By: Revanche

My kids and notes: Year 7.9

October 25, 2022

Life with JB

When we talk about small day to day things, what happened at recess, what events are upcoming at school, how they deal with conflicts, I catch myself having reactions that are projections of how I would feel (present day me) in those situations and feeling that way FOR JB. It’s hard for me to practice separating that reaction in the moment even though I know that it’s best for me to take a step back and let them have their experiences in their own way.

Mostly that’s about the bad stuff like kids being thoughtless or if they’re anxious about being left out because their good friend moved away (there’s a big trigger for me, abandonment) or if they’re grumping about the work (signs of potential slackerhood are a huge trigger for me as they remind me of my dad and brother). I’m trying my hardest not to fix, rescue, or solve for them. But how do I keep holding my feelings at bay so they don’t spill over onto JB?

I direct my venting to friends, or here, and hold out until therapy when I can safely be frustrated without worrying I’m stunting their emotional growth or making them feel like they can’t talk to us.

*****

On the theme of “my kids are so privileged”: we’re taking JB to self defense classes at a studio. I dreamt of following in Bruce Lee’s footsteps but had to wait until middle school for us to have the money to enroll in the parks and rec self defense classes. I loved it and it was a huge part of my life for years. I’m still in touch with my former teacher. This was not JB’s dream. This is like swim lessons: a necessary life skill because they didn’t grow up fighting for survival against an older sibling. They have zero fight instincts, it’s all scream and freeze. I knew a lot of kids like that growing up, and they were easy targets for the bullies. I had to put myself between them more than once. I don’t need JB to make this their life, I just need them to acquire enough skills to make reacting in self defense one possible response to a threat.

This is a whole other world from what I got into. It’s uniforms, branding, promotion ceremonies, and belts and on and on. All things my teacher and teacher’s teacher considered superfluous to the art. It’s unsettling but the key here is that they teach the kids skills and sparring right from the get go. I didn’t need that, I already had the fight instinct deeply ingrained but JB does need it. And they need to toughen up, to face a struggle squarely, not shirking at the every and any sign of difficulty. They’re young but they need to start building (non traumatic) grit.

My mom had to learn to defend herself against an abusive father. I had to learn because I was desperate to be good at something I loved but also to defend myself against bullies. I want them to learn for good reasons, not bad ones.

Several classes in, I like that JB seems to be really enjoying this class and building up that little fire in their belly that I worried they lacked. One of their sparring partners was a little jerkwad who taunted them saying “this is easier than taking candy from a baby!” For once, my instinctive reaction works for the situation. I told JB to work hard, get stronger and better than him, and righteously kick his badmouthing ass (in full accordance with the rules). And they agreed.

Life with Smol Acrobat

One good thing about daycare aside from buying me literal sanity? Something shifted in their sleep and now they’ll occasionally sleep 12 hours at night, not just 10! Sometimes. It’s great.

It took them three weeks to adjust to the point of crying only a little bit after we’d leave them. By the end of the first month, they’d scrunch up their unhappy face but the drop off wasn’t so bad. The bad news is that as they got comfortable, they started sitting on the babies. Not a euphemism. They’d visit with the babies, establish they liked them, and then turn around to sit on them. This was both terrible and not entirely a surprise because when we’re at home, they love sitting on me in the most uncomfortable not appropriate for sitting positions. Like on my shoulder.

They’re also still learning to be gentle with Sera which is a VERY important lesson in this household. We don’t allow kids to hit pets/animals. But they are in this phase of thinking that it’s funny to whack at walls, people, and Sera with whatever is in their hand and we’re constantly reminding them that that’s not ok.

*****

On yet another Monday at home with Smol Acrobat, I noticed they were again asking to sleep at 9:30 am which is WAY too early. We try to match the daycare schedule, naps at 1 pm, but it sank in that they must be so sleep deprived from not napping long enough on daycare days. We’ll nap them earlier at home.

****

Their current thing is running through the house shutting all the doors.

Pupdate

Sera has been coming into our bedroom early in the morning or very late at night, sniffing me and then settling down to sleep by me in the spot that was once Seamus’s. I don’t know what brought this on but I like it a lot. I miss him deeply and this feels warm and comforting like she’s fitting herself, just a little bit, into the dog impression he left behind.

I love that she’s had a few bouts of play with the neighbor’s puppy. It’s good for both of them, physically and socially. And it’s so nice for me to see her enjoy the company of another dog without fear and anxiety. I want this for her always.

Precious Moments

JB: I wish I lived in the spirit world. It would be more fun and I wouldn’t have to do chores or homework.

*****

JB: I never wanted to be the older sibling! I mean, ok I wanted a baby sibling but not like THIS. (Because not yet 2 year old younger sib is not taking turns and sharing fairly. Because duh they haven’t learned how to do that well, yet.)

*****

JB was feeding Smol Acrobat water from a syringe, while they ate cold scrambled eggs. “I filled this with clean human water so they can drink it.”

Clean WHAT water??

*****

I served up a great lump of cake for dessert and Smol perfectly demonstrated the point I was trying to make to JB about how many bodies, especially in our family, tend to have trouble with sugar addiction. No matter how much you’ve had, it just wants more more more.

Smol leaned over, mouth wide open, ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!

Wee kiddie clean forgot their signs for “eat” or “please” in their desperation for cake.

*****

JB: I suggest you read Dog-man. I guess it’s not your level though.
Me, highly suspicious: oh? What level do you think I am?
JB: Hmm, 10.10?
Me: And what level is Dog-man?
JB: Oh about a 3.2.
Me: Oh ok.

I was sure I was about to be deeply underestimated and insulted.
*****

JB really needs to recalibrate their sense of scale, by the way. They came in, “I have to tell you something really sad. This broke.”

They showed me the lid of a ten year old Tupperware that had cracked. Ok. That’s … that’s just sort of a pain because we now have a container that needs a lid.

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