By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (13)

August 24, 2020

If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?

Current total: Lakota, $1,732.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.

Weeks 21 and 22 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Week 21, Day 143: Is there a Monday in which I don’t complain about the Mondayness? This was not one of those.

It actually has Friday to blame. This week was like we started with a technology hangover from the previous week: my phone didn’t work, which meant that my primary form of communication with the outside world was disrupted, as was the ability to manage JB’s lessons. I had to spend yet another two hours trying to fix tech that wouldn’t work, and that’s before getting to my actual FT work. Since I had to factory reset the phone, everything I have set up to make the days work more smoothly and makes the most of every minute was gone and it was like grit in my eyes irritating.

Also my downloading during my work day refused to save to the right folder, it kept going to some random folder with 12,000 other files. Awesome. That required another 20 minutes to solve.

So. Much. Grit. In. My. Day.

JB had a great lesson though, with better behaviors than two weeks ago, and that was really helpful because my temper was already frayed to dangerous levels.

Unfortunately we had to have a very stern talk about interrupting me when I’m clearly on a phone call. Five year olds define “I haven’t eaten in almost 2 hours” as an emergency. No, no it is not.

PiC was having a rough day too with lots of meetings as well and we were all glad for the day to be completely over.

Week 21, Day 144: The calendar says it’s Tuesday, however, “Friday-Monday” continues. I couldn’t get anything to work. Printing out lessons on PDF for JB took 30 minutes. Six pages took 30 minutes. The files wouldn’t download properly, when they would download and I sent the print job, the printer kept going into an error state (is that like a fugue state?), and I’d have to start all over again. It was not a good use of my time.

T-Mobile called me back to tell me that on their side everything was fine so I had to take it to the store for further troubleshooting. Another precious hour was lost at the store troubleshooting only to find out that as far as their tests showed, the problem was with my phone.

My $$$ phone that was purchased with every intention of keeping it for at least 4 years. Insert your curses of choice, here! But after five days of struggling with it, a completely random stroke of luck that involved researching a new phone in bad grace, contacting a friend we’ve never asked before about a source for a new refurbished phone, and some random suggestions led to a baffling resolution. For now, I’m back up and running.

I don’t think it’s a big surprise that my stress is breaking out in a strong desire for retail therapy in the form of stationery and new earrings. In my defense, both the stationery and the earrings are very cute and sold by small business owners so … supporting small businesses? I’m resisting for now but… WANT.

Week 21, Day 145: Getting my phone back up and running doesn’t just mean that it works but it also means that all of my settings are gone. Sigh. I’ll start reinstalling everything slowly.

I’ll get there in time. I am trying to pace myself after having spent so so so much time trying to fix this. I am not good at pacing myself but I’m trying!

Everyone but JB (and maybe Sera, I can’t tell if she’s affected) is getting terrible sleep this week. Seamus keeps waking us up in the middle of the night to go outside for bathroom breaks. We have been adjusting his food intake and meal times to try and combat this, to no avail. I have got to come up with something though, this is not sustainable.

Week 21, Day 146: JB’s lesson was cancelled today because their teacher was ill. They were most unhappy about the cancellation. We agreed that it was very sad, and then we had to move on to adjusting our day since both of us parents still have to work. The work doesn’t stop for anyone.

They did an admirable job of keeping themselves busy independently for quite a long time. They worked on some beading and then set up a shop complete with a maximum occupancy sign, a “We’re Open” sign, and a “Masks Required” sign.

After the week we’d had, complete with matching gloomy weather, the sun came out and I simply could not take it anymore. I had to make some time on the schedule and we went outside together for air and exercise as a family. It was so very desperately needed.

Week 21, Day 147: Yet another day preceded by 3 interruptions: Seamus twice and JB getting up in the middle of the night with some nightmare.

We were all slow and grumpy today, late to get the day started and slow to get our brains in gear. I worked all morning and got nothing of my own work done because I was buried in management minutiae. That was also frustrating. But I was really glad I made the call to cancel therapy this week. It’s important but sometimes keeping that hour so I can shift work around in the week so that I can get some other kinds of joy in is also important. I’ll need to get back to it next week.

The state of the world is utterly depressing and I’m feeling it.

I’m so mad at the state of education, I was furious before the pandemic and triply so now that teacher friends are having such a stressful time. They’re worried about their health, their jobs, their finances, and I can’t see a path to this being better.

Week 22, Day 150: I had a good long think last week about how to reduce our nightly wake ups and decided over to delay the dogs’ dinnertime by two hours. Seamus’s old dog GI system just isn’t working the way it used to and the timing of his need to find the nearest patch of grass seemed to be more or less 14 hours after his last meal. The two hour delay went into play on Saturday and it’s been three days and nights in a row that he hasn’t woken us predawn to be let out! Voila! May this solution last.

It was a weird day. Monday, of course, with all its requisite sorrows of the weekend pileup, my exhausted brain taking forever to turn over, and all that. Plus we are shorthanded and I am training multiple people so I spent the entire day feeling like I wasn’t juggling so much as just having tennis balls showered on me. It’s not to say I didn’t get work done. It just didn’t feel satisfying. But somehow, dropping my expectations to the very bottom of the barrel actually helped.

PiC indulged in a new piece of equipment that will enhance his fitness regimen nicely which makes him happy, which makes me happy, which means… Well, the adults are happy. It’s very shiny and it better be because it cost a hell of a lot of money. But I’ve been stockpiling cash aggressively and we were able to cashflow it so I have no real non-tightwad objections. Also it’s his first new piece of equipment ever so there was bit of a thrill there. He’s only ever bought used but for this particular piece, and this situation, buying new made sense.

Dar’s post had me consider the ways we’re still thriving. JB and PiC have done so much exploration, that we are really very balanced throughout the day with a couple hours of screentime for lessons or entertainment, and the rest of the day JB will be engaged in activities (directed and self directed) in and outside the house. They’re happy to go outside as often as we propose it, though they may or may not be happy about the restrictions (with dogs, without dogs, uphill or downwill, local only, etc). They’re not a perpetual bucket of rainbows but by and large they are generally enthusiastic about the “fun” stuff and do it, they’re also moderately mouthy about the chores but they still do that too. It’s about as good as one can really ask of a five year old who is healthy, loved and supported amid a pandemic. It helps when my sanity is fraying to know that they are resilient as all get out and I don’t have to add parental guilt on top of my personal anxieties.

I spent a lot of time upset about the state of our country which is at odds with the general state of our personal lives which are generally good. I’m struggling healthwise but I also benefit greatly from remote therapy and I have a strong virtual network which has been years in the making.

PiC and I are in accord most of the time, we work well together as a team, we try not to get on each other’s nerves too much when we’re grouchy.

Week 22, Day 151: Many signs point to it being time to replace some furniture. First: our bed. I’ve resisted the upgrade to a king size bed for the past couple years because that’s what I originally wanted 8-10 years ago but PiC vetoed it, and then I became too attached to our new $$$ mattress to let it go in favor of a bigger one.

Now there are permanent indents in the foam and rotation doesn’t help. This means my back pain is roaring back with a vengeance and that won’t do. I don’t really love the idea of shopping for bed and mattress right now but I am rapidly loving the idea of having a new bed with a tall headboard I can lean against when the heartburn is trying to eat me alive.

Our sofa was already used when we bought it and it’s logged another ten years and a whole lot of weight. PiC would like a larger (but not too large) replacement and I’d like something more comfortable for my picky bones. It’s still perfectly fine for normal people but I spend a fair bit of rest time there and I need something that will support me well.

This one feels more complicated though. PiC can’t move it alone and I can’t help right now. It can’t be taken apart and stored the way the bedframe can if just want it out of the way for a while. Also, we would typically Craigslist the old one, but we sure wouldn’t feel comfortable buying a fabric covered piece of furniture used, sight unseen, in this pandemic and I’m not sure I want to sell to someone who doesn’t have any concern on that point because it makes me think they’d be the sort who don’t take Covid seriously, and therefore I don’t want them in the house. Honestly I don’t want anyone in the house if I don’t trust them implicitly! So a used sofa sale feels too complicated right now. I have been looking into whether we can donate it.

Week 22, Day 152: A friend sent us a box of hand me downs and assorted gifts that were amazing and I was absolutely overwhelmed by their generosity. It was so much amazing stuff, and I adore hand me downs and the ability to give clothes another round of life. Then I found out that at least one of the contributors isn’t employed right now and the guilt smacked me right in the gut. We are so fortunate right now with our jobs and income, enough that we can save for an uncertain future and give to others, and accepting this gift from someone presumably less financially comfortable feels like I’m taking advantage of them.

This strongly ties into my guilt over the weekend about not being deserving of friendship if I don’t give enough of myself, even if I know friendship isn’t transactional intellectually, but this is somewhat worse because this was a friend of a friend and we’re living in a pandemic.

I’ll admit I am mainly extrapolating that they’re not necessarily stable from the knowledge that they’re on unemployment right now and that friend tried to talk them out of it which means they probably shouldn’t have pitched in, but it doesn’t seem like a far-fetched conclusion. Friend wouldn’t try to talk someone out of giving if they knew they were fine financially.

I don’t know how people learn to accept gifts graciously, internally. I’m beyond grateful and will express my gratitude of course but I also have this terrible feeling of being undeserving and guilt.

I spent some time on this in therapy and it helps to realize that gifts can be a complicated thing for a recipient even if they don’t have difficulty believing they are worthy, and also that a big part of gracious acceptance has to do with seeing that the ability to choose to give a gift is in itself a boon to the giver. I know this intimately, it’s why I spend so much time working on giving initiatives. I want to give back because we can and should and it’s meaningful to me. It’s a gift to be stable enough to be able to give. And that’s where I’m finding my peace with it: these gifts are from people who wanted to give and I can respect that more than I need to dwell on my initial guilt.

Feeling like I have worth and am worth being friends with is another can of worms to work through.

Week 22, Day 153: A small complaint. We had a glorious forecast for the week. As high as mid 70s! Even one day in the 80s!

Then I found gluten free bread with a reasonably low carb content. I could work with it. I’ve been craving real bread texture for ages and my homemade stuff is dense like a brick.

After a few day, my fingers were swelling up. I had a debate: is it because of this heat or the bread? I finally decided to figure it out by stopping bread intake for a few days.

And the weather immediately went cool again. Way to mess with the experiment! But actually I didn’t need much data because I started noticing that the swelling really does correlate with the temperature. So that’s that question answered.

Week 22, Day 154: We met JB’s new teacher briefly and … friends … this looks like it’s going to be … Well. There’s no diplomatic way to put it. Terrible. It’s going to be terrible. The teacher seemed surprised that we were still in a pandemic and that this all wasn’t over yet and hopes we can be in class in person again soon. It seems like she wasn’t really looking at lesson planning so much as hoping it’ll all blow over.

I remarked mildly that I didn’t think any of this was going to be over soon, so we’re happy to learn how to make remote learning work together. I truly hope she gave the wrong impression today and that she isn’t just banking on this virus disappearing. Nothing she said has inspired confidence, yet. Both her view on the situation at large and the fact that she still doesn’t know how to work her technology feels this will be a steep learning curve.

No teacher has the answers but the ones I know and trust have put some thought into how to face the limitations of their learners’ age group and have some ideas on how to work with it. Some are even doing some test runs to test their assumptions. Heck, we engaged with our current remote teacher because they were doing remote work test runs and asked JB to assist as a guinea pig / student tester. Realistically I think it’s going to be hell and a half corralling over 20 five year olds – rest assured, I’m not expecting any miracles or significant learning. I had just hoped we’d be on the same page as far as health and safety.

We’ll see how that pans out. We’ll keep finding ways to supplement JB on our own as we always planned to and we’ll muddle through. As long as I can keep my family safe at home, not passing around virus to vulnerable people, I can handle the rest of it.

TGIF!!!

The good thing is Fridays have meaning again. The bad thing is it’s because the week is So Slogging Hard I am relying on the same to recover again.

:: How are you holding up? Have you found any good routines to your days?

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