By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (70)

October 4, 2021

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 197: What a day. Up three times to the piercing screams of a Very Sad Baby with a low grade fever, even though PiC was going to cover, because I can’t sleep through that ruckus and it’s really hard for one of us to medicate an uncooperative baby at night. He took the last call alone because I couldn’t move anymore but I couldn’t stop myself propelling my body out of bed automatically the first two times. Unintentional, but still. The damage was done.

Whatever it is that started the fever in Smol also left them with general fussiness (so many tears, soooo many tears) and a red nose. I can’t see any other obvious symptoms – no coughing or sneezing but they have cried so hard they’ve thrown up on me, twice. This is NOT our deal, child. Vomit –> PiC. Not Me. Sigh. At least it’s not sick vomit, and yes, there is a difference. And somehow it matters to my brain.

Of course the virus also took out my ability to function. Every millimeter aches, breathing hurts, my brain can only zero in on faults (that floor is filthy and needs to be scrubbed!), I’m feeling sad and angry and lonely and isolated. But I don’t want to talk to anyone because I’m angry and tired and hurting.

I’m sad that when this happens, the load all falls on PiC. I’m sad that I have a million dishes to keep spinning and when I’m sick, I cannot spin but half of them, if that. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling physically crappy and feeling emotionally like a scooped out husk of a fruit rind. I’m also mad that my body still cannot handle viruses.

Turns out, of course, Smol Acrobat does not like taking medicine, and found that alternating a few CCs of meds with a scoop of yogurt helps that medicine go down. I had to take the morning part since he had meetings he couldn’t cancel but thankfully PiC quickly took the rest of the day and tomorrow off so that he can be primary childminder and I can get some rest.

Smol had such a rough day, not even their favorite person could vanish all their woes, though there were some small moments of a smile breaking through. They didn’t eat but half their normal formula intake and hardly three bites of solids all day. After a rough bedtime, they woke an hour later screaming shrilly, and after a few minutes I broke down and just held them. They were looking for comfort and I coddled them for half an hour. I feel horrible myself, so it was hard not to want to give my baby some comforting even though I knew they’d need to go back to sleep in their crib. Thankfully their meds were working so the fever was down, their forehead cool, rather than the furnace hot it had been all day. They burrowed in my arms, then on my shoulder and I relished the cuddles as they’re rare. My kids are so active they don’t have time for this anymore. Eventually they dozed while laying on my torso and wiggle waggled their way off as they attempted to find a better sleep position. I slipped them into the crib and set off another round of high pitched screeching. This time they were tired enough to lay down after a few minutes, thankfully so I let out a tiny sigh of relief for this round at least.

Year 2, Day 198: I sort of planned last night a little better in that I was prepared for a 2 am wake up. That was about all that went “right” between 10 pm and 7 am.

PiC took another day to be in charge of Smol so I could try to recover. As I rested, unable to sleep, I found notes from this day 3 years ago of all the things that frustrated me. Funny, not funny haha. Some of them are the same.

– Fill this damn job opening
– Frustrated with work, just want to stop working (depression?)
– #2? Just 1?!?!?? how can we do pregnancy + labor + afford daycare + formula + college savings for 2?
– Mortgage is $XXX,000 where the first X is large.
– Our monthly nut is ridiculous
– Climate change, do we need to move in 10-20 years?
– Need more income to invest
– Need more income to give
– Need more income to pay for house repairs / maintenance
– Budget for Big Vacation.
– Dogs are $$$$
– Sera needs a LOT more training

#1 and 2: still hold true. PiC chimed in today, yes I can do the retired life right now! Yesterday even! I told him I’d run it up the chain. To … me. Looking back three years, we have made giant strides to
I guess we went ahead with #3 without too many answers to the sub-questions. Turns out this kid doesn’t eat nearly as much as JB so formula isn’t quite as terrible an expense as it was before.
#4 and 5 are still true and still annoying but less prominently now that we have refied to a sub-3% interest rate and I’m growing our investments before paying down the mortgage.
6. Probably. I have seen some truly horrifying information on the projected sea level rising over the next 50 years.
7-9. also true still.
10. That one’s done, no real thought taken as to future travel but I’m guesstimating we need about $2000 for booking holiday stuff and then 2022 is a whole lot as well.
11. Seamus was, and worth every penny. We haven’t spent hundreds at the vet every month in a bit, though. JB still counts the days since he died.
12. Hey we have improvement on this one! Actual noticeable improvement!

Year 2, Day 199: What an absolutely terrible night. I was up with Smol four times. They were just heartbreakingly sad and needed cuddles. I can barely feel my arms today. That’s actually a good thing, when I DO feel them, it’s going to be excruciating pain.

*****

I have a conundrum. I feel most in “control” (you know, pseudo control, not real control because we know that’s iffy at best) when I have a plan. Plans are comforting. But on days of stress and frustration like now, having a long range plan that isn’t coming to fruition right now is even MORE frustrating. I’m not finding any comfort in the thing that used to bring me the most comfort.

Maybe this is one of those times that a well established coping mechanism is working against me instead of for me. Fifteen years ago, obsessing over money meant I could see every tiny penny that I could reap to shore up my finances. Today, going back to that goal-setting and close-scrutiny strategy is only heightening my rage and frustration. Maybe it’s bringing back those feelings of helplessness and sadness that I was steeped in. Or maybe focusing my attention on what I can’t have (yet) isn’t generating aspirational feelings, instead it’s like telling Smol not to lick the floor. I REALLY WANT THAT. I mean, I don’t want to lick the floor. But my instinctive yearning is that similarly strong.

Maybe I should formulate the big plans so we have our rough road map and then step back from the projections. Maybe the projections remind me that I don’t have any control over the future, a feeling that is especially stark now with the pandemic and no childcare and no idea when PiC has to go on site for work, and that’s just compounding the frustration over all the things I don’t have control over.

Maybe it’s best to try focusing on small day to day good things to stop feeding the stress. I suspect this principle of not torturing myself when the going is hard will have to be learned over and over and over.

Good thing: one of our potato containers has several potato plants sprouting! Exciting!

Another good thing: I really really like all the adorable art shared by @pikaole.

*****

Back to worrying about Smol. They normally consume 20-30 ounces of formula a day and a fair bit of solids. They’ve only had ten ounces a day and eschew solids most days since Sunday, and that’s with much urging on our part. They’re not dehydrated but we’re keeping a sharp eye for it and continuing to push liquids as much as possible. Their mouth really hurts and their tongue hurts and we’re just a bit of a disaster this week.

Year 2, Day 200: How do you shut off the nagging voices in your head when they keep replaying annoying work situations? While I’ve done a decent job of training myself to leave work in work hours and ignoring it between times, there are instances of annoyances and hate projects in progress that will sit in my chest like a giant lump and ambush me with fuss when I think I’m relaxing or otherwise occupied.

How do you tell the work stuff to go away and only come back to mind when it’s work time? I know part of this is me processing the right answers when I’m not directly working on it and that actually helps but I also hate that the rude annoying people get wedged in my craw so that I’m in a funk when I’m not at my desk.

This might be related to my need to learn to exist in the moment. Does meditation help with that?

*****

PiC saw that the rash of catalytic converter thefts in the region have picked up again. They’re targeting older cars, like ours, in the 16-20 year old range. We don’t park on the street now but it definitely makes us very wary of ever parking on the street.

*****

I got another bump of bad news at work today and I am now strangely Zen about it all. Everything sucks, ok, starting that project all over again. Great. I talked to JB and shared my disappointment in general terms. They shared their disappointment about not getting to participate in something because we hadn’t sent in a pledge for their walkathon yet. We nodded and did our best to move along with the day.

*****

Smol’s day was a roller coaster of good and bad. They chortled for the first time in a couple days over dinner, most dinners this week have been miserable affairs because they are sad and in pain. But JB did something silly so OF COURSE they cracked up. Thank goodness.

JB had one of those bizarrely good days where our communications mostly went well and though we didn’t agree on everything, we found a good middle ground for almost every situation. It was really nice. Maybe that’s why I was able to be Zen about another meteor crashing down on me at work, stuff at home wasn’t in conflict for once even if poor Smol was still a mess.

Year 2, Day 201: Each night this week I’ve tried to put the day to bed and let the new day dawn and be open to positive developments. Each night this week has kicked me in the teeth.

I’m struggling to find that balance between prioritizing my health and not letting my primary source of income crash and burn too badly because unlike normal people, one or two sick days won’t make a dent in my well being. I need weeks. That’s not really sustainable even in normal times.

Maybe it feels impossible because it kind of IS impossible to live with a chronically broken immune system and feel like there’s a comfortable give and take between full time work that pays the bills and the work that keeps life living and it just has to be taken one moment at a time. Not like I have much other choice now, is there? *stares intently at bank accounts*

So I take a minute to really wash my face and put some lotion on. I’ve not done that simple act of moisturizing in I don’t know how long. It gives me a breath of a break. And back into the fray with my incessantly sobbing baby.

*****

It helps absolutely nothing that I’m on a new aligner and this HURTS. I’m in the last quarter set of the treatment and I don’t suppose I had any inkling of what it’d be like but I’d HOPED it’d be a little less painful. Nope. OUCH.

*****

In direct contravention of my dietary changes of the past two years, I’m leaning hard into sugar to keep me alive today. Candy, specifically. The quick energy is desperately needed, not just for the expediency but also because I’m so tired I’m nauseated. One good thing is that as I dig deep in brain therapy, there have been changes to how my body reacts to foods and it appears that there is more dietary shifting in my future, in a good way. I may be getting real sugar and some carbs back but losing the ability to tolerate fake sugar which is kind of odd.

:: I hope your week was much better than mine. Share something good or fun or funny?

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