By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (120)

September 19, 2022

Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 3, Day 178: My subconscious has been working overtime, throwing up increasingly worse scenarios in my nightmares. Is this a response to the global and the personal stresses all piling up?

Today’s nightmare was becoming paralyzed and having to cope with extreme loss of physical functioning while thinking about how keeping me alive and cared for would financially devastate my family. At no point in my nightmare did the thought that they might still want me around occur. I was wholly focused on the terrible consequences (mental, emotional, financial) of survival. Ugh. An extreme version of my life now, maybe this was my subconscious trying to pull the ripcord on all the therapy and restart my usual hypervigilance? I’ve been doing better at derailing that spiral consciously but the subconscious is powerful. Dear friend helped me short circuit the spiral by pointing out I could just as easily get hit by a bus and die suddenly as this happening. Weirdly, that worked.

Related fun: My eye started twitching on Friday and it hasn’t stopped. 🧐 Stress? Fatigue? Something else new?

Anyway today was a Mommy and Smol day. PiC had to work on site, JB had school, Smol doesn’t have daycare until tomorrow. Their rare late wake up was much appreciated as I was on Smol duty from 8:30 until they napped at 1. We did all the things: ran the vacuum, cleaned Sera’s ears, played outside, weeded, gardened, threw a ball for Sera, took her for a short walk, ate snacks and read some books.

Immediately after they settled in for a nap, I dashed through as much work as I could.

Our vacationing friend delivered surprise fresh caught, ready to cook, fish, neatly answering my question of “what other small thing should I add to this dinner of leftovers?” Breaded and air fried fish! Excellent. It hit the spot and by 650, my entire me was done done done. Such a high energy day.

Year 3, Day 179: Dropoff was still hard today, but a little better. I brought tiny stickers and offered them each time Smol started to balk. It worked to mitigate some of the tears but didn’t stop them when Smol realized that we were probably going to leave them there. Pick-up seemed better too, though pick-up isn’t usually the problem, they were much more animated and actually ran over to us to say hi. Seems like they had a better day than last week.

*****

I’m trying to not feel regret over running out of brainpower early last week. I could have booked our Moderna boosters for early October. Sadly, decision fatigue ate my brain so I didn’t. When it recovered enough, the appointments were all gone. Now only Pfizer is available: “Moderna bivalent booster supply is temporarily delayed.” Drats.

*****

Did I ever tell you about the time I helped a girl dump her homophobic boyfriend without even meaning to?

Buckle up, it’s a Monday thread:

Our kiddos used to go to a preschool in a converted old house. By the time we got there it was a full sanitizable-surfaces and

— S. Bear Bergman (@sbearbergman) September 12, 2022

Year 3, Day 180: Smol had a better drop off today! PiC took them in today and while they still showed distress at the front door, and inside, they didn’t immediately start sobbing. In fact, they allowed themselves to be redirected and joined the group for some small group time after a snack. That was huge progress. They seemed to have a better day overall too: they are making friends, playing with the others, eating more of the food served by the center. They’re even less tired when they get home.

*****

JB has been working through a frenemy situation at school and PiC and I are fighting every kneejerk reaction to try and point them in the direction of making better choices for themselves. We aren’t forbidding them to play with that kid like we want (because we’re tired of hearing all the complaints). We keep asking them questions like how it makes them feel to spend time with X (someone who clearly disrespects their boundaries and space) and contrasting that behavior with the kids they’re actually friends with. It’s making me feel a little batty trying to stay calm and help them navigate a situation that feels big and important to them when I find it all very irritating and seems easy (from the outside) to solve by just not playing with that kid!

They claim that even when they don’t want to play with that kid, the kid follows them around and pesters them anyway. I don’t know how much of this is totally accurate but it’s slowly making me lose it.

This morning, I attempted to point them in a more positive direction of “let’s see who you can play with that is fun and respects you, have a good day byyyyeeeee”.

After school we talked about how, even if this kid is only sometimes a jerk, we should probably be more careful about spending time with people who treat you like crap the other half of the time.

*****

Overcoming yesterday’s decision fatigue and frustration with myself, I booked both of us for the Pfizer booster in early October.

I’m also realizing that next week is a nightmare: JB is home early every day because it’s conference week. I’m taking them to try a self defense class four days of the week. We have a parent teacher conference. I’m going to try to have some kind of a birthday something: pick up my free cake at Nothing Bundt cakes and maybe a nice lunch or dinner. The temptation to put the “fun” off to a more convenient time or date is buffered by the knowledge that the rest of the year feels like it’s impossible so there won’t be a good time or date.

*****

I can’t hunt down access to this NYT article in full but here’s the tweet thread to enjoy this news:

🚨EXCLUSIVE: Yvon Chouinard, who founded the outdoor apparel maker Patagonia and became a reluctant billionaire with his unconventional spin on capitalism, has given away the company. All Patagonia’s profits will now be used to fight climate change.🧵https://t.co/22q91WK2Hz
— David Gelles (@dgelles) September 14, 2022

Year 3, Day 181: PiC and Smol were bicyclists this morning so I didn’t accompany them for the daycare dropoff, but this was the best one yet! They were reluctant but mildly curious, and didn’t cry. I’m so relieved they are adjusting. They also seem to be building stamina. Unlike last week when they’d just dissolve in tired tears by 7 pm, they were tired but not wrecked today.

*****

JB was a champ after school today. They did their homework, washed up their lunch box, and even served me a half sandwich and fruit (I hadn’t eaten lunch by 3 pm), then did crafts independently while I worked. I think they were very motivated by the plans for cake tomorrow.

*****

What a ROUGH workday. It took 4 hours to square away a single problem. It was so painful partly because we were trying to nail down all the details in one go. This groundwork will help us next time the problem comes up. It’s a good thing that it happened on a daycare dayor I’d be ten more kinds of stressed. It was frustrating, though, I had planned to use those hours more productively, to free myself up a bit tomorrow. My dear friend is dropping by to spend some time with us and I can’t enjoy that if I have too much time-critical stuff hanging over my head. I ended up working later in the evening to clear out as much work ahead of tomorrow as I could.

But! I had some nice moments of vindication today. I won the support from upper management that I’d been advocating for. We got everything we asked for and I got agreement to a policy that protects staff from inequity. I’m satisfied that I did a good job for my team this week.

*****

I threw together pasta carbonara for dinner and it was hoovered up by my very hungry family. Even Smol had two servings!

I closed this very full day with an aching body and relatively contented soul.

Year 3, Day 182: JB has been setting their alarm for 615 am all week with varying degrees of success. PiC had worked until 3 am, and I was gritting my teeth through pain waves until 1 am, so we weren’t exactly raring to go at 630 when they emerged this morning. They went through their whole morning routine solo: ate breakfast (waffles and ham), made their lunch (ham and cheese sandwich, yogurt), dressed, all the stuff. It confirmed my theory that a little benign neglect is good for growth.

*****

An excellent mail day and three good things happened in a row: a birthday card, a large reimbursement check, and a letter from the IRS arrived.

I had reported some of the bullying type behaviors that JB’s frenemy had been exhibiting on a questionnaire from their teacher. After school, JB reported that their teacher had pulled the two of them aside and set the frenemy straight on one of those behaviors.

I was expecting yet another 3-month delay but instead: I FINALLY won the fight with the IRS over the miscalculated tax rate applied to my amendment and they promise a refund in 6-8 weeks. HUZZAH.

Then a dear friend came to dinner which was so very nice. We’ve missed them a lot.

Really solid way to end the week. So much good that I caught myself not knowing how to let the good and the joy in and that was fodder for therapy.

:: I hope you had a good weekend! This coming week is jam-packed. 🤞🤞