By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (68)

September 20, 2021

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 183: Ow.

Spiritually: I had a dream about dead loved ones being alive and that always hurts my soul. Emotionally, I’ve been reading Codependent No More and some of the stuff I identify with there is slightly jarring. None of it is actually a surprise, I’d already identified those compulsions in myself as things that don’t serve me and need to stop. But it’s still a bit jarring in the early phase. Physically, I put Smol Acrobat in the baby carrier for a short walk today and the impact on my entire body is unbelievable. Ow ow ow and ow.

Parenting pain: we’re in some kind of regression with Smol where they don’t want much solid food, we have to compensate with formula, and they aren’t sleeping even 9 hours at night.

*****

I could feel the urge for retail therapy nipping at me today. I noticed it and I acknowledged that I felt like that. Eventually it passed.

Which is not to say I don’t have plans to spend money. I have a couple but they’re very intentional. One is for my holiday gifts for a large swath of niblings and supporting a creator while I’m at it. One was for supporting an author whose work I have long enjoyed. I did the latter already.

But those plans exist separately from that urge to distract and numb from my real feelings.

After a while, I felt like I recognized what was bubbling up. I’m feeling lonely and isolated emotionally. I miss my dearest friends. I feel like my second child isn’t nearly as loved and cared for within the community as JB was. I know a huge part of that is because of the pandemic. People literally cannot be here to visit the way they did with JB was this age, nor does anyone really have the capacity to show their caring in other ways. That doesn’t mean they don’t care, they simply can’t be here. Much like my pregnancy, the flip side of not hearing all the judginess and the snark and the unwelcome advice because no one was around is that I also didn’t get to feel loved the way I might have in non-pandemic times because no one is around.

Even if it’s not true, the feelings feed the monster in me that insists I don’t deserve love and my fear of rejection. One of the things my therapist will ask me is “is that reality or is that perception?” In a lot of cases I don’t feel like I can tell the difference. It feels true that I don’t deserve love, that I won’t amount to anything, that nothing I do matters. I don’t know if that’s true because if not by my own measure, then by what would I be judging this stuff? In this case even if it feels true that I am isolated from my community and I feel that it’s because no one cares about us, it’s probably more true that people are just really busy with their own lives and own troubles and it has nothing to do with us.

I’m noticing this more as I make my way through therapy and my reading. I’m partway through “Codependent No More” and so far it’s not telling me anything I don’t have some sense of but it’s good to read it.

Year 2, Day 184: I’m feeling annoyed, antagonized, and worthless this morning.

As I pushed Smol Acrobat’s stroller up and down the street, I reflected on how I physically feel empty and drained. Then I realized that because I feel like my cup is empty and I have nothing to give, the anxiety and worthlessness spring forth. Because if I’m not giving, what am I good for?

It’s good to recognize and identity these feelings. I’m not sure yet how to dispel the logic chain but I can do my best to focus on some things that lift my spirits. They’re small but what I managed today:

• The USPS has sent me the Philatelic catalog yesterday. I’m a sucker! I want all the stamps: Day of the Dead, Otters in Snow, Raven Story, the Mid-Atlantic Lighthouses will make a great gift for a friend, Tap Dance, Emilio Sanchez, Spooky Silhouettes, and Sun Science.
• I’ve started stress baking recently and this PB snacking cake must happen here. Not today, but I can order some of the ingredients since I need to pick up a bunch of household supplies anyway.
• I made up two new t-shirt designs and submitted one of them for approval. I can only submit one new design a day until I’ve sold a minimum number, can’t remember what that is.

This is all little stuff and it’s helping me recoup a tiny bit of sanity even as work gulps up great big chunks of my patience. I hate transition periods and we’re in a big one. We’re using this time to put in place good changes that will help us a lot more down the road but it’s still uncomfortable and stressful and time-consuming.

*****

Of course then my work suggested a project that caused my stress to go through the roof just thinking about it. Thankfully shooting it down permanently was possible so I did that with extreme prejudice.

*****

I don’t know why JB went from finishing their one homework worksheet in five minutes to finishing two sheets in 45 minutes. What. Is. Happening?? The work is not much harder, there’s just a little more, and yet somehow they need five times as long to finish? DEEP BREATHS OF ANNOYANCE.

Year 2, Day 185: I changed Smol’s diaper at 5 am and we got another half hour or so of rest before they decided that they were up for the day. PiC took over for the next two hours while I passed out and then frantically got ready to take JB to school. The Perpetual Juggle. Smol went down for their nap when we got back, then I walked Sera, ran her ragged, and fed her. All three kids, settled! I made really good scrambled eggs for late adult breakfast: fluffy, not too runny, not too hard, and didn’t stick to the pan. It was an accident. They were going to be sunnyside up and my waking brain had not yet joined me so autopilot made scrambled eggs. *shrugs* At least they were good.

*****

This day went downhill dramatically. I got stuck in some bureaucratic landmines and that just destroyed any chance I had of maintaining the fragile balance between getting enough done and my sanity.

Then I discovered a gigantic mistake I made and I have no idea how to fix that.

I’m trying really hard not to dwell on it and to focus on something else but if there’s anything that doesn’t sit right with me, it’s making mistakes. That’s really hypocritical considering I always reassure my new hires that mistakes happen and we aren’t punitive about them. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

It was such a bad work day that I had to shut down for a dinner break, lest my head explode, and come back later. Thankfully, a friend texted me to check on me and that was super appreciated, and a goofy gummy-grinned baby was in the living room hanging out ready to blow raspberries at me and that melted my cold angry heart. Sometimes you need those baby cheeks to make a bad day less bad. Too bad they grow up into cranky kids 😆

Oh you know what’s really fun? Googling: “what causes night sweats?”

Because for the past week, I’ve been waking up drenched in sweat and it’s so so gross. No idea why. I run cold and haven’t been doing anything differently that I can think of. Google thinks I’m going through menopause. Seems a little early for that.

Actually. I scoffed, but maybe it’s perimenopause? I suppose I’m old enough for that. Ew.

Year 2, Day 186: Morning glory and periwinkles, Smol Acrobat slept in until SIX THIRTY! *kazoos*

And then JB spent the morning “Yes mom”ming instead of pitching a hissy over every little thing. I’m starting to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. OR maybe this is a little rebalancing of the universe after all the bad? Maybe? Yes?

*****.

My new slightly tongue-in-cheek semi-autobiographical tee shirt designs are up: Babies are tiny terrorists and I have hate in my heart.

*****

The latter t-shirt design was partly inspired by my ongoing computer woes. I was sick of the laggy draggy substitute mouse so I took a chance and tested my old one to see if it would work again. It did! And that was great! Mysterious and unexplainable why it went from working to not working to working again but I’ll take it. In trade, apparently, my File Explorer quit working. I’d open a window to search for files and it would take forever to not load anything.

I have been restarting my computer every time that happens, which is a terrible way to deal with it, and finally a lot of Googling led me to the Troubleshooting module that said my Windows Search was broken and is now fixed. Fingers crossed.

*****

I’m so frustrated for friends who STILL cannot easily access COVID tests as needed, especially those in healthcare. We are so lucky that our healthcare provider has been really pretty good about making COVID testing available on request, for most any reason, free. It might take a few days but they generally will have appointments available and the wait when you show up for the appointment isn’t more than a few minutes anymore. It used to be an hour and a half.

Year 2, Day 187: I jumped out of bed in a panic at 214 am because I thought Smol Acrobat was choking. It was a dream of course. At 5 am we had an in the dark diaper change, after which Smol Acrobat stood in their crib demanding to go play but I gave them a nope not happening kiss and laid them back down. Luckily I was right and they got another 2 hours of sleep before we started our morning together. PiC was so wiped he didn’t hear any of the wakeups, it was nice to be able to let him sleep in for a change while I got the kids ready.

Little things going my way today: I knocked over a full 300 tab bottle of ibuprofen and CAUGHT THE BOTTLE before it spilled. Woo! That moment of adrenaline when it DID NOT land on the floor and spill everywhere was pretty awesome. XD

*****

Smol was relatively cooperative about playing on their own, AKA crawling around the bedroom emptying out the toy bins while I sat on the floor working and fending off their occasional attacks. They came up on their nap time faster than I expected, which was signaled by their throwing their body at me with an upset yowl. Yep ok, it’s time!

*****

In a completely unexpected and super appreciated turnaround from yesterday when I felt like the gum scraped off the bottom of a shoe, I felt spry enough to pop Smol into the stroller after their nap and take them and Sera for a long walk around a block. Afterwards, we threw a ball for Sera in the backyard and she temporarily lost her mind running the zoomies, finishing up with a slightly terrifying full speed lunge at me carrying Smol just so she could gently poke us with her nose. *Terrifying because sometimes she miscalculates and just barrels into me full force. Which is bad enough when it’s just me, it’d be disastrous when I’m holding the baby.

Smol about died laughing, they loved that so much. Too bad Sera can’t do that safely on command.

*****

I finally got some good news at work today! Good long term news. Nothing that specifically fixes any of our problems now, but it gives me a brighter outlook for the months ahead and that’s going to keep me going for a while.

*****

JB earned a big batch of Halloween stickers by doing two loads of laundry in record time without whining yesterday and they got to enjoy them again today after school and lessons. Stickers are great. No whining is better. Chores done, best.

What a huge breath of fresh air to have a whole day that was mostly good. I can’t remember the last one of those I had! I’m going to cherish this.

:: How was your week?

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