By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (91)

February 28, 2022

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 340: Woof. Still recovering from the weekend physically. And I foolishly skipped the full dose of diphenhydramine I’ve been taking to force myself to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. On purpose or by accident? I don’t remember. Either way, I couldn’t sleep until very late and then couldn’t get up early. Sigh. I don’t want to be dependent on a sleep aid in the sense that I always need it to help me sleep at a reasonable hour but I am very dependent on sleep to live. Not loving this impasse. But for now I’m putting myself back on the full dose this week to get my body the rest it needs.

Upon emerging from our bedroom, in my haze, I was greeted by a chuckling Smol escaping from the bathroom, zipper bag of trial size mouthwashes swinging from one hand, headed straight for my knees. They were in such a good mood, it was a bit contagious, especially when they started chasing me around the house cackling.

*****

I’m fighting with myself to maintain a healthy boundary in one of my relationships. A loved one is having financial difficulties after an already long and arduous road to get where they are today. I have been supporting them for years in various ways, knowing that I have to NOT go overboard and have been relatively good about making myself stick to boundaries, but I still instinctively want to rescue them. I know that is unsustainable, it can’t be my (fifth) job, and it cannot be what my life revolves around. But it’s still hard to tell that part of me to sit down and just care without trying to take on their burdens for them.

This impulse is what my biodad played on for so long and it needs to be corralled.

I also have to stop feeding that deep down belief that I only have value when and if I help people. I need to find the belief that I am a good enough person as is somewhere in me.

*****

All the things we’re discussing for this year cost so much money. Continuing to order in a couple meals a week to help us out. Various sports activities for JB and Smol. Daycare? Summer travel? Winter travel?

*****

More Smol firsts: interaction with their musical toy + deliberately pulling handles and examining the effects of each one. Wrapping themselves in a blanket and cuddling in it.

Year 2, Day 341: Monday 2.0 means everyone wakes up in a bad mood. Well not Smol but it was their fault so of course they’d be boisterously happy when they just had to get up pre-6:30 am. It’s always a hard day when they get up so early that their first nap ends before 11 am. *cries*

JB’s friend’s dad hollered hi and have a good weekend? in passing and my brain barely had enough brain cells to muster an answer because, discombobulation continues, what weekend? Wha?

*****

Our cars need to be smog checked again. The downside of splitting our household maintenance 50/50 is that I’m not totally on top of half our stuff myself. I don’t want the work but I want the knowledge. It makes me anxious to not be in charge of any of the car maintenance but the point of splitting it is that I don’t have the bandwidth to take it all on. And vice versa. I’m always concerned he doesn’t know enough about our finances to easily pick it up in my absence but it’s too much to have him doing it with me. Plus I’m a control freak and don’t want to share. (Not a problem he has.)

I’m always a little worried that I won’t be able to handle that stuff if it came down to having to handle it myself for any terrible reason. I should remember that he has great car knowledgeable friends I could draw on for advice if needed in his absence.

*****

Given everyone’s moodiness today, I’ve been practicing of “I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings” a lot. It’s uncomfortable. I didn’t realize how much I felt responsible for other people’s feelings, and especially their anger, as a result of my upbringing until I started noticing my own reactive discomfort. I don’t try to make them feel better, that’s not my thing, I self-destructively internalize the sense of guilt over their mood. It must always be my fault, after all, and that manifests as pain. Putting the brakes on that internalizing mental pattern felt weird but also good. Good as in, I didn’t set off a spiral of physical reaction this time. Small wins.

*****

Pondering: I haven’t felt like a good parent since this pandemic started. We’ve been stretched past our limits, we’ve been anywhere between extremely to relatively isolated, we’re juggling an Impossible burden between the two of us. My therapist would argue we’re being good enough and that is probably a valid point but it’s really flipping hard to feel deep down that I’m failing to be a good parent every single day. I’m tired, I’m impatient, I’m completely uncharmed by this stage of JB’s life, and I struggle to engage with them the way I think we both need.

I dislike feeling this disappointed in myself but also dislike the honest truth that until some pressures let up, I’m not sure I can find that better more patient, more engaged version of myself.

Year 2, Day 342: JB has had a series of timed tests at school and they expressed some nervousness about today’s this morning. I caught my kneejerk “there’s nothing to be worried about” reaction, that dismisses their real feelings as if that’s an effective way to make them feel better. That’s what my parents and their generation always did: tell you not to worry like it will then make you not worry. I get where it’s coming from now. I genuinely don’t want them to have to worry. But even I must have learned by now that that doesn’t work, from personal experience! Being heard does. I managed to push away the first reaction and offer a suggestion to pay attention to their breathing instead. That may not take away the worry itself but it can help them manage the physical sensations of worry and anxiety. I hope.

*****

So. Bad news. We’ve had it “good” compared to so many for so much of this pandemic that this is a hard pill to swallow. We’ve just kept our heads above water, or our noses at least, since we were both here at home. But now PiC’s work is making everyone come back to the office by the end of next month in some kind of hybrid model.

We don’t have an under 5 vaccine and we don’t have childcare! We probably won’t until late summer. So this means for at least four months or more, I may have to be on my own for 2-3 days a week working full time and managing JB’s school pick up and Smol most of the day. *Deep breathing*

We’ll figure it out but this really really really stinks.

*****

Small good thing: I got a dental cleaning today which I find very relaxing. The chairs are so nice. I can just lay back and close my eyes while they Jetsons my teeth clean.

*****

The news that Russia invaded Ukraine hit hard. This is scary and terrible.

Year 2, Day 343: This morning feels surreal. Knowing that new terrible things are happening in the world, piled atop the horrific attempts to curtail civil rights for women, attacking trans kids and their parents, that this attack on Ukraine is awful for the citizens and will likely escalate if Putin gets away with it… It’s a lot.

The small things, our mundane lives, and we’re so fortunate to only be worrying about war at a distance, continue.

This is a good description of how I felt today.

*****

Smol happily ate oatmeal and too many raisins. They’ve developed JB’s love for raisins this week though I hope not their love of forcibly sharing their raisins. They’re practicing eating out of a bowl without flinging the contents of the bowl or the bowl itself. Well. They’re not practicing, they’re being corrected every time the bowl goes airborne.

Their kittenness is beginning to manifest nicely. Previously not a fan of playing in boxes, they’re now interested in sitting in big boxes and hanging out.

Since I withheld raisins for dinner – I don’t know what the limit is but surely there is a limit to how many raisins a toddler can eat in a single day without terrible gastrointestinal retribution – Smol was much less interested in dinner. After last week’s despair spiral, I talked myself down. They are old enough to eat when they’re hungry and goofing off is a sign that they aren’t hungry. We are very conscious about teaching JB healthy eating habits, listen to your body and eat what you need, but we were so much more comfortable with letting them lead the way at this age because THEY were such a big eater. That kid was never going to go hungry by choice! But I have to learn to trust that even if Smol isn’t a big eater, they too won’t choose to go hungry. That helped our dinner angst tremendously. This was a not eating dinner night. Smol held their spoon at an angle with one hand and smushed their Japanese curry and rice around with one finger, and occasionally licked food off the spoon but mostly they wanted to play.

Year 2, Day 344: I woke up thoroughly drained of energy and my brain was so sluggish that PiC did JB’s school dropoff solo to spare me. I meant to go straight to work but decided to lay down for ten minutes. It wasn’t restorative rest but it helped to stop the spiral for a few hours.

I’d been resolved to spend some time today or tomorrow to researching reputable places to donate to help Ukrainian refugees and the Ukrainian army as well as to support trans kids in Tenneessee. I was grateful that @stefanieoconnel and @zinakumok supplied this handy vetted link of places we can support.

@herong: Are you paralyzed about what to do RIGHT NOW to support trans kids in Texas?? LIVE THREAD OF WHERE TO DONATE THAT AREN’T MAINSTREAM ORGS THAT ARE GONNA GET HUGE DONATION BUMPS RIGHT NOW.

I took my medication that is only intended for (in my mind) emergency sort of situations where I absolutely have to function and can’t. The prescription was more relaxed, I’m just trying to be vigilant about only using it when really truly needed. I don’t want my body to adapt to it too quickly. The super low dose got me through to the early afternoon and then I could almost feel it titrating out of me just in time for me to try to get more work done.

PiC was tangled in a fight with his computer so I picked up JB from school and then the two of them headed out for a park outing while I worked as quickly as I could. That peace shattered when Smol woke up and had to be tended to. Sera bounded in to offer her moral support and remind me she could really use dinner. Smol in turn offered to help Sera eat her kibble. So helpful all around.

Speaking of dinner, we made it clear to Friday without asking what’s for dinner?

Monday and Wednesday were covered by ordering ahead. That gave him time to make tacos for Tuesday and me time to make both mapo tofu and Japanese curry for Thursday.

We have plenty of mapo tofu left so that’s dinner for today.

Smol’s firsts: they figured out how to sign “more” instead of clapping wildly and sign “eat”. They also danced to my reading a book to them which was hugely gratifying. Last week they refused to pay attention to any books for more than 30 seconds and I was getting worried.

Weeekkkeennnddd!

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