My kids and notes: Year 8.0
February 21, 2023
Life with JB
We refused to throw a big elaborate many-kids party for their birthday this year. They really wanted one and had the longest wish list started two days after their last birthday.
But we talked it through and they understood that we’re not willing to do that kind of exposure during COVID. And honestly now that they’re no longer at the age when kids do the whole classroom is invited thing, I simply don’t want to. PiC still wants to give them everything they want for their birthday, in the celebratory sense rather than the buy ALL THE THINGS way, but I don’t like going that overboard. So, as usual, we compromised. We probably paid about $100 for decorations, cake related stuff, and their presents. We paid another $200 for a really delicious meal from a local restaurant that adults and kids could all enjoy. That could have been Costco or other more expensive pizza, PiC suggested it, but I balked. If I have to host anything, I want to eat the good stuff. So we overspent, IMO, but for a long fun evening with a few good friends, and serving them a really nice dinner? I’m ok with that. It’s once a year, or in reality, once every four years since we haven’t had anyone over for their birthday since 2019.
At the end of the night when everyone left, they gasped: that was SO FUN.
The compromise was good for everyone. I wasn’t too exhausted to even exist, everyone had a good time, we had awesome leftovers but not too much. We sent cake home with our guests.
~~~~~
My mentor is one of the few people I can tell about my very honest parenting feelings. I’ve been feeling horrible guilt for all the conflict that JB and we have been having, and for how I just did NOT like my own child in those times. But “those times” have been so frequent these past months that it feels like I never like my own child these days, and what kind of monster can’t stand their own child??
Hearing her tell me “it’s normal to feel this way, it’s ok to feel this way, and you do NOT have to like your child every minute of every day” is balm for the soul. That lifted a burden I’d been weighed down by. So did, weirdly enough, having an adult be on JB’s side so that I could be frustrated about them. Somehow that freed me up to have my frustrations more than having an adult agree with me that they’re annoying because the latter then stirs up guilt over having raised an annoying child.
She understands my annoyance but she doesn’t share it and that also helped me to see JB in a different light. I want to like my kid all the time, but I can let myself off the hook for being human.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Six months ago, we borrowed a friend’s idea of swabbing Smol’s nose regularly so they’d be accustomed to nose swabbing enough to make COVID tests no big deal. They were curious and fine with it the first week. They were fine with it when we went for a PCR test. They were fine with it for another week.
Then suddenly they were not fine with it and all hell broke loose when we had to do another PCR. I have no idea what changed in their wee brain but it was like a switch flipped and NOPE. Tests have been a huge struggle ever since. They’ll see us swabbing and come by asking for a turn. Then turn and sprint off yelling no no no no! Bribery doesn’t work, distraction with audio, video or JB singing and dancing doesn’t work.
Fast forward to today, I swabbed their ears yesterday and they were cranky about it but I did it again today anyway. Today they relaxed and wanted “mo”. So I swabbed some mo’. And then mo’. Then “me” – they wanted to do it. So I gave them a swab and said, you can swab your nose. Only I do your ears. They were intrigued by this compromise and tentatively touched their nose a few times. I helped them get it into their nose gently. So of course the next go they jabbed their brain. Oops. But we laughed and they laughed and tried again. In the end, they and I gave both nostrils a good swabbing. But I’ll have to keep my hopes low: a new day may well bring a refusal to swab again.
This kid is so changeable.
~~~~~
Where JB was and still is Teflon against criticism, Smol is more like me: sullen and resentful of corrections. “Don’t eat the lotion!” is met with a grunt, crossed arms, thrashing, and anger. They feel the cut of a correction so deeply.
Pupdate
Ever since the holidays, Sera has been following me around the house more closely than ever before. It’s kind of cute, minus the tremendously toxic gas clouds she also emits.
She’s had her annual checkup and mostly she’s in good shape but she’s developing a touch of arthritis which the vet said to expect.
Precious Moments
Smol, getting put in jammies for bed: No no!
Smol, getting a lullaby: No no!
Smol, getting tucked in: No no no!
Smol, 1 minute after I shut the door behind me: zzzzzzzz.
~~~~~
JB: you’re not the boss of me!
Me: no? who is?
JB: me! I’m the boss of me and you’re the boss of you!!
Me: ah ok well you’re wrong, I’m definitely the boss of you BUT you’re welcome to be the boss of you and do everything you’re responsible for and taking the consequences when you don’t.
JB’s face: not like that!
~~~~~
I sneeze three times.
Smol: mom!! *Puts hand in front of face and huffs*
Me: you….want me to blow my nose?
Smol: yep.
A long parenting thread
“They feel the cut of a correction so deeply.”
Uhhhh yes. Yes. YES. This is so hard. Any perceived criticism, judgement, telling off… triggers them. it’s clear to me that a gentle touch is needed in those times, but unfortunately others don’t always agree with me.
Perfectionism generally. Anything they can’t do or do perfectly by their own standards or immediately – TRIGGER. Is that the same for you?
We had that with JB in the early days and we REALLY fought the perfectionism by telling them over and over and over that, for example, art is for fun! It’s OK to make mistakes, it’s good to make mistakes because that’s how you learn, etc.
We very deliberately tell them that perfect is impossible and that no one should try for that.
PiC and I have perfectionism tendencies so it’s hard but we don’t want them to grow up with the same inferiority complexes that drive that perfectionism and the constant feelings of inadequacies.
We are also working on being more about the process and the joy in the journey than the end result. That’s still an ongoing thing.
I used to make mistakes on purpose so that I could model NOT being upset. I don’t do that much anymore, but I do call out my own mistakes when they happen.
Honestly, I do that because I’m me and I am goofily transparent. But I think it also shows Baguette that I can make a mistake (and take responsibility when that’s warranted) without feeling bad about it.
That’s actually similar to something I’d do: I’d telegraph my mistakes loudly so they could see when I made them and how I fixed them. When they make a mistake or a mess, I try to focus on what matters: cleaning it up or rolling with it, whatever it is.