August 19, 2019
Parental Perspective
Whatever our challenges, I keep reminding myself that we really only have a limited window of time to teach JB.
Sooner than we think, ze is going to be exercising independent thought (for good or ill) and making zir own choices.
On that note …
You be you, and I’ll be me, and that’s the way we’re meant to be
There’s this song the kids sing that cracks me up with their earnestness but it makes a great point, especially for parents.
I catch myself, every so often, imposing my fears and worries on zir. Next fall, we’ll be facing kindergarten. In order, I hate change, hated going to new schools, hated meeting new people. So of course, I find myself worrying about zir transition, adjusting to the new school, to new people, to new routines and I have to catch myself. That’s me and my worry. Ze isn’t me and is so different, my worries aren’t zir worries. So then I take a step back and push away all those preconceptions so I can see and hear what ze really cares about. (more…)
July 22, 2019
Prognostications
There’s this thing my family does. When a new baby is just big enough to sit up and grab things, there’s an age ceremony where they’re all dressed up and given a tray of symbolic things to choose from: a comb, a mirror, a wrapped chunk of mung bean dessert, a pen, several other things. Whatever they grab and hold onto predicts their future interests and life path.
Obviously this is a bunch of hooey but it’s a fun little tradition. We didn’t do it for JB because at 3 months or whatever the appropriate time was, I was too exhausted to even think about it.
But the sociocultural obsession with your future life path is one that dogs our steps every step of the way. A kid with an interest in writing Must Be Destined to be a writer, if someone enjoys art they Must Be Destined to be an artist or no! An architect! And so on. There’s no ability to just enjoy the kid enjoying something for the sake of doing the thing. I remembered being exasperated by the constant predictions and the need for every spark of interest to become something productive. It bothered me endlessly and yet somehow I eventually became a person obsessed with efficiency and productivity. I don’t understand paying money to have fun, I think hobbies should be things that can be monetized (for myself).
As an intentional parent, I see that urge replicated in myself and I challenge myself to shut that voice up and just wait to see what kind of person JB can be, free of the endless predictions and expectations.
(more…)
June 24, 2019
It’s my turn!
I didn’t take it personally when JB so clearly preferred PiC to me as the vastly superior parent. It’s the kind of thing that goes in cycles. I’d have my turn eventually.
I think this is it. After four short years, I think I’m finally up to bat and it’s very weird. I’m not used to being picked for the team – ever. I’ve gotten accustomed to assuming that even though I answer all the nightmare calls and administer the medicine and tough love and teach essential life skills, when it’s time for a hug or hanging out or you just want a parent, PiC’s the guy. I’m the person who keeps you alive, not the one you want to hang out with.
But now I’m up to bat and I’m making the best of it even as part of my brain goes, huh? Don’t you mean “Dad!” right now?
All I want from my child…
… is for zir to be a good person who we can love and cherish, and who loves us in turn, in a healthy and self aware kind of way.
Is that too much to ask? I really hope not but you never know.
Backwards wiring in internal clocks
Almost every week day is a struggle to get JB up and going. We’ve tried a dozen tactics and some of them work some of the time. But come the weekend, at 6:30 when my body is just hitting that delicious REM sleep: I’M AWAKE!!!.
I don’t like it.
Is this the silly side?
JB does this thing where ze likes to ham it up, then crosses the line over from silly, zips past super silly, straight to forced-awkward-and-even-sounds-painful laugh trying to coerce a laugh from your audience zone and it’s not at all funny. I don’t know what to do with it because that’s a part of childhood I never participated in, nor enjoyed watching in my own peers, and it just brings out the irritability in me. It’s not objectively funny, it’s just awkward. It gets under my skin far more than it should because it reminds me of my sibling’s manipulations when we were younger – he wanted to control how I felt and how I thought and forcing me to laugh was one of his methods.
I know zir goal is just to get a laugh but ze is nowhere near it … what does a parent do in this situation??
Precious Moments
I was musing to PiC that at least half my accomplishments as a child were motivated by spite. People would tell me I was too small, too weak, too frail to do any physical sports or even learn to play particular instruments. I never did pick up guitar but I did get pretty good at running a race and learning to fight.
JB overheard and chimed in: “das not nice! But you don’t have to listen to dem. You can do whatever you want!”
I agree. Just because someone says you’re not capable of something doesn’t mean you have to believe them.
Clearly my lessons on paying attention to animal body language have taken root.
JB: if my bunny’s ears are down, it means it’s sad. If the ears are up, it means the mommy is home. If the ears are sideways, it means it’s going to flyyyyy awayyyyyy.
My bunny is sad. Her mom died. Bad guys caught bunny’s mom.
In the hotel pool
JB: Daddy, now be a shark and swim back!
PiC complies and ze jumps out of the pool yelling: IT’S A SHARK!
PiC, confused: But you *told* me to be a shark.
Me: And then you were. When you see a shark, you GTFO of the water – pretend or not! I endorse this instinct.
Facts
JB: You were supposed to drive me to school but Daddy drove me to school instead n dat’s not right.
Me: Daddy and I both drove you to school.
JB *checks the passenger seat*: No, there is no wheel there so you did not drive.
How I know JB *is* listening (all other evidence to the contrary) aka when ze turns my words on me.
JB: I fixed this! *waves toy toaster*
Me: Good job! Is that toast in there?
JB: Yes I’m making toast for you.
Me: Could I have pretend jam on my pretend toast?
JB: Yes but you have to have peanut butter and jam because JUST jam is not good for you.
JB comes into the kitchen, looks at me with disapproval, capping a pen I’ve left uncapped since the day before: you’re going to let this dry out, Mommy.
JB pops into my unlit office, flips on the light: MOMMY! Dark is not good for your eyes!
May 13, 2019
Sleep hiccups
JB has been having sporadic nightmares last and this month. It’s been frequent enough that ze has started asking us to sleep with zir because ze doesn’t want to be alone. Ze doesn’t have trouble falling asleep when left alone but there have been quite a few nights when I hear zir calling for one of us (mostly Daddy) because of some disturbance. I reassured zir firmly that I used to have lots of nightmares too when I was little and my parents never came to me because they were too tired, but I understand that nightmares can be scary and will always come if ze calls. (I was too afraid to call them because they were tired but that’s more detail than ze needs.)
I’m pretty sure some of it is fear driven but some of it is a touch of the dramatic. 2 minutes after PiC turned off the lights we heard: Mooommmmyyyyyy I’m having a nightmare!
My child, you have to be asleep to have a nightmare!
(more…)
April 29, 2019
An acquaintance told me that she had a rule for her kids and their birthdays: up til age 3, they had a party. After that, the kids had the choice of a party or taking a trip together. The end result is they’ve been on a LOT of trips, and dodged the hosting a party bullet many times. I envy them a little, as my bones ache in the aftermath of this party.
We have celebrated with JB very quietly the past three years. We had a casual lunch with all our friends the first year, a home cooked dinner with family the second, and the third last was a park date with zir best friend followed up with a happy hour lunch. Each one was low key and most importantly, easy.
Since then, ze has been invited to over a dozen birthday parties which firmly planted the seed that zir birthday could mean, no, MUST mean, A PARTY. As a result, everything for the past 12 months has been about what ze wants for zir party. We don’t typically cater to our child’s whims but several stars aligned in zir favor: PiC wanted to do one, ze has been with these classmates for a really long time, and my favorite relative wanted to lend a hand. We decided it could be a one time thing and we worked on economizing! There was nothing saying we couldn’t do this on the cheap. Was there? (Foreshadowing voice: FOOLS.)
We did off the cuff research as we discussed whether or not this was really happening – at birthday parties for other kids, we evaluated the service, the cleanliness and fun level of each place, the prices. JB was evaluating too. Every party we left, ze piped up: I want to have my party here, please! Discernment, ze has none.
Venues range from $165-$600. ($600!?!?)
We prefer doing park birthdays which seem way more relaxed BUT they’re actually a ton of work. You have to bring everything: food, drinks, place settings, chafing dishes if you have warm food, coolers and ice if you need cold stuff, tableclothes, decorations. This time of the year, you run a real risk of getting rained out. One forward thinking set of parents brought tents and canopies for their kid’s party in case the rainstorm of the week stuck around for their day. Luckily the skies were clear for their event but helping them pack their two cars was a 5.5 person job. Also, why do people not listen when you say gifts are not necessary? They clearly stated “no gifts” and had to pack 20 gifts into their brimming over cars. We gave them the gift of no physical gift and helped them set up and clean up. (I vote that our gift was the most valuable!)
We wanted to have less work and less crap to haul so we picked the cheapest possible indoor venue. The cost should have been as low as we could get it except we expected 20% of the invitees to decline and only 8% did. Even the kid who never goes to any of the birthdays ever said yes. What the heck?? Um, “luckily” a few kids cancelled at the last minute so we had exactly our limit of attendees. Honestly if they hadn’t cancelled, I don’t think we would have had room for them. The party room was MUCH smaller than I expected.
The hour-long activity was really well organized. The two instructors kept things moving right along and the kids were all engaged and relaxed. PiC got to watch and photograph more of it than I did, I was somehow dubbed the “get people to sign their waivers” person so I had to watch the door for stragglers and get them set up.
Total: $235+ $40 tip
Food is typically pizza plus cake.
I was sick and tired of pizza at kid parties. I was going to be different – we were going to have good food! Then I saw how much it would cost to feed 21 kids and 25 adults. Quotes were coming in around $300. Holy crap, nope, immediate backpedaling!
Since I can’t cook in large enough quantities to feed that many people cheaply and well, we ended up with pizza and a platter of catered sandwiches after all. Oops.
We did make our own dessert using a delicious easy recipe. Totally unhealthy but delicious – tiny lemon cupcakes. They’re glazed and in tiny portions so two or three of our cupcakes is still less sugar than your standard store bought cupcake with four inches of frosting. (That’s disappointing to the frosting eaters among the children, namely, JB.) PiC insisted on having a small cake for zir candles and decorated it beautifully.
Naturally the kids all rejected the delectable dainties because it wasn’t the “real” cake. I overheard one parent valiantly trying to convince her kid that these “really are cakes, and they’re DELICIOUS.” We should have seen that coming!
We had sandwiches left over to feed all of us for 4 days, too so that was a nice bonus. They were really good.
Cupcakes for 42 people, plus cake: $24
Pizza: $30
Sandwiches for adults: $50
Juice boxes for the kids: $7
Water bottles, left over from friend’s party: free
Sodas for adults: $10
Dessert platters, which we’ll use again when we host dinners: $25
Cake server because we’re adults now: $4
Foil pans with lids just in case we needed them: $5 (returned these, we didn’t need them)
Paper plates, plastic forks, napkins, leftover from previous events: free
Total: $150
Decorations can ran the gamut, depending on how fancy you get.
Most people have themed balloons, banners, and goodie bags. I used to think that was extravagant. Then we went to a party that was so over the top, we cringed all the way home over the waste. There was SO MUCH paper and plastic, and extravangantly expensive fondant cake that didn’t even taste good, that was thrown away. They had themed everything: goodie cups filled with toys, snack boxes to take home, stickers, custom made frosted cookies scattered all over the tables for the grabbing, and a costume for the birthday kid just for the party. Enough latex balloons for everyone but everyone scattered to the winds with their armloads of swag, leaving only the birthday family to take them home. So much was just left behind, and trashed, it made my heart hurt. Of course the kids were over the moon about it at the time, but they also promptly forgot about it.
We ran in the other direction. We planned to have, at most, a small bundle of balloons, a gold banner that we can use for many birthdays to come, and the venue’s standard tablecloths. We pulled out a set of disposable tablecloths we thriftily saved from PiC’s birthday a few years back just in case. (Disposable, hah!) We couldn’t get the balloons and didn’t need the banner since the venue had one left up already, so that was $21 saved. No one noticed our lack of decorations – the food and drinks and the birthday kid were all they needed.
Total: $0
Goodie bags, oh boy
I was thinking we’d do a stack of books but one of JB’s aunties wanted to contribute this to the party. I THOUGHT she was going to be restrained but… no. I think the kids loved it, it wasn’t a bunch of cheap plastic to throw out, but it was a lot more than we would have done on our own! JB wanted to hand them out personally, ze was so happy to have that thing to do.
Cost to us: $0.
Final out of pocket total: $425.
We’ve very clearly told JB that we’re not doing this again and of course it bounces off like ze is Teflon. Every other week, ze is doing research for zir next birthday and writing up new guest lists! Kids.
:: What is your favorite birthday tradition, for kids or adults?
April 15, 2019
Mismatching socks are a thing now
I don’t know which kid came up with this brainstorm but JB has been a huge fan of mixing up socks. I’m guessing this would bother some parents but I’m looking at the bright side – no need to bother matching up socks on laundry day, other than making sure that all pairs are complete.
Morning routines and bribery
There has been discontent in my heart having to shepherd JB from one morning task to the next. It’s the same dang thing every morning, why was it taking an HOUR to chivvy and scold zir from brushing teeth to using the toilet to getting dressed to breakfast and finally getting jacket, socks, and shoes on??
Ze has no problem getting these things done when motivated but ze is totally not motivated on school days. Sigh.
I’ve started adjusting some of my approach. Sometimes supportive, sometimes challenging, trying to take cues from the mood of the moody-sleepy child, and it’s slowly starting to be less frustrating.
Practice patience
We’ve been having some trouble with patience all around. PiC and JB, normally best buds, have been at loggerheads almost every day and we’ve had to have some venting sessions. I think we realize we’re both feeling the effects of our work stress, which uses up our limited willpower, and facing off with a contrary and sometimes melting down four year old is just not happening.
Between my weekly Good Things posts and being much more mindful of work stress spilling over into general irritability, I’ve been able to back down that feeling away from the edge. (more…)
March 13, 2019
The last two weeks leading up to this month I was teaching JB “3 and 11/12s” because someday we’re going to need to know fractions and this is an entertaining way to start.
Travel sized
I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, perhaps because I make JB try things the hard way rather than making it easier for zir, but our travel shampoo and conditioner bottles are the perfect size for small hands learning to wash their own hair! Ze has been learning how to do this for months but this is the first time that ze has consistently been wanting to do this particular task all by zirself, from start to finish. No matter how badly it’s done or how long it takes, I’m forcing myself to be patient and offer only verbal guidance because ze really should want to do this and the only way to learn to do something better is to actually do it. (more…)