The big deal birthday party
April 29, 2019
An acquaintance told me that she had a rule for her kids and their birthdays: up til age 3, they had a party. After that, the kids had the choice of a party or taking a trip together. The end result is they’ve been on a LOT of trips, and dodged the hosting a party bullet many times. I envy them a little, as my bones ache in the aftermath of this party.
We have celebrated with JB very quietly the past three years. We had a casual lunch with all our friends the first year, a home cooked dinner with family the second, and the third last was a park date with zir best friend followed up with a happy hour lunch. Each one was low key and most importantly, easy.
Since then, ze has been invited to over a dozen birthday parties which firmly planted the seed that zir birthday could mean, no, MUST mean, A PARTY. As a result, everything for the past 12 months has been about what ze wants for zir party. We don’t typically cater to our child’s whims but several stars aligned in zir favor: PiC wanted to do one, ze has been with these classmates for a really long time, and my favorite relative wanted to lend a hand. We decided it could be a one time thing and we worked on economizing! There was nothing saying we couldn’t do this on the cheap. Was there? (Foreshadowing voice: FOOLS.)
We did off the cuff research as we discussed whether or not this was really happening – at birthday parties for other kids, we evaluated the service, the cleanliness and fun level of each place, the prices. JB was evaluating too. Every party we left, ze piped up: I want to have my party here, please! Discernment, ze has none.
Venues range from $165-$600. ($600!?!?)
We prefer doing park birthdays which seem way more relaxed BUT they’re actually a ton of work. You have to bring everything: food, drinks, place settings, chafing dishes if you have warm food, coolers and ice if you need cold stuff, tableclothes, decorations. This time of the year, you run a real risk of getting rained out. One forward thinking set of parents brought tents and canopies for their kid’s party in case the rainstorm of the week stuck around for their day. Luckily the skies were clear for their event but helping them pack their two cars was a 5.5 person job. Also, why do people not listen when you say gifts are not necessary? They clearly stated “no gifts” and had to pack 20 gifts into their brimming over cars. We gave them the gift of no physical gift and helped them set up and clean up. (I vote that our gift was the most valuable!)
We wanted to have less work and less crap to haul so we picked the cheapest possible indoor venue. The cost should have been as low as we could get it except we expected 20% of the invitees to decline and only 8% did. Even the kid who never goes to any of the birthdays ever said yes. What the heck?? Um, “luckily” a few kids cancelled at the last minute so we had exactly our limit of attendees. Honestly if they hadn’t cancelled, I don’t think we would have had room for them. The party room was MUCH smaller than I expected.
The hour-long activity was really well organized. The two instructors kept things moving right along and the kids were all engaged and relaxed. PiC got to watch and photograph more of it than I did, I was somehow dubbed the “get people to sign their waivers” person so I had to watch the door for stragglers and get them set up.
Total: $235+ $40 tip
Food is typically pizza plus cake.
I was sick and tired of pizza at kid parties. I was going to be different – we were going to have good food! Then I saw how much it would cost to feed 21 kids and 25 adults. Quotes were coming in around $300. Holy crap, nope, immediate backpedaling!
Since I can’t cook in large enough quantities to feed that many people cheaply and well, we ended up with pizza and a platter of catered sandwiches after all. Oops.
We did make our own dessert using a delicious easy recipe. Totally unhealthy but delicious – tiny lemon cupcakes. They’re glazed and in tiny portions so two or three of our cupcakes is still less sugar than your standard store bought cupcake with four inches of frosting. (That’s disappointing to the frosting eaters among the children, namely, JB.) PiC insisted on having a small cake for zir candles and decorated it beautifully.
Naturally the kids all rejected the delectable dainties because it wasn’t the “real” cake. I overheard one parent valiantly trying to convince her kid that these “really are cakes, and they’re DELICIOUS.” We should have seen that coming!
We had sandwiches left over to feed all of us for 4 days, too so that was a nice bonus. They were really good.
Cupcakes for 42 people, plus cake: $24
Pizza: $30
Sandwiches for adults: $50
Juice boxes for the kids: $7
Water bottles, left over from friend’s party: free
Sodas for adults: $10
Dessert platters, which we’ll use again when we host dinners: $25
Cake server because we’re adults now: $4
Foil pans with lids just in case we needed them: $5 (returned these, we didn’t need them)
Paper plates, plastic forks, napkins, leftover from previous events: free
Total: $150
Decorations can ran the gamut, depending on how fancy you get.
Most people have themed balloons, banners, and goodie bags. I used to think that was extravagant. Then we went to a party that was so over the top, we cringed all the way home over the waste. There was SO MUCH paper and plastic, and extravangantly expensive fondant cake that didn’t even taste good, that was thrown away. They had themed everything: goodie cups filled with toys, snack boxes to take home, stickers, custom made frosted cookies scattered all over the tables for the grabbing, and a costume for the birthday kid just for the party. Enough latex balloons for everyone but everyone scattered to the winds with their armloads of swag, leaving only the birthday family to take them home. So much was just left behind, and trashed, it made my heart hurt. Of course the kids were over the moon about it at the time, but they also promptly forgot about it.
We ran in the other direction. We planned to have, at most, a small bundle of balloons, a gold banner that we can use for many birthdays to come, and the venue’s standard tablecloths. We pulled out a set of disposable tablecloths we thriftily saved from PiC’s birthday a few years back just in case. (Disposable, hah!) We couldn’t get the balloons and didn’t need the banner since the venue had one left up already, so that was $21 saved. No one noticed our lack of decorations – the food and drinks and the birthday kid were all they needed.
Total: $0
Goodie bags, oh boy
I was thinking we’d do a stack of books but one of JB’s aunties wanted to contribute this to the party. I THOUGHT she was going to be restrained but… no. I think the kids loved it, it wasn’t a bunch of cheap plastic to throw out, but it was a lot more than we would have done on our own! JB wanted to hand them out personally, ze was so happy to have that thing to do.
Cost to us: $0.
Final out of pocket total: $425.
We’ve very clearly told JB that we’re not doing this again and of course it bounces off like ze is Teflon. Every other week, ze is doing research for zir next birthday and writing up new guest lists! Kids.
We offer our kids the choice of a big: Big Party with friends, Big Present, or Big Adventure/Activity. That has worked out really well! Sometimes there’s a particular large present they are drooling over (which for us means >$50). This year my middle one wanted to do crafts with her cousins, so I arranged a visit & bought supplies to make some special projects. My oldest is a party planner after JB’s heart so we had balloons and brownie sundaes and pancakes with fruity fixings and decorations (mostly just things we already had that fit the theme) and games.
That sounds like such a sane way to approach it, especially with more than one kiddo.
Oh wow, that’s a child cost I hadn’t even considered: birthday parties. Add it to the list of ways the lil suckers cost ya, I guess. Good thing they’re adorable.
Glad you were able to keep the pricing sane (“sane” being a relative term here). I can’t believe parties cost so much! I mean, I guess I can but… Yikes! It’s good of you guys to cave this time. Good luck next year when JB is demanding another party.
Totally relative.
We’ve been telling zir from the Big Day on that this is it, there will be NO party next year XD
Happy belated, JB! I loved this post, and I think it turned out very reasonable. AND FUN!
I think you hit on something that we are really valuing. Sometimes the cost is jarring, but there really is something to be said about outsourcing for parties (at least sometimes!). We just threw a 70th for my mom, and we had it at a restaurant because I didn’t want to clean up after all those people came and I certainly didn’t want to throw the surprise party at her house and have HER clean up after all those people. Added benefit? The restaurant used regular flatware and I would have had to do at least some disposable things (we only have 8 dinner plates LOL).
When a party of some size is warranted for whatever reason, it totally makes sense to consider outsourcing. We tend to forget that our time and sanity is worth something, and when it runs down something very tangible like my health, there’s a higher cost associated with all DIY than for most people.
A party like that for your mom makes sense to do it at a restaurant – built in furnishings and flatware, less waste, less time scurrying around like an enraged chicken trying to get everything done in time while corraling a small child.
We mainly DIYed PiC’s Big Birthday and I had to rely rather heavily on friends to help us out and get us the rest of the way to the finish line in prepping for it when JB was HP’s age.
Poor DC2 has a birthday right in the middle of the summer, so zie hasn’t had a school party yet. There’s been parties at whatever daycare she’s at, but not a full party party. Also since it’s in the middle of the summer she usually gets a party with her Midwestern cousins at the summer family gathering. I agree with Penny that $425 seems pretty reasonable for not having to take care of so much stuff, especially in the bay area. This summer we might do something small for hir 3 best friends since we have all their moms’ text info now. But I have no idea what– maybe a small pool party at our HOA or a playdate.
When we did parties at the local science museum for DC1 (same price as chucky cheese!), we didn’t bother bringing any decorations at all. I don’t think anybody noticed and sometimes there would be decorations left from the previous party.
Summer birthdays don’t get short shrift here for some reason, the parties roll on whether it’s January or December. They will taper off as kids graduate out to kindergarten, though, soon.
I haven’t decided what small thing we’ll do next year, but I had really loved the idea of doing it at the local museums until I discovered they are way too expensive, unfortunately. Very cool but $$$$! So Bay Area.
I have NOT done a birthday party for Little Bun for exactly this reason. No way do I want that stress.
That said, I am loving the ideas of a big present, trip, or other things rather than a party.
I know mothers who shame me for not doing a party but I really am not into stress and all that, and he has not asked for a big party nor does he seem to care.. as long as there are his favourite foods.
Happy bday LB!
PiC is clearly the more social one of the two of us, he’s the one who wanted to do it. But he doesn’t want to do it AGAIN. 😀 (And JB is more social than both of us put together)
I have zero understanding of any parent who shames others for not doing a party – shut it, other parents!
So glad to hear you were able to make it work out for little JB! Sounds like a reasonable value!
For what we could get around here, it was 🙂
We have thrown BwC one small birthday during his three years of existence. It was for his second birthday at Red Robin with both of our immediate families. He really liked since it was with people he was really familiar with but cried toward the end because he wanted to go home and play with his toys. We covered for all their meals and paid close to $200, pretty good for about 15 people.
His play group gave him a birthday party last month along with a couple of his play group friends who had the same birthday month as him. We bought pizza for the whole group for a total of $30
In terms of huge birthday parties, we plan not to throw him one for another few years. When he turns 5, we might do a themed one at a park for whatever he’s into.
That’s a pretty decent rate indeed for that many people!
Happy Birthday, JB! We also have been able to hold off on big parties so far. 1, 2, and 3 were all small family affairs. But I also fear 4 will be the one where we’ll have a “kid” party. She’s been invited to quite a few. Some more elaborate than others.
I love decorations and themes (birthday themes were a big deal for us growing up…usually a favorite Disney movie!). And now that I’ve discovered the magic of the dollar store items I might go overboard with goodies for the kids! I have such fond memories of the parties my mom planned for us, with lots of fun games and homemade cake!
Glad your party went well! And not too expensive, all things considered!
I’m sure you’ll hear this over and over but when the time comes, do what works for YOU and your family. We chose to do this because that’s what we chose to do, this one time, but we certainly don’t feel entitled to invitations to other parties and we don’t feel obliged to do this “bigger and better” thing that some parents feel. We do what we want and is appropriate for our family.
Happy Birthday JB!!
I so enjoy hearing about zir’s growth and personality through the years 🙂
Oh man, inflation has HIT! When we were young (until we were about 8?), we only had a family party–no friends parties. Every year after that I was allowed a friends party and was required to have a family party. They were always separate for some reason.
For the friends party, I could invite 4 friends over only (my sister was always allowed to invite 2 of her friends to it, same with me and her parties) for a slumber party. We always ordered pizza hut pizza, got a few PG Blockbuster movies, and mom and dad allowed us to have a few 2 L bottles of soda, skittles, popcorn, and other snacks to fuel our sugar highs. I always ended up going to my own bed to sleep 🙂
My bday is in the summer, so the family party was always a pool party at the tiny above-ground pool at my grandma’s house. My grandmother always made the food for the family party, esp my birthday cake (she had special frosting and was really good at making roses and decorating the cake).
I don’t know how much any of this cost, but it was all mostly cheap and home-made! Although–a few times we had roller skating parties at the local rink. My sister and I were allowed to invite a total of 6 friends along to it, for a total cost of $40 including skates, admission, and pizza and a cake provided by the skating rink. That seems cheap to me now!
Same! I don’t think I even WANTED a friends-party when I was a kid, not til I was maybe a teen? Even then I never had a big party. It was similar to yours – a few friends, movies, pizza, soda, and a sleepover maybe. That was my speed, and I really hope that JB will settle into liking things of that size and caliber as well because I’m not offering anything bigger 😀
I am lucky that where I live, most folks had home parties for older preteens and teenagers, and most of those parties were sleepovers. I baked a cake, served crappy pizza, let the kids stay up all night watching movies. It was exhausting but cheap. I would do one big present. When my four kids were really young, Chunky Cheese was “in* at the college town where we were living at the time. When we moved rural, the home parties were the norm.
I do wonder what the older kids do these days, and what we’re likely to see out of JB’s cohort when ze gets to that preteen and teen stage. Home parties were normal for us as well, in suburbia, so that’s all I’m prepared to offer for an older kid 😀
Oh, this is timely. My kid is on the low end of the age range for her daycare room– she just turned 3 and many of her classmates are now turning 4 and having parties. The whole class is invited each time. We’ve been to one, and have plans to go to the next two that are coming up. Based on this sample, it seems like everyone is doing a venue party, somewhere that the kids can jump around a lot. Gymnastics place, bounce place, etc. Pizza, cupcakes, beverages, box for gifts,
What I like about the parties is that it gives me a chance to actually meet and talk with the other parents a little–we’re newish to the area and don’t know people socially. And my kid loves running around and jumping all over. But I don’t love the standard the parties seem to be setting. These kids are 3 and 4! It seems really young for such big parties at a venue. I’d much rather stick to the family-only party or a non-family party with a much smaller guest list, at home. I’m starting to worry that I’m going to feel pushed into doing more when the time comes. I feel that it would be uneven to take advantage of attending the parties put on by other parents and then not host one myself. And I think that my kid is likely to feel the lack if she sees so many of the other kids in her class having these big to-dos and then something plainer for her.
Welcome!
That’s very similar to here – big venue parties with a whole lot of stuff. It HAS been useful for us to get to know people and all the kids love to just run, jump and play, it’s so simple at this age. But precisely, it’s really young for such expensive parties, IMO.
My approach is to be very frank with JB about the high monetary cost of these parties and how our priorities are not to be shelling out several hundreds of dollars every year for a birthday when we can have a small meaningful gathering at our home with good food and great friends. It won’t be the same as going to the Giant Play Zone thing but it won’t be “less than” either.
We are battling a very consumerist mentality on this particular subject here in the Bay Area. We know there are people who thrive on showing off through all the stuff they provide at these parties but to us, it just represents SO much waste and ostentation, and we’re going to be learning a lot about how to communicate our mindset of valuing what we have and not needing to have what everyone else has.
Happy birthday, JB! We’ve done a ton of different things, and our kids birthdays are a month apart. We were moving when my son turned ten, and allowed him a sleepover (all I could handle at that time), so then did a big friends bowling party the following year. It was pricey, but I was happy to check it off the list, and felt guilty that his birthday was lost in the shuffle of our move. Otherwise, we typically allow the kids to have friends over. That’s it. Nothing too exciting.
This year, the boys wanted a joint Magic the Gathering “draft”. They each invited 4 friends, and a few of the boys slept over after. I provided pizza, treats, etc. The draft included cards for the other boys to take home. It was the easiest birthday party we’ve ever done, & the boys had a great time.
That sounds like a great idea!
I’m not looking forward to that! So much waste with goodie bags etc. I think we are going to try and delay it as much as possible. Sounds like you kept it very practical and not over the top! Good job!
Tons of waste! We probably won’t be doing another party anytime soon.
We somehow still dodged the bullet with #4 but we shall see when his fifth birthday comes around. He’s been to a couple of parties now at PLACES instead of just home, and he definitely likes the idea. Though he was happy to do Hawaii instead this past year 😉
Yeah it’s such a prevalent thing here it’s tough to avoid JB getting exposed but I feel like the 4th birthday was half zir and half what PiC wanted to do so I’m ok with that. We will need to institute something new for the upcoming birthdays.
[…] from A Gai Shan Life shares the play by play of birthday party spending for her four year old where they invited 21 kids and 25 adults and only spent $150! Pretty amazing for a big […]
It’s really sad to me that society has created this expectation of big birthday parties for kids. My nieces both go to private schools, and the competition with birthday parties is fierce. One girl had a party at the ballet, complete with an actual ballerina and tutus for every guest!
When I was a kid (said with arms crossed and a big harumph) we had kids over to the house for hot dogs and homemade cake. I don’t even remember having a lot of things planned – I think we would just run around and scream for a few hours while my parents ignored us as best they could!
It’s pretty bad in this area! But I guess it’s bad anywhere there’s money.
Did you have a lot of space in your home growing up? We don’t have much entertaining space so it feels like a herd of elephants is overrunning us any time we have a kid friend over. If we were ready to put real money into making over our yard, we could throw the kids out there but that’s way more expensive than a small party 😆