Year 5, Day 19: My OB’s covering person is being really thorough. She’s approving routine prescription refill requests, and emailed me to follow up on health issues I reported in 2019 and 2020 first, before approving them. They’re not a problem anymore but that was weird and unexpected. If only all doctors were as diligent (and believed their patients with chronic issues).
Brain fog is thick today, and I find myself easily irritated by the littlest things that require brain processing. I have so little to spare today, y’all, I need every little bit I can hold onto! But I got through a record amount of work with some time to spare for recruiting JB into my weeding crusade. Quality may be another question entirely but for now we’re not asking that one.
But in “happyyyyy??” (as they would say it) news, it was Smol Acrobat’s turn to make me think they were bodyswapped. They ate their entire dinner using their own hands, including veggies, without a complaint or dragging heels. After each food group they’d turn to me: I ate my vegetables, are you happyyyyy?? They used the toilet and the real capper: put on their face lotion all by themselves. They NEVER do the face lotion! They always kick and whine and fuss. I know it won’t last so I’ll marvel over it now.
Year 5, Day 20: Our bills coming due this and next month will be spectacular in the blowing cash flow sort of way. I keep thinking what on earth did we spend on??? Oh yes, Sera š¶ (4 digits this month alone), the new washing machine (another 4 digits), therapy. Some big ticket items are coming up soon too, between life insurance and homeowners insurance premiums, so I am having to harness my “we have enough cash for all the things” feelings, particularly when it comes to mutual aid. There’s so much need but we have to take care of our responsibilities first.
Speaking of which: we have a working washing machine again! Thank goodness. We didn’t replace the dryer because it was still working, please cross your fingers that it continues to behave another few years to justify not replacing them both at the same time (which would have saved $300). I’d like to keep it out of landfill for at least 3 more years (totally arbitrary number).
After getting dive bombed by that daddy long legs, and catching and releasing it outside, I caught the little sneak trying to get back inside the house three more times. I yelled “you don’t live here” but it just tucked up against a box and ignored me. Rude.
I took the Favorite IA Supporting Character Quiz and ended up with Her Grace. I do like her a lot. But maybe primarily because she’s linked her survival to Dina and so she won’t turn on her. I’d be less of a fan if she weren’t so bound.
Year 5, Day 21: šæļø mode today. My brain wants to dwell on “you’re a bad friend and a bad person“. I asked a longtime friend for advice and they were angry at me when it landed as selfish and inconsiderate. Of course I apologized, I try not to be horrible to my friends intentionally but am not immune to accidentally being so. They haven’t spoken to me since so it feels like I broke our friendship over asking for advice. That feels awful. And as another friend observed, my brain reflexively blames me when things go sideways so if someone I respect and care about deeply called me selfish, maybe they’re right. I mean, they’re definitely right that I haven’t been able to check in with everyone I care about on a regular basis. I try, but this year has kicked my ass in so many dimensions I can’t even count the number of ways I feel like a failure, so that plus one, now. Maybe there’s something else going on but, in the end, they felt I was selfish at them and seemingly don’t want to be friends anymore. That sucks. This whole thing hurts. But I’ve done my best to mend fences to no result, so the best I can do now is to try not to destroy myself over this.
My gut reaction (to blame myself and go to that dark place of just how horrible am I) is not super healthy so, after a hefty dose of therapy, I’m working overtime to stay in neutral emotionally even if I can’t manage to be affirming. That means constantly redirecting my brain every single time it wants to go There. That means SQUIRREL!
I started a load of laundry. Filled the dishwasher and started that.
My seeds still haven’t shipped. *Poke poke* Ship them! So that I can plant them and then stare at the soil waiting for them to grow..
We had to file our tax return very close to the deadline so it’s still processing. Poking “Where’s my refund” won’t make them process any faster buuuuut…
I ordered garden stakes, maybe they’ll arrive when the seeds arrive.
I scheduled recheck appointments for Sera š¶ who still isn’t eating nearly enough to sustain life. Her appetite dropped off last week and it’s been a daily struggle to get her to eat anything but a handful of treats. She’s weak and unsteady on her feet much of the day and some of that may be her disease but the low caloric intake cannot be helping. She’s also increasingly resistant to taking her meds. I’d started out giving them to her with pill pockets, now she refuses the pill pockets. She keeps chewing them up and spitting them out. WHY. The whole point is that you don’t need to taste them! I started giving her a handful of treats, roughly the same size, mixed up with those pill pockets. That worked for two doses, then she started chomping on the entire handful and spitting it out. Now I’m wrapping them in smaller pill pocket wraps and embedding treats in those smaller pieces. Cross your fingers that she stops being so picky about it all? I really don’t want to have to pill her twice a day. It’s unpleasant for everyone.
There are MANY more things on my to do list but I can’t seem to spare the executive function to schedule any more things, so keep circling back to my emotional support bank accounts for comfort. Alas, it’s not helping the way it used to.
Year 5, Day 22: Taking care of Sera š¶ is bringing up all the grief from losing Seamus as she declines in small but significant ways. She wandered the hall last night for hours. I took her out for a pee at midnight just to be sure she was ok and she paced intermittently for the next three hours. I listened to the click click click of her nails, remembering Seamus’s last months when he’d have confused nocturnal meanderings and I’d have to get up and help him settle down. But his first choice was to settle right on top of Sera. She didn’t object.
She absolutely refuses to take her meds now. She will take the treat wrapped pills from Smol Acrobat’s palm, not mine, but then she bites it in half and spits it out. Her appetite is very low. Her energy is correspondingly low. She’s still responsive to us but in a grumpy detached sort of way. She doesn’t follow me around half as much as she was doing last month. Her walks are much shorter and a little less frequent, by her preference. She doesn’t like to sunbathe when it’s warm anymore, she prefers when it’s cold. It feels like a lot of these changes developed in the past two weeks. I’m hoping that my gut instinct is right. I’m hoping she’s just exhausted from months of treatment, twice monthly pokes for bloodwork, six walks a day, etc, and needs more time to bounce back. Hell, I’m exhausted from all of this and I’m not the sick one. So I try to hug her and rub her ears as often as I’m tending to her and hope really hard she’s going to come back from this.
Year 5, Day 23: This Ask a Manager post reminds me of my regular musing about retirement (whenever it is, early or not). Will I have enough to occupy my time by then? It really depends on where we are in life by that point. I have friends who retired early who are busier than they were when they worked. We currently have young kids and an aging dog, and that makes us REALLY busy because their needs are so high now but that’ll change. Who knows what that’ll look like ten years from now. And who knows what my community and friendships will look like ten years from now. I’m terminally online socially because I can handle that. Socializing in person, even with people I like a lot, leaves me so very drained.
In other news, I’m so frustrated with these work people who are actively obstructive. Driving home in an empty car, a rarity, I made like Orro and screamed my frustration to the heavens. I did not claw the air, though I wanted to, both hands on the wheel. It helped a little. Like a tea kettle venting steam. Nothing has changed but at least I don’t feel like I’m going to burst with the pressure of keeping it all in.
Year 5, Day 12: I was in a terrible mood yesterday and woke up on the precipice of that terrible mood again today. That, my utter lack of patience for anyone’s anything, and my pain and fatigue during school dropoff when I’ve normally walked twice that distance by the time we’re done – it’s screamingly clear I’m completely at the end of my emotional and physical ropes.
Between last week (travel, Sera’s health scare, hours of catching up, Smol Acrobat suddenly deciding that they’re ready to use the toilet so we have sixteen false alarms a day, Smol Acrobat’s stomachaches that spiraled out of control last week) and the weekend (scrubbing Sera’s vomit out of the carpet, the rug, and off the floor x 4, the washing machine dying, my backup computer turned main work computer trying to die)… I need a break. But I have a full week ahead of me so there’s no room for recovery in sight.
I put myself to work on meditative tasks: washing dishes and cooking turkey for Sera in an attempt to settle my ruff.
*****
I simply don’t understand why people call it “six months of the Gaza war”. It’s a genocide, not a war. The Palestinians are not waging war. A small part of their population is committing crimes and the entire population is being held responsible for it. To quote a friend, “one side in this has the power to exterminate the other and they are using it.” Of course we all know the chaos and horror that suicide bombers can wreak and October 7 was horror upon horror. And then it was followed up by a relentless six month extermination campaign. How is that going to bring any hostages home? They’re murdering indiscriminately, children, women, men, aid workers, it doesn’t matter anymore. Israel is just on an all out destruction rampage. They even killed some of the hostages themselves: 3 hostages killed in Gaza by Israeli troops were shirtless and waving a white flag, official says.
Year 5, Day 5: Taking a moment to reflect on the fact that I really didn’t expect to still be writing my weekly posts into Year 5 of COVID and, since we’re going to apparently be living with it forever, is it time to stop tracking the days? It’s mostly a habit now, like masking, but I don’t intend to stop masking any time soon.
We’ve taken the unusual decision to take the kid on an impromptu quick trip into the wilderness (Yosemite). I have been so busy with work and Sera that I have spent exactly ten minutes discussing or thinking about it, PiC did all the planning and booking. It wouldn’t have happened without him but also without me being an active part of the planning meant lots of things were missed. Not all my fault, we always tend to forget one thing unless my list is really extensive and I’ve been working on it for months.
We forgot to pack laundry mesh bags (small deal), warm hats (eh oops), PiC’s driver’s license (big oops), boots for Sera (which she might not have even been willing to wear). We don’t even own boots for the adults. The kids had rain boots that worked for them but my feet went up a half a size each since Smol Acrobat so my warm fuzzy boots don’t fit anymore. Wonder if it’s worth getting a replacement pair sometime.
Year 5, Day 6: Oh my aching everything. What a time for a flare-up. I had lava bones all night and well into the morning. Not great. Not great at all.
While granting that none of this trip was really made for me, I’ve made the grumpy snap judgment that I am not at a stage in my life where I appreciate nature enough to trade it for inhaling this much dust, being this cold, being this cut off from Internet connectivity and functioning GPS (I cannot stress functioning GPS enough) and being an hour of twisty windy long and slow drive away from anything. The majesty of the park struck me but fades into the background of my physical discomfort and preoccupation.
We always knew my body is no longer fit for camping but assumed I’d be fine near nature in a nice enough accommodation.
Year 4, Day 363: Yesterday was exhausting. We had to entertain people in three shifts, PiC took the middle one so I could get Smol down for a nap. This morning,Ā I swore off Sunday activities for the foreseeable future. Then PiC reminded me we have a commitment next Sunday. Booo! Boo, past me agreeing to that! Shame! It’s not something I can get out of, or I would immediately.
Ah well. On our walk today, I saw one of our neighborhood crows attacking the local hawk, driving it out of their territory. I’m torn. I love the blackbirds I’m trying to befriend but I also love raptors. It was a surprise that it only took one of them, though.
I was wrong about DST not affecting the humans. We’ve been slugs every morning since the time change. We’ve also had several late nights for various reasons which doesn’t help anyone.
My fingers have been like balloons for the past ten days, swelling up and deflating at random intervals. When they’re swollen, the skin gets extra tight and overstretched, the joints are tender, and my fingers can’t bear weight well. This is very annoying.
Year 4, Day 364: My cup boileth over sort of day.
Get up, medicate Sera š¶, take her out for a walk immediately. Give her just a little water to start her day or else she’ll retch it up.
Get the kids out the door.
Sit down to inhale breakfast with one hand and work with the other.
Answer questions, triage emails.
Walk Sera, get her bloodwork results, see that they suck. Have feelings. Write to the vet about her poor appetite and incontinence.
Answer more emails, start digging through HR documentation for answers and find more questions.
Walk Sera, grab a salad for lunch, clean the robot vacuum so it can run while I work and try to untangle another mess. Add urine collection and a run to the vet (45 minutes) to the calendar for tomorrow.
Ask JB to start the rice or take Sera out to the yard for a pee before we left the house. They wanted to do the rice, then fussed about getting their jacket sleeves wet. Exasperated, I swap chores with them only now Sera refuses to pee for JB so I have to deal with that myself too as soon as I get done with the rice. But Sera refuses to pee for me too, so then we have to rush out the door while I worry worry worry if she’s having kidney problems between her random incontinence and now refusal to pee when she normally would need to. š¤Æ
Work frantically through JB’s class, when I would normally be paying attention to the skills they’re practicing so I can help JB later (#guilt), stopping five minutes before class ends.
Head directly home post-haste hoping that Sera didn’t have an accident while we were gone. Immediately walk her so she doesn’t have an accident while I’m prepping dinner. Reheat leftovers for dinner, make Sera’s dinner and serve it up. Work for ten minutes before PiC and Smol Acrobat get home. Check Sera’s weird scab that was torn off last night and bleeding profusely to make sure the bandage didn’t stick and irritate the wound. It didn’t, whew. Smol Acrobat has taken JB’s role of my faithful assistant taking the old bandaging to the trash and asked to cut the bandages and generally were helpful instead of trying to be helpful but only getting in the way.
Underlying it all are issues at work that I’m still working through, processing, and not loving.
Feelings right now
Year 4, Day 365: I was on my own with all 3 critters this morning for the first 45 minutes and boy, getting a toddler to get ready to walk the dog who needs to go out ASAP is not an easy juggle.
Most of yesterday’s checklist rolled over to today, swapping out JB’s lesson for an extra run to the vet to drop off a specimen for testing ($300) and pick up an appetite stimulant ($90). GACK.
That hurts but we’re lucky that we can take care of her to the best of our abilities, I remember a time when I could only afford good care for my dogs when I worked for a vet.
Sera’s added to her list: a wound I’m managing, plus incontinence, this week. Can we apply for a cap on the number of problems per dependent at a time? One or two at a time per critter, please?
My bright spot for the day: the neighborhood corgi was in a good mood and gave me a nose boop and kiss.
Home stuff: PiC thinks we’ll need to do our roof sooner than later because our gutters are a mess and there’s no sense in doing the gutters first and then messing them up when we have to do the roof. Given this year’s uncertainty, I’m going to define “sooner” as maybe in the next five years. I don’t even want to think about how much it’ll cost. But of course that gets my brain thinking about how much it’ll cost. $30k? $40k? š¶āš«ļø I’m NOT ready to pay out that cash.
Year 5, Day 1:Ā Sera’s incontinence isn’t due to a bacterial infection so whoop here we go on a third possible long term medication. *pulls face*
Bits and bobs: A raven visited the neighborhood this morning. Wasn’t one of my semi-regulars, those two know me enough to come hop-hop-hopping over to nab the treats I leave before I get five feet away. This one waited for me to get at least twenty feet away before coming to inspect the treats.
JB: “I’ve never been in the snow before!”
Yes you have, you just don’t remember it. Existential question: Did it happen if you don’t remember it? That sent me down a darkish path of remembering dementia and Alzheimer’s.
Smol Acrobat: “Mommy, Sewa is worried inside. Can you check to see if Sewa is ok?”
Yes, I can. I will be spending my entire day checking if Sewa is ok, like I have been doing for the past 80 days.
It’s very annoying to know I was reading a book somewhere on my phone but not remember which book and which app.
It’s also very annoying that I still have lil smokies for fingers. Two solid weeks now of swollen fingers. I’ve done my time, haven’t I?
Year 5, Day 2: My crow duo, the town crier and the scout, came by this morning. I set out dog treats for them and stepped way back to watch their sideways hippity hop approach. They could just divebomb in to fetch them but they’re clearly not ready for that yet. One day, though!
Spreadsheet day! I’m torn between wow that’s grown a lot (over 3-4 years), and ALSO dang that’s still so far away (not sure how long it’ll take to get to the “enough” point). The double giant stressors of a possible layoff and the huge shifts at my work are pushing hard on the latter button because I want to feel like I can walk away if things continue to deteriorate and we can’t turn it around. I keep telling myself to wait it out 2-3 years, let’s get Smol Acrobat into public school, and / but it turns out my patience in my 40s is nearly non-existent compared to my patience in my 20s. I don’t want to live like that any longer. I’m very much over the grind of being overworked, underpaid, and constantly fighting political battles. We don’t know for sure if it’ll go that way with the latest changes but it is possible and that possibility makes me very cranky. I want an escape hatch that isn’t “start over at a new workplace”. I want the option of being able to just walk away from all that stress and just deal with the stress at home but not trading it for the stress of being unemployed without sufficient income. It reminds me of PiC’s friend who had his multi-millions in the bank. When confronted with the hiring of a terrible manager from a previous job that he advised against, he just said that’s ok, I don’t need this job and retired.
Year 4, Day 356: Nothing like avoiding any Sunday scaries by being so completely exhausted that you can’t even think ahead to Monday. We overdid it on the weekend and today we need a secondary weekend for recovery. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
A very small part of it was I finally had the werewithal to pick two Lakota families to help. One family is grieving the loss of a son and have been on the list since January without much help. They were in need of propane, formula, clothes, and diapers for the baby, and clothes for the surviving family. I requested to tackle the propane, formula, diapers and wipes. The second family was almost out of food, and they’re also the home where people keep dropping off dogs that need feeding and care. I put together a giant grocery shop for them while I waited for the information I needed to complete the orders.
I’m annoyed with Costco Pharmacy. They save us a bit of money but I called in a prescription on Saturday and they gave me a choice of picking it up Saturday after 2 pm or Monday after 2 pm. Every time I called for an update, it was “scheduled to be filled”. They didn’t bother to fill it until today after 2 pm. So why offer that option if it wasn’t really an option?? Huff. Thankfully I had enough brainspace to figure out the refills while we still had a week left. I wanted the Saturday pickup because weekday pickups are so much harder for us to squeeze in.
Dinner: Frozen lasagna + yesterday’s leftover meat sauce +plain pasta for Smol Acrobat because the frozen lasagna is a little too spicy for them + 4 leftover ravioli + frozen green beans. Both kids were intensely irritating about eating their green beans but they ate them all in the end and Smol Acrobat even ate all of their pasta and the meat sauce under their own steam. Yesterday the meat sauce was a big frickin’ deal. Today they kept telling me “I am eating my pwotein. Are you happppyyyy?”
Year 4, Day 357: Day 2 of weekend recovery.
My Big Task is mostly completed! I should have done this a long time ago. I knew that I should and had started the process, so I shouldn’t complain, buuuut it’s no fun and I’m going to complain. I’m finally separating my work and personal digital lives from the one computer. It’s just so much more convenient for them to be on the same machine, I could multitask so much more easily, but it’s better to keep them separate so I bought a laptop for household use last year. Several months later, I set up logins for ourselves and the kids. Another several months have now passed and now push has come to shove, changes in our systems mean it’s time for me to fully remove the personal from the professional. The process took hours: moving bookmarks over, backing up the files to our external hard drive and our cloud system to transfer them to the new laptop, and THEN to remove them completely from the work machine. HOURS. So many hours. And errors. And disconnections. And one mysterious failure where the power to the modem and our server both failed even though it was plugged into the Yeti to prevent exactly this loss of power that interrupts file transfers. I’d be tempted to say that I SHOULD have done this in stages but that wouldn’t work so well either because the point is to transfer the full contents of the hard drive at this specific moment in time and carry on working on personal stuff from that date forward entirely in the personal computer. A multi-stage transfer would mean I’d miss files that were changed in the interim period because I’m always doing something.
My personal files are all transferred to the home computer. Now I am practicing typing, the keyboard is just different enough to throw off my typing, and get in the work groove so I can make some decisions about critical software. I despise the Microsoft subscription model so I went looking for and found that we can get an older Word product key from Costco for $150 (plus a $25 Visa back). Or other places, I haven’t looked at them yet. That’s probably the software I’ll need the most.
Year 4, Day 358: Day 3, I think the PEM is finally starting to fade after 2.5 really tough days and nights. My bones still have lava for marrow but the deep and full-ton fatigue has lightened a bit to a more normal load when I’m trying to walk Sera. It’s not quite over yet, though, and this is probably where I accidentally overdo it because I think “I’m ok now!” Reminder to self: not quite yet.
I did one very slow walking set of karaokes on our morning walk and we went on one slightly longer walk midday but that’s it. I’m pacing myself!
Well that and I did the other half of a massive food prep. We got takeout yesterday so with some of my time saved, I cut up 6 lbs of meat and made the nuoc mau for the thit kho. Today the stock pot came out to play. I boiled the meat to clean it, set it to simmering for 3 hours, adding things periodically to end up with a large entree for dinner, two freezer portions for other non cooking weeks, and sent a large portion to our friends for their dinner. I’m satisfied with my performance in the kitchen for once, though I cooked it a little longer than intended and the meat is literally falling apart. Whoops! I really need more childhood recipes that can be frozen for later eating. Most of our recipes weren’t that sort of meal, they were all meant to be enjoyed fresh.
Feeling: So glad it’s not Monday anymore, so glad it’s not Thursday yet.
Year 4, Day 359: Taxes are in process. Will update is in process. Which genius thought it was a good idea to do those at the same time??
I thought my diet needed to be adjusted a bit to get to a shape I felt more comfortable in. It was a theory, attempting to lose weight has never been a thing in my life. It wasn’t about the number on the scale, I just hate(d) how my body has changed and feels after two pregnancies. The feet changing sizes is annoying, one changing to be a half size larger than the other is annoying, the stretch marks are intermittently annoying. All annoying but ultimately ignorable. My belly shape isn’t ignorable. Last month, my jeans were intensely uncomfortable after 2-3 hours. So I thought I’d have to figure this out.
I never even tried my lower carb trial since 2024 has been terrible, I didn’t want to give up one gram of carb or sugar. I did add in salads for lunch courtesy of PiC. (I’m terrible at feeding myself when it’s just me during working hours. I’m even worse at eating my vegetables these days so these were a neat fix for both problems.) What’s changed?
I’ve been going out on 5-6 walks a day with Sera since January, that’s the same.
I threw in those karaokes a few days a week recently. I noticed I’m just less hungry during the day but always hungry late at night when I’m too tired to do anything about it. I haven’t put actual effort in but it seems like maybe I’ve gone from a 4.5 month belly to a 3.5 month belly. Soft pants are still the best but the jeans aren’t awful anymore. I’d like to shed another couple inches to feel more myself but we’ll have to see if it happens with my current routine. I’m just trying to keep up with life and Sera’s š¶ needs and I don’t have the energy to experiment with more.
Year 4, Day 360: Sera had more bloodwork. I’m crossing everything that the results come back looking better. She’s getting balky about these visits, she doesn’t want to go at all anymore. It’s a poke every time and she hates it. And I feel terrible but it’s gotta be done.
PiC usually makes time to do that during the week but couldn’t make it happen so we all went tonight. (I have a Pavlovian need for hot dogs anytime I even think about going to Costco. Anyone else?)
Somehow I managed to get through all my work and a little of my backlog today, so that was good but I was also totally wiped out by the end of the night. I should have reconsidered…well, no. It’s hard for PiC to do Costco with both kids in tow. One or the other is doable but both is just an exhausting combination, plus I needed to run a specific Costco errand as well. So it’s good that I went, I’m just knackered.
*****
I notice that some neighbors never cover their windows. Not even their front facing windows, so people can see into their home day and night. What is that about? It creeps me out on their behalf even though it’s their own privacy they’re giving up.
*****
I grew up loving Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car without ever knowing the name of the song. It came on that radio today with the wrong name: Luke Combs, and JB’s friend started singing it. That was all kinds of confusing so I had to go down the rabbithole. Oh, he’s covering the song. And then I found this and it pulled up all kinds of feelings. What a world we live in.
Year 4, Day 349: A Monday after a time change plus almost a full night of insomnia as I try to fight off Smol’s virus: things could be better.
Insomnia meant that I got to give Libby a try, though, so no ill wind or whatever that saying is. I finished a book of short stories. I don’t love the interface. I don’t hate it either. I like the principle of being able to read an ebook without using Kindle in my attempts to move away from that environment but I’ve hated Kobo’s reader app. I still use it because I’d started buying some of my collections at Kobo, but find the reading experience sticky and aggravating.
A tired Smol Acrobat was mildly cooperative about sitting down to dinner (literally, the sitting down part) but was disappointed we would not (could not) grant their request: can we have a call (A PTA meeting)? We just had one, kiddo.
Year 4, Day 350:Gloom gloom drippy gloom this morning kept everyone glued to their beds well past time. We had to hustle to get JB to school before the last bell so naturally the moods turned sour when JB couldn’t get my ok for getting breakfast at school and their homework checked in the ten minutes we had before hitting the road. Ah well. Mornings are tough.
The kids do karaokes (kar-a-ok-kahs, not the singing kar-a-oh-kee) as part of their PE warm ups and I started doing them when walking Sera. I look as silly as anything but it gets my heart rate up and, for the short distance we normally walk, that’s a small good thing. My knees don’t always agree. But.
My people avoidance continues. We had to grab takeout today and I’d forgotten to order online before like normal. I gritted my teeth and resolved to stand in line and order at the counter like normal people do. We got into the long line and I whipped out my phone and placed the order. By the time the people previously behind us in line placed their orders, ours was being packed. I feel both sheepish and vindicated. But every minute counts? I weakly defend myself since I worked until 11 pm so I could stay awake and take Sera š¶ for her last walk of the night. And then we start all over again at 7 am. *Flop*
Year 4, Day 351: Rough night for Smol, I had to soothe them from 11-1130 pm, then again from 420-645 am. I was half conscious for the latter. Couldn’t sleep but couldn’t fully wake. Normally PiC takes all the nights but he deserves a break plus he was getting up for the 6 am registration for the kids. It’s hard getting them into the local swim classes but they’re so significantly less expensive than private that it’s worth the pain and effort.
Another set of karaokes for my morningest walk with Sera š¶. When the kids do them, they’re going at speed, practically flying. It’s almost balletic. Not so for me, progressing up and down the street slowly and clunkily! But so far it gives me the muscles working feeling of a run without the PEM that often follows an attempt to run. Win, I think? We’ll see if the muscle aches pass in a reasonable amount of time.
A customer snarked that they’d appreciate more understanding for their busy schedule and more polite communication because they weren’t being fraudy on purpose. I caught my negative response spiral and reminded myself that just because they didn’t like being told no, doesn’t mean that I was in the wrong for being very clear about the reasons for the no since I’d already explained them in detail just a week ago. I hate how a comment like that, even unwarranted, can knock my emotional equilibrium out of whack. I’m proactively telling myself that a) Just because their feelings got hurt that I was blunt and to the point doesn’t mean I was wrong (especially since I had already explained the exact same thing last week). b) I can do other things instead of dwell on the feeling of being insulted. Managed to redirect the RSD almost entirely! New win for me!
Plus the CWC sent out an update and shared this adorable fawn they’re caring for.
Year 4, Day 352: Observing some complex feelings about money: I have been giving a chunk of cash every week to folks I “know” who ran out of money for the past few weeks or months. I don’t dwell on how much if cash flow still flows. Then I look at something like this and think “oh, like that necklace is cool, but I can’t afford that. It’d be nice if it didn’t feel like it had to be a choice between one or the other but for now, I always choose “friends having food or housing” over getting a pretty. I don’t mind, it’s just an observation.
I also have that “I haven’t given enough” feeling, “people need so much more”. That bashes up against my “we don’t have nearly enough for us to retire safely in 7 years” feeling which is constantly jostling for space again my “what about just doing the best you can for a while and attempting to achieve some balance right now which may mean taking longer to retire??” feelings. I still act allergic to the idea of pulling back the intensity of our savings, especially now when we’re doing well enough to save AND still live comfortably. It feels like taking our good fortune for granted NOT to make hay while the sun shines, y’know? Anyway. That’s just what’s bouncing around my skull.
Year 4, Day 353: It’s official, the layoffs that have been going around and around PiC’s company are going to hit his department anytime starting in two weeks from now through the end of this summer. That’s all we know and that’s doing my heartburn no good. I’ve done up a quick and dirty adjustment to our budget assuming that we lose PiC’s income, benefits, and access to the daycare. I wonder if they’re hurting for money enough to let us stay … no, probably not. The budget balances ok on just my salary if I cut out his income, all our weekly savings, and the cost of daycare. A little ironic that just yesterday I was balancing my feelings. Today it’s the budget. Life! Sure does come at you fast.
It was a hell of a busy day yesterday: meeting after meeting after meeting after crisis after meeting. While I was drowning in all of it, PiC plotted all the plans needed to make it possible for me to take a few hours to have dinner with an old friend on very little notice and I’m so grateful. The last time I went out on my own just for a fun thing was … five years ago? Seven? I honestly can’t remember. I really needed that reprieve. It was a quiet night and bolstered me enough to take the possible layoff news with more calm than I would normally have had.
Today was my day to pay the piper between the hard day yesterday and the hard news this morning. HIGH pain hit me with very little fanfare. I wrapped up in heating pads to try and combat the pain, didn’t even think to take pain meds for several hours because historically they don’t really do much, and settled in to catch up on that pile of work left from last night, catch up on laundry a little more, and try not to leak involuntary tears when my muscles screech. Oof. They burn like I ran a marathon.
Year 4, Day 342: I’ve moved the toothpaste well away from the lotion on the vanity. Just to be sure.
This week has to be an early out the door week. Last week needed to be, too, but we didn’t manage it. My heaviness pinned me to the bed most mornings, too tired after a night of painsomnia and sadness to crawl out earlier. Today was a more promising start. It was physically painful but I got out 20 minutes earlier, closer to my preferred time, and even got JB to school at the earliest possible drop off time. It was a good warmup for tomorrow when we have to get PiC out even earlier so he can make a meeting.
We’ve got work meetings, the PTA this week, and a Sera š¶ appointment this week. Fingers crossed that no more than that gets added to the calendar.
It was an unusual “only small problems, no giant fraud rings” Monday and I’m fully appreciating it. I’ve got to get back on my management horse tomorrow and deal with some training and staffing things but any reprieve is a good reprieve.
Yesterday I attempted three rounds of planks on my hands instead of my forearms. This is the first time in decades that I’ve tested my hands and wrists this way. For years, any pressure or weight on them would trigger a flare. It’s been a real sinker of my morale because my one strength was upper body strength as the runt in my class. I’m hoping I can build up to some strength and tolerance in them again but this is my warning to myself to skip days in between so I don’t stress them right out of the gate. Tonight, they’re mildly twingy, not quite stiff or painful, so I’m hopeful I can do another short set tomorrow. š¤
PiC brought home a large slice of the most decadent chocolate cake we’ve ever tasted in our lives. We don’t even like chocolate cake but this was heavenly. It’s from some specialty bakery up too north to be worth the drive so obviously we’ll never get it again. We will have fond memories. š
Year 4, Day 343: Well. I got that early wake up. PiC discovered, to our great dismay, that Sera š¶ had had an accident inside. We’ve been so careful to walk, medicate, feed and water her on a very specific schedule to make her comfortable enough to get through the night. Walks every 2-4 hours starting at 730 depending on her mood/need, meds by 3 pm, last food and water by 8 pm, last late night walk between 10 pm-12 am. 8 weeks without incident. Then I screwed up. So busy with work, I missed her 3 pm meds alarm yesterday, and it threw her enough out of whack that she couldn’t make it through the night. Nothing like a 6 am wake up to go scrub floors together. Sigh.
I carefully calibrated her schedule for the rest of the day to take her out six times to empty her bladder sufficiently to make it through tonight. Six walks today, plus four JB pickup and dropoffs, plus work, plus throwing together dinner (part leftover, part baked salmon).
Then I threw in a half hour of reading aloud to JB because I want them to give Diane Duane’s Young Wizards series a chance to see the contrast between the empty calorie racist Harry Potter series and a well written wizarding series recommended by Ursula Vernon. I love anything Vernon writes so I figured her taste in books has to be pretty reliable. Not that I expected it to be like her books, it doesn’t work that way. But she’s a thoughtful person and an author who enjoys reading, that tends to add up to good recommendations. Anyway, Young Wizards starts out a bit more dense than they’re used to so I decided to read it to them and let them ask me all the questions. We’ll see how long I can handle making this additional thing work.
My wrists held up through 3 very short rounds of planks. They twinged after but not terribly and if they recover throughout tomorrow, I can try again on Thursday.
It’s not 9 pm yet and I’m dropping in my tracks. But I still owe some people some answers so back online I go for another 1.5 hours of work, and then I’ve got Sera’s last walk. If I manage to make lights out at 11, that’ll feel almost like a win.
Reading Fiqah’s obituary (gift link) made my sadness feel heavier, albeit clearer. She deserved better than this. She was a good person.
Year 4, Day 344: I had dreams all night that Fiqah was still alive and we were still able to help her. I hate how those dreams about our losses linger in my psyche all day long. I get them with my mom and past dogs, too.
I’m trying to shake that ‘I’m such a downer’ feeling with everything going on and find something joyful. Then I remembered that a friend sent me this pilot of The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency show. I’ve read all the books and didn’t know it was a series! Sadly, there’s only one season, but that might be the pick me up needed. Jill Scott is absolutely perfect as Precious Ramotse.
Also I SHOULD feel triumph over finally figuring out a foreign tax claim back form that took me hours to work on. I’m not feeling it yet but I’m reminding myself that that was big. More than one of PiC’s colleagues weren’t even aware of that tax claim form’s existence so I should also be a little proud for digging deep and finally finding something that refunds a significant amount of money that doesn’t seem to be common knowledge. They’ve asked PiC for a guide which means they’re really asking me. They’ve been good colleagues to him so I’ll save them a bit of legwork but it’ll need to be when I’m a little less tired.
Year 4, Day 345: A friend commented on her burnout and what she described, feeling upset/angry/cynical about the world, our government, the pandemic and the CDC, our future, do we have one??, climate change, it’s all very much how I’m feeling, plus my personal grief from losses this year. It’s all too much and it’s all so heavy.
It’s probably not normal to mentally growl “UGH I HATE YOU” to every email you write, even if it’s well deserved, to fraudy fraudpants customers. It’s probably not normal to feel like giving up after being asked to do even the smallest slightest extra thing. I’m feeling like the proverbial camel and the last straw has been sliding on top of the pile. That’s been a dark cloud hanging over my psyche for months.
My working day was almost entirely derailed by a huge shakeup at work that required hours of follow up. That’s a huge thing I’m processing, interspersed with Sera’s frequent outings, school pick up, after school activity, and then throwing dinner on the table in time to try to listen to the PTA meeting, whew. I was back at my desk to clear off the last remaining things that I needed done before a long day ahead of me tomorrow.
One good bit, though it’s more work for me: JB asked if we could read more So You Want To Be A Wizard tomorrow night. I actually really hate reading out loud but it’ll be worth the sacrifice to encourage them to stretch their reading horizons a little.
Year 4, Day 346: Friend shared this and I couldn’t help but laugh.
PiC got his tax claim forms notarized so I can try to wrap up THAT one small section of taxes. I have to wait another week before I can finalize the package for our tax person to get working on them. I’m really resentful of the one company that went and asked for an extension because I could be DONE by now but they’ve put me two weeks behind. Grumble.
It turns out my tax person may be wrong, and I don’t have to file a tax return for JB to prove they have earned income before I can deposit their business earnings in a Roth IRA for them. They had a handful of sales last year, not enough to need to file a return, so that would be the only reason I’d file. I certainly don’t intend to sign up for extra work if I don’t have to! I am a little excited about opening the Roth once I figure out what’s net after expenses.
I’ve been taking up Sera’s š¶ water after 8 pm because she’s drinking so much that she’ll be full to bursting before I get up to walk her in the morning. She followed me around as I got ready for bed, and oh my goodness the LOOK I got when I filled my water bottle and didn’t give her any. It was grim. I felt so bad. But I also can’t get up in the middle of the night to take her out, I’m too physically exhausted from the 5-6 walks a day plus everything else I do. I need some unbroken sleep. One wakeup doesn’t equal two ok blocks of sleep for me. It means a splinter of sleep because my anxiety about waking up would prevent me from sleeping, and then I’d be too tired and wired to fall asleep again until just half an hour before needing to get up. My body is like clockwork. Deranged, broken, irrational clockwork.
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
