By: Revanche

My kids and notes from Year 6.2

March 30, 2021

Consequences

JB was a big grump about having me trim part of their hair. It’s no fun for me, either. They won’t stay still, they won’t look up, they keep whining. Finally I warned them that they had better stay still and look up for a full minute, but since they didn’t, I just chopped large chunks out of their hair and let them go inside. It was 2 minute cut and it showed.

They burst inside: Dad look! It wasn’t even that long, I’m all done!
PiC: Great! Looks great!

They ran out of the room. He turns to me and mouthed: WHAT HAPPENED???

It was really that bad. But too bad! If they didn’t want a hack job, they should try standing still for more than 0.2 seconds.

From our perspective

We’ve had some good talks about parenting lately. Of course these stem from frustration and conflict, which doesn’t feel good, but from conflict comes understanding and growth for all of us. We’re trying to do our best to parent in a non authoritarian way and that’s completely uncharted territory in both our experiences. We tend to repeat what we know because that’s easiest and familiar. Going away from that deliberately means we’re writing new to us paths and feeling our way sometimes. The good thing is we talk through our conflicts as much as we can and try our best to create new patterns. Sometimes it feels like the stakes are lower for me because JB cares so much more about what PiC thinks, says, and does than me. It lowers the pressure when I screw up. They don’t have a problem having a rough time with me and saying it’s a rough time or acknowledging later that they know it was a frustrating time.

*****

We had a stand-off about food recently.

They have eaten zucchini a thousand times. WEEKLY in the past years. We don’t always love them as prepared but our rule is that you have to have a single serving of what’s served. That’s non negotiable. We don’t insist they eat more than that if they don’t like it, we don’t force them to pretend they like it, but it’s important to us that they eat a balanced diet that includes vegetables. When we have other options, we are fine with their choosing the preferred veg but sometimes we only have one, and you just have to eat the thing.

We’ve been lucky – they historically have liked 95% of the food that I’ve made, and so that 5% hasn’t been a real issue. They’ve just shrugged and eaten their serving and moved on. Until that night. For some reason, they decided that zucchini was the enemy. “Do I HAVE to eat this?” they whine.

To myself: When have you NOT had to eat something I’ve served you????? To them: Yes.

They huffed. They puffed. They came very close to my blowing my stack.

JB: “I’m super angry. Because my belly is full and you’re making me eat this.”
Me: “That’s fine, you can be super angry about it. You still have to eat it.”

They glare at me with ferocity.

Me: “You may feel any way you want about it. You may NOT be rude to me about it.”

JB sat there, arms crossed, crying even. Over a vegetable they’ve eaten a thousand times without a problem. Over 7 slices of zucchini. I took ten deep breaths. I took ten MORE deep breaths. I calmly stated that I had worked very hard to cook dinner while they got to watch TV, and their attitude about having to eat a part of it that they didn’t like was both rude and hurtful. It’s fine that they don’t like it, it’s fine that they’re unhappy about it, they have the right to their own opinion and I’m fine with hearing their opinion. They’re allowed to express their feelings. But they do have to show decent manners, which shoving the plate away and sitting there with arms crossed is not.

I was particularly annoyed by the lie that they were full. They were still eating the salmon, but refusing the veggies on the grounds of being too full. Kids lie, I know, but it’s really difficult for me to stomach lies. This is something I’m still navigating as a parent and as a person with a history of being lied to on all levels by family.

Still, I didn’t want to turn food into a punishment. We sat together for a while, expressing our feelings as calmly as we could manage (at least on my part, I was trying not to lose my temper and yell since I knew I was tired and cranky), and they finally proposed a solution: they would eat it the next day. That compromise I could live with.

I’m pondering on how we want to deal with this in the future. I have serious issues with kids lying but a friend rightly points out that kids lie. It’s a thing they do. I think she’s right. I have been accustomed to JB willingly eating everything I cook with enthusiasm but need to adapt my expectations as they get older, I need to know that can change. I don’t like it but I have to accept it.

Life with Smol Acrobat

Sleep continues to be elusive and tricksy. We get some, and I’m grateful for every minute, but not so much that I’m rested by any stretch. Apparently there’s a middle ground between my getting 2 hours total sleep between 7 pm and 6 am, and getting a full night’s sleep. That middle ground is a place where my tired brain is so addled I truly and fervently believed that Smol had slept from 9 pm to 5 am. One night I’d just forgotten a whole cycle of waking, diaper change, and feeding. If we didn’t make it a habit of recording all the doings, I’d have convinced myself that we really slept!

*****

Smol Acrobat is trying really hard to roll over. Really really hard. They actually managed it once, but then flopped back on their back.

*****

JB’s mission in life is to get a laugh out of Smol. Their go to phrase right now: “my feet are always dirty!” I have no idea why that works.

*****

PiC has been experimenting with ways he can help me at night with the baby and he’s finally noticing that Smol goes from sleeping to a five alarm fire. Yes, this is why I breastfeed at night. I don’t want to waste time to waste warming up a bottle if I have a choice! He describes it as “demanding the manager’s manager’s manager!” 🤣

He also forgets that JB was the exact same way. I, however, clearly remember they were. With JB I didn’t have enough milk so I had to warm up a bottle and boy howdy were those long excruciating waits for the milk to become less frigid.

*****

Life in this month with Smol feels less frantic. It’s by no means easier but that tightly twisted snarl of fretting and barely contained panic inside that felt we were on a knife’s edge and if I stopped moving we’d DIE has eased up. The PPD is less intense as well. They may be linked. Either way, I’m grateful for a little less of both.

Pupdate

Sera’s been hanging out with us a little more, not just to get us to feed her, but like she actually wants a bit of affection. When we pet her, she frequently ducks away a little bit so this seems like she’s softening a little bit.

I’ve noticed her attitude about walks has changed dramatically. Before Seamus’s passing, anytime you picked up the leash or looked like you were going out, she would run over on the off chance she’d come with you. In the past year, as walking got harder for him, Seamus would have to be coaxed and convinced to get up and come out for the late night walks. She would be dancing by our feet waiting for us while we did the “Seamus come here” routine. Now, after dinner, she’s done for the night. She’s happy for any walks during the day but once the sun goes down or the chill sets in, she’s a pumpkin. It’s strange.

Precious Moments

JB telling the story of their birth: “I didn’t want to come out! So I was a suckerhead and then there were sooooo many people and they were like, why don’t you want to come out?? And then I came out.”

This is not exactly what happened but we’ll go with that version.

*****

JB: “Mom, why are you over there?”
Me: “I just need a minute by myself.”
JB: “Oh. You don’t have to be alone if you don’t wanna.”
Me: “I know.” (I WANNA.)

*****

SA: *BLORP*
Me: Ayyyyyyyy
JB: Spit up?
Me: Yup.
JB: that’s just what babies do.
Me: yup.
SA: Siiiigh-ahhhhhhhhh.

*****

JB’s dramatic reenactment of their nightmare: We were eaten by a tiger! You and me were walking and you were carrying me but you were going SO SLOW. And then I saw the tiger’s shirt said “I love lunch” and I thought: oh no. This is going to be bad.

*****

Me to Smol: look around and use your observational skills.
JB: *sings* “Look around look around, look at how lucky we are to be alive right now!” They were SUPER lucky to be alive. Because if they were dead? Boom. Too bad.

*****

JB narrating laundry: Burp cloths, one pile. Socks and underwear, one pile. Smol’s clothes, one pile.
Me: Sounds like you have a system going on there.
JB: Yep I have an imaginary assistant here.

*****

JB: MOM MOM I can feel their heart beating!
Me: Good, I’m glad.
JB: Aren’t you excited? You didn’t even check!
Me: Well, it should be beating.
JB: Yeah it beats like, once every four months.
Me: ……

*****

Me: That took way too long.
JB: What did?
Me: I needed to check that what these people told me was done is done correctly.
JB: Why? Because people lie?
Me: Sometimes. Sometimes it’s because they’re lying, sometimes it’s just because they’re wrong and didn’t know it, but either way, whatever the reason, I need to make sure they did it correctly.
JB: That’s kind of like your job right now.
Me: It is.
JB: That’s good. But what’s important to me right now is that you’re safe.
Me: It’s important to me that we’re all safe.
JB: Yeah and making sure that police don’t SHOOT us. Because they’ve been acting bad. They’ve been acting like 3 year olds.
Me: They could really do better, yes.

*****

JB’s emergency prep:

– I’m sharpening these pencils for an emergency. But we should really pack a pencil sharpener.

– I’ve packed a set of stickers in case of emergency.

– I’ve made coloring sheets in case of emergency, so if we have an emergency, we have something to do.

What kind of emergency do they envision in which we require all the stationery supplies???

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