Is this a mid-career crisis?
July 27, 2021
Or is this just the pandemic? How can we even tell?
My current job pays decent money and I have the accommodations that I need. I’m treated with respect, my staff are treated with respect, and my voice is heard. I’m genuinely good at the work I do and the work does matter in the world, to some real extent. I don’t want to have to find a new job or make the compromises that I’ve had to make at every other job.
So this is a not-awesome thing to feel: I don’t want to work. I am so tired of making my life and energy fit around work. I also can’t help but wonder how much longer I can ride this wave with this job. I would need my bosses not to do anything stupid for the next ten years. That seems like a really long time to hope they don’t make any changes I hate.
A friend reminds me that having the kids off to school will likely change the landscape too, which could influence how I feel, and maybe that’s part of the pressure cooker feeling: I have to do ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME right now.
Maybe when daycare is back and school is in session and my daylight hours are mine again, maybe I won’t hate spending those hours working.
I want to do nothing useful for at least six months. Just read and eat and walk the dogs and sleep. Maybe even twelve months. Then I will want to do something that feels good to me, and something that makes money. Maybe it’d be nice if they were the same thing. But I have zero desire to go from a reasonably comfortable good fit job to entrepreneurship if we actually need the money to live. That’s too much pressure of a different kind. I’d like to have enough saved that I don’t have to compromise on our standard of living and make real money without depending on it. Is that too much to ask? (When you factor in the part where I have no idea what I’d want to do and I don’t want to do anything I’m really good at professionally because I don’t love any of those tasks…. Yes. Yes that is asking too much.)
Segue into thinking about planning for financial independence: number crunching is my attempt at stress relief but it’s just fake endorphin juicing. Diving into the spreadsheet burrow and inputting a series of equations to game out possibilities temporarily generates a sense of accomplishment, a sense that I’m doing something to get us closer to the nebulous goal in the future when we know that the crunching alone can only draw a roadmap. It can’t move the game pieces around. Then the hit wears off and I’m deflated again because I can only do what I’m already doing: earning W-2 income, be here for my family, spend judiciously, invest regularly. Try not to freak out about the stock market highs that seem outrageous and overvalued.
Sometime in the last three cycles last week, one new realization dawned on me.
We are currently careful with our money, though we do enjoy creature comforts, so we can save aggressively. We save aggressively so we’ll have plenty of money in the future, we hope, to live off of for as long as we need it (we hope). My simulations are based on quite high annual spending projections to, as best I can, ensure that when we choose to step away from our jobs, we have the freedom to keep spending if we want to or have to. I don’t want to go back to worrying about money. Except, if we’re being honest, I’m always thinking about money now so why would that change later when I have more time on my hands? It won’t. I love thinking about money.
I’ve been thinking about how many early-retired people caution others not to rush to early retirement and to enjoy the journey there. Carl of 1500Days recently said: “All of this money stuff is fun to think about, but the real goal is to enjoy life. If you’re so obsessed with winning the money game that you forget to enjoy life, you’ve lost. I know this from experience. If I had to do it over again, I would have gone slower. Hell, I might of actually still been working.”
I get the point. I haven’t forgotten to live today in pursuit of the far-off tomorrow like I once did. PiC and I spend money on things that make us comfortable (insulation!) and happy (cool stamps! special cheese!) and sane (childcare! again! someday!). I even dumped our rental because it was eating my sanity and happiness. We aim for an equal amount of removing alligators and adding kittens. We’re doing the best we can without sacrificing the important things of today. But I can’t help quietly fretting over our savings rate. It feels like we’re creeping along at a snail’s pace and it feels like we’re not going to get there “in time.” My health is improving with therapy and exercise and diet changes, but it’s still a vast gulf between where I am now and being healthy, free of constant pain and fatigue, with energy.
It feels like I’m not doing enough. It feels like there’s so much more I should be doing to grow this nest egg exponentially so that we don’t run out of good years and money to support those years. This year’s rash of losses underline the fact that while we ARE living today, we also don’t know how many more todays we have. I don’t want to spend the majority of them working, and I don’t want to run out of the freedom (aka money) to enjoy life today and tomorrow and next year. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope.
I’ve been a long time lurker but haven’t commented yet. We’re pretty similar on a lot of axis: kids around the same age (mine are almost 5 and almost 1), imigrant/1st gen background, reasonably stable job with decent conditions, financial projections as soothing mechanisms, the list goes on.
I’m right there with you on the job dissatisfaction, the raggedness, the feeling that we’re saving at a snail’s pace, and also wanting to make sure the present is not just deprivation.
However, there is one very significant difference between us: I do not have a chronic health condition. I am tired, ragged and needing a break because this pandemic has asked the impossible from us. There is not enough energy in any one single person (or couple) to care about a job that would replace us in the blink of an eye if necessary, when we’re fighting for our family’s sustained survival. Adding on top of all that the management of a health condition that messes up your energy levels, is absolutely incredible.
So I just wanted to remind you that it’s amazing you’ve made it this far without falling apart (I know that sometimes it feels like that’s not even an option but it’s amazing regardless). And you help me keep going on my tough days too, so you’re inspirational as well!
It is so kind of you to come out and comment on this post, thank you!
I very much appreciate the perspective from outside my own head, and it helps me see that maybe a lot of this truly is because the pandemic has ground on so long it’s become our “normal” but in no way is it actually normal. It’s so easy for the weight of the burden to keep crushing us even while we internalize the new totally unhealthy baseline.
My heart really goes out to you, because this looks a heck of a lot like burnout to me. And I know in that situation, it’s really tempting to try and figure out how to retire as soon as possible and keep the pressure on – but it’s not sustainable for as long as it’ll take. Been there, done that, got the long-term health issues as a side-effect.
My advice would be:
* Don’t do anything drastic until you have childcare back up and running. That will reduce your overall workload and give you more time to recover.
* Leave the entrepreneurship for a time when you no longer feel like you want to sleep for 6 months.
* You’ll have built up a lot of goodwill at work for all the good performance up until now. Use that as much as possible to get allowances. See if they’ll let you go part-time, or 80 percent time if they don’t do standard part-time. If not, slack as much as you can get away with. Become comfortable with not giving it your all.
* Accept help from your spouse without feeling guilty about it. Focus on staying healthy enough that you don’t end up getting signed off work for a month or more.
Good luck!
Thank you for the perspective. I honestly couldn’t parse if the problem was my attitude or something bigger.
It’s so true that the temptation is there to put on the pressure to make it over the finish line faster but it’s far enough away that even I have to accept that is the totally unsustainable option.
Those are all good suggestions, I’m keeping a list of reminders of longer term sustainable actions to keep in mind.
You sound really burned out. Would your work be willing to accommodate a sabbatical? How is PiC doing / would they be willing to take on some more for a period of time so you can take some things off your shoulders? Hopefully getting the kids back to school will help too.
I think the other thing you can try is just to figure out what is taking up your time, prioritize them, and actively drop some things at the bottom of your list to get back some you-time. Before I left my old job (before I told people I was leaving), I started actively dropping tasks, making more space for myself to breathe. It made things a lot more manageable and I’m pretty sure I’d earned enough good will that I could’ve stayed with that lighter load and nobody would have criticized me for it.
They likely won’t be able to support a paid sabbatical but I don’t feel like I could do that to my team, either.
I think I need to create more space for myself, and also be willing to embrace the return of childcare and work with that even with my very real concerns about the variants on the rise.
We’ve hit a new financial stage over this past year and TBH I’m floundering a bit. After 12 years of very tightly budgeted “Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without” frugal living, 2021 has been our highest-income year EVER by a significant margin. (Actual rich people would think we still make chump change but hey for us it’s lavish.) But I actually feel more nervous now, not less, because What If I Screw This Up? What if I Scrooge McDuck it when I should spend more to make us more comfortable? Or what if I spend wastefully when I should be saving extra to cover every single possible What If? DOOOOOOOOOM!!!! >_<
This past Covid year has been burnout central and the fact that you & PiC have made it through without complete nervous breakdowns is a shining example of dogged determination and teamwork. So feeling like you want to do nothing at all for 6+ months would sound completely reasonable from that alone. But in the long run… well you know your skills and situation far better than your readers do, but IMO it sounds like your current job is slightly less "awesome" and more just "not as abusive". When you can't even take a few days off without things backlogging, when you have to take a running headstart just to get through the week without working late on Friday – it sounds like they're relying on you more than is healthy. Health issues are always an unpredictable gamble, but perhaps a lower-paying less-stressful job that allows you to achieve a healthier life would be a worthwhile investment because it has a significant chance of increasing how long you'll be functional enough to work. I love reading Ask A Manager posts; maybe they could be helpful? They have a lot of archived posts about topics like How to tell when you're D-O-N-E, How to Find a Better-fitting Job, and How to Set Boundaries at your job to Reduce Dysfunction.
Oh goodness I totally understand that floundering feeling. When I hit milestone income targets, I was over the moon about hitting the number but was afraid to truly acknowledge it because what if I get used to this and lose it? Or what if what if what if…
I think it’s such a process to find the happy medium when you’ve reached a significantly high income level for a first time.
I don’t sing the praises of my employer because it’s just a job and I have no desire to put myself back in a workaholic mindset but I should probably be a little more fair about the fact that I do a lot of work on some weekends because of all the flexibility I have. I take advantage of that A LOT so I’m tending to the kids and my family stuff half the work day a lot of weeks. At some point, I have to make that work up somewhere. Same goes for PiC, he and I work as a team with parenting and we both push work into other hours of the day and week. So in general, it’s less about taking a headstart and more about actually getting the work done eventually after I’ve prioritized my family above work. That does probably contribute to my overall burnout because I’m always on for SOMETHING somewhere.
I think it’s also telling that I have no actual objections to my work. I just don’t want to work. There is no skill I feel like exercising elsewhere under better conditions. I see job descriptions and I just don’t wanna. While there’s always some bit of my job I find eyerolling this or that week, I have all the hallmarks of what I would want out of a job: I set my hours, my daily targets, I answer to almost no one, I run my division as I see fit, management generally listens to my recommendations when I make them, and I don’t have to talk to people most of the time. At a minimum I would want any other job to have all those, plus the money.
I don’t know details of your job situation, but I think everyone would be hard-pressed to find a full time job that fit comfortably into a situation where you and PiC alone are also responsible for two small humans, one of them exceptionally needy of hands-on care (and who has impacted your sleep), the other probably in need of great emotional/social attention from you. This isn’t to say whether or not your job is dysfunctional or the right fit, it is just that the situation is not a good one for parents, and to me, it felt like an entirely unsolvable problem. It may seem “normal” because you have been doing it for 18 months (and also did it when JB was a baby, but at least there was only one JB!). When I got out of my burnout phase and had time to reflect, I wished that I would have just bowed out, taken unpaid (or paid if available) leave, and not tried to do everything – even though we did that for a MUCH shorter amount of time than you have been.
Can you take some time off, or reduced time, as others suggest? Or is that not really quite what you are getting at? There is obviously some immediate burn out, but it seems like this is all a bit larger than that issue.
I do feel similarly, in general (minus the health factor). It has gone in waves, but I’m more un-motivated than motivated lately. But also not in a super high pressure moment in my job, which helps (and also hurts because I need to rely on my own motivation). I’m pretty much convinced that I can’t find a better job in terms of fit, pay, commute, lifestyle, etc. etc. so at least that question is settled. (I probably could get paid more elsewhere, but it would not be worth the sacrifice)
Your and other’s comments are shedding light on the fact that I’ve mentally normalized the situation where we are doing two full time jobs each, plus our household management. Wrong baseline!
There’s definitely some burnout and I don’t know if it’s more than that or that plus general malaise or a creeping depression because like you, the fit / pay / commute / lifestyle of this particular job is correct. It’s just me lacking the desire to show up more and more which probably stems from never being able to turn off ever.
I’d like to revisit at the end of the year once we have childcare, if we have childcare, and see if I still feel so apathetic.
I love all the supportive comments above, and echo many of their sentiments. It sounds like the level of work responsibility you shoulder is enough for 2 or 3 full-time employees. If that is true, it will be hard for you to get out from under that mountain without making a drastic move. Remember: just because this employer is better than others you’ve had, doesn’t mean you can’t find one equally middling.
I have a tiny fraction of the life stuff you do and I am fighting an almost overpowering urge to take a chunk of time off. I have a friend who is in the middle of a time out and I want to sit down and have a frank talk with her about what her support system/financial situation is/how she made this make sense. I think what I really need to do is figure out what would make it okay in my head to quit without anything lined up.
In my case I’ve saved enough for retirement that I can let it ride and I’ll be okay in my 60s. I have enough money in the bank to take a year off. I’m concerned about health care and finding a new job that pays as well as my current one, but I have a recognizable job title, am good at what I do, and have a decent network. It’s even possible I could separate from my company on good terms and come back if I didn’t find anything that spoke to me more. My company is a good one, I’m just tired of working right now.
So: you are not alone!
Also: You and PIC have done such an admirable job getting to this point. It’s okay to acknowledge that it can’t go on like this. I hope you find some way to make some choices that impact your daily life soon.
Hah I’m sure I can find a lot worse or equally middling though in my particular industry, I do wonder if I’d get the money and autonomy I already have. I think having some space would give me a chance to figure out how to remold some of the work into something better. They will listen to me if I bring those ideas to them. I just haven’t felt like doing that heavy thinking amidst this pandemic and parenting chaos.
I hope that you can figure out what would make it ok in your head because I have a dear friend who made that decision recently and is taking the leap and I’m so excited for her.
Healthcare is the pickle I can’t figure out myself, so please feel free to come back and share what you turn up if you do manage to figure out a path there.
If you read A Purple Life, though she had absolutely no intention of ever taking them up on it, I know she was offered the opportunity to come back to her ex company or to work with them on a consultant basis. That does make me wonder if I want a temporary sabbatical type break for a couple years or if I just want to be done when I’m done. Typically my personality leans toward the latter.
I feel in good company, either way! I hope that lifting some of the burdens of the pandemic will shift the needle for me.
I was listening to a podcast last night in which a woman joking-not-really said that the job she really wanted to quit or renegotiate was the mom/wife one.
I have no desire to stop working or to switch what I do for a living, not really. And I don’t want my family gone, either. But it is all so very grinding. At the moment, I wouldn’t mind a 6-month vacation from my entire life.
You’re truly not alone.
A six month vacation from life sounds absolutely perfect. I don’t want to quit either of my jobs right now, truly, not when I still need the money from one and I actually do love my family on the other. But a real break from all of it must surely be so refreshing.
I can dream!
And if not for me, maybe for you!
Echo everything said above.
I feel similar – and our Covid experience hasn’t even come close to what you have gone through in the US. It’s just a horrendous time. I know how hard it’s been to find a job that can fit your life and needs, and I’m hoping that the frustrations either improve, or that this opens up something new and better for you soon.
Thank you!
I suspect being entirely and utterly disillusioned with the entire country and even the world is playing some role in my malaise. Between COVID, our losses, the way politics are running here in the US and climate change, I have lost every shred of faith in humanity. And who wants to work when the world is gone to pot??