February 13, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 3.11

The conversation that broke my heart

Checking in with JB’s preschool teacher, they told us that ze was really eager to share zir art with classmates, and oh, by the way, the kids did great in their lockdown drill. They were all really quiet, and they knew not to speak up or answer if someone came in calling for them. They were tested – someone came to the classroom and called out “[Class name!] Hi! Where are you?” and they were all quiet and hid.

JB chimed in: yeah, you don’t answer when someone comes in!

My heart broke into a million pieces and I wanted to set this country on fire. They are THREE to FIVE year olds, being tested so they stay quiet enough that in case of some entitled evil (probably domestic abuser because they usually are) guy coming in with a gun, maybe they won’t be murdered. All because this country won’t do anything about the domestic terrorists allowed to murder freely in schools, churches, synagogues and public spaces.

Learning to give

I sat JB down one day to explain why I was so preoccupied over the holidays. It kind of worked but it also kind of didn’t: “You know how you always have food to eat, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and snacks? (*ze nods*) And how you always have clothes to wear? And how we have a safe warm home to live in together? (*ze nods*) And around the holidays, mommy daddy give you some books? And grandma and grandpa will give you a toy and some clothes? (But just one toy!) Yes, just one. Some kids and families don’t have that. Some families don’t have enough money to buy food and clothes, so they didn’t have money to spend on gifts.”
JB lit up: Then WE can give them!
Me: Yes exactly! Mommy and Auntie Crystal put some money together and we told our friends, who gave us some money to help, and we bought presents for a lot of kids and warm clothes for some families.
JB: I want to give Bestie one of my toys.
Me: Ok, that’s sweet. Your bestie does have a LOT of toys though ….. maybe we should think of people who don’t have so many.

(more…)

January 23, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 3.10

Filling dat bucket

The kids spent a long while learning about the idea of filling someone’s bucket emotionally and JB spent weeks asking for validation when ze would do something positive: Momma, am I fillin your bucket? Momma, I am doing great listening, does that fill your bucket?

It’s unclear whether ze quite gets the concept but ze spent a lot of time trying to suss out whether what ze was doing was a bucket filler or not.

Daycare bullies

I wrote about this kid, dubbed Jerkface, early on when I was exasperated at the havoc he wreaked as a 2-3 year old and my opinion hasn’t changed now that he’s five except for the worse. I felt bad for judging in the past but now that we’ve had to share a classroom with him for over a year I just have exasperation. To all appearances he’s not struggling with LD or ED, they’re very open about when kids need accommodations and that’s not the case here. He’s kind of like the Haley.

What I’ve observed is that while he does have high spirits just like most of the kids there, the big difference is that he is also allowed to act in completely unacceptable ways: hitting and kicking his parents, even spitting on one memorable occasion, and those behaviors pass without comment. What follows from that is what I observed in my young cousins with negligent parents: He’s taken swings at me and PiC, trying to hit or kick us any time we’re near him, knocking books out of PiC’s hands, trying to kick a chair at me because I was listening to their teacher instead of paying attention to him. One of the teachers we’ve become good personal friends with confirmed that she’s observed the parents being totally irresponsible and negligent, consistently allowing this behavior between his siblings as well. (more…)

December 17, 2018

My kid and notes from Year 3.9

Reading fairy tales and life lessons

I want JB to think about what we read, so as much as I can, when we’re reading stories that don’t necessarily have the kind of message I want zir to take away, we ask a lot of questions.

For example, a Disney book from Grandma had a story about Snow White and Prince Charming. Prince Charming wants to give Snow the perfect gift to show his love. I ask: Do we need to buy people fancy or expensive things to show them that we love them? (No.) Do hugs and kisses and telling you “I love you” work to show that we love you very much? (Yes.)

Honestly I’m not sure how much critical thinking is happening here but we are doing our best to nudge it into blooming.

Screen time

We still limit screen time to the weekends only and in fact, just after dinner on the weekend when I’m not so exhausted all day that I have to lean on the tv for a break.  Now that ze can entertain zirself in hours of play, we can limit the viewing to just a few hours a weekend total spread out across a few days, if that much. We do strictly limit it to shows that JB can handle. Ze is not allowed to watch Coco anymore despite how much we all love the music and beautiful art because ze mimics Miguel’s rebellion and talking back and we can’t have that 8 year old back talk at age 3. We love Hilda on Netflix right now, it feels very Swedish though it isn’t, and zir Uncle recently said that he and Auntie were enjoying My Little Pony lately so we gave that a try. (more…)

November 14, 2018

My kid and notes from Year 3.8

Multi-lingual family (kinda)

I’ve been determined to pass on our respective languages to JB but it’s been tough because ze has struggled with enunciation for a long time. We limited our exposure to different languages to help zir focus but the “failure” to pass it on in this critical time period when ze can absorb language like a sponge sits heavy in my stomach.

I just about jumped for joy the other day when JB spontaneously piped up with the (wrong) color in Second Language even though I didn’t actually understand the first three times until PiC suggested ze might not be gibbering English but rather trying to speak Second Language.

Chronic illness makes no sense

I have to explain why I can’t do things for JB sometimes, like when I’m in too much pain to do piggybank rides or carry zir, and ze really tries to understand. Sometimes it’s too vague, though, and the explanation that my fingers are swollen so I can’t use a particular utensil stretches the limitations of zir understanding: You mean a bug bite you?? Das why your finger swolled up?
Swelled up. No, sometimes my body hurts and it swells up, it’s not a bug bite.
But if a bug bites you, then you get swellened!
Yes, but that’s not the only reason something might get swollen. This time it wasn’t a bug bite.
A bug bit you!

Noo….. that’s not what happened.

I can’t help but laugh because this condition makes no more sense than that to us adults, either. Random parts of me hurt all the time and for no apparent reason. Might as well be a mysterious bug bite!

Portion control, appetite and satiety

We’re working with JB on the concept of eating at moderate speeds, taking time after finishing salad, pasta, rice, and fruit to let your tummy catch up to the reality of the food you’ve eaten. Ze doesn’t quite believe me that it’s important to stop eating if you’ve barreled through a whole meal and wait ten minutes before deciding you’re starving and need second dinner.

We’re also talking about the concept of NOT using food for comfort but rather seeking comfort in hugs or humor and other intangibles, though PiC thinks that’s too advanced for this age. (It might be.)

Can I help?

YES. The answer is always yes.

I notice that we have a tendency to put JB off when we’re in a hurry because it’s easier if we just do it all ourselves. BUT those are learning opportunities – both for zir to learn the actual skill of whatever we’re doing be it cooking or changing out brake lights, but also to learn that chores are a thing we do with willingness and happily in this household. We all pull our weight around here and that’s something that ze will only develop if we actively encourage zir when ze expresses interest in doing those things with us.

New lessons and skills

See previous months for zir current responsibilities.

JB already knew how to do all these disparate tasks but it really came together this month: ze comes home and puts away socks and shoes, washes up, offers to help me make dinner if it’s not ready (ze gets to mix sauces and cut up cucumbers, beets, tofu, spam, and other relatively soft items), gives the dogs their medications (with some direction), carrots, and late night treats. It’s gotten so that I only have to prompt a little bit and ze takes care of the whole thing.

When we came home from travel, ze helped me unpack the laundry, load the washing machine, unpack and put away all the toiletries and various papers and electronics. I’m rather impressed, honestly.

Precious Moments

Throwback a few months
JB: Maybe Baby V can come and I will put this on her (bib).
Us: Maybe!
JB: But I cannot pinch her body (with the button closure) otherwise she will CRY.
Us: Yes, because that would hurt.
JB: Maybe her mommy and daddy will come too and they will say haaahehehheheheheheheh
Us: Why… Would they laugh maniacally?

JB: I want MOMMY to read to me.
Me: that’s weird.

30 minutes later I figure it out. It’s because PiC doesn’t know all the names of the characters in Night Night Groot.

I try on a new shirt, dubiously.

JB: I love that shirt!
Me: why?
JB: Because I love you.
Me: oh, so you love the shirt because I’m wearing it?
JB: yes. I love all the shirts dat you wear.

Our conversations always take a weird turn

JB: Do we have a backpack?
Me: Yes, we have your backpack and daddy’s backpack.
JB: And yours!
Me: No, we’re only bringing one adult and one kid backpack
JB: Why?
Me: We only bring what we need and we don’t need more than one adult backpack.
JB: Oh. Yeah we don’t need TWO adult backpacks.
Me: Right.
JB: And I’m 3.5.
Me: What? …. Yes.

Pretend and pivot

JB: OH NO A DINOSAUR!!!
Me: Where??
JB: No no I jus puh-TENDING there’s a dinosaur! And it’s chasing us!
Little cousin: no no! No! I don’t want it!
JB: It’s ok! It’s a NAICE dinosaur. It’s walking behind us and is not spitting blood, so it’s ok! (me and PiC *raised eyebrows*)
Little cousin: No! Das scary!
JB: It’s FRIENDLY! It eats plants so it won’t die.
Me: Maybe we should pretend it’s something else?
JB: YES! It a horsie!! Ok cuz? A horsie and it eats plants. Look, it can eat ALL DOSE PLANTS and dey will die.
Little cousin: Yah!
Me: *shrug*

Thumb war

I taught JB about thumb war a few months back and this kid is a CHEATER.

October 10, 2018

My kid and notes from Year 3.7

Feeding the book hunger

It was perhaps the one thing Mom never understood about me and even somewhat feared in me. She once asked me not to get “too involved”. There’s no doubt it’s led me to make foolish choices, and was the driving force behind my first not wholly honest transaction when I dipped into the coin dish without asking permission or forgiveness to fish out quarters to buy a book from a classmate in first grade. I would have gotten away with it entirely too if it hadn’t been for a teacher telling my parents at parent teacher conference time. I loved books more than food or sleep and honesty, drilled in me deeply, was only forgotten once in my sheer madness for books. Mom never understood it and she probably wouldn’t understand why I foster this love in her grandchild. PiC doesn’t have the book hunger either but he willingly goes along with feeding the flame, reading JB’s current favorites night after night after unforgiving night.

I know JB isn’t here to be our second act and I’m not trying to imprint a clone of either of us but of all things ze could have from me, let it be my love of reading and love of money management. One will feed zir mind and comfort zir soul, the other will help keep those together with a nourished body.

It will of course then likely be the source of many sleepless nights as ze will likely choose to read until four in the morning given the chance but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Even with the memory of the sheet scorched 28 years ago when I unwisely draped it over a naked bulb to hide the light from my parents. I’m the reason we shouldn’t have nice things.

New lessons and skills

See previous months for zir current responsibilities.

I taught JB how to wash zir own hair months ago, but then the skill just sort of laid there, unused. I wondered about it but kept my mouth shut and carried on washing zir hair as usual. There was the usual amount of manipulation in that “as usual”. Grouchy JB would gripe and moan about not being ready to have zir hair washed the second I started washing it. On good days, I would just agree and say, ok then if you’re not ready, rinse the soap out!  I wonder when ze is going to realize that by the time ze rinses out the shampoo and realizes I’ve put in the conditioner, we’re already 3/4 of the way there and I’ve tricked zir. On bad days, we’d fuss at each other and my cleverness would be out the window. But the hair would still be washed, by me.

Out of the blue, ze started taking down the bottle of shampoo intending to wash zir own hair. I just made some suggestions on how a smol person might more easily pour shampoo from a large 30 ounce bottle into one’s hand and stood back. Ze took the initiative to lather up. It wasn’t thorough at all but I didn’t criticize, preferring to let zir make it a habit more than caring about it being done well.

The defiance is strong in this one

I don’t know if I documented all of our fights but this one by Elon James is 1000% characteristic of those days of defiance. They aren’t over, either.

Ze was being out and out rude the other day as we prepared for bed, then threw zir toothbrush at me. Ze didn’t have the gall to throw it so that it connected – I think we’ve established that that triggers the nuclear option. But it was definitely at me. And we do not throw things as an act of anger in this household. You’re allowed to beat up a pillow – you’re allowed to punch and kick a pillow if it’s time to Hulk out. But throwing things is not allowed.

I looked zir right in the eye, looked at the toothbrush (which was at the end of the 6 month span anyway), and tossed it with toothpaste smear and all right in the trash. Zir bestie has gotten that before. But we’ve only had to threaten it before.

Now, I don’t believe in bluffing so I choose my threats carefully. I have to follow through on them, every single time, if JB doesn’t get zir act together. But there was a moment of petty satisfaction when ze realized that if the rules are clear already, as in I’ve already said that you forfeit your belongings when you throw them, ze doesn’t merit a warning when ze is pushing the boundaries. It’s just going to happen.

There were so many tears. But then ze straightened up and stopped being QUITE so defiant. For about ten minutes.

Make better choices!

Speaking of discipline, I’ve been working really hard on keeping my cool when JB is openly antagonistic, defiant, and sulky. REALLY hard. So instead of raising my voice, I lower it. I breathe deeply to oxygenate my brain (and incidentally as a big red flag for zir that ze has left DefCon 5 and the numbers are now ticking downward).

We almost always give zir a chance to correct the behavior unless ze has slapped, kicked, bitten, pinched, hit, or otherwise physically harmed someone. The chance is generally: Should you be [doing the bad thing] or should you make a better choice?

If ze hasn’t gone to another world in zir head, rage world, then ze will stop to think and choose “make a better choice”.

So petty. SO SO PETTY.

JB: I don’t LIKE your turtles.
Me: Ok.
JB: I DON’T like your TURTLES.
Me: I didn’t ask you to like them.
JB: I don’t like my UNDERWEAR
Me: Ok.
JB: I DON’T LIKE MY UNDERWEAR.
Me: Ok. Maybe you can like them tomorrow.
JB: NO I’m not going to like them EVERY DAY.
Me: Ok, wear diapers then.
JB: I WANT DIAPERS.

JB: Can I have a yogurt?
Me: Yes, but only after I take a bite.
JB: Why?
Me: Tax.
JB: WAT.

September 19, 2018

My kid and notes from Year 3.6

Halfway to four

How did we survive 3 and a half years? Whew. What a journey this has been. I like JB a whole lot and there are a lot of days I don’t enjoy zir company so very much because it’s so frustrating just getting shoes on zir feet every morning why does this have to be an argument every single morning –
but I guess we’ll keep zir.

Hands on your belly!

Kitchen safety is harder to teach to an antsy 3 year old than I expected. I want JB to help and to encourage that zest for helping but also don’t want zir to catch on fire or slice off a finger, so instead of saying “Don’t touch X” which never ever ever EVER works, we do “hands on your belly!”

When we’re standing next to the stove together, giving zir wandering hands a docking station of BELLY! is the only thing that prevents zir from dipping hands into boiling water to fish out that one floating dumping, or stirring the pasta prematurely, or grabbing the pot handle and upending its contents all over both of us. (more…)

August 15, 2018

My kid and notes from Year 3.5

Looking Backward

Now that this particular transition is in the rearview mirror, I can breathe easy and be ever so grateful that we never had any trouble with reflux or transitioning JB from bottles to sippy cups to regular cups. (Ze still wanted zir sippy as recently as two months ago but just for fun, because rummaging through the cabinets gives zir nostalgia like it gives me, and has wholeheartedly embraced the late-introduced camelbak.)

A cousin is struggling with their kid’s transition away from bottles. They’re going on three and still refuses milk in anything but bottles and that reminded me that at least on that point, we were incredibly lucky. When I gave JB zir first couple of sippies just to play with around a year, ze chewed up the spout enthusiastically, then THERE IS WATER IN HERE. WHOA!

At around 14 months, I decided that traveling with bottles again sounded awful, so we were ditching the bottles. We started giving only water in bottles, and milk in sippies, then I started giving only water in sippies before naps because we were supposed to avoid teeth rotting from having milk before sleeping. Picky though ze was about many other things, this was a non issue. Within a week, the bottles were phased out entirely and the next time I heard a peep about bottles was when ze discovered the bottles stashed in the closet a year later and was Extremely Curious about what they were and why they were stashed. Thank goodness we had that bit easy.

(more…)