Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (71)
October 11, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 204: I don’t know why but I notice that I’m irritated by effusive reactions over how terribly I feel from relatives who choose not to vaccinate (not to be confused with folks who cannot, like our kids and immunocompromised folks). It’s not my choice to make for them but these days, with the pandemic raging on and killing and hurting so many, it feels like the latter is such a selfish and politically driven choice that I can’t help but feel reactive to it. I think my core self rejects sympathy from them because it doesn’t feel like it could be real? I don’t know. I suppose it doesn’t matter, I’m just noticing the feelings and now hopefully releasing them to the winds.
Actually. Before I release them, I think I do get it. Because if I want to see them, their refusal to get vaccinated feels a whole lot more personal now. Because they know how vulnerable I am, even more so than Smol because it’s quite possible that Smol has a working immune system but I don’t. And while they’re not obligated to care enough about me to get vaccinated and help a sister out, it’s clear they don’t care enough about me to get vaccinated and help a sister out. Whatever their personal wants are, they’re more important than my needs.
That’s why it feels insincere. There’s nothing I can do or say about it since that call is their own, but it feels wrong.
*****
On a commercial for a university, the narrator says: “The world equally distributes talent, but it doesn’t equally distribute opportunity.” It made me think of this post I’d just read from Jim at Route to Retire: “Many times folks want to attribute financial success to one’s background. …. I don’t buy into that. I’ve already said that you need to play the hand you’re dealt to live the life you dream and I meant that.”
Later in the comments he agrees with me that what you do matters, so does where you start from, and so does luck. So he and I agree. But initially it made me flash back to all the PF bloggers who argued that it’s ONLY down to what you do with what you have, and that your background has nothing to do with your successes. That group overlaps with the group that thinks everything in this world is merit based, microaggressions don’t exist, and that diversity is pandering to the masses rather than leveling a heavily tilted playing field. It’s weird.
Year 2, Day 205: I was struck by a realization today. Yesterday, a friend played sounding board for a family holiday communication and scheduling dilemma. Basically a part of my family that I miss and wanted to see, but has been adamantly anti COVID vax, and only masks when required, hasn’t been answering my messages for months. The last time was when I asked a direct question about gifts they’d sent for the kids. So I messaged a direct question about holiday plans and it’s been crickets for weeks. In the interim, I’ve seen other parts of the family and I didn’t think we had an issue since they readily agreed to all staying masked for both my sake and the baby’s sake. I’m immunocompromised enough that I truly can’t take risks and they all know that.
Friend thinks they’re shunning me quietly because of how I’m choosing to protect myself and my baby. They may be right. Their views to other equally careful family have been expressed I suppose my therapist would ask me what would happen if I more directly confronted them about it. But I don’t want to.
I realized today that I’m already pretty hurt by the utter lack of response, no matter the reason. Whatever I do to press the issue now, and whatever they say, won’t make me feel better. There’s nothing serious going on or I’d have heard about it, so that means this is a choice. And pressing the issue may just make me feel worse.
It hit me that I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t matter because it’s my old defense mechanism. If I don’t matter then it doesn’t matter that they don’t care enough about me to work out a compromise. That they don’t care enough about us to meet in the middle. I’m not pushing them to get vaccinated. I think they should but I’m keeping that to myself. I’ve only pressed the person I’m closest to and that’s because they haven’t ever said they were against it, and said they would get it if it meant they could see us.
But I am hurt anyway despite my attempt to distance myself and put myself down to protect myself. Because it doesn’t work. Even if I don’t matter to them, they matter to me and it hurts that this is where we are.
All over again, I feel unloved and isolated in ways that have nothing to do with the restrictions of the pandemic even though it is because of the pandemic. I thought we were family and I thought we mattered. It’s really incredibly sad that this is where we are.
*****
Our weather has officially shifted gears into sweatpants all the time season. I normally get a single week that’s really nice and warm but we only got two days this year. I relished it and then pulled out the sweats. I also hit my minimum threshold for Smol’s calorie intake for the day so we have a HOPE of making it through the night a little better.
Year 2, Day 206: Smol did NOT make it through the night but they did manage to sleep from 1030 to 4 am and that was the longest stretch they’ve gone in … two weeks? I’m not rested but that one stretch was just about life-altering. I had the energy to take the kids for a walk midday, to make lunch, and get through the midday stretch with the baby.
*****
Have I mentioned that I am so bad at sharing my space? I adore PiC to pieces and I still hate sharing my office. I’m no longer mentally fit to be in the traditional workspace. But it’s interesting to hear him telling coworkers how he feels about things as they are. It shows me another aspect of how good he is at coping even though working remotely is very much not his thing. This situation is super hard on both of us and we’re not pretending that it’s not.
*****
We both got some sleep the past two nights – not nearly enough to address our sleep debt – BUT enough for me to feel like a full dang human again for the first time in two weeks. It’s hard to believe that I’d already forgotten what it physically feels like to have energy to do just a bit more than the bare minimum. I walked the dog twice today, picked up JB so PiC could get through a gnarly work thing (plus he forgot about minimum day), and wasn’t just a shadow of myself by 5 pm. Tired yes, but not the undead. Is this what normal people feel like?? It’s GLORIOUS.
Year 2, Day 207: I’m still very worried for a dear friend caught in the grip of a chronic illness flare up. That’s nibbling away at my consciousness as I try to give them the space they need and also provide support and love from afar.
Related: I am working on managing my coping with stress over things I cannot control by alternating between hobby thing and work thing so that I don’t let work stress doubly amplify the tension I’m carrying in my body.
It sort of worked. I had to take a walk, cook, and wash a lot of dishes to help dissipate that anxiety energy but today was full of unexpected turns, some good and some bad, and the constant shifts had my innards all twisted up. By midday I just really wanted to check out. I couldn’t of course, no such luxury when understaffed at work and at home. Kids still need minding, feeding, picking up from school, more feeding. Even with an unenthusiastic eater, we seem to always be feeding someone.
*****
I did have a moment today, sitting with Smol and playing, where I remembered viscerally how much I love babies. This stage is both the most painful and the most dear to my heart. I just adore babies. Never want to have another one but I love their little cheeks and gummy grins and inquisitive fingers and ticklish bellies and weird little quirks. Those little chuckles, and the chortles, and the belly laughs. I just love them.
Year 2, Day 208: The sleep debt collector is BRUTAL. Smol made it from 8 pm to 4 am, and the five or six hours of sleep I had within that range is much more than I’ve had in two weeks but that’s precisely why my body responded with all the oomph of a frozen engine when I tried to peel myself off the mattress. I’d already hit the wall and slid down the side of it earlier this week, now that I’m getting any sleep, my body craves as much of it as I can get. Thank goodness PiC had gotten enough sleep to handle the 4 am – ??? shift until I was more than 2% conscious.
*****
I looked up auto loans at Ally, USAA, Chase, Citi and the local credit union. Ally just annoyed me, they directed me to go talk to a dealer first and then arrange financing. That’s the opposite of what I want. Citi’s links were broken so I didn’t bother to pursue that further. USAA had a great sub-1.89% APR but the loan approval is only good for 45 days. Their rep talked me through a workaround to give me an extra month though, and so that’s promising. They also have a really fast underwriting process so I can wait until a vehicle is actually available before I apply. Chase has a 2.76% APR, and the local credit union has a 2.49% APR.
I’m sticking with USAA.
*****
It’s so cold today that I made myself a cup of tea and drank it. Normally I make a cup of tea, forget about it for 6 hours, reheat it, then forget about again for 6 hours. The second mug I forgot about, though.
I can relate to the feeling around refusal to vaccinate when you are immunocompromised. It hurts. My parents are very clear with extended family members, when we are talking about the holidays. They wouldn’t invite people over who are not vaccinated, given their age risk & other factors, but they would never put me at risk. We have unvaccinated family members, and the way they’ve behaved during the pandemic makes me sad. I’ll leave that there. It’s really sad.
I know it’s personal, but it’s hard not to feel it.
I have a suppressed immune system too. I don’t look sick and I don’t usually behave like I’m sick (I just stay home on the challenging days). I take medications that suppress my immune system due to an autoimmune reaction in my lungs. I’ve learned not to take personally the fact that others in my circle choose not to be vaccinated. I am only able to control and protect myself and choose not to socialize in person with others who choose differently than myself.
I read something recently from a nurse practicing on the front lines of the Covid 19 debacle. Her thought is: it isn’t her place to judge how or why people came to her to be cared for, the people need care & that’s what she provides without judgement.
I think that’s how I choose to live my life, not to judge whether other people’s behavior is an apparent choice not to consider my needs, but for me to make sure I’m doing the best I can to protect myself from an infection. I’m trying hard not take things so personally. Much, much harder to practice than to think some days.
I agree. I try really hard to practice the same but it is a lot harder these days. I keep striving to find my inner peace nonetheless.
I struggle with knowing that my sister will not be able to attend my mother’s funeral And I fear that it is coming sooner than I would like.