By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (138)

January 23, 2023

Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 3, Day 300: I love and hate holiday Mondays. This one everyone else has off except me. I should have taken it as a vacation day but I forgot to.

On the one hand, it never feels like Monday, it feels like an odd floater day and it makes all the rest of the week feel off. On the other hand, I got to sleep in a little because Smol didn’t insist on being officially awake at 6 am (minor miracle) and no one else had to be taken to school or to daycare or anything by a certain time. I always appreciate a little more rest when I’m this fatigued. My nights have been plagued with intense fear nightmares since last week. My subconscious is clearly fixated on my fear of abandonment. Is this enhanced because of the upcoming psych evaluation? I realize that I’ve internalized the old stigma of the ADD/ADHD from days past. I certainly didn’t feel anything like judgement for friends who were diagnosed in adulthood in the past few years but I feel it for myself.

~~~~~

Cooking: We made a rare family run to the produce shop this weekend. I remembered that I had wanted to do baked potatoes for dinner again so we picked up enough russets and sweet potatoes to do that twice. Then I remembered a handful of Anaheim peppers to make a chili! Double win! We have some frozen ground beef so I made both today, narrowing avoiding disaster when I almost added turmeric instead of cumin because someone (SMOL ACROBAT) took the turmeric label off the jar a while back. I can’t believe I doubted myself even after double checking the color and the smell – of COURSE cumin doesn’t smell like turmeric! Honestly. Where is my head?

Speaking of my head, I hate this brain fog feeling so much.

Next time, I may have to incorporate some of this pork and brisket chili recipe into my current beef chili recipe. I feel like it’s missing a little something and maybe stealing some bits here will provide.

Year 3, Day 301: I think I’m sort of doing that LA thing that Nicole and Maggie have mentioned. Family who are unvaxxed and barely mask mentioned they’d like to see us later this year if they pass through and while I like them, well. Unvaxxed and barely masking, y’all. And here’s me with my barely there immune system. They masked when we asked them to, two years ago. I strongly doubt they’ll be willing now. So I’m in that “uh yes, let’s do lunch….” kind of headspace where I’m not entirely sure I mean it and am not willing to expend effort to make it happen.

Smol Acrobat was an absolute horse pill tonight. They were a fussypants at dinner but we finally worked out a compromise where they’d eat one banana bite and alternate with their entree (rice, spinach, bulgogi). That done, the shower tantrum began. They wanted to bathe with JB but wanted the tub, which is too slippery, not the shower that isn’t slippery. JB desperately wanted to be in charge of bathtime, and declared: I will bathe them! I will brush their teeth! This is KID TIME! They were equally desperately disappointed when it didn’t work out as they’d imagined. That was a whole thing. But JB coped with their disappointment and I was in charge of Smol’s bath, and managed to help them to stand under the shower and wash their hair all by themselves. This has been a big struggle- they’ve been hating the shower and hating water on their head and hating water on their face. It was a thrill to see them voluntarily go stand under the spray on their own, just like a wee human. I needed that win.

Year 3, Day 302: My consult for the possible ADHD testing was today. Turns out I tested so high on their anxiety and depression scales that I can’t be tested for ADHD yet. I have to bring those scores down first. It’s a little weird to think about depression and anxiety as something I can measurably reduce but that’s the plan for now.

I probably shouldn’t have been so surprised about the depression, I’d speculated that my anger in the past months might be linked to the depression coming back, but I was. Turns out it was being a sneaky bugger or I’m super inobservant. Or high functioning when depressed. Either way.

Let’s see if my GP can authorize a new prescription of the antidepressants I used to take for pain, maybe that will also help a bit.

Year 3, Day 303: My brain is a game of Pong today. I ping off one task and pong off another, nibbling away bit by tiny little bit instead of forcing myself to focus on a single task and powering through it like normal.

The approach feels awful but it’s also somehow less painful than the usual bludgeon myself with a mental cudgel method of forcing concentration. Ultimately about the same amount of work got done in roughly the normal amount of time. The sense of satisfaction was wholly missing because it’d taken so long to get to completion on any single group of work, but the tension in my body was about half the usual amount. Seems like that should be an acceptable trade off.

Year 3, Day 304: I’ve had a sore throat all week. Not fun, but also probably not viral. Just incredibly annoying.

This doesn’t feel like brain fog but I’m completely spaced out today. I was reading If you Give A Moose A Muffin to Smol. When they flipped several pages back, I realized that I barely had any memory of seeing those pages or reading those words. I know I did, I remember feeling the flip of each page, but the words? The pictures? Nope. Not a thing registered in my short term memory.

That was disturbing. What else am I missing?

~~~~~

I can’t remember how old I was when I started doing certain things independently. And while that shouldn’t be a consideration when I decide to let JB and Smol Acrobat do things, that should be based on their own ability and capabilities, I am curious nonetheless.

I’m trying to remember when I was blowdrying my own hair and discovered the hard way that if you don’t keep the back of the hair dryer away from your hair, it’ll suck it in and burn it. That was startling.

~~~~~

Ordered the antidepressants today. I’m a little nervous. I had one very very bad and one perfectly fine experience with these in the past, two very different times in my life, and it’s hard not to wonder if this will go ok or not. Fingers crossed.

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