Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (30)
December 29, 2020
Week 40 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 40, Day 277: I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom to JB lately. I’m so distracted and preoccupied by: work, Smol Acrobat’s needs, my needs, my fatigue and recalcitrant body that I simply haven’t spent any time with them. I still parent – direct activities, I discipline, I coordinate schooling and tutoring and advocate for them when needed. But actual time together, just being together? Has not happened in weeks. Maybe months. I don’t even know.
They have always been more PiC’s kid than mine for the fun stuff. They are very accustomed to me needing to work at home in a way that they still aren’t with PiC, and it’s not working mom guilt that I’m muddling through. It’s guilt for not having anything left in the tank for fun and enjoying life with them after subtracting all the stressors of the pandemic and household management and caring for everyone’s needs and logistics.
Most of the time I think they couldn’t care less if I’m around as long as they have PiC. They walk the dogs together. They paint and draw and read and gallivant. They prepare coffee and lunch and goof off together. I’m not really a goofing off personality that way. They’re at a 9 on the Silly Scale while I won’t go near a 1. But I still feel bad for not engaging in those rare times they ask me to because I just don’t have any interest in anything in those moments.
There’s a touch of depression at play there along with very real fatigue and overwhelm.
I hope this will pass. I’m pretty sure I am doing my best and they know they’re loved.
Week 40, Day 278: Because I have absolutely terrible timing this year, we completely ignored all the sales around the Thanksgiving period – we didn’t need anything. So of course I now have a whole list of things I need and want:
- 2 portable (non-gas safe indoors) generators,
- a very basic sewing machine to mend seams and suchlike,
- the digital piano I’ve been wanting for years,
- a replacement for my old computer that JB has been using for school (it dies periodically),
- a digital storage and file sharing system,
- a new phone for PiC who has been using my old phone circa 2015ish. He thinks I should get a new phone too but I disagree. I want greater storage capacity but I have no interest in having to set up two phones.
Week 40, Day 279: I periodically refresh my resume and check potential job listings out in the wild to be sure I am ready should things take a turn at my current job.
My current job isn’t bad despite my recent stressors and whining about it – it’s just been particularly bad of late because of the pressures of the pandemic plus pregnancy. My temper is short for so many reasons, and work gets the short end of the patience stick. Well, everything gets the short end of that stick. I don’t think I have a long end of the patience stick.
But I find myself discarding job descriptions with alarming quickness. Nothing sounds even remotely appealing to me. Not because I couldn’t do the jobs, I just don’t want to. Not sure what that says about my readiness to deal with any sudden changes to our job situations but I hope that I won’t need that particular contingency until I want it.
Week 40, Day 280: An uncle on Mom’s side of the family passed away. A friend’s mom is terribly ill but can’t be hospitalized because there are no beds. Another set of friends were exposed to COVID due to the sheer recklessness of their family members. Yet another set of friends tested positive and have been reasonably careful (only going out for work and groceries). It’s a solid mess, y’all.
Week 40, Day 281: My secret shame – many years ago, I had braces and at some point in my 20s, the permanent retainer was removed for better cleaning. I didn’t think anything of it until it was too late, my teeth shifted back to their original positions. I’ve felt terrible about that ever since. It was so foolish of me not to think of the consequences of removing that retainer and what a waste of ortho work!
But I finally admitted that I hated my present misalignment, I hate the plaque buildup that targets those misaligned teeth, and PiC has been encouraging me to do something about it. So with next year’s benefits changes and a referral to an orthodontist who gives a decent discount for referred patients, I have decided to choose to stop punishing myself out of guilt and move forward with Invisalign next year. It’s a big commitment and I’m doubly shy of making it since I feel like I failed once already. But I’m doing it. It’s ok for me to spend this money and time on myself and my health and even how I feel about how I look.
Enough. That is my word for 2020. I have enough. I am doing enough. You are doing enough. And we have had enough of 2020!
I’m hoping to welcome the new year feeling like this is all enough.
All I know about invisalign is from Young House Love has a Podcast, and what that tells me is that if the orthodontist says it isn’t right for you, then do braces instead.
Right now what is getting me is all the moms with blogs who are talking about how they know they shouldn’t but they’re doing all these risky indoor things in areas with high Covid rates. When they do that, it just encourages other people who were being careful to take more risks because other people are. When we’re so close to being vaccinated, why can’t they wait? Or do things outdoors with masks? Or just keep their mouths shut?
DH’s former direct boss and his wife now have Covid (not the company owner). One of my friends is a department chair and one of her faculty just lost both his (active, healthy) parents because his sister unknowingly gave it to them on a visit (she’s fine after a short sickness, they didn’t last 3 weeks). It only takes two mistakes and you’ve caught covid and spread it. The more we do to limit to just one mistake every two weeks, the less likely we are to do major damage.
In happier news: When you get a chance, stop by grumpy rumblings to claim your prize!
I have done braces before and am glad they seem to think Invisalign will be suitable because I don’t want to do that again!
Sigh, I don’t understand most people and their idea of risk assessment. I really don’t. I had a friend recently tell me, though, that they didn’t know how seriously to take all the virus stuff because they’re more Easterly than we are and the people they know aren’t getting seriously ill. They don’t seem to follow the news much and it’s hard for me not to go into a rant about how this is affecting many MANY people.
My husband & I both had braces as teens but his teeth stayed perfect without any retainer and I still need a nighttime retainer to help keep them in line. Which is to say, please give your past self grace for not being able to guess which way your mouth would react. Hey for all we know, your mirror universe twin is kicking herself for the 3 root canals that permanent retainer led to and wondering why the heck she didn’t get rid of it sooner!
That’s a really good point, thank you for the other perspective. I didn’t really think about the downsides of a permanent retainer.