Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (69)
September 27, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 190: I woke up and realized it was Monday. Boo. But it doesn’t feel terrible right off the bat. Especially since Smol managed to sleep til 615 and PiC took them for an hour so I got to roll over and doze for a little longer before getting up and getting breakfast ready. I’m liking my current iteration of eggs: scrambled with diced tomatoes, ham, and cheese. It checks off the JB requirement of cheese and mine of incorporating some kind of vegetable (or … fruit?).
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PiC and I are so different. I interrupted him doing his pre-walk round up of things and he forgot to grab a poop bag for Sera. Me? I won’t risk running out without one so I stuff two bags in every jacket pocket and two rolls of poop bags in my dog walking pouch.
He buys supplies as we run out. I insist on stocking up two months’ or more of non-perishable or long-storing food and supplies.
I think this is fairly representative of our different approaches to life and money. š
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All systems malfunctioning: Smol’s nap was garbage-short so my workday was derailed. My vision was in trouble, my computer screen appeared to be at half brightness even though it was at the highest level setting. My energy level was sub-basement level and I had to devour an extra meal early and even though still didn’t help me feel either full or refueled. Even this blog refused to save posts on my app or open the dashboard. I had to restart everything including the internet to get it working again. Thankfully, troubleshooting with a friend who helps me with the backend stuff here from time to time eventually got me to the completely inane solution. Sera has some mysterious hives that haven’t gone away even after I gave her allergy meds.
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I put Smol down for their last nap and then took Sera for a walk while PiC made a fun dinner with JB. Sera was just for company, she had already been walked in the afternoon. I hadn’t been out at all and that walk in the warm sun was much needed to work off the anxiety that had been eating me up all day.
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After dinner found us crawling around under the dinner table looking for the grape that JB insisted fell on the ground. We didn’t want to risk about dog and grape incident. Smol was so amused by the sight, they crawled over to attack me since I was vulnerable. They’re the triceratops of babies, putting their head down and charging with abandon and very little aim. This set off a round of JB trying to dogpile me too, and then after being admonished because the ultra excited baby was going to crack their head open on the table underside, they made it a game of running up and down the hallway while Smol cackled and pretended to charge them. The shrieks were so loud, Sera came over full of concern and tried to lick Smol’s face to fix them. PiC was in the other room and genuinely couldn’t tell if Smol was in delight or distress. The kids rampaged back and forth for a nonstop fifteen minutes until Smol got tired, slipped and fell against the side of the table and bonked their head a little. They reacted badly and JB went into hyper-soothing mode trying to calm them down. We kept reminding JB that it was just an accident and he would be ok but the screaming kind of undermined our message. Eventually Smol got over it and they went at it again for another several laps of chase and shriek. These kids. So loud.
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I had to work extra late. Boo.
Year 2, Day 191: 5 am wake up days are ruff.
Unrelated, probably: I can feel strain in every tendon in both hands, wrists and arms all the way up to my elbow, my knees feel twisted out of joint. At least I’m bilaterally even in my pain?
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Smol had another garbage short first nap and PiC had to take the first hour as I was putting out fires at work. (He normally does the early morning so I always try to take the first post-nap waking.) I took over in the second half and we went to walk off my stress energy. It was bubbling over inside and I’m glad that I remembered that the emergency on paper makes my body think we’re in danger, so STRESSSSSSS hormones flood my body. We had a slightly brutal walk uphill in the blissful heat, poor Smol was sweating by the time we got back even though all THEY did was sit in the stroller XD and Sera flopped under the table to sleep as if to say I GIVE UP.
It’s tough on my family who love the cooler temperatures but I adore these hotter days. We so rarely get them and they feel so good for my soul when we do.
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I was thinking about how the PF blogging community used to be, and I’m talking 10 and 15 years ago, so much more interesting. It was stories and people and experiences and shared commiserating and victory and strategy and there was so much heart and hope even among those of us working down a massive load of debt. Over the years there was a big shift to SEO and making money off your blog and the stories and conversations largely stopped. Some shifted to Twitter and most of the good stuff just went away. I miss that.
Year 2, Day 192: Started this day dramatically short on sleep because the pain spike was the worst it’s ever been. PiC meanwhile was sleep deprived after working late to ensure he’d be more flexible and able to mind Smol more today – all in a concerted effort for me to be able to get more work done earlier and catch a break later in the day. We’d hoped to do a sushi dinner but the timing didn’t work out with JB’s lesson and Smol’s nap needs. It’s ok, we can do it tomorrow. Luckily I was gifted 2 birthday meal deliveries from my favorite people and they came in very handy today. My temptation to cook was strong but it would have been a terrible over-extension. My body continues to ache all over and it was very much for the best that I didn’t cook.
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I wished for a quiet day and I mostly got it, topped off with a nice long shower (no soaking baths during a drought unless it’s truly needed) without any kid interrupting me, a super long hug with PiC that eventually JB wedged themselves into and a dinner I didn’t have to cook.
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A friend and I discussed health and wealth and crunched numbers wildly. My health lately hasn’t been better than middling, more than likely stress induced, and frankly, it’s starting to feel a lot like I’m running out of good years now. And these aren’t exactly peachy years, as far as health goes.
It was fun working through the what if scenarios to try and set up a possible future FI plan. I still can’t answer the healthcare question but I’m far enough away that it’s not terribly pressing at this stage. I just want to have a concrete medium term goal to work toward and I’ll trust that when we get close enough for it to be a reality, we’ll have better information on our healthcare options.
Also having a financial goal again after going so long without will a specific one should be a good distraction from feeling trapped.
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I can’t quite tell if my massive spike in pain this week was because we played too hard or because I scrubbed the dutch oven too much or what but I suppose it doesn’t matter. I’m supposed to focus on relaxing about the pain and not fussing about the cause. It’s supposed to help the flare move on more smoothly.
Year 2, Day 193: Super splurge birthday sushi and free cake day! I considered deferring the cake to the weekend because I didn’t feel like taking the time to pick it up (I had a coupon and we sometimes have to show ID for the coupon) but I think JB would have led a revolt. They were adamant that any birthday without cake and some foofarah is inadequate. They have clearly absorbed PiC’s mantra that SOME celebration has to happen on the actual day and not just be pushed off to the weekend like my family used to do. I suppose it’s not the worst rule to have.
I also like birthweek celebrations: spreading out the good stuff across a few days so as to avoid the happiness hangover and stretch the fun.
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For more fun and games, flu shots have arrived at the local clinics and we can go as early as this weekend! We need to figure out the most effective scream-deterrent. JB’s vocal range is not something I feel like testing out during the flu shots again. My ear drums still throb in memory of the last few sets of vaccines.
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In battling burnout and work stressors, I’ve been chanting “care less care less care less” to myself. Caring is how I do well for my staff but it’s also how I get too emotionally involved in outcomes. Then when the process is annoying or challenging, and I’m running on low sleep and high pain, well… No bueno.
Year 2, Day 194: Oh, kids. Smol. Little puppy did NOT eat enough yesterday so they woke up today at 5 and was a total mess until I fed them. They settled down almost immediately but I don’t have that trick. To top it off, JB tried to shake PiC awake, he who went to bed at 1:30 am, and was very unsuccessful. Their next gambit was to stand in our room and LOUDLY announce “It’s after 7 am!!”
Great. Good. We allllll needed to hear that including Smol who IMMEDIATELY responded to the call of the sibling and woke up. How has JB not learned that we NEVER wake the baby!
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I couldn’t focus today so it was all about household admin stuff: scheduling dentist appointments for JB (the next one and one for 6 months from now to make sure we get an after school slot), fixing a problem with Sera’s license, rescheduling Smol’s check up, scheduling a playdate for JB, rescheduling a lesson for JB, emailing Sanrio to see if we can set up a holiday present for my sister. Now I have to wrestle with a Treasure Direct form to get access to my account again and get a report from JB’s therapist. Once everything has been organized, I need to buy some i-bonds this November. I’ll use some of our emergency money because that’s not earning much interest right now and it still needs to be reasonably accessible. I had to go to the bank and the DMV as well. This day felt like garbage as far as getting professional work done, though of course I knocked out all the essentials, but I did move a whole lot of stuff off my to-do list.
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It occurs to me the bigger problem of burnout can be “treated” the same way as I’m dealing with daily anxiety and stressors. I’ve been practicing stopping and taking breaks to avoid adding fuel to the fire on a daily basis. I’m not sure how I can take breaks in life on a bigger scale but I can try to focus periodically on things that make me feel good instead of feel bad. So when I catch myself dwelling on things at work that make me mad, I step away mentally and think about things that I can do to feel good. Sometimes it’s writing a letter or a card to a friend. Sometimes it’s financial stuff. I’m always doing some direct aid of some kind.
I started tweaking our finances to funnel more money into our brokerage. I’m setting a goal for the next couple of years. While I have absolutely no good answers to the healthcare issue, I find my soul craves the comfort of feeling like there could be an end to this work thing in sight. A small plan to focus on one financial goal in aid of the early retirement puzzle is an adequate substitute for now since that’s the most realistic approach anyway. The bigger questions are out of my hands this far out.
:: Are your finances on autopilot right now? Are you fighting burnout? If so, what are you doing to help yourself?
I really don’t know if this is terrible and manipulative, but re JB and the shots and not screaming – would they respond to being the big kid and demonstrating to Smol how to go to the doctor and be a cooperative patient? Not asking them to not have feelings, but perhaps keep some control on those feelings?
Finances: I am filling up my bridge accounts so I can retire in 5 years and pay for my living expenses for the 5 years before I can touch retirement accounts. Orrrrrr I might quit my job and take a year off now, and then resume working (either at same or different company). So yes, I hear you on the notion of saving money in a brokerage account. I sure wish I could have just a minute or two with Future Me to find out how much money I truly need to have a comfortable retirement!
I had thought about that, I don’t think it’s terrible and manipulative, but I suspect it wouldn’t be strong enough to help because their screeching is so visceral. I mean, I get it, I was absolutely awful about facing my shots too. But I lived under pretty authoritarian parents so it’s so different figuring out what non-fear based focus to put in front of them.
Ooh! Bridge accounts FTW! Would it be reasonably easy to come back to work if you choose to take a year sabbatical?
Could it be an idea to agree with JB beforehand that they can scream as loudly as they need to, but that they need to do it into a small pillow or something that you bring with you, so as not to spook Smol (and other people)? You could even practice it at home.
(I have little experience with kids JB’s age so not sure if this is appropriate and practical or not.)
Maybe! We are definitely talking about how feeling scared is ok but screaming is not. But we are also aware that just telling a scared kid not to scream may not have the end result we want š¬ I just had this sudden mental image of looking like I’m smothering JB with a pillow during their vaccine and had to laugh, though.