December 11, 2007
I came home from work, mentally exhausted and still sick yesterday, to find my mom looking like a pufferfish. No, she hadn’t eaten one, she just looked like one. Apparently she was having some crazy allergic reaction to some hair dye or some such thing and had been swelling up and itching all day.
*shaking head*
You’d THINK they’d tell me earlier in the day. No, of course not, she just suffered all day and was wild with discomfort and actual pain by the time I got home.
$5 worth of diphenhydramine and three hours later, she was sleepy and no longer itching like mad. Diphenhydramine was what we used to give at the clinic, in injection form, to doggies with beestings and other random allergic reactions. The doggies would come in, fat-faced and miserable, and get a couple of shots to relieve the swelling and itchiness. It’s Benadryl, basically. I just didn’t bother to pay double the money for brand name Benadryl because the store brand stuff is exactly the same.
There’s not much you can do with that sort of allergic reaction if you don’t know what caused it, but I sent her and Pa off to the emergency room anyway in case there was something else wrong.
It turns out that she’d gotten an infection from scratching, so they have to pick up a prescription for an antibiotic today.
Lessons for the day:
If you’re swelling up, itchy and can’t think of any reason why, I don’t necessarily recommend self-medicating, but DON’T WAIT to get some help!!
If she’d told me earlier, we would have tried the diphenhydramine in the morning, she wouldn’t have been so miserable all day, and we would have saved the money on antibiotics as well as several hours in the emergency room in the middle of the night.
Selfish as it may sound: I honestly cannot take any more drama. Especially any more hospital or health related drama. Please take care of yourselves, everyone, and we can return to our regularly scheduled, drama-free, finance-oriented postings. It’s for the greater good, really.
October 29, 2007
that I owe FB is here!
Names will be obscured for the sake of preserving my anonymity 🙂
I’ve been friends with BoyDucky’s sister, let’s call her One, since 7th grade. She was quite a few years younger than her brothers, so we knew them by name, reputation, and portraits hanging on the family staircase. Those of us girls who were closer to One in our younger years knew the brothers personally, but I only knew them from the hilarious/sweet stories she’d tell about her ridiculously cool brothers. And in passing, when I had dinner with her family and he was in town, he’d invariably help remind her parents that I didn’t speak Chinese when they’d start talking to me in Chinese. But other than that, BoyDucky was just One’s brother, or another Boy.
Three years ago, I started a new job at a university, the sun was setting on my relationship at the time, and I was rather wishing that I’d landed this job when I still had friends at the Uni. I had no idea that One’s brother was completing a Master’s degree on campus at the time, nor that she’d passed the word to him that I was now working there. Nice guy that he was, he offered to take me to lunch to introduce me to the campus, and we started lunching every once in a while. Lunches became longer and more frequent as we talked about everything under the sun. My proof that he had no ulterior motives in taking me to lunch was that he’d do the same for any friend of his sister’s, and he can’t remember what I was wearing the day of our first lunch. He remembers what I wore to just about everything else after he started to like-like me. 😉
Eventually I developed a well-hidden crush on Boy even as I realized that my 4 year relationship was truly lifeless and that I was guaranteed a good day NOT seeing the Ex. I’d given the Ex so many second chances over the years that it led to a Christmas ultimatum in which I laid out my major concerns (not the first time) and asked if he saw any resolutions forthcoming, if he wanted things to change, and if he thought the relationship was worth the effort. He said no, no and no, and we ended our relationship.
Lo and behold, Boy guiltily confessed to having feelings for me some weeks later and, though shocked, I had to similarly confess. We agreed to a trial date on which he wooed me with proper flowers and a lovely dinner, and we’ve been lucky enough to have a relatively drama-free, loving relationship ever since. He’s wonderfully supportive and understanding, even to the point of accepting my boy hair 🙂 and appreciates all the efforts I make to take care of him. I, in turn, adore him. I also loved, but stopped, the monthly flowers that he’d bring me for our monthiversaries, and the gestures of homebaked goodies and lunches he’d bring to my office. I like to think my contributions of staying with him but entertaining myself while he studied was an equally valuable gesture. Neither of us are perfect, but we compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses pretty well. He’s learned to sense my guilt complex a mile away and soothe it from 500 hundred miles away, while I have the right to smother his temper boiling over as I see fit, or bring sanity back to his schedule and life organization. Of course, he’s never experienced the vaunted MiniDucky temper so, until then, the pot shall continue to call the kettle black.
Happily, One got over her weirdness about the relationship several months later, and even let me know that she’s glad we’re together because I make him happy and keep him even-keeled. Now, why can’t other people see it that way? 🙂
And that’s the story of how one Boy became BoyDucky.
July 25, 2007
Many of your comments to my post on my parents’ possible business venture were great moral support and bolster to my common sense and caution. I truly wanted to hear your thoughts because this is an emotionally driven situation in which I feel a knee-jerk reaction coming on, instead of a carefully considered decision. And as Matt pointed out, if my instinct is telling me something, I should pay attention, whether or not I ultimately choose to listen.
There are a number of issues that concerned me with regards to the money-lending situation:
1. Can I afford to lose this money?
2. Would I resent the loss of this money? Or the waste of any profits, should there be any?
3. Is the business plan and market sound? Is there true long-term potential (we’re talking about years, not months)?
And then of course, Mapgirl came through with an extremely thoughtful and detailed response to my request. She had some great questions as well, a few of which I’ve borrowed for your perusal:
4. Did your parents ask you for the money? Or are you thinking of volunteering the money?
5. Do you want to protect your investment?
6. Do *you* think it’s risky?
7. Have you and your folks done the due diligence and talked to other owners besides their friend and his wife?
8. Do you want a say in how the money is used and when it’s paid back?
The huge red flag here is that I felt the need to ask for advice: if I were comfortable losing this money (or giving it away, since personal loans to family and friends are best considered gifts and repayments as bonuses), I wouldn’t need to ask. That means that I’d better have a very good reason for risking my financial security, if I choose to.
Another factor is that I’ve been retraining myself to stop thinking emotionally: that everything that’s mine is theirs. It can’t be, not if I’m going to make it out of this situation and help them in the long-term. I’m the saver, and they’ve been living on the edge far too long; they’ve lost sight of long-term planning.
I absolutely must be financially secure, and thriving, to be able to support them in their later years. Obviously, that means not throwing money away and not making unwise decisions. The need to help them upon request is born of that old habit wherein I rushed to the rescue in every situation, rather than judiciously, and as English Major pointed out, is probably more enabling than helping. What can I say? I was young and stupid. I’m not young anymore, so I can’t be stupid anymore either 🙂
So, could I afford to lose this money? I don’t include it as part of my net worth, I don’t count it in my savings plans and goals. For all intents and purposes, I don’t have that money until I recall the loan. It wouldn’t really be losing money, in the sense of having a big empty hole in my savings account. But would I resent the loss of it? Yes. Even though I don’t count it, knowing that it’s there and doing some “work,” and could be recalled is another form of emergency fund. In six months, if I really am out thousands of dollars because of my brother, I’ll need and want all the cushion I can get. In protecting this money, I’m protecting all of us against some level of financial disaster. Someone has to pay the rent.
3. Is the business plan sound? Magic 8-ball says: Wait and see.
4. Yes, Ma asked me if she could put some of the charges on my credit card that she’s an AU on. She doesn’t know if the wholesaler takes cards, but she knows that I prefer to use cards over cash, and it’s a good way to track expenses.
Again, I’m not comfortable charging anything that I don’t already have the money for, so I wasn’t in favor of this idea. She also floated the idea of using a 0% BT in her/Pa’s name, but I’m almost positive neither she or Pa’s credit has recovered enough to make that idea feasible. Last time we dug them out of credit card debt by transferring their balances to my 0% card. And eventually I paid off the remainder of the balance for them. Thousands of dollars later, I’m not putting another balance on my cards, even at 0% because I have tons of other savings goals to meet, not just pay-off-others’-debt.
5. I consider this a loan, not an investment, but perhaps there are advantages to thinking of it as an investment? If anything, I just want to give them a start, I don’t expect any profit from it. There are indirect advantages if they regain their financial independence, though, as the daily burden of supporting them would eventually ease. Still, that wouldn’t be expected in the early months.
6-7. My objection is primarily to the lending of money in a venture I don’t know enough about, but more light should be shed on the matter in the next several weeks. Pa is to research the market and plans to discuss the matter with some friends who own the businesses he’d like to supply. They’ll give him a better idea of the services they’d expect if they were to use him, and whether or not they’d be willing to come on board as customers.
8. I expect them to tell me how the money is being used (for inventory) and that it’ll be paid back as they begin to see a profit. However, knowing that Pa has a few other financial obligations that he’s being close-mouthed about, and that he’ll have to attend to those so that he doesn’t have to borrow from me, I’d have to accept that I wouldn’t truly have a say. Again, could I live with that? I’m not sure.
There are a lot of trust issues at play here, and the most important is that I’m not willing to see our relationship further corroded by resentment or arguments over business decisions. And, if I’m smart enough to see that they cannot work with my brother, I have to take a good look at whether or not I can work with them.
Tentatively, I think I could live with this: Ma thinks she can earn enough side money monthly to make a healthy repayment on the loan. Her most insiduous problem tends to be letting that money trickle away to pay Pa’s, or her unexpected, expenses if she doesn’t have a compelling reason to STOP touching that money. She can start giving me that money now and I’ll put it away in one of my high interest accounts while Pa’s doing his research. If enough information supports this as a feasible plan, I will see if I can reasonably supplement the pot with a rational portion of my own money, depending on how much I can save in the interim, and give the whole amount as a loan. Eventually, when they pay it back, I’ll take Ma’s portion of the seed money and keep it in savings for her.
I’ve got to learn when and how to say no, and saying “I can only help this much right now” is a start.
July 23, 2007
Am I on the verge of making a really stupid decision? Have I learned my lesson from previous incidents enough to make the right decision now?
The situation: I have finally overcome the savings watermark below which I would have been in deep debt once my 0% balance transfer money (that I’d loaned to my brother) came due. Unfortunately, that was very recently, so I’m just a few hundred(?) over that point. Aside from the deep sense of failure that brings, I’ve been feeling ohhh-so-insecure because if anything happens now I haven’t got any real cushion!
Recently, my parents have discussed starting another business which consists of supplying service businesses in a very specific industry. Dad’s friend encouraged him to try this line of work because it can be lucrative enough to produce a living wage, and even if they’re unable to develop the market in our area, his wife owns two of those businesses and would be willing to take the supplies off his hands. He feels that it’s win-win: If it succeeds, good. If it’s too slow? Sell off the merchandise and get out. The capital required to purchase the supplies? Approximately $5-7k.
My brother has nothing to do with this venture, nor will I allow them to involve him in any way, so that’s not a factor. But I don’t have that kind of cash. Or at least, I don’t right now. And I couldn’t even think of putting it on a card yet because I don’t have the money to cover it.
If I don’t come up with the cash, I’m not sure what other funding options they have. None good, I know that much. Dad will take some financially reprehensible cash advance at some ridiculous APR, and I’ll eventually have to help bail them out at a much later (and more expensive) date.
The only option I have to avoid incurring debt is to recall a $5k personal loan I’d made last year. I hesitate because the interest from that loan is reducing the principal of another personal loan Dad owes. It’s my “floater” cushion that I’d really rather not use.
So:
Con: I run the risk of losing that $5k cushion. It took me a LONG time to save that much, can I bear to lose it?
Pro: Alternatively, if the business works out, I would recoup that “investment” and possibly see my parents become more self-sufficient.
I’m finally asking the question that seemed unthinkable before. Not “Can I?” or “How do I?” but “Should I?
(oh Mapgirl, that’s your cue!)
June 12, 2007
How many times do I have to make the same mistake before I actually learn from it? I do not trust my brother’s financial sense in the least. After all, he acts like he’s got none. I’ve been really good about not trusting him and he knows it, therefore he has to toe the line with me that he completely ignores in his dealings with our parents. At my parents’ behest, 23 months ago, I bought a truck for the family’s use with the understanding that he would pay the monthly bill and the insurance. It was his last chance to repair our financial relationship, after his years of financial transgressions that I’d bailed him out of.
So what did I do? After 20 months of agonizing over how long he’s going to stay on good behavior and pay his monthly bill to me for the car and insurance, after worrying that I’m going to be stiffed with the car bill because I just don’t know that he’s going to maintain a stable job, I went and made the same idiotic mistake of trusting him, with money.
I knew that he and my parents could not do business together, I knew that I would be forced into the position of peacemaker and dealbroker which I don’t have time for, and I knew that I’d be taking a huge risk of losing that money. Given those odds, didn’t that sound like my answer should have been “No no NO! Bloody no!”? Shouldn’t it have? Every instinct in my mind screamed no! But I didn’t listen. Because ….
1. He came to my parents proposing that they work together. He had been working on his own business for about a year with moderate success, and he thought this would be a good way for them to make some money without doing much work.
2. PaDucky came to me asking that I put up the stake because they couldn’t get it elsewhere and this was a chance at financial independence for everyone.
I desperately wanted my family to start functioning normally again, and I thought that my brother had been doing this on his own for about a year with moderate success already, so wasn’t this a history of having learnt his lesson and all? After some long thought, and with deep misgivings, I said yes. Conditionally, of course, that no single party would make any decisions on their own – all business decisions had to be made in group meetings. And he had a friend/partner who was supposed to keep tabs on the cash flow part of the business, and be his check & balance.
What an idiot I was. What an utter absolute idiot. As predicted, within weeks of their working together, everything fell apart and I’m left as go-between, as peacemaker, and one completely frustrated-to-smithereens loan originator, and kicking myself every single day for making such an idiotic decision. I can’t even express how deeply angry I am at everyone involved, either, because I have to focus on being the peacemaker go-between to make sure that I get as much of that money back as possible as my brother is still working on it, on his own. He’s made one of 7 scheduled payments, missed one, and I’m still trying to get a straight answer about the next one.
I’d used my BT money to make the loan, which gave me a year-long loan of interest free money. I had initially intended to put that money into a high interest savings account and earn my $50 interest a month. I should have done and found another way to support my family. Instead, I have to consider what to do at the end of 12 months when and if he doesn’t pay me back in full. Right now, I have enough in my savings to pay it off completely when the time comes, but that will utterly wipe me out. All that I’ve saved, everything I’ve worked so hard for, scrimped and saved for over the last 2.5 years, gone.
I’ve been trying to make my peace with that. After all, I was the idiot who ultimately decided to go out on this limb in the first place without really truly considering the dire circumstances. I couldn’t even say that even if I have no emergency money, I would at least be debt-free. Because I’d still have that car note. I have one investment that will pay out in a couple more years, but other than that, I’d be back to zero.
This lesson is particularly painful because, well, I was an idiot. I didn’t even really seriously think: Can I pay this off entirely, by myself, if he doesn’t pay up? Every single day, I ponder how much this, losing my life savings because I made a really stupid decision, is going to suck.
And I can’t even guarantee this’ll never happen again. Not even after I collect whatever I can collect. Just because I’ve learned from this lesson doesn’t mean that they won’t need me to help them again and I need to gauge what help I can give vs. what help I should give. I have to understand that my family is collectively financially unsavvy and peculiarly waterproofed against my attempts at helping them make better long-term decisions. So I have to be even more careful not to follow their well-intentioned paths to ruin, again. I can’t keep starting over because of them.
There. My blogging head has been in the sand for a while now because of this. I actually still don’t feel much better for having “said” it aloud. I hoped that I would, but I don’t. It’s like admitting out loud that you kick puppies, or something like that. I did a stupid thing and I’m paying for it.
I definitely need alternate streams of income.
And boy, do I ever hate that it’s so much quicker and easier to get into trouble than it is to get out of it!
