Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (100)
May 2, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 38: Yesterday was a rollercoaster day: lots of conflict with JB; made egg salad for today’s lunches; worked some but mostly laid down as much as I could. After all that, I anticipated today would be Extra Rough. BUT *happy surprise* the day started with slightly lower than nausea-inducing pain. Dare I hope that today’s pain and fatigue on a PiC away at work day will be approximately at normal levels rather than the past few weeks of awful? I need to practice having hope. I’m going to pace myself, not take the emergency meds, and hope for the best.
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These sparkly flats made me smile. A shame they can’t possibly have all the cushioning I need in shoes but I appreciate their adorableness.
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We have entered the age of tantrum and going boneless. I didn’t miss this!
Our three hours today were packed: We read two books, then had a big bowl of fruit for snack. Egg salad for lunch. Washed up and then Smol asked for some time with the vacuum. We vacuumed the closet and once it was cleaned, moved along to trying a new to us toy. Once they got bored, I suggested a walk so they brought me some socks. We took Sera for a poke-along 9-cracker walk. We all got very brisk fresh air. Smol pooped out at the end of our walk on their last cracker and kept sitting down on the sidewalk but they had plenty of energy to continue playing in the backyard once I hauled them there like a sack of squirming potatoes. Sera sunbathed while we played, and had music time. Smol was increasingly whinier with each “no” until they finally caved and admitted with their sign “all done”. They slowly settled down for a nap while I hit the books again and did as much work as I could.
Physically, I’m bone tired, even my face hurts, but I don’t want to crawl under my desk and stay there. This is definitely better than last week.
PiC picked JB up from school while I kept hacking away at piles of work and minded both kids for a bit after Smol woke. I did just about as much as I could stand and hit the leftovers for dinner. Thank goodness for leftovers. I’ll try to cook dinner tomorrow morning.
Smol development!: We got to work on boundaries over dinner. They Greatly Desired the fortune cookies across the table. I allowed them to have half of one. They wanted “more, please.” I said sorry, no, those are not ours. We had ours. Their face scrunched up in dismay and they squealed with anger. Nope. Face scrunched up and this time, actual tears. Still no. Higher pitched screech. Still no. We experienced a new octave, prolonged. Nope.
We worked through all the upset and emotion, we had a little chat about how even if we ask politely sometimes the answer is no, and we definitely don’t get things by way of tantrums. They eventually calmed down and moved on.
Year 3, Day 39: I’ve never enjoyed drinking a cup of coffee in my life, much as I want to, but I’ve made many coffees for PiC over the years and he always claims they were good. He takes it seriously enough that I don’t think he’d pander to my ego if they weren’t good. Since my experimenting with the French press a few days ago, I’ve been dubbed the superior coffeemaker. It turns out that’s because I don’t follow directions. Or rather, I don’t remember them. I asked him for his ratio of grounds to water and then promptly forgot. I feel like he said something like 1 tbsp to 4 oz? Maybe? But it was late and I wasn’t that invested in remembering so I brewed it my way, at twice the concentration and voila! Liquid gold! He was duly impressed until I revealed the ratio and then he was appalled at my profligate use of beans. What? It made an excellent cup didn’t it? So the next batch I made, he got to choose: liquid gold or meh silver?
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It was so windy today, it was earmuff weather! Everyone was in puffer jackets for our school runs and walks.
PiC was stresscakes over some work today so I took the bulk of Smol’s awake time. Sera and I took him on a longer walk, which was totally unpleasant because they whined the whole way out and cried the whole way back. They wanted me to carry them, but since they have two quite good working legs I refused. It was Cruel Parenting. We walked all the way back, them wailing fit to wake the dead, me half bent over holding their hands to keep them moving.
Thank goodness for Sera’s calm about it all and our crossbody leashes so I didn’t need to juggle the leash and the child. Had we been walking with Doggle, he’d have melted down alongside the toddler! He never could stand baby distress. Seamus would have been quite judgey about the whole thing.
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My muscles from mid back down to my ankles were a mess after that walk. Thank goodness when I texted PiC that I couldn’t move to make dinner like I’d planned to, his reply was: I’m already making dinner.
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Did you ever get book fair money? Every time it comes around I remember how much I wanted books and never got them. It’s been six years of these reminders and I’m still feeling those “ooh book fair!” pangs like it was my first time. I thought that I was overcompensating for my own childhood in always buying a book or two for JB but it occurred to me tonight that maybe it’s just that I really love books and love reading and love seeing my kids love reading. So maybe I really buy them for JB too because I want to feed their love of books.
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Smol development!: We’ve been working on the concept of putting things away and cleaning up. It helps if I sing the clean up song but today, for the first time, even without the song they stuck with me as I handed them each of their blocks to put away. Usually they’d get distracted halfway through and aim for chaos instead, dumping out all the blocks or whatever we were previously putting in the box.
Ooh! They attempted to sign “thank you” for the first time! They didn’t release it but they touched their chin.
Year 3, Day 40: My body is still aching like wow but whatever shifted has let the pain hover around “Augh OUCH dangit!” levels and not the “urghh let me disappear” levels of the past few weeks. Even with the pain that still hobbles me a good deal, I’m grateful for the reduction in hostilities. In hindsight, the weather might have been one of the problems for the past few weeks but I also had to skip therapy two weeks in a row and that may have been a big factor.
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Smol time: They rushed out of the bedroom, diaper in hand, looking for PiC who wasn’t here. They checked a couple rooms and then proceeded to make mischief, since why not?
As I tidied a couple odds and ends, they dumped out my kid-travel pouch and rummaged until they spotted me with food in my hands. Oooh quesadillas! They signed “please”, went to put their stolen hand sanitizer on the bench where I put their confiscated toys when we sit down for a meal, and buckled up once they were airlifted into their seat. These little routines make me smile. They clearly observed that their toys have to go to this specific place when they want to eat. They’ve learned to buckle their seat for eating. There’s still some whining but it makes me happy.
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There was another close contact notice for PiC from earlier this week. Thankfully he was masked, except when he was drinking, so I hope he’s clear. That’s one for work and one for school this week. He took a PCR test at work (which will take 24+ hours to return results) and a rapid test at home.
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Target has a sale on storage this week, and I had an extra 5% off in addition to the Red Card 5% discount, so it was time to pick up 5 sturdy-looking woven baskets for $33. We’ve been repurposing old baskets but it wasn’t working very well. It worked even less well after JB landed on one of the wire baskets and broke it! I decided to do curbside pickup so we could get this organizing train on the tracks sooner but I had to choose to spend my energy on walking the kids instead of picking it up.
After Smol’s terrible afternoon nap, they sobbed and snuffled on my shoulder for so long that I actually relaxed for a solid 20 minutes. I patted their back the whole time and it was the most restful part of my day. Who would have thought? But that generated just enough energy for me to put the kids in the car and pick up the order of baskets. That errand alone was deeply satisfying, I’ve not felt up to taking the kids to do anything by myself for so long. Then we organized toys and books and diapers into two of the baskets! The kids helped. And “helped”. That was equally satisfying.
That mostly broken basket now holds JB’s art and school things basket to keep their temptations away from Smol’s seeking hands. One unsightly basket to corral a mass of unsightliness! Tomorrow, I’ll organize a couple other areas with the remaining baskets.
Year 3, Day 41: Smol was up at 2 am crying their little heart out, same as after their nap yesterday, so I held them close and rocked them until they felt better. I rarely hold them until they fall asleep anymore but I wonder if I should just so they’re a bit more flexible about their sleeping conditions. JB co-slept with us at this age whenever we traveled which helped us reduce our luggage needs. They could fall asleep on any bed once PiC was out, he was like a soporific. It’d be nice if Smol were a little easier that way. Not that we’re traveling like we did with JB but it’d be nice to be set up for success.
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I am simultaneously enjoying having all these moments at home with Smol and also stressed because everything we must do is too much. It’s strange how it’s possible to contain both those feelings at the same time these days. Before it was all anger and stress, and now it’s both anger and stress but plus some ability to enjoy this phase with Smol. Maybe this is a result of finally finding ways we can make our day to day a little bit easier with things like takeout and delivery so that meals are only a stress point 3/4 of the time? It costs a significant amount of money but if it IS why we’re starting to feel some kind of relief, it has to be worth it.
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It’s been four days since I felt like death steamrollered into paste and this may mean the flare up has finally concluded? This was a long one and my soul cringes at the thought of jinxing myself saying so. But there’s a significant difference in how I felt after any exertion at all earlier (like sludge) versus today (very tired but antsy as the ghost of energy haunts me).
Ironically only now can I do any of the things that are good for me: taking walks, stretching out, sitting up long enough to put heat on my muscles. When I most need the benefits of these things, it’s simply impossible to muster the energy and then I feel emotionally sour because why is it so hard to just walk up or down the street?? It feels like a massive betrayal, every time. I forget that flares do what they will, no matter what I do.
I can only hope that if I stick with the exercise during the good times, maybe it’ll reduce the severity of the bad times. Total shot in the dark, though.
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I splurged on egg shaped crayons for Smol. They need to expand their activity horizons and we’re running out of things for them to do that isn’t pulling down the house around our ears. Since they’re very interested in “writing”, I figured colors would be good, right? Wrong. The eggs were a bad idea, they just wanted to bash them together. And eat them. Should have gone with the jumbo crayons!
Year 3, Day 42: Oh hello self, I forgot to actually put the cash from the transferred HSA into actual funds! I have fixed that now.
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I can tell I’m out of the fatigue flare now because I was up with Smol between 3-5 am because they had a diaper leak (boooo!). I had to change them in the dark, fumbling around for the next best set because their second set of warm pajamas were still in the dryer. 🤦🏻♀️ With the wet sleepy baby still trying to burrow into my shoulder, there was no time to regret forgetting to resupply. I managed ok to stuff them into thin pajamas, I have got to get a third pair, and wrapped them in a big blanket to warm away their shivers. They snorfled around in the crib for another hour so my brain absolutely refused to fall asleep until it seemed “safe”. I’m very tired but still functional.
I worked a full day, mostly coherently, tended to my team’s needs, tended to Smol, had another conversation with JB about the idea of making conscious spending choices, ran a load of laundry, washed dishes, ground coffee beans and made PiC’s coffee. We made it and I don’t feel like absolute garbage. Thank goodness.
