My kid and notes from Year 5.3
July 20, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1589.82; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Siblings, the abyss, something something
JB squatted in front of Sera, staring intently. I wondered and then: Mom!! I don’t like Sera looking at me!
Me: …. Weren’t you staring at her?
JB: Yes! I wanted to look at her. But I didn’t want her to look at me.
Me: That makes absolutely no sense! If you sat right in front of her face and stared at her, she absolutely has the right to look back at you.
JB: No, I don’t like it!
š¤¦š»āāļø Why. Are. Kids. So. Weird.
Punishments, consequences, and effective parenting
I don’t choose to issue punishments because as a rule, I know they come from a less than great part of me as a parent. I want to punish JB when they have gone way over the line because I’m mad at them. And generally when I’m mad and assigning punishments, it’s about hurting them back and not about what’s appropriate (like throwing away toys they love). But that’s entirely the wrong motivation. That does work if we were always authoritarian and they’re not allowed to speak their minds or think for themselves – then punishment is suitable to that kind of parenting.
But that’s not what we’re trying to do here – we are trying to teach them that making poor choices is a bad thing and that they should choose to make better choices. Like not doubling down when you’ve said something mean and hateful, and saying MORE mean and hateful things.
I struggled with that a lot during the week that JB was just stomping on my last nerve and then some. They were being rude, then pulled faces and rolled their eyes at me warning them that their words were rude and hurtful, then shouted even meaner things at me when sent to timeout as a result of doubling down. I was so angry that I was harsh and took away toys when they kept shouting at me and being ruder – that was a reaction to their behavior but not a good reaction. The first time this all blew up, I walked away and ignored them until they were done tantruming and returned to say so, and then we had a long talk about the fact that they would have a real and appropriate consequence later that wasn’t just taking away toys, I had to think of something that was related to the problem. The next time that happened, though, I realized that a better way to put it for us would be this:
For every minute of nastiness and negativity, they have to do two minutes of good things. So that half an hour screaming tantrum of rudeness = 1 hour of being helpful around the house and doing good things to balance the negativity. I didn’t want to assign chores after the first round because I didn’t want to associate chores and punishment. But this way, their doing chores as their helpful thing can redeem them as a positive contribution instead.
New levels of autonomy
It’s still a little hit or miss but I can assign chores to JB with a time frame and they will do it! It’s more likely to happen if I say “in the next 20-30 minutes, the dishes have to be put away” than if I give them a wider time frame like “between breakfast and lunch” though.
Precious Moments
Who’s the Boss?
Me: When you’re done with cleaning up that pile, you can go through the other bag.
JB: You got it, master!
Me: …
JB: I called you master because you’re the boss of me.
Me: That’s true.
JB: And I’m the boss of babies.
Me: … what babies ….
JB: And Older Cousin is the boss of me, and I’m the boss of Younger Cousin!
Me: Uh that’s not how that works.
Taking sides
Me mocking PiC: your dad is silly, JB
JB: Yeah! He’s so silly!
PiC: hey! I thought you were on my side!
JB: I am on your side. Actually I’m on both your sides.
PiC: good. That’s how it should be..
JB, whispering: but mostly on daddy’s side.
Me: I KNOW. YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
I do not think that word means what you think it means.
JB: Daddy, this was an EXCELLENT lunch!
PiC: Thank you!
JB: What does excellent mean?
Creepy or cool?
I woke up to JB in my bathroom whispering: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, preparing to die!
Ratings, levels, we got em all.
JB: The Rock has guns in it!
PiC: what?
JB: The movie! The Rock! It has GUNS and FIGHTING and it’s a higher level than I am right now, I’m not ready for it yet.
JB: can I walk both dogs?
Me: no, Sera’s too strong for you right now.
JB: but I want to be a real dog owner!
Perseverance and perspective
JB’s muttering sullenly as the glass noodles slip off their chopsticks: this is too HARD! I’m never going to get it!
Me: Not like that you’re not. You’re not fast enough. Be the predator. Scoop up your prey and POUNCE.
JB, clumsily imitating the pounce: nomf! I caught it!
Me: Yup. Noodles are prey. Be the predator.
Pop culture can get it wrong, sometimes.
JB’s been singing and dancing to The Cure’s “Boys don’t cry”. They keep correcting the lyric with “that’s not right, boys DO cry when they’re sad!” or “boyyyys don’t cry, boyyyyys DO cry”!
Wait, what?
Me: How should you be sitting? (Correct answer: on your butt)
JB: Criss cross applesauce, pepperoni pizza, hands in your fish bowl, bubbles in your mouth!
Me: Uh…..ok….
I watched Princess Bride in my second year of college, it was a revelation. Which is also where I learned how to use chopsticks, three of my dormmates who grew up using chopsticks made a hotplate meal in one of our bedrooms and made me pick up quarters with my chopsticks till I got it!
Whoa, quarters are advanced level! I’ve been using chopsticks since I was … 5(?) and I don’t think I could do quarters š Of course my hand dexterity is a lot worse now for medical reasons but still.
I am proud to say I saw the Princess Bride on opening night in my local movie theater! I was in high school and had discovered it by reading the book. I know it was the very first showing because halfway through, we found out the reel had been threaded incorrectly – the scene in the underground dungeon was showing upside down and backward. It’s a dim scene so we couldn’t really figure out what was happening!! They sent us home with vouchers to see it later, and I don’t remember the rest but am fairly certain I must have gone back to see the rest of it. That first part is such a vivid memory, I hadn’t realized until just now that I don’t remember actually going back and seeing the whole thing.
Well that’s an awesome memory! You DID eventually watch the movie all the way through, I hope? The dungeon scene was great.
Legit fist pumped in pride at the Inigo Montoya quote. What fantastic execution you have there JB!
Glass noodles on chopsticks are level 100 hard. I so feel the frustration.
Anyway, this post really made me chuckle!