By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (66)

September 6, 2021

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 169: Oh Monday. PiC took the 630-930 am shift so I could take JB to school and then try to get some work done. I’m doing my best to stay focused in the time we have when Smol Acrobat is asleep. They had a rough go of it with the first nap, waking up after half an hour and crying inconsolably for an hour. Literally inconsolable, I changed their diaper, changed their sleep sack to a warmer one, offered a bottle, patted them, sang to them, rocked them, nothing. None of it helped. Eventually they physically pushed me away and I had to let them work it out on their own in the crib. I could only watch helplessly on the monitor. Thankfully they were clearly safe and just really tired, and eventually did pass out.

*****

I’m worried for my friends, near and far, affected by horrible COVID-related policies and threatened by wildfires. I miss my friend who is fighting a serious mental health battle and I worry about them. I’m worried for a loved one who seems to be making the same mistakes that have been a pattern all their life. I’m worried about my own sanity – my work has (temporarily) tripled and it’s not like there were enough hours in the day for the original work, which is piled atop my worries for JB’s safety at school and whatever is going to happen with this recall. There’s a lot of emotional turmoil and I’m trying to find moments of less turmoil rather than relief since I’ll just get angrier when I’m not relieved. I just want to stress bake cookies.

The emotion breaks out at odd times. Yesterday, I was stretching and just burst into tears. Smol Acrobat watched me with intent interest for a while and then started to laugh because faces are funny. Which in turn made me laugh a little.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I was stretching today but the emotion surge was less intense.

Insomnia still plagues me intermittently through each night. I can catch a little sleep in naps now and again but I keep waking up and struggling to go back to sleep. Sleeping like a baby, indeed.

Year 2, Day 170: I’m starting to turtle up emotionally. It’s been too much turmoil and worry, too much racism and fascism and sexism.

*****

Smol’s daytime schedule seemed to be shifting to dropping the third nap, which worked out a bit better in giving us longer stretches at night. We were trying to go 3 hours between naps, it worked for a couple of days, then they reverted again to shorter naps during the day and needing three again. Which in turn meant less sleep at night and waking up at 5 am again. That’s truly what the doctor ordered! /sarcasm

PiC speculated that it’s to do with their brain development. They do seem to be trying to achieve another level of mobility which I’m absolutely not ready for.

*****

I’m so wound up at nights I start three different books trying to find something I can actually stick with and soothe my brain enough to sleep. I listen to Smol sleep-babbling and thumping around in their crib at night.

I ponder how tired I am but how much I’m still cherishing these days because as hard as it is, the first year is my favorite year. I missed JB’s first steps because they were in daycare, around the 13 month mark. It wasn’t devastating, they walked for us not long after at home and we made an appropriate fuss. But that memory makes me grateful for all the memories I get to pile up with this little one now. We play little games and we try really hard to tease out those chuckles and chortles. This one’s a much tougher audience, maybe because they already have a favorite comedian and their favorite is off to school for much of the day. We are poor substitutes for the fun-sized crowd. It’s ok, it’s still fun for me. It’s the little things. Their little moods. Their insistence on trying to poke a finger in my mouth. Their determination to execute a gator death roll any time I try to change their diaper. Their fascination with Sera’s paws. How easy it is to trick them into following me around the house. How sometimes they’ll completely disregard all the tricks and wander off on their own mission. They’re a completely different creature from their elder sibling in personality and yet somehow just as fun. Though I could do with them developing some food motivation. That would make things a touch easier.

Year 2, Day 171: My long awaited massage left me both feeling a lot better for a while and then feeling a whole lot worse when my unknotted muscles declared themselves on fire. I think it’s because I was supposed to put heat on and give my back some time to relax. Hah, relax. The day got away from me as it does between work, and food, and kids, and Sera and I never rested. By 6 pm, I was in agony.

*****

I was too angry to sleep even though I was dog tired. This 5-4 majority in SCOTUS is the worst. Reproductive rights have been eroded so badly and we won’t know how badly for generations, maybe, unless the executive and legislative branches get off their respective behinds. And given how they’ve governed thus far, “not as bad as the other guys”, I have no faith in them whatsoever. It’s infuriating.

Year 2, Day 172: Being greeted by a Ko-Fi notification when I had a moment to breathe was such a breath of fresh air. It’s so nice to get a ping of validation that what I do here is appreciated in some way!

*****

Whatever the reason, probably stress, I’ve had some serious bouts of absentmindness lately. I went to pick up JB and forgot my mask of all things! I thought it was in my jacket pocket maybe? I ended up having to go roundabout an extra time, I’m just glad I didn’t forget anything else on that trip. I also could not for the life of me remember if I had eaten lunch, and when PiC reminded me that I had, what it was. Still can’t, in fact.

*****

My RLS kicked up with a vengeance tonight. I hate hate hate RLS. The twitchy bitey zaps all up and down my legs, the vague nausea from not being able to sleep because my muscles keep zapping. I had doubled my magnesium intake months ago. For a while, that was enough but I wonder if it’s being offset by my recent week of heavy duty pain meds in a vain attempt to sleep. I rarely take these meds except when the pain is too much, and it’s been too much for weeks. I have room to increase the magnesium again once more, we’ll see if that helps.

Year 2, Day 173: Smol is excessively screechy today. They woke up with a whole lot of babbling excitement and the excitement held through the day. It was cute but oh so so loud. Especially because JB thought it was heeeeeelarious and egged them on with funny faces.

*****

Work was .. work. There was too much of it. I had been doing the bare minimum each day this week to hold together some semblance of sanity but there were some bigger tasks that I could no longer put off. I had created a decent amount of time and space for them but that, these days, is defined as “more than 15 minutes”. These were not 15 minute jobs. Sigh. I managed to complete 1.5 of 2, but had to leave the other half for the weekend this time because it was that or go raving and also have PiC be utterly wrecked from not having timely relief after managing unruly kids for an extra long stint. We make it a point to switch out after no more than 2 hours during the week and it was well over 2 hours.

*****

The holiday weekend couldn’t have come at a better time. I still have to work but the ability to do some of that without other people being online and needing my attention, when PiC isn’t working too, takes a certain amount of pressure off. I don’t intend to spend the whole weekend working, I intend to spend it resetting for the next week, but the few things that I will plan to do will help make next week more bearable.

*****

Boy am I in need of therapy to help talk through the rage I’ve felt all week. It’s affecting everything. I have to let it happen rather than bottling it up but I hate this. I hate all of this.

:: How are you?

8 Responses to “Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (66)”

  1. Thank you for the sympathy! Hang in there yourself!

  2. SP says:

    Hang in there! I’m so sorry your work has temporarily tripled at a time when you already had to put everything you had into keeping your head above water. If push comes to shove, keep prioritizing yourself and your family.

    I was (am) so shook by the SCOTUS decision, as I hadn’t really been following/expecting that it was SO imminent, just always under threat. I’m really distraught, and it makes me extremely concerned that 1) the entire US will look like Texas in about a decade or 2) our country will simply be torn apart (even more than it is) by politics… I don’t quite know what #2 looks like, compared to today, but i know it can get much worse. It makes me want to be like Smol and cry inconsolably…

    • Revanche says:

      Thanks, it’s terrible! But you’re absolutely right and I’m very deliberately setting limits and prioritizing ruthlessly to make sure we aren’t burnt toast within weeks trying to do everything for everyone else. I’m adamant we’re going to keep doing our best to balance work time between the two of us as close to normal as possible.

      I knew that Roe v Wade was deeply threatened but the timing of this still took me by surprise. Even the people I follow on Twitter who have been reporting on Reproductive Justice were shocked if not surprised.

      Both of your options sound plausible and they’re both terrible. I feel helpless and ragey.

  3. Jen says:

    I appreciate what you are doing.
    Your company should not expect you to do the work of 3 people when other people are out on vacation. That’s not right.

    By my reckoning, with help from Siri, today is the 554th day March 2020.

    • Revanche says:

      Thanks. It’s not vacation, unfortunately, though we have some adjusting to do with our vacation policies too.

      That reckoning sounds about right. 😰

  4. Clare says:

    Just wanted to say hi and ily and I still read when I can. Congrats on your second bebe. I feel all your rage and sadness too.

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