Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (64)
August 23, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 155: Yesterday was such a bad day with JB that the funk has followed me into today. I just want to lay my head down and be left alone for hours. Naturally, I cannot. We have school drop-off, work, more work, Smol to take care of, more MORE work, Smol to settle down for a nap, work, school pick up, JB’s after school lessons that will stand in for some version of aftercare to schedule.
I don’t know if it’s tempting fate but I filled almost in the rest of the school year’s dates on our calendar for JB. Who knows if these dates will stand. But I will want to know them later and what better time to do that then when I’m stressed and looking for administrative mindless scutwork?
I did sort out their tutoring and Spanish scheduling too, so I was able to start booking those out for a few weeks. This gives me a (faux) sense of control over something. Look at me! Planning things!
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I finished our two direct aid projects for friends and did tell myself that I’m not allowed to pick up another project for at least 24 hours. Will I be able to do that? WE. SHALL. SEE.
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We donated to the Jewish Family & Community Services East Bay to support their refugee resettlement efforts. This situation in Afghanistan hits really close to home. Our family had to escape their homeland after the US withdrew their troops after the fall of Saigon. One uncle who worked with the CIA disappeared forever, leaving behind his wife and three kids. No one has seen or heard from him since 1975. Another uncle was thrown into jail for decades for fighting for the “wrong” side. Most of my family had to flee under cover of night, embarking on a dangerous journey they were lucky to survive.
People deserve a safe place to live and I think we have a moral responsibility to extend that safety (dubious though it may feel when I look around at how citizens of this country have behaved in recent years).
Year 2, Day 156: I am forcing myself to wait at least until tomorrow before starting up another project. I do have plenty of work to do, I just don’t want to do it and I am clearly using these projects to help me feel a tiny bit better about a world that I strongly resent and dislike.
I’m realizing that I’m simmering at a high amount of rage every day. I haven’t been in this emotional space for a long time and I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until this weekend when JB and I had the worst most terrible-parenting interaction I’ve ever had and it’s finally sunk in that I’m so overtaxed, so filled with anger at the world, that I have lost every reservoir of patience.
I had to meet someone that a loved one has been seeing for a while and it was immediate red flags and I just want to yell nooooo but they won’t listen so there’s no point. Having been their near-daily support for years through similar bad situations, it was so hard to watch what appears to be them walking down the same path again. I’m also furious with some family because GET YOUR SHOT AUGH. The refugee situation in Afghanistan pushes some very personal buttons, as my family including my generation, were refugees after a war.
I’m backing waaaaayyyy the hell off the support system family member because it’s not my place to warn them. I’m probably going quiet with the family I’m frustrated with for a while. I’m giving myself some space to not keep digging deeper and deeper into reserves I don’t have anymore to force myself to keep working every minute of the day, if I’m not parenting. I let myself ogle cute things at Jet Pens like this Diamond Mini Rose Gold Fountain Pen. Or this!: Wancai Mini Fountain Pen! I don’t actually want fountain pens, I think they need more attention than I can manage, but so cute! This would be great though: SL-F1 Mini Ballpoint Pen.
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I packed JB’s lunches almost every day when they were in daycare. PiC has now taken over that duty with first grade lunches. He likes the fruit to be cut JUST SO, and for them to be positioned JUST SO and you know what, mama does not have the time or the inclination for any of that. We’re both happier when he does it. So he does.
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Is it just me or is it too much to expect a nearly 50 year old cishet white male (all relevant details in the case that I’m thinking of) to know himself well enough to be able to identify a few personality quirks about himself? Surely that’s not too much self awareness to expect from anyone of that age? Surely you’ve spent enough time with yourself by that age that you can spot some funny / weird / interesting / whatever details about yourself? I’m just wondering.
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JB has now attended five full days of school and they have zero comment on the academic part, it’s all review right now anyway, but they’re in love with making friends at recess and lunch. So this is very much an exercise in socializing every single day for them. But the side benefit I’m trying not to get too used to in case it gets yanked away is that across that six hour school day, PiC and I split most of Smol’s awake time so that we’re each getting somewhere in the neighborhood of four hours of work time before JB gets home, plus a couple hours after the 3 pm window, when you average it across days. It’s a substantial improvement over the work time we had before this, enough so that we have been able to stop working at a reasonable hour twice since school started. We’re not caught up on everything of course but to be caught up on the critical stuff before 930 pm more than once? It’s astonishing. I literally do not remember how it felt pre-pandemic when we had normal work days but it must have felt something like this.
I don’t want to get too attached but I am soaking in the moment. It couldn’t have come at a better time – I’m realizing that I’ve been stretched so thin for so long that there have been some seriously detrimental effects.
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JB asked if we could cook dinner together and then asked if we could eat emergency food: “I liked that!”. Yeah carb-loading out of pouches can be pretty fun, but I STILL feel over my sodium limit!
We ended up making a one pot dirty rice meal, though their assignment was to empty the dishwasher and de-seed the bell peppers. I was not so good at assigning sous chef duties.
Year 2, Day 157: We haven’t got a routine yet, but we are finding a bit of a rhythm.
We’ve been working on getting Smol to get up after 530, preferably after 6. They persist in occasionally getting up and talking and demanding freedom too much before that time but we ignore it. When we’re lucky, they settle back down for another hour or so. That always sets the schedule for the day.
This morning, we had one of those predawn calls, then they really got up at 630 which worked well enough. PiC took them for that first round, as usual, and got the kids started with feeding, making adult breakfast, walking Sera, keeping JB on task until I got up and took over Smol’s second round of feeding. They are a disinterested eater so we have to go a few feeding rounds, spaced apart.
I had made a “going to school” checklist for JB on one of those boards you stick letters on. They use that list to independently pack their backpack every morning. I don’t have to chase down any of their things! After a few final touch ups, we were ready to go. I lugged Smol to the stroller where JB insisted on doing the buckling up, then we were off to school. I didn’t linger too long today, we’ve been dawdling about after drop off for the past few days with our own parental separation anxiety, but had to move along since Smol was due for their next nap. Once they settled down, I dove into work for almost two hours.
PiC had meetings this morning and pressing work so I volunteered to take the next waking round of Smol time. It’s a consistent two hour block so it’s easy to manage mentally if you’re flying solo that block, or to split equally when possible. We got a lot done in our two hours. They crawled around exploring the bedrooms and everything they could lick for 45 minutes. I did some washing up, started the dishwasher, and fed them two half-bottles, popped them in a carrier and we took Sera for a walk, then I topped off the baby before their next nap.
It wasn’t until our walk this afternoon that I realized that the sun looked orange and air quality was bad because of the wildfires. I’ve been that overloaded that I had forgotten we have wildfires raging. It’s not a great sign. But it is good, I think, that I had the capacity to connect those dots today. I hope to keep pushing my stress levels down each day to find my old baseline.
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What an oddly domestic day. I did hours of work, yes but I also walked all the kids, loaded and ran the dishwasher (henceforth known as did the dishes), plus handwashed a sinkful of things, minded the baby, cooked dinner, did a load of laundry and bathed and put the baby to bed.
PiC usually does a lot of these things, it just happened to be an extra full work day for him and an unusually efficient day for me. And for once I rewarded myself with some time to do other stuff instead of forcing myself to do a few more hours of work that could wait until tomorrow. Of course I happened to be in the mood for things that were physically exhausting so I want to sleep on the floor but at least spiritually they hit the spot.
Year 2, Day 158: PiC had a time critical thing come up at the exact moment he was going to head out and pick up JB, so I did it instead. We typically leave 15 or 20 minutes early because we have to line up a long ways to pick up. Naturally, being the first time I did pick up, I left without the required paperwork. Ugh. Had to head back and then out again.
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We ran out of ideas for dinner so we ordered from a local ramen shop. I got two ramens and a curry, figuring it’d be good to have a rice dish. The curry was so truly mediocre it actually made me crave good curry. Next time, just get three excellent ramens!
Year 2, Day 159: I woke up every hour or two last night for no dang reason. I suspect it’s anxiety brain being on edge enough to trigger and then not TELL me what it’s anxious about. Come on, brain!
This is also the kind of day where my bank accounts are the watched pots. Come on, boil! Be enough so we can make some different life choices that don’t include having to work every day!
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On the plus side, JB is so happy to be in school and playing with other kids. Education? Eh whatever. Knocks those worksheets out and moves along. Classmates, meeting friends, talking to them? BEST EVAR. They’re so into that social interaction that they voluntarily get up early every morning, get ready, and rush us to get ready to get them to school.
This kid is SO the opposite of me.
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After two days of being the on call parent, I had trouble adjusting back to the even split. PiC took the morning shift and the school dropoff and I had to force myself to stay in my seat and keep working. It’s also possible I’d rather do that instead of working, and that’s weird.
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Our blood pressure is significantly lower with JB back in school, even though we worry of course about exposure at school, and I feel weirdly guilty about that. I don’t know why yet. I just know that I feel terribly guilty for appreciating the reprieve, however temporary. This is the first time in a year that I’ve had the time and inclination to even think about cooking for more than ten minutes, and even searched for some recipes to use up ingredients our friends split with us. Tamarind and lemongrass, Chopped kitchen pantry go!
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I’m still VERY concerned about this wasteful and dangerous recall. If they oust Newsom and. Republican gets in, we’re absolutely screwed. The Republicans on the slate are horrifying.
Oh, friend. I’m so sorry things have been rough lately. I hope that parents get a reprieve of some sort with all the mayhem that is this school year.
I, too, am putting some distance between myself and problematic family these days. I think if you’re feeling like that’s the right thing to do, then you should follow that instinct.
Keeping my fingers crossed that sleep gets better soon.
I almost wish I could stop hoping because each fresh disappointment is hard to bear.
But yes, I’m isolating a bit from family because I feel so conflicted.
I feel you on those fountain pens. They are Works of Art! I hadn’t seen the Wancai Mini. So pretty!
But also agreed that I do not need more taking care of things to add to my life, so I will stick with gel pens for the time being.
I will always enjoy looking at them, and if someone offered one for me to try out, I would love that too.