Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (84)
January 10, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 295: What’d we do last year for Christmas? PiC asked. I don’t remember but I was a lot less stressed and anxious since we did no socializing. Though we also had a tiny baby so … Probably not less stressed but certainly less anxious than this year.
Today I had childcare coverage all day in the form of PiC still being off work one more day and it was both amazing and a grind because then I really really really had to make the most of that focused work time. I got caught up on a lot of important or overdue stuff with some intense effort to stay on task, so that’s something. I was sad to have missed out on midday baby snuffles and snuggles but that’s the trade off, isn’t it?
PiC took care of everything today: dog walks, feedings, kids, lunch, and dinner. I’ve got a great partner.
I’m still decompressing from a remarkably tough holiday season. We socialized much more than usual. We were super careful everywhere (vaxxed, masked, no indoor dining, running an air purifier wherever we could) and the anxiety that it still wouldn’t be enough was ever present. There was a lot of internal conflict when I met with conservative family members who did respect my needs (masked and outdoors meeting) but still clearly expressed their views which are in direct opposition to mine. We were able to say our goodbyes to a longtime friend and carried a lot of sadness back with us. My fatigue was always so bad that I felt sick most of the time – it expresses itself as cold symptoms when I’ve gone too far. Of course I rapid tested to be sure it was just my body sending up alarms and not COVID. Naturally that was another source of anxiety: we didn’t have enough rapid tests for the serial testing that I’d prefer considering omicron was taking off in the days after we’d hit the road. I was also trying to get all of us an appointment for PCR tests so we could be reasonably certain we were all COVID free before returning to school and that was an inordinate amount of effort. Of course I was working the entire time we traveled. Basically I now don’t want to leave my house for a month. Maybe two.
I’m not an enthusiastic traveler anymore. Not with two kids and a dog and this chronic body of mine, and COVID constantly lurking in one form or another. Maybe I will be again when the kids are bigger and car seats aren’t a requirement but who knows? I can’t really look that far forward at this moment in time. I just know that I don’t want us to be constantly at capacity, both working full time in a pandemic while caring for our family, anymore. Dropping any of those balls isn’t an option, of course, but the feeling is strong.
Especially since PiC is back to work tomorrow.
I dread the full schedule starting up again: two full time jobs plus Smol plus JB’s school and extra classes starting back up.
Year 2, Day 296: Work was slow enough for PiC today that he got to enjoy a half day of not working. He did a bunch of housework and childcare instead. We mused that he can be so productive if he doesn’t have to work! Now I just have to figure out how to make that possible. Hm.
Meanwhile, my body is still not recovered. I’m short of breath, aching, my throat hurts, and naturally the rest of me hurts too. We ran to the hospital to get the whole family tested, appointments I’d secured by stalking the site just about three times a day, to hopefully confirm that we’re all COVID-free. We also managed to hit the library, the bank, get some packages prepped for various gifts, all before dinner. I felt like we were super productive.
After dinner, I wrangled our spending and saving schedule for the year, mapping out every expected expected expense and income for the first quarter to smooth out the lumps and bumps of the bills by shifting out the payment dates before and after paychecks. I don’t love doing that, it makes me feel more paycheck-to-paycheck than financially secure, but with the increased expenses, it’s necessary to spread out the timing of when money comes in and goes out.
Year 2, Day 297: WOW, I distinctly remember depositing this check a few days ago, it’s endorsed and marked for a specific account but my mobile deposit history shows no sign of it ever being submitted. I’m so glad that I went through checking my spreadsheets for it. I don’t remember what prompted me to check these specifically…Oh yes, I was double checking my records on recent payments and wanted to be sure that my dollars and cents lined up. Boy am I glad that did that.
Anyway, remember when I said I wanted to stretch my phone’s life to 4 or 4.5 years? It apparently took that as a challenge because it’s been shutting off randomly every so often. JUST CUZ. Very. Funny. Phone.
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I’ve been enjoying having the show Legacies on in the background while working. I’m not watching closely, it’s mainly for background noise but I’ve noticed; The relationships are complex but don’t follow all the usual toxic tropes. The parent is trying to learn to parent better even though he makes mistakes, the teens are trying to learn to do better even if they make mistakes. The boys don’t fall into the Xander-failure category, they contribute when they can and don’t require the girls to save their asses AND their egos.
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I wondered why I was so danged short tempered today. Eventually around 9 pm I remembered that last night I went to bed late, was kept up by a friend with concerns she needed to text me about, and then a massive case of heartburn kept me up another few hours. In the end, I only managed about 4-5 hours of sleep. Improbably, Smol and I both woke up around 8 am. They’re usually up around 6, so I’m very glad to have gotten those two hours and PiC wasn’t wrangling both kids and trying to take one to school. But that explains why I still feel like a truck ran me over, anyway. I’m sending myself to bed early and not answering any messages tonight.
Year 2, Day 298: What a rough day. My good intentions last night came to naught since my body decided to have a terrible night of abdominal pain to go with my heartburn. The heartburn was moderated by over the counter antacids but not enough. The pain sucked.
PiC has been shouldering all the burden of childcare and food prep this week because I was so physically wiped out and had to prepare for a big important meeting for work that was not missable. He needed a real break so, after my meeting, I stepped away from work most of the afternoon to cover Smol and JB (snack, homework which dragged on way too long because they didn’t believe me when I said one of their math problems was solved incorrectly). He took Sera for a looooong walk. I hope it helped but we were both quite beat.
My heart has been doing something weird for a couple weeks, beating really hard when I’m exerting myself at all, and I’ve been on and off dizzy and short of breath. Combined with my heartburn at night and my increased fatigue, plus occasional weakness, it makes me start to wonder if this is just a bad combination of CFS and other miscellaneous symptoms or if I’m developing a heart thing. I’ve always had low blood pressure, just checked it again today, so I suspect the former. But it really feels terrible and I hate it. I hate how it feel and I hate how it interferes with my daily living. It was bad enough when I felt like I was hauling 100 lbs of extra baggage everyday. Now these have to join the game? My dance card is full up, dammit. Leave me alone!
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It’s times like these I flail about for reasons to keep going, to have hope. Inevitably I land on: when can I start putting my health first by not working? That leads me down a rough path.
I’m trying not to dwell on how much I very much want to be financially able to stop forcing myself to push through this medical stuff every day of this stuff. Dwelling on it won’t do us any good. We simply don’t have enough accumulated for us to stop working. I wouldn’t feel good about just me stepping away, I want both of us to leave around the same time. I need to focus on making it through each day and sticking to our saving plan. If we can do that, we can get to the goal line at some point.
I have pondered the part time path but it’s not, as yet, a possibility in my particular job and it would be hard to get an equal amount of flexibility at another one in my industry. I’ve got a lot of cred built here now, so I make the most of that.
Year 2, Day 299: My symptoms led to a call from my PCP who worries I might have COVID, except I tested negative on a rapid test and a PCR this week.
She’s ordered a battery of tests to hopefully cross out some possible big problems. I’m hoping this is all down to fatigue from the holidays.
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I’ve been doling out my little dopamine hits where I can. Eventually I will hit that $20 Ibotta cash out point, though I make my way there 10 pennies at a time.
Not under my control but yay for reducing waste and income: I made a Poshmark sale! I packaged that up and will ship over the weekend.
Also yay: yesterday I redeemed a whole load of Chase Ultimate Rewards points for dining spending which wiped out almost this entire month’s statement balance. Their official line was that it’d take 2-3 months to apply the statement credit but thankfully this has already been applied just in time for the statement to close soon. Once that happens, I will pay off the few dollars left and then change the card to something without an astronomical annual fee.
We don’t see much travel in our near future.
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It may be futile to try to decompress now that we’re back because it’s like omicron is EVERYWHERE.
Re “I had childcare coverage all day in the form of PiC still being off work one more day and it was both amazing and a grind because then I really really really had to make the most of that focused work time”.
This. When I started my job here, I was a divorced mom. During the summers, when my daughter went down to her dad’s house, I discovered that not having childcare responsibilities meant I could easily stay late at work if I wanted (no surprise there), but also that I could GO HOME EARLY if I wanted. That was a revelation. The whole “second shift” thing made so much sense to me then. And likewise, I also completely relate to the compulsion that childcare time feels like it Must Be Productive, at the same time that it was a revelation to me that it didn’t have to be So.
Having grown kids right now is such a freedom to me, in so many ways. G’luck with your med tests.
With JB, I did so much second shift work! I am very over it. One of these days, I hope that childfree time will feel more like my time and less like compulsory work time. I think that may be possible when the workload is less overwhelming.
I really enjoy seeing the possibilities of life with adult children through your blog so thank you for sharing that perspective š
Demetech has rapid tests in stock online!!
They also sell N95 masks and surgical masks that they manufacture in the USA.
Oh thanks! I will need to restock soon enough, I’m sure.
Ugh, I’m so so so so sorry there is still no end in sight for your poor household. I’m exhausted reading about your lives. I hope that you get some good sleep soon.
It feels like omicron has C spiraling so much closer than before. Up until August 2021 I didn’t know anyone in real life who had it, and just a very few online friends/coworkers. In the last six months I know of four real-life friends getting it and several more online friends/coworkers. Even that’s not much compared to what others are saying, but it’s sobering. I’m still going out in the world (masked, vaxxed, only where others are also masked & vaxxed) but I sure hope this is a short painful spike.
I would LOVE some sleep.
My friends saw the same effect with delta and now with omicron it feels like … the world. I’m very much hoping that this spike subsides soon.
Oh, friend. I hear so much of this post. Juggling two kids and two full jobs in the pandemic is just so much: being at capacity, like you said, all the time.
I also understand the desire for both partners to leave work at the same time. FWIW, that was our plan but when it came time to pull the trigger, only one of us actually wanted to leave work. She only came to this realization once she stepped to the edge of the diving board, so to speak. But maybe had we talked about the specifics of the plan more, maybe there was some way for one of us to stop work earlier & find a more sustainable balance of kids+work+health in this pandemic.
I hope you’re able to find a break of sorts and, if not, then to find the strength to keep on.
I thought of you as I wrote that. And it’s because of you that I even considered whether I should try to think of other options!
For the moment, neither of us have any interest in continuing to work in our respective fields (though I do want to do things to earn income still) so it feels more fair to aim for both at the same time for now. We might change our minds, of course! We’ll see.