Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (147)
March 27, 2023
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 361: The weekend rain was light but wrecked my bones pretty well so I’m not thrilled about the storm expected tomorrow.
Someone asked me if I had ever experienced non-joy in the face of things that SHOULD bring me joy. As it happens, that perfectly describes my emotional state lately. It feels like things are going well enough that I should be happy.
Things are dramatically better than they had been even a year ago. I’m FINALLY not coughing up a lung all day, everyday. We finally have full time childcare. We have (so far, knock wood) continued to dodge the COVID bullet even as there are half a dozen reports of cases on campus. PiC is finally getting more exercise time with the childcare. Those are all the shoulds.
On the flip side, my brain fog is still thick. My physical self is wracked with pain and fatigue all day and all night. I am still never truly refreshed when I sleep. At best I might be less tired than when I went to sleep but most days I’m even more tired. A tweet has going around about what everyone has accomplished since COVID started and while I don’t begrudge anyone their accomplishments, my mood means that I started feeling rather badly about how I “only” made it through these past three years without getting COVID (knock wood) and how I’ve not published a book or done any of a dozen things I’d have liked to do before 40. I’m also sad about the loss of community, both on Twitter and with dear friends who have fallen out of touch for their own reasons. It’s hard not to feel complicated and unwanted when a chosen family member unchooses you to deal with their own issues. It’s not about you but it’s still sad.
I’m trying to sit in neutral even when frustration with all of it creeps in. Instead of punishing myself for not being able to access any feeling of joy, though it is frustrating to do the things that one believes will create joy but yet not feel it, being angry isn’t going to make it more likely (shocker). It’s not comfortable or easy but I have to believe that pausing myself in neutral is the healthier response than getting mad at myself and being mean about it.
Year 3, Day 362: The storm is here! I hate midweek storms, it makes putting out the garbage bins extremely dicey. Even the heaviest bins get blown over and their contents spread all over the street in high winds.
Smol slept in this morning and gave us a little peek / reminder into the solo child life. It’s astronomically easier to parent just one kid at a time. The chaos of getting two children ready in the morning is more than twice the work. You’re corralling the younger one, redirecting the older one who is getting distracted by the younger one, then the younger one is upset because they want the older one’s attention, all while trying to get lunch made and breakfast into bellies and aarghhhhhhh.
This morning, one kid at a time meant we ran later than usual but that the chaos level was almost zero. Of course, there’s absolutely nothing I can do with this information. 😝 (PiC would say tell our on the fence about kids folks to save themselves.)
An activism
The U.S. has a moral and legal responsibility to honor the right to seek asylum. President Biden’s Asylum Ban will only trample on the ability of children, families, and adults to seek safety.
Join us in demanding #NoAsylumBan! Submit a comment at https://t.co/lUs1dJJNuU pic.twitter.com/jFe1j3S3Wt
— The Young Center (@theYoungCenter) March 16, 2023
Year 3, Day 363: What a day. JB had a dental cleaning, I had to get answers from the orthodontist for their planned treatment, and I had to lug 50 lbs of clothing and COVID tests to the UPS store for shipping. All this on very little sleep because Smol Acrobat was distressed several times last night and would only accept a hug from me to settle down.
Still, my parenting detail did not include cleaning up Smol who didn’t tell anyone they needed to poop and played through the pain. The teacher spotted their disaster at the last minute: poop all up their back, all over their clothes, everywhere. Phew. Bless PiC for fielding that one because he didn’t want to dump it on the teacher.
This week’s mental health challenge: Catch myself when spiraling into imaginary arguments with someone stressful that I’m going to have to deal with soon. We don’t have a good relationship, they have a history of trampling boundaries, and we have to see each other soon (this is a life thing). My self protective instinct is to run lines so I feel prepared for whatever shenanigans or gaslighting they may engage in. I suspect this is hypervigilance trying to help me out but I also suspect that I’m probably just going to get more stressed and anxious the more I imagine possible run-ins. So. I’m going to do my best to remember these tweets, take deep breaths, and use this time that’s free of them to focus on something else. Anything else.
Year 3, Day 364: This is officially the least worst day of the week for me so far. Smol slept so deeply, they didn’t even move all night. Then they woke up at 7 am. SEVEN. A positively humane hour. I think that netted me 7 whole hours of sleep?
My brain wants to be anxious over: 1, waiting on my tax return; 2, upcoming plans to spend time with people, some of whom I loathe, soon; 3, our nebulous future plans of retirement (when) and holding boundaries that we’re both happy with against people who presume a lot.
I held it off by staying busy with work, paying bills, and eating 3 chocolate hazelnut cookies. Paying bills AND rewarding myself with yummy cookies at the same time generates some nice dopamine. It doesn’t last, and the wicked heartburn puts a damper on my contentment today, but I relished the good bits.
My card holder finally arrived! I loaded it up with gift cards, membership cards, and travel cards. This feels good, too!
I had a weird mental meandering into wondering what rights we have when stopped or arrested by the police. Shep kindly supplied the following information:
Year 3, Day 365: JB is a bit sniffly and Smol Acrobat acts like they are sick (whining, clingy, sad) but doesn’t have any symptoms. It’s not clear if either of them are actually sick. Just to be on the safe side, I’m going to test both kids but I am losing faith in the accuracy of the rapid tests. I have no clue what variant(s) we’re facing these days, and can the tests from last year detect what’s needed?
I’m carrying on with ignoring my anticipatory distress. It doesn’t feel great, especially when I am also trying not to shut down my feelings, but it seems moderately better than the usual anxiety spiral. I repeat myself because I need to hear myself saying it (or typing it, in this case). My therapist calls this mindfulness, and she’s done a decent job of steering me so far, so I’m going trust her and keep trying.
Sometimes I forget the power of music to help with a mood. Add a cat and it’s perfect:
Depeche Mode – Useless pic.twitter.com/HoNxRC1hMd
— cat vibing music (@catdancingg) March 16, 2023
Remember how I said that putting up a 2 days since last infection sign felt like tempting fate?
YEP. Even just thinking about it was. Smol is now running a 102-103 fever. They had no fever this morning so it developed during the day. Sigh. Sigh. Siiiiighhhh.
Smarter scientists than me have tested the rapid tests against every variant, and they say yes, they do still work. (This guy for example: https://mobile.twitter.com/michaelmina_lab/status/1472024457640394756). But let’s say you’re the ~5% of people who have truly never had covid, and that your kids get ten viruses a year, and that (for the sake of argument) you get covid next year. If you test yourself, your spouse, and the big kid every time someone gets sick,
even only once, that’s three years times ten viruses times three people – 90 tests- before you get a single positive. Plus however many for sniffles that are actually allergies. The other comparison is influenza: how many colds have you had in your life vs. how many times have you had influenza? (The average person gets it once every 3-4 years i think) If you had a cheap home test for influenza it would also seem like it wasn’t working because you would almost never have influenza!
Oh yay, I’m really glad to hear that. Because Twitter is so borked, I hadn’t come across that note.
But I wondered also because another Twitter acquaintance kept getting false negatives when they did have COVID so that made me wonder.
I’m very happy to keep getting negatives if true, even if we keep playing host to every other stinkin virus 😫
I mean, fair, but also one of that guy’s points is that post vaccine many people will not test positive for up to 5-7 days after symptom onset so sometimes it will look negative. Plus every test has some false negatives! In clinical practice POC flu tests are 50-80% accurate which is pretty terrible frankly. At 50% you might as well flip a coin!
Oh hey, I didn’t know that! The post-vax not testing positive for a while part specifically but also POC flu test accuracy, or the INaccuracy, rather. That IS terrible!
“PiC would say tell our on the fence about kids folks to save themselves.” I’d say we have left the fence after seeing how little support families w/kids had during pandemic times, and then just the clock ticking on… but everyone w/two kids said something similar. It is hard to really internalize it though. And I suspect having multiple can have a lot of benefits after the very little kid years?
I’m glad the full time childcare is helping you both get a bit more for yourself. Good luck with the difficult people you have to see soon. <3
LOL I know, I heard it at least a few times from unexpected sources. It’s funny, after JB I had trouble figuring out if I was happy with the status quo, or if we felt more complete with one more. Now there’s zero hesitation. I know I’m done forevermore. At least with bio kids.
And in fairness to Smol, they just came into the world at such a hard time, it was harder to see the joy of a new little one. Thankfully JB was so enthused about a sibling that it made up for some of my tired ambivalence.
Thanks! I’ll take all the luck I can get
Of your brain tries to look forward to the stressful thing, can you try to focus on hot good you’ll feel the day after the encounter? I dunno, it sounds like you’re doing your best to manage yourself. Good for you & the techniques from your therapist.
I’ve got nothing to show for my Covid years, except I did a lot of puzzles. So you can compare yourself to me to feel good, I don’t mind! After all you raised kids, homeschooled AND maintained a relationship. A book sounds easy in comparison!
There was a NYT article about what you should/should not say to the police. I put notes on my phone because I would definitely need a reminder.
Augh so sorry there is sickness in your house AGAIN.
You read my mind! Or I read yours! Before seeing your comment, someone said: you’ll be glad when you get there. And I thought actually…. I will be glad when the whole encounter is over. So I’m going to keep focusing on how much relief this weekend will bring and that is good.
I think doing puzzles is great! And you were reading and commenting here, sharing insights that I deeply appreciated, so I wouldn’t pooh pooh your COVID years.
Anyway, I couldn’t ever compare myself to someone I like and respect just to make myself feel better. That just would make me feel like a heel which is counterproductive.
Ohmigosh I am tired just reading about everything on your plate! You must be exhausted living it.
For the boundary less people at this stage in my life I just choose to disengage. A tag team response of “that must be difficult for you” and “I’m not sure if that will work for us, I’ll have to get back to you later” cover almost every scenario. And never explain why.
I AM exhausted! XD
I assume it’s because of the chronic fatigue but maybe this would be tiring for people without chronic health stuff. I dunno. As Nicole & Maggie would say, I don’t know the counterfactual.
I do prefer the disengagement strategy above all else but there are certain people for whom I cannot go no-contact or disengage as completely as I would prefer. Alas, that’s where I have to develop these other social muscles.