By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (75)

November 8, 2021

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 232: So the good news? Smol slept in until 730 am!!

The bad news is I woke up every hour because of internal temperature fluctuations, I’d wake up in a sweat, then wake up freezing, and then leapt out of bed at 1 am startled because my subconscious brain was positive that something was wrong. By 9 am, my entire body was fatigued beyond belief.

But Smol’s sleeping in was so much appreciated.

*****

JB was so wiped from the day before that they slept in until 930 which was both surprising and appreciated too, just in a different way.

They are grumpy that there’s laundry to put away again. Yeah shocking how with two kids there’s always some laundry to put away, isn’t it? Also shocking there’s always food to be cooked and dishes to wash as well. Life requirements, so tiresome!

*****

Light rain all day. I’m glad for the gentleness, we need the rain but the heavy rains bring worries of floods.

*****

My doctor’s office wanted me to take the 13 question questionnaire meant to ferret out depression and can I ask if there’s anyone who isn’t feeling most of those things every day? As an example: Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless; Little interest or pleasure in doing things; Feeling tired or having little energy; Feeling nervous, anxious or on edge. Yes, yes, yes, and yes…. who isn’t??

I function but of course I feel all these things every single day.

A friend pointed out that it’s the people who ignore the pandemic and just live like nothing’s changed who aren’t experiencing this. They’re probably right and that ticks me off too. This could have been so much better, and we could be back to some semblance of a safer normal, if it weren’t for people acting like we aren’t in a deadly pandemic.

I can’t help but feel bitter that the tide shifted from alarm and attention to the “fuck them, I’m fine” attitude the moment the data started showing that this affects PoC more than white people. And it’s not like they were hiding it. They just came right out and said so.

*****

This is the second night Smol has developed a rash over their whole body. It happened right after dinner last night and again tonight. They were fine by this morning, so I’m hoping it’ll be fine again tomorrow but it’s so odd.

Year 2, Day 233: Up at 620 am with Smol, I decided foolishly to put a giant spike in my morning by trying to call the IRS and figure out this error we’ve been going back and forth with them over for a year. It felt like everything went wrong from that terrible decision, but I think that was mainly because I was in a terrible mood over losing 40 precious morning routine minutes for absolutely no benefit. Breakfast was rushed, Smol’s bottles weren’t prepped before we left. Smol was grouchy that PiC went into his 8 am meeting, my neck muscle was tender and threatening to quit.

But if I take a second to think about it: JB got ready without whining, asked for help with hair politely, got through breakfast and didn’t whine when I cut off breakfast time so we wouldn’t be running out the door late. We left nearly on time, made it to school on time, and Smol didn’t fight their nap much when we got back and get them settled.

It just felt like everything went right because half the things we did were missed or wrong and half were right. Funny how the half that was wrong shines through much brighter than the right half, huh?

*****

I was thinking about how disenchanted I feel with the job right now. Is disenchanted the word? No, it might be more like “utterly fed up and over it.” I wondered if it would be better if I could offload the tasks I hate most right now. Except almost every aspect of my job has potential for high annoyance on any given day. And that’s in large part due to the never ending relentless nature of some parts of it, and in large part due to the recruiting aspect that I hate with every fiber of my being. That’s two large pieces that, in the face of an also relentless and seemingly neverending pandemic, overrides the positive things about the job on a daily basis much like how my morning seemed all bad when it was probably more like 50% bad.

I also think about how it puts my back up to hear people saying “people don’t want to work” disparagingly. It gets my dander up every time. Guess what? NEITHER DO I. I’m sick of people equating needing paid sick leave, less stress, better working conditions, better child and elder care support and the like is a form of entitlement or a sign of laziness. I don’t want to work! And I’m in a well compensated job where I command a certain amount of respect and operate with a decent amount of autonomy. These are good conditions compared to a lot of others. Of course people in service jobs don’t want to be in service jobs anymore when they’re poorly paid, treated like crap, and have no paid leave. I used to work jobs like that and that experience was a huge motivation to get the hell out of there for good reasons. People are the good reason. People can be so so awful.

*****

Smol had two amazing naps today. 3.5 hours and 2.5 hours. I would like to nap like that!

*****

DOPAMINE RUSH: As a reward for getting a lot of work done today and to reset my brain (instead of trying to sit down to my desk to get more ahead on work), I gave myself ten minutes to learn the next steps of using the sewing machine. It’s taken several weeks for me to find time to figure out how to wind a bobbin, how to install the bobbin and how to thread the needle. Winding the bobbin was the most foreign concept and took the absolute longest. I’ll need a whole supply of them so I can keep in practice or else I’ll be relearning how to something something the wheel again every three bobbins.

Tonight I had to figure out how to raise the pressor foot, how to reattach the pressor foot (because on my first fumble around trying to figure out where the pressor foot lever I vaguely remembered was I instead pressed the wee little lever to release the foot and stared at the now loose pressor foot in horror and shock), and finally! How to sew my first seam! I had a pinch of muscle memory left as I lowered the foot and stepped on the pedal but not nearly enough to make any of the preceding steps less painfully slow. Nevertheless! Success! I went to bed with the heady victory of sewing one almost straight seam. Tis the small stuff that matters, right?

Year 2, Day 234: JB’s much anticipated dental appointment went ok but they came home displeased that their teeth felt funny afterwards. Yeah that’s a sign we need to do better brushing and flossing! I’m hoping they aren’t doing a 180 attitude turn. They used to love the dentist and this is the first time they’ve been lukewarm about it afterwards.

*****

We had $600 in car repairs this week, which didn’t feel great, especially combined with our chosen ten year anniversary celebratory thing: family pictures. We’re hiring an old friend who’s done our pictures in the past. Her rates, unsurprisingly, have gone up a lot in the past several years. She’s great! It’s also a lot! But I’d much prefer to pay a friend for their great work than a stranger so we’re doing it.

Our total bills are going to kick over the cash flow for a little while though.

Year 2, Day 235: Whew Smol, AKA our alarm clock, slept in until 720 am and it felt both glorious and confusing. It was also stressy because we had to hustle to get everyone moving on time. JB slept in until 740 when their alarm is set for 7, so I’ve put an end to that. They’ve been clearly instructed to get up no later than 5 minutes after their alarm. No more of this laying about for 35+ minutes and then being in a tizzy until we get off to school.

*****

I’m feeling sad this week. I think it’s about our isolation. Of course it is self imposed to protect our health while we’re not all vaccinated, and Smol cannot mask, but it’s still hard to bear. It’s been almost two years, with overwork and a pregnancy and a new baby during that time, and almost no community support. It’s hard watching people going about their lives as if everything is normal again – socializing, having holiday meals, having more babies, having childcare, having family support, traveling – and continuing on our own path of relative solitude.

We have each other but it’s lonely. It’s mixed with the sadness of missing my usual loved ones who are absent from our lives right now in all ways. They’re dealing with their own loss and grief and I don’t begrudge them the time and space they need. I just miss them.

I want the support during the hard times but even more, I want to share the good fun silly times. I catch myself wanting to text a picture or an anecdote and then remember they’re out of touch.

I’m realizing this reminds me strongly of other big times in my life I felt so alone. Graduating from college, preparing for our wedding, looking for a wedding dress, starting new jobs. I didn’t have much or any community for those events. I suspect it’s a short hop from feeling alone and unloved to feeling like I’m not worthy of love. That’s an uncomfortable feeling.

Year 2, Day 236: On days when we have our act together, we have developed a reasonable morning routine which I’m sure will be broken up and reshuffled again come January. We’re expecting PiC to be called in to work on site some days of the week in the new year and we have to hope that daycare offers us a spot at the same time as when he needs to go back. I was going to say I don’t know what I’m going to do on the days he’s gone because I’d be managing school pick up midday and Smol alone but … I think there should be enough flexibility in his return that he can go back only after we secure daycare. I know he’d already told them he’d only be on site when we have childcare, to lighten the load on me, so we’d continue to share the baby-chasing on the at home days. I still hold the conflicting feelings of gratitude for having an equal partner and jobs that are flexible enough for us to work around our needs to some degree and also horribly tired from constantly being on and on the go. We are making the best of what we have, and we have more than most.

Meanwhile JB has some learning activities scheduled after school everyday because we want them to be engaged in learning and also literally buy ourselves time to work. Some days go better than others. Today was not that day. They were desperate for a round of card games, we were desperate to finish enough work to call it a day. They were angry that we couldn’t stop to play and alternatively, if we were too busy to juggle work and play more than we do, that we didn’t put them in the aftercare program. That was hardly an option! The wait list was 200 deep BEFORE COVID. I suspect they’re in for a series of disappointments as we apply each year and don’t get in. They always prioritize kids with siblings already in the program so I don’t see how we’ll get a spot. Sorry, JB.

*****

JB’s got a new game with Smol when they go greet the waking baby and, naturally, they both love it. JB will pick up the blanket and throw it over Smol’s head shouting something incomprehensible. Smol will leap forward with zero visibility and run into the bars of the crib like as not. Both cackle wildly. Rinse and repeat.

When I went to fetch Smol, they sat and grinned at me, then picked up the nearest fabric object in the crib and stuck it on their head, covering their face as if to indicate the game they wanted to play. Sure enough, when I held up the big blanket to ask if they wanted to play, they wanted in. What a silly game.

:: I hope everyone’s safe and adjusted today after the time change. I hate the time changes, can we just pick one and be done??

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