Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (96)
April 4, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 10: Somehow, it’s never easier in the way you’d think it’ll be when just one of us has the day off. One of us is trying to use that time to get a lot of work done and then overdoes it, leaving the other one to overdo it with childcare and meal prep, and then everyone’s grumpy.
On top of that, Mondays are definitely the day you find out that someone screwed up two months ago. That despite your weekly confirmations that progress was being made on this project and finding out that not only was it not being made, it was never going to be worked on ever, and all your reassurances to dozens of stakeholders that it would be ready soon were wrong. Yes definitely a Monday thing. Chewed up precious precious time I did not have to spare. Chewed up patience I did not have to spare. Harumph.
Today felt like Friday. It was not.
*****
Smol times… While this is my favorite age range for babies/toddlers, it’s also the time they start the real tantrums when thwarted and it lasts longer than the time it takes to distract them with something else that’s shiny. They’re also really quick to spot anything you’re holding and declaring they MUST SEE IT. So thaaaat’s fun.
They’re so fond of Sera and I love it but Sera is still coping with, rather than enjoying, it. I always wanted JB to be cuddly with Seamus who would have cuddled back, but they were too busy getting into trouble, they didn’t truly appreciate Seamus until they were older. Smol though, Smol will go visit Sera on her bed regularly, try to cuddle up to her, is hellbent on landing a kiss on her nose someday if only she’d hold still and not ruin their aim by licking.
Today, they dug out some cute socks from the laundry and tossed them to her, then signed “eat”. I said no, dogs shouldn’t eat socks, honey. They bent down to touch the sock, signed “eat” again more emphatically, then reached down to touch Sera’s paw. Ohhhh!! They occasionally use the “eat” sign to mean “do a thing” because they don’t really have any other verb signs, other than “read”. They wanted me to put socks on Sera’s feet. π Sera politely ignored the request.
We need a cuteness now:
νμ€ν°νΈμ λ Έλμμ΄λκΉ 2μΈλ λ°λμ λ Έλκ³ μμ΄ μλ?(?) pic.twitter.com/Ss9sfD0qbh
β νμ₯ (@morning_ggh) March 29, 2022
Year 3, Day 11: I have had a hankering for a treat or something special for weeks. The tedium of work work work parenting parenting parenting stress stress stress works work work is getting to me. But I also knew that no special treat donuts or day trip is going to cure what ails me. My body and soul are thoroughly exhausted.
I’ve always hesitated to take any breaks during high stress because I can’t imagine coming back from any break feeling refreshed or even wanting to return. It’s not that I wouldn’t return, we can’t afford for me to be a SAHM right now even if I wanted to. It’s that feeling I get when I step away from my desk to tend to home things, and then have to drag myself back to work. Coming back from the weekend involves a whole lot of soul-deep groaning and deep breathing. It feels like a whole self inflicted wound to step away only to have to come back again.
My therapist made a point about this that I’ve been mulling over for some while, particularly this week, as I finally took a couple days off for the first time in about three years. She thinks that I drive myself so hard in my day to day that no break is going to be enough. That starts to make a certain kind of sense. I’ve never tried to function at a less intense level so this is all foreign territory but I’m contemplating what that could look like. But also how does one reduce intensity AND still get everything done that needs to get done? My longer-term to do list still feels a mile long while I’m just about keeping up with our daily juggles. I have no answer yet but maybe it’s good enough to have a question to start.
*****
JB’s first day of sports camp went well. They’re pleased to have made a new friend because of course they did. They reported that one of the kids was a bully who killed pillbugs. I don’t like that. Don’t kill pillbugs!
But they enjoyed the sportsing and I’m glad of it.
*****
We quizzed Smol tonight: can you say mama? Dada?
They looked at us with clear amusement. Eyes flicked from me to PiC and back. Their lips curved up in the slightest of smiles.
We asked again, who’s mama? Who’s dada?
Silent eye smiles.
Is this mama?
Yah!
Is this dada?
Yah!
After a few minutes it was clear they’re not gonna give it up. I’m honestly a little concerned that maybe they’re developmentally behind. They’ve not hit any of the major milestones common to last month’s growth. Trying not to dwell on it too much.
*****
Today felt like Friday. It was not.
Year 3, Day 12: I was lucky twice over – today and yesterday, Smol had a reasonably decent first nap which let me organize my work day and fly through a substantial amount of work in those uninterrupted 100 minutes. My goal each day was to finish “enough” work and to keep my shoulders from cementing around my ears.
Mostly I succeeded. Partly because PiC has taken the bear’s share of parenting and meal prep this week to make it possible for me to cram six days of work into three. Partly because the long term solutions to huge problems that came up last year are slowly slotting into place. We’re still months away from peaceful stasis but we’re finally going in the right direction and we’re benefiting from some little part of that now. And maybe even partly because I’ve got the bee in my bonnet about quality of life across the board.
*****
A friend was so sweet and sent me a gift card for books when I lamented my poor timing on holds that’s left me with book 5 in a series while book 4 is 2 weeks out. I missed the acceptance date by one day! *shakes fist* But that delightful gift was an amazing pick me up. It was both gift and permission to get something that is just for pure pleasure and that’s not a thing I’m great with.
*****
Many friends are enjoying time off for spring break or adults only travel and I appreciate their travel pictures since we’re homebound for the foreseeable future. I keep hoping and hoping we’ll have a vaccine in time to get a spot at daycare and hoping and hoping that I’ll feel comfortable about the level of protection from the vaccine. All that hope is also directed at maybe getting to travel to see family as well. But all this hinges on what currently feels like a flimsy leaf.
*****
It felt like Friday today and I get to act like it is!
Year 3, Day 13: On first sight of me this morning, Smol scolded like a blue jay and shook their finger at me in the manner reminiscent of “you monkey you, give me back my caps!” We haven’t even read that book to them yet but it’s eerily similar.
*****
Since I started weekly investing last year or so, I’ve been checking the price of VTSAX constantly. I just like to know the price I’m buying at even if it changes absolutely nothing. Call it my investing comfort blanket?
*****
This was my first day off in more than 2 years. Maternity leave does NOT count, there was nothing restful or relaxing about that period, it was almost all stress and pain. But today was different. I had all the childminding to do as usual. I spent almost two hours working on a shipment for a new Lakota family in dire straits and got 2/3 through the paperwork for JB’s summer camp.
After Smol and I went for a long walk with Sera and they played in the backyard, and lunched, I even had time to lay down and rest! Because I was tired!
Then I rolled over an account that had been on hold for PiC to deal with for years. I have now dealt with it!
It wasn’t all rush rush rush rush. This one day off has completely gone to my head. You mean that reducing my daily load means that it’s possible to want to have a conversation at day’s end and not be a snarled up ball of internal screaming??
Who needs to travel with all the planning and packing and logistics? just let me subtract the W2 commitments but keep the income and benefits. That’d be a fantastic vacation.
In all seriousness though, this is the approximate level of work and stress we can live with day to day in a healthy way. What a stark reminder that this current reality where both of us are working and tied up in knots doing absolutely nothing well enough is the Worst Timeline and there were better ones.
Year 3, Day 14: Finally, this hair tie around my wrist is no longer any use to me. Since it’s my second day off in years, and I’m more tired of my Saruman hair than I am against going to a new hair person, we decided I should take part of the afternoon and do something about it. My appointment with the chatty older hairdresser lady was surprisingly entertaining. Her prior client and the one after me were both quite chatty and friendly as well, so it was amusing but oh goodness. Between that and the one extra stop at the bakery, every molecule of my body aches. I see my chronic fatigue is still going strong. Oh but my friend on my foot, this massively painful swelling that makes it hurt to bend my toes, seems to be shrinking down a bit!
So that’s some good news.
My favorite part of today was not having a schedule for a couple hours. I laid down and rested when I needed it because nothing else was much more pressing. There is cleaning and tidying to but it can wait a bit.
I’ve wondered for the past two years what it’d be like to be able to rest when I needed it and wow does it hit the spot.
It is worrying how much of that rest I need still but that answers one question at least.
