartphones, and they aren’t allowed to use our computers because we figure they get plenty of e-time everywhere else. Instead, he took the older one skiing and he lets the younger one stare at rocks or insects for as long as needed on those walks. With his son (their dad), DF has taken them hiking and the older child made it to the top of a local mountain on her own two feet when she was only 5 years old. He wants them to learn to look more closely at what’s out there in the world.
Best of all: He has changed ALL the diapers. #winning
I don’t read that as a tyrant at all – children and puppies need firm, clear, and consistent boundaries. There’s simply no telling the chaos otherwise.