Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (35)
February 2, 2021
Week 46 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 46, Day 319: TFW it’s 2 am, you’re thinking it is about dang time to wrap up because you’re already on your second post bedtime wakeup cycle with the baby (need to change a diaper while they wail rigorously to express a deep despair and grief, nursing for 20-30 minutes plus another five after you lay them down and they holler with such insistence that they weren’t done yet mom I’m still starving and they reattach only to hang out casually like it’s the mall), and you look down to see eyes that are wide open. No thank you please.
I am not enjoying this particular overnight stretch.
***
My cell phone battery life is absurd. It was 95% when I started typing. It’s now 68%. And I type pretty fast.
***
Seamus’s health took a sharp downward turn.
Week 46, Day 320: One of the saddest days and worst nights of my life.
JB was unconsolable this first night without their big brother Seamus and I wasn’t in better shape. We hugged and cried and cried and cried.
They thought they understood what “dead” meant, and they wanted to be there for the appointment to say farewell so we thought they were at least getting the idea of what was happening. I had explained it earlier and they’d had time to be upset at home. They seemed almost upbeat at the appointment, asking the vet which injection was “the dying shot”.
But they couldn’t understand why he wasn’t coming back home with us. They didn’t understand why he didn’t close his eyes. They wanted to know how he was going to be cared for overnight. I’ll tell you what, that last one destroyed me for another hour.
Week 46, Day 321: I just about remember how to exist. We still have to do all the usual things. Schoolwork, fighting with Comcast, figuring out why my leave claim at EDD is stalled out. It rained almost all day, so Sera just had quick trips outside for the bare necessities because she hates walking in the rain.
We finally had a break in the early evening so the whole troupe went for a walk and the pain of our being all together without Seamus was palpable. I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time, muscle memory telling me to walk slowly and looking down to ensure his feet didn’t slip or his hips didn’t give out or that he wasn’t struck with a sudden unpredictable need to stop. Then I’d look down and he wasn’t there. And my heart would hurt all over again. This is so incredibly hard.
Week 46, Day 322: I miss my Seamus. I will always miss him.
***
I’m incredibly frustrated with EDD right now. They have questions but they didn’t give me any way to respond to them when I missed their unexpected call. Then they just rejected my claim without explanation. Then they refused to answer the phone ever. It was nowhere near this painful getting my disability claim paid with JB, I don’t understand what’s going on but it’s taking several phone calls to our doctor to see if they can help with documentation.
Week 46, Day 323: With the good news about the J&J vaccine, I find myself pondering the state of things.
As parents, we’re deep in the “it’s a phase” stage of life again with an infant, with things changing day to day and week to week. Also sleep deprivation. I haven’t gotten a full night of sleep since the 2nd trimester probably so I’m going on 6 or 8 months of interrupted sleep?
As humans, we’re almost a year into this pandemic. We still have no information about when we adults are going to have access to vaccines, when kids under six are going to have trials for vaccines, when it’ll be moderately safe to travel or how we’ll establish our next new normal. I have to confess to at least some jealousy of our family in other countries that have dealt with this so much more effectively that they have essentially normal lives now. I also have to figure out if I can make any changes to JB’s educational experience this year. Looking into some of the online public school / charter school options, they don’t seem to be well reviewed by employees which suggests to me we’d still be dealing with stressed and disgruntled educators and it may well be going from the frying pan to the fire.
Collectively, at least a dozen friends have lost a loved one to COVID, at least six of us have bid farewell to long beloved dog companions, we’ve lost grandparents after not seeing them the past year, our kids have been socially restricted for so long I wonder if they’ll just be feral by the time they’re back in society again and I’m honestly not sure how badly stress has deteriorated the health of most adults just coping.
Hugs. I’m so sorry to hear about Seamus. And, being in the phase of sleep deprivation is just so incredibly challenging. It makes the most basic tasks feel insurmountable. Here’s hoping you get some much needed rest.
And, on the COVID stuff, I feel that. I’m so burned out. I recognize how incredibly lucky we are as a family (retained our jobs, WFH safely, everyone is healthy). But, two teens at home, schooling & just not getting what they need socially or educationally is really difficult. It’s the lack of timing clarity & any vision of the future that makes this so very hard. I find myself regularly so frustrated, but there doesn’t seem to be much to do, short of adapting as we can, and finding new (moderately enjoyable) sense of normal.
I’m REALLY tired. I’m looking forward to a stage where I can get regular sleep again, whenever that is.
Too right, though we’re both reasonably lucky, it’s still a rough road.
I’m sorry to hear about Seamus and also JB. It’s hard.
My current fantasy is a week of utter silence with books, food, and no responsibility to take care of anyone or anything.
Some of my usually-dormant stress-related health conditions have started reawakening in the last month. They’re not deteriorations per se, but rather signs that the times are getting to me. I’ll hold the line, though. There’s no other choice, really.
Thank you.
I can really get behind your fantasy, let me sign up for a similar week please!
There isn’t much choice but it really stinks that we have to keep white-knuckling it.
OH NOOOOO
I was worried that something had happened to your sweet older pup when you hinted at it the other day.
That is so sad. I’m so sorry. š Big hugs to the whole fam. I’d say hang in there but that is all anyone has been doing for a whole year. :/ Things are just really awful and tough right now. Take it minute by minute. Thinking of y’all.
I kept hoping we could have a few more days or weeks but .. I knew he didn’t have it. *deep breaths* Thank you.
soo many hugs <3
this inability to plan ahead for anything is so frustrating. I feel for everyone in other countries and am grateful every day for being to live relatively normally, even with the anxiety knowing that anytime we could be sent back into full lockdown.
So so sorry about Seamus. And yes, JB’s questions are heart wrenching but should be far better in the long run.