My kid and notes from Year 4
March 13, 2019
The last two weeks leading up to this month I was teaching JB “3 and 11/12s” because someday we’re going to need to know fractions and this is an entertaining way to start.
Travel sized
I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, perhaps because I make JB try things the hard way rather than making it easier for zir, but our travel shampoo and conditioner bottles are the perfect size for small hands learning to wash their own hair! Ze has been learning how to do this for months but this is the first time that ze has consistently been wanting to do this particular task all by zirself, from start to finish. No matter how badly it’s done or how long it takes, I’m forcing myself to be patient and offer only verbal guidance because ze really should want to do this and the only way to learn to do something better is to actually do it.
My Little Magpie
JB, pointing at the back of a book: Mommy, can I have this book? Because I don’t have it.
I was just telling OFG about our struggle with teaching JB not to want everything ze sees just because ze doesn’t have it. We repeatedly tell zir that we have to appreciate the things we do have, and we have PLENTY, and we can certainly put things that we want on a list but we don’t rush out and buy things just because we want them or see them. It doesn’t feel like that lesson is sinking in even a little bit. I’m not sure how to reinforce this lesson that we choose to spend our money intentionally and only on things we truly value while still navigating the levels of understanding that children are capable of, and still providing some of that fun and frivolity that is probably healthy for children.
I wouldn’t know this lesson from experience, I assume that balanced people give their kids some fun things. We grew up poor. When we had some cashflow, my parents didn’t know how to use it wisely. Mom never had excess money having grown up even poorer than we were here, she always had to earn income from the time she was very young. Dad never had to be responsible with his money, he spent willy-nilly and his family or friends bailed him out anytime he needed it. (They still do. That’s a whole other thing.)
I’m trying to find a good balance between ascetism and massive consumption. I feel like there has to be this medium of “we can have a nice thing or two, and maybe some cheap fun stuff but we take care of all the things we have”. How do you teach this to a young child, though?
It’s a little tougher too because ze is blessed enough to be loved well by my chosen family who want to give a gift or two and they’re such thoughtful and loving gifts we wouldn’t want to turn them away.
I can’t even remember what I was starting to search here because the suggested items cracked me up.
Taking a reset
We’ve been tackling bouts of stubborn refusal to cooperate with a stick and neutral option instead of a carrot. When JB is refusing to do a chore because of grumpiness, we offer the option of taking some time to reset. Ze still has to ask politely, sitting there like a pouting thundercloud refusing to answer is not allowed under pain of timeout, but ze is allowed to ask for a short reprieve to gather zirself before complying with instructions. Usually we go straight to timeout if ze isn’t listening but we’re finding that if we can reach deep down and find the patience to offer the reset, it can pay off.
Not always, of course. Sometimes ze is too grouchy. Once in a while when ze is full of feelings I’ll crouch down in front of zir and ask if we need to do a “feeling better” hug.
Sometimes ze is too grouchy for that too and we just need to leave each other alone for a while.
EMOTIONS. UGH.
Why are four year olds?
Whatever you want to call it, the end of three and beginning of four has been pretty tough. I’m not sure if this is contagion – ze is in a class with kids at least a year older and is exposed to their behaviors a whole lot sooner than I’d like – or if this is just zir natural pace of growth and challenges.
A friend mentioned that her five year old has been going through the same thing lately, too: bouts of mood swings and temper tantrums. When they’re done, it’s like nothing ever happened. It’s bizarre and unpredictable, strikes like lightning but repeatedly. We might have a dozen mood swings in a morning and they are utterly exhausting because we have to reinforce, every single time, how to appropriately express feelings and what’s not appropriate. (Punch a PILLOW, not ME.)
Precious Moments
That seems extreme
JB: It’s not fun to go to Philadelphia.
Me: Why not?
JB: You can’t go there, you will die!
What is this “before me” period?
JB: When was this?
Me: That was from our wedding.
JB: Where was I?
Me: You weren’t born yet.
JB: I was in your belly?
Me: No, it was even before then.
JB: So I came out already?
Me: No…..
Playing pretend when you can’t read
JB: I’m the mommy, and you’re the baby. Baby, lay on this “pillow” because your head is hurting. Now I will read you a story. Purtend dat this is a new story and dat it says what I say, ok? Ok. Which story?
*I point to Aristocats*
JB: Ok, “once upon a time,” purtend it says once upon a time ok?
Me: Ok.
I do not know what to make of this.
JB: I want to say hello to them!
PiC: And they want to say hello to you!
JB: It’s like a fight!
PiC: …. it’s … not a fight….
JB: IT’S LIKE A FIGHT SITUATION! *glee*
I meant MORAL support
Me: JB, are you done on the toilet?
JB: Yes.
Me: So… can you wipe and move along?
JB: I need your help.
Me: Honey, I’m here to support you but you already know how to wipe, please go ahead and do it. You don’t need my hands for that.
JB: You’re here to support me?
Me: Yes.
JB: If monsters and wolves come, you will support me by punching them to protect me?
Me: ….
JB: And if zombies come, will you punch them?
Me: If zombies come, I will definitely punch them. If monsters and wolves come, I’ll probably talk to them first to see if they’re good or bad before we get to punching.
JB: SOME wolves are not bad.
Me: Yes. It’s important to figure out if they’re good or bad first.
Re: teaching JB about stuff. At this age I try to break it down into the individual lessons rather than the whole philosophy at once. #1 We take good care of our things, #2 Sometimes we buy new things #3 Most of the time we don’t. #1 is demonstrated when we take the time to clean things and fix things, when we remind them to be gentle with something so they don’t break it, or when we comment how glad we are to have XYZ. #2 When we plan to buy something I will tell them about it and if there are options I might let them help me sort through. “We need a new spatula. These ones are too small but these ones are just right. Which color do you think we should get? Okay, large neon magenta it is!” Modeling thoughtful purchases is a good skill to learn. We start giving them an allowance at age 4 or 5 so they can begin practicing. Starting at 5 nickels a week (1 to Give, 1 for the piggy bank, & 3 to spend) isn’t much but buying a lollypop once a month With Our Own Monies is priceless! #3 We buy very little directly for our kids. Clothes? As needed, mostly thrifted, never shopping just to kill time. Candy in the checkout lane? Maybe once a year. Brand new toys? Never. Every few months at the thrift store I’ll tell them they can each pick a book and on even rarer occasions they may pick out a toy. The less accustomed they are to having parents buy things for them the easier it is to take them shopping without “The Gimmies” making an appearance. And when they do admire things or ask about getting them, I keep my response matter of fact and upbeat, “Those are pretty aren’t they? But we don’t need XYZ today / But we already have an XYZ / But we are already getting ABC / But that’s too expensive.” (Some financial experts claim you should never say that last statement but I think it’s foolish to pretend that our spending is constrained only by choice and NOT by finite resources. The USA is piling up credit card debt for a reason!)
Oh I like that approach! I do get myself a bit in over my head trying to do THE WHOLE THING and getting a 4 year old up to the understanding that I have now, which is a totally unreasonable expectation of course.
We struggle more with the shopping thing because ze is very strongly inclined to ask for things but we do tell zir any of the choices that you offer or suggest that we add it to zir list of wants and ze can budget for it.
How is JB already 4?
I BLINKED.
When I read these, I’m always so impressed with your parenting style, and how it seems to fit nicely for JB. It makes me realize that while the little baby days have challenges, there is a lot to parenting that I will have to learn as she grows!
Oh gosh, we’re learning every day!! And we aren’t always quick on the uptake. I hope I’m not accidentally painting a rosy picture of how parenting JB goes because it feels like it’s an uphill climb every other day š
I can’t remember if I ever sent you the link to the post I wrote after our email conversation. Just in case I didn’t here it is: http://www.onefrugalgirl.com/2019/02/teaching-children-to-embrace-minimalism/. I also love Bethany D’s comment above. Keep the conversations open and fluid. As my kids get older they ask a lot more questions about money, purchasing, etc. I hope that the more we talk about it the more they will come to understand that spending is a choice that should be weighed and considered carefully. Only time will tell.
Thanks for sharing the link here!