Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (41)
March 15, 2021
Week 52 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 52, Day 359: After a 4.5 hour sleep, Smol is up at midnight, then again at 320 am for changes and feedings. My painsomnia is back full force these past few days so I get mere minutes of sleep between those wakings. They start squeaking a bit at 530 am so I push Snoo’s soothing levels to Level 3 and that bought us another hour. PiC takes them at 630 and I pass out for a bit longer. A little after 8 am, I manage to pry myself out of bed and join the family in the kitchen. PiC is holding Smol while JB has their breakfast, so I leash up Sera and take her out for a quick walk. She’s pulling like a sled dog though, so after she takes care of business, I take her to the backyard and have her run laps until she’s panting heavily, then she enjoys breakfast.
All this only takes us up to 8:30 am. Gotta take the day one hour at a time.
PiC covers baby time until 10, I take over and play with Smol until they’re ready for bed at 11. My next hour is yelling at my old work computer that JB uses for school because things aren’t working. I fix it and grouchily go fix lunch. After that I yell at my new work computer for an hour because THAT isn’t working.
It took me a while to get over my grouchiness but it finally faded after I got some work done and then had a brainstorm for dinner: chicken and veggie soup from scratch.
*****
I got curious about rents in this area because of our discussion on Twitter of this Atlantic article. Lo and behold, 4 bedroom family homes here are still renting for $4500-6000 a month. Welp.
Our mortgage was hovering near the low end of that scale before tax and insurance and I did a lot of shuffling of money (large payments to principle and recasting multiple times and then refinancing last fall) to halve it.
Week 52, Day 360: My wake-ups started at 11:30 pm, followed up with another one at 3 am and 4 am. I refused to feed them again at 4 since they’d JUST nursed, and they were trying to engage with grins and chuckles, but that was a fool’s move. They were furious and I caved after five minutes of increasing indignation.
I pulled them out at 6:55, grinning and talking, for cuddles until PiC was ready to take over a few minutes later. I gave myself ten minutes to breathe before getting up, Sera popped in to chivvy me out the door for her walk as soon as I showed signs of life. We did a short walk to take care of business and then I sent her on a mission to run her little heart out in the backyard before breakfast. It’s a good way to make sure she gets some exercise in case our day is too busy to go for a long walk.
PiC has early morning meetings so I retrieve Smol just before 8 and get them settled for a nap by 8:30. JB is occupied with their kindergarten class and Smol’s nap is a respectable 2.5 hours which lets me get through a fair lot of work: paying bills, emails, laundry, pumping, setting up appointments and organizing JB’s Spring Break classes. I took too long to book so unfortunately we only get one of the three I was considering. They’re mostly fun classes, we needed some things to occupy JB while we’re both working, but they can also have a greater share of free choice independent time that week as well.
The afternoon went by quickly – I had a curbside pickup at Target, first time I’ve driven anywhere since my massage appointment three weeks ago I think? I was exhausted by the one errand on the heels of 5 nights of no sleep, so I had a half hour liedown and then a cuddle with Smol when they woke up from Nap #2. PiC took them when he was done with his afternoon call at 3:30.
I folded laundry, then wandered off to work on some admin work for the Lakota project. A handful of donations came in yesterday and today, and I want to log them all properly. Once we have a good balance, I’ll pick another family to shop for. Mutual aid is such a wonderful thing.
PiC suggested takeout for dinner, and we were going to explore trying a new place but JB made a strong argument for Korean and we were swayed. It was delicious! t//Though I think this is the last time we’re getting the spicy tofu soup from this place because they have it only one way and I perceive it to be a touch too spicy, PiC perceives it as a bit too sweet, and JB is lukewarm about it. We need to get our soondobu from our old favorite place and stuck to the excellent standard bulgogi, kalbi, and bibimbop from this place.
Week 52, Day 361: After yesterday’s excellent dinner, I mentioned to PiC that I felt like things were finally Not Terrible. It’s like I hexed myself with that statement because Smol Acrobat was up four times before my night shift was over. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t remember what time PiC’s morning meetings were and it kept nibbling at the back of my mind after I finally fell asleep at 6 am, so I was up by 7:30 even though that wasn’t nearly enough sleep. Sigh.
He minded Smol until it was almost meeting time, and I took over for the next 2.5 hour block so he could get some work done. After they woke up from what would prove to be their only worthwhile nap of the day, we hung out in JB’s room reading.
My nursing and pumping schedule was all out of whack because of the previous night, and I had no bottles left ready to go since neither of us had time to defrost some stored milk so I nursed Smol for their post nap session. We used up the last of our formula last week, deciding to stop formula for a few weeks in order to use up my unexpected stash of frozen breastmilk and reclaim precious freezer space. Of course, the moment we went off formula and needed my milk supply it abruptly dropped from a regular 12-14 ounces a day to 8-10 ounces. I joke that I had performance anxiety but I’m guessing it just happened to coincide with increasingly crap sleep, first because of my week long fibro flare up and now because Smol has entered a Torment the Parents sleep regression. I’m not going to worry overmuch. We need to use up the frozen stuff and that’s not going to happen if I keep steadily producing as much right now. I’m going to trust that supply will come back later. And if it doesn’t, we can buy formula. The baby will be fed one way or another, and that’s all that matters. On the feeding front, anyway. My duchy for the ability for everyone to sleep through the night, long-term.
I was happy to have the funds to fulfill some needs for two Lakota Families during my “free” afternoon hours. As usual, there was one item that was incredibly elusive (pants) and I went through several options that would either go in the cart and then be out of stock for shipping or not go in the cart at all. Why is it an option to select on the site to add if it’s out of stock?? Arggh! So frustrating. But I finally figured out a solution and submitted the orders.
The email to update contributors will go out once everything is delivered safely, as usual.
Week 52, Day 362: Being up every single hour since midnight got real old really really fast. By 330 I was almost ready to wake PiC up and have him take over. After one last go round with the baby fuss fuss fussing, after I was thoroughly and completely exhausted and wide awake, Smol finally went to sleep. Nggghhhhh. I didn’t want to speak to this baby after my morning shift for at least two hours. TWO. MAYBE EVEN THREE.
PiC took Smol until his meetings started. I took the next two hours and he got the next two hours after that. During my two hours off, I cooked dinner, baked bread, and prepared a huge crockpot pork shoulder for meals later this week. Thanks to my new gel inserts, my hips aren’t seceding from my body after all the standing.
Smol Acrobat actually slept for one three hour nap, the only longer than 30-minute nap of the day, and I used that time to just lay down and rest. So much needed rest.
I ponder life for a while. I have no clue what life will look like this coming year. Just like I had no idea what we were facing this time last year. We’ve chosen to stay fully remote for JB’s schooling though they are so disenchanted with this class that they expressed a preference for just doing Seesaw everyday and not attending virtual class. They are tired of listening to their teacher repeat her trite phrases. I observe that their (almost non existent) gripes about their excellent virtual tutor are performative and lack conviction. The reality is they have to work a lot harder with their tutor and they are very engaged. Complaints are just something to say because kids talk a lot, but 98% of the time they’re not complaining. I hope their next school teacher will stop leaning so hard on all the wrong ways to “empathize” with the students (when in reality it’s frequently thinly veiled complaining). I also dislike her passive aggressive jab at me/us during parent teacher conferences. Yes we know JB can count to 100, you would have known if you had properly assessed them last trimester instead of cutting them off and marking them down dishonestly. Ugh. Whatever. Summer will be a challenge but I will be so happy for them to be out of this class.
I don’t know what it’ll take for us to feel comfortable with daycare and school again. Probably we’ll feel safer with daycare and their many precautions than school with teachers who are allowed to decline vaccines. But then we run into my reticence to send Smol off “too early”. I had JB home with me until 11 months and hard as that juggle was, I cherished the time we had together. Me, them, and Seamus – I have fond memories of that time. But I also cherished my childfree hours during the days.
We don’t plan to travel this year. Comic Con has been cancelled and I can’t see bestirring myself this summer for any other reason. It’s possible, like anything is possible, that our feelings may change but right now we have no clue when we’ll be vaccinated. The kids don’t have any vaccines, so we don’t plan to change our caution level based on adults having vaccines. Besides, my immune system remains untrustworthy. I’ve been vaccinated for the flu every year for several years and I still catch every bug the kids carry. Even when they’ve got just a runny nose, I’d come down with a 3 week course of misery. There isn’t any reason for me to believe that my immune system isn’t going to behave exactly as it has for the past decade: poorly. I already have many of the symptoms of long COVID. I’m adamantly opposed to adding more severe or additional symptoms.
So. We’re tired. We’re spread so thin. We’re stressed. But for the foreseeable future, I don’t know what can change for us until kids can be protected too.
Week 52, Day 363: I have to confess that after a few nights of awful sleep, I’ve a terrible attitude about it. The fatigue I could just about handle if it didn’t also trigger a loosening of the joints, and the swelling of the hands and the back pain. Only nine nights of slightly better sleep and I’ve become completely spoiled! Back to the torture we go. This might be a sleep regression, but I would very much like for it to go back to the mere two wakings per night, please? To add insult to injury, Smol Acrobat always has one waking where they are unreasonably cheerful. Nosir no ma’am, no thank you, I want none of this middle of the night jovial smiles and convivial coos! Save that for the waking hours!
I had a work call this morning, one I was actually looking forward to which is rare indeed, and so even though I was pretty delirious after perhaps two hours of catch up sleep between 545-745, I hauled myself out of bed at 810 to have a bite of breakfast and walk Sera while PiC got Smol back to bed for their first (spoiler alert: totally trash) nap. It lasted 30 minutes. Sighhhh. Like the good sport he is, PiC continued to cover until well after my call was concluded. He was staging a mini photoshoot when I reminded him that he had an appointment in 40 minutes. He’d totally forgotten so yay me.
While he was away, Smol having gone with him, a mourning JB stayed behind and emoted. Heartbreak and horror at being separated from their baby was only alleviated slightly by some really fantastic pulled pork on flatbread, a few bonus episodes of Bluey, and the ability to do anything they wanted in their room “without having to hear Baby crying”. They say that as if they notice half the time Smol is crying. Hah.
This afternoon we had a novelty: an online Spanish lesson for JB. Nicole and Maggie’s commenter recommended this company, which offers a free demo, so we took them up on that. It was interesting! JB was reticent at first but very quickly warmed up to the tutor. They were proud of their lesson on colors, and the coloring they did, so they’d like to keep taking lessons.
I have a moment of relief that their kindergarten teacher has only killed their love for kindergarten and not learning. They’re still happy to learn with their tutor, with this Spanish tutor, from art tutorials.
The next couple hours fly by. Lots of small moments of irritation as JB is bursting with energy and zero control over their physicality so they keep kicking or hitting or squashing us/Smol one after the other during the 80s dance party I was “DJing”. I ask the universe for patience but none is forthcoming. I speak to them sternly about the need for space and minding your body and its proximity to other bodies. The lesson probably hasn’t sunk in.
Before we know it, it’s past time to get dinner on the table. We simultaneously decide on pizza. Smol was having a rough day, crying almost constantly, so PiC handled pickup while I bathed, fed, and tucked Smol into bed. JB can handle their own bath thankfully and they hung out with us, entertaining Smol, while we got ourselves settled and then set the table while I put Smol in bed.
TGIF!
*****
It’s been a year of living in a pandemic. 53 weeks ago, we went to a friend’s birthday party and I was struck with the realization that this was likely the last time we’d feel comfortable going out, socially, “for a while.”
52 weeks ago, I cancelled our Meet and Greet with the petsitter scheduled for the end of March saying we’d reschedule when things seemed clearer. PiC and I sat at our kitchen table and discussed the situation. His employer had been allowing anyone who could to work from home for two weeks already as a precaution. I’d been obsessively reading about the virus since January and we had been slowly adding basic supplies to our pantry. At this point, we felt like it was time to pull JB out of daycare. We agreed between ourselves on that Friday, and two days later, everything shut down.
In this year, so many people have lost so much, unnecessarily. I could never have imagined such a bleakly horrific response from our federal government, nor the development of a vaccine that could be administered by this point in time.
We’ve mostly been incredibly fortunate. in our own lives, even as we remain isolated, and more than once I’ve found myself reflecting on passages from Anne Frank’s diary. We have lost an entire year of time with our family and friends, JB lost their first year of school and their love of kindergarten, we have had a baby who has only met one family member and a few friends but hasn’t been held by anyone but us. It could have been much worse.
We still have jobs and income, we have been able to take care of ourselves and help others, we’ve been connected remotely to family from afar so we’ve still been able to spend time with some family we didn’t get to visit.
Looking back at 2020 and the entire year of living amidst a pandemic, I’ve got a bit of emotional whiplash.
The speed and effectiveness of the vaccines are truly remarkable. What a year. I really hate how politicized everything has been.
When fully vaccinated, I do expect a lot to change for us, albeit slowly. With community spread at modest levels, we are comfortable accepting vaccinated visitors under the assumption that vaccines greatly reduce infection & spread. Data isn’t fully vetted, but there is good reasons to be optimistic. By “visitors” I mean high priority visitors: my or T’s parents at this point. by fall, i expect we’ll both be working in person more often and I expect daycare hours are a little more standard (my work day currently ends at 3:30 for pickup, resulting in spill into late evenings and weekends). Anything bigger will depend on CDC guidance, virus prevalence, mutations, and timeline for children’s vaccines.
Your pace sounds reasonable. I think once the reality of the vaccine sinks in, we’ll reevaluate. Right now my worldview can’t quite encompass what that life is going to look like.
After our happy vaccination day arrives, I expect we’ll mostly just continue holding our restrictions in place but feel a lot less guilt & anxiety about the limited socializing we’ve been doing. We’re going to continue being cautious for the kids sake until either A) they’re vaccinated too or B) there’s a reasonably good chance that the community of adults surrounding them has reached herd immunity.
A and B sound sensible! I worry more that B is not so reliable so I’m really hoping hard for A happening first.
I had coffee outside with an also-fully-vaccinated friend this week which was way more exciting than it should have been. Mostly I just feel less guilty about grocery shopping in person or more than once every 2 weeks.
My sisters (not in CA) are supposed to be eligible in about 2 weeks so now they’re trying to convince me to visit later this spring. I’m still torn between not having seen them (or my parents, or my nephews, 2 of whom are toddlers and so have no idea who I am) in >18 months, knowing visiting would be reasonably safe for all of us, and the ongoing recommendation against nonessential travel even for vaccinated people.
Yay, that is exciting!
Ohh that is a tough calculation. I’m also weighing when it’ll be safe to travel for our family too (post-vax) against when too many people will be traveling after being pent up too long. I hope you find a time that feels right to you!