Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (105)
June 6, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 73: 1 am and 515 am wake up.
It’s the US Memorial Day holiday so we all actually have the day off. We also have my most trusted relative in town and I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have a responsible trustworthy adult we get on well with here. Having an extra hand with the kids is breathtaking. Having someone that the kids RUN to, squealing, because they adore them? Absolutely priceless. Remember, Smol doesn’t take to just anyone at the best of times. Having someone they will equally go to for hugs and carrying, for playing or comfort, is such a huge help. I normally can’t nap during the day, I fight it because I don’t want to ruin my night sleep but also because my body doesn’t want to relax enough to fall asleep in the first place. After a long morning outside with the kids and doing some much needed yard maintenance, I passed out after lunch. It was WEIRD. But good. I needed that badly.
It also means that a flood of chores that we haven’t had the brainpower to nail down got done. Which also happens to mean more spending. š¬
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Smol took 2 naps totaling five hours today, are we doomed for night sleep?
Year 3, Day 74: 515 am. I suppose we ought to be grateful that wasn’t 415 am given yesterday’s naps!
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With JB spending the morning with their auntie, and Smol conked out hard, I was able to catch up on everything that had piled up from Friday. There was also a moment of relief in there that if I can work when I’m working and parent when I’m parenting, instead of both hats constantly at the same time, I can actually be a human instead of a simmering pot of volcanic frustration.
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A donation of larger items was picked up today. Yay! Feeling relief at getting some big things out of here. Next, schedule friends to pick up the first lot of baby things. Next next, pack up the second lot of baby things. That will put a dent in the accumulation situation we’ve got going on. It’s a swapadeedo of ousting things we don’t need anymore or can’t use for things to make space for the stuff we do need or can use.
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There’s been a whole Thing raging on Twitter about how it’s the norm in some Swedish households to refuse to feed unexpected guests, or have kids who came over to play sit in another room while the family eats, and it’s all Quite Bizarre. Lots of people are defending this as normal, lots are saying this has never happened to them. It’s spawned jokes. All I can think is: what terrible hosts! How can anyone eat “in front of” (not literally in this case because they rudely sat their guest in another room) others without offering them a plate? I really couldn’t do that.
Year 3, Day 75: 12 am and 450 am wakeup. š£
I don’t know why we’re getting the middle of the night wakings again. Where have we erred?? They do settle back down quickly after I tend to them but whyyyy is this happening again in the first place??
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I’m contemplating going went through the family IT (mine) box of electronic cables and doodads that have accumulated over the years. I’m quite sure we don’t need most of them but I did just find a charger that PiC needed so maybe I’m wrong and will need these later. But then, that particular one was properly bagged and labeled so one presumes that I knew it still had a use. Unlike these umpteen other cables.
I pulled a handful of too-short charging cables for recycling and am giving my more wired relative the cables and doohickeys that we don’t use. I’ve a full gallon Ziploc of cables that haven’t been looked for since I packed up this box 2 years ago, probably even longer before that. Figured that if I still don’t touch it this time next year, maybe those can be recycled too.
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Speaking of books, I worked my butt off in high school and college to save money for books and most of the books I bought were Mercedes Lackey. Now I have a whole shelf of books that I loved a lot, some I still like, by an author who is, as it turns out, someone who prefers to use rude words to describe marginalized people and then has her husband screeching on the Internet that people are just sensitive. Frankly, they fit my definition of jerks. I am stumped as to what to do with this. I obviously won’t be buying more books by her, but I’m not sure what to do with the whole shelf of books I worked so hard to afford.
Related, I was given a used set of hardcover Harry Potter books and I have no attachment to them. Since the author hates trans people, I’m not a fan and don’t particularly want to keep her books on our shelves but I’m not sure what to do with these either.
I don’t want to pass them to kids who don’t know the history. They can read them on their own, of course, I just don’t want to feel responsible for their gateway. Not super rational but that’s how I feel.
Suggestions?
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Year 3, Day 76: 1 am and 515 am wakeup.
I was going to hold out and ignore the crying but couldn’t. They just wanted a cuddle. Of course it costs me a significant amount of rest because waking up and getting up interrupts my already limited ability to sleep but š¤·š»āāļø. Sometimes your toddler needs a cuddle and this isn’t going to be forever. If it goes past a week, we’ll get hard hearted about it.
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I cannot say this enough: having a third adult here is a game changer. Today, I was able to work, make a decision about dinner (PiC to gather), play with Smol, coach JB through wrapping gifts (despite their irritating whining and giving up at the first sign of a mistake), and still have patience left over to handle the crying about booster shots in an empathetic way. I guarantee last week I would have been an impatient and cold monster about the wailing sobs. This time we worked through it with understanding and patience.
It makes me sad that this is buried so deep under all obligations and responsibilities that it can’t come out until and unless we have a trusted adult to help us carry some of this weight. It makes sense and I’m trying not to be cruel to myself about where our limits end but. It’s sad.
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Watching JB play NitroType, I realized they still two finger type. I can’t remember how I learned to touch type, it was way back when, so we need some resources on how to set them up for the basics.
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Would you believe that they’re already due for a bigger bike?? What is this, three bikes in three years? Absolutely killing me. Kid bikes are not cheap out here. It’s next to impossible to get a used one for a reasonable price. Those are snatched up faster than you can gasp. New bikes are $$$.
Used to be we’d pick up an old bike from a yard sale for $5-10 and whether it was the right size or not, that’s what you rode. Of course that’s also why my bike riding skills aren’t worth a hill of beans so I’m not totally advocating for this approach. It’s just the sticker shock gets me every time.
Moments like these, it’s good to remind myself that we are saving very aggressively so it’s ok to spend the money that’s left on things that are about fun and enjoying life.
Year 3, Day 77: 530 am wakeup.
I got up with Smol today, PiC was clearly zonked out. I surprisingly felt not horrible and that is probably almost entirely due to having trustworthy help all this week.
We sat and played with the TV remote for a little while, flipping channels and playing a few minutes of a dog cartoon. After climbing on me for a few minutes, they agreed to change over to reading a book instead. Apparently this is part of their morning routine.
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Honest and not sarcastic question: how do people do all these elaborate first birthday parties for babies? (And maybe why? It’s entirely for the adults since the babies won’t remember but that takes me back to HOW.)
I know at least three people in the past year who have had huge elaborate birthday parties for their babies’ first birthdays. We could barely get it together enough to get some cake or something. I have no memory of what we did, actually. I was too tired. I’d have to go back to pictures from that to jog my memory.
It’s not that I feel inadequate because I wanted to throw one. Not as an introvert, in the time of COVID, and not being particularly into parties. I do feel inadequate because I just don’t have that kind of energy for anything. But it’s particularly fascinating to see these developing, I guess and it makes me wonder what else we could do in life with that kind of energy.
I have zero problem when the author is dead or out of copyright and they’re not benefiting.
We do keep our Harry Potter books that we got before we knew J K Rowling was a TERF.
My kids haven’t read Ender’s Game because I can’t handle buying another copy, even used. It’s such a great book and so at odds with the author.
#2 never understood why I disliked Mercedes Lackey (“maybe her early work is bad, but…”) I feel vindicated. But also a bit depressed. (I also found Marion Zimmer Bradley’s work to be super squicky and not at all feminist and did not enjoy it. Vindicated there too. So awful.)
https://theliteraryphoenix.com/code-red-problematic-authors/ suggests making a targeted donation for every problematic author book you have/own/read. Not really sure what to do with the actual books though.
Ender’s Game is one of the books I was thinking of too! I think that’s when I first started to realize that authors have a whole other thing going from what they write. And Scott Adams of Dilbert is pretty repugnant too.
I missed a lot of the bad stuff in Lackey’s books, I only took away more positive things, and I think that’s why I am struggling a bit with wondering if I need to move these off my shelves.
I’m glad I never started reading MZB’s books, I can only handle so many authors being terrible people.
Canāt they be recycled? I donāt have a lot of reverence for books-as-physical-objects. If you wonāt read them, and donāt want to pass them onā¦ seems like either you recycle them now, or you hide them in boxes to store, move, and finally deal with later.
How lovely to have a helper in the house!!!
As to those elaborate birthdays: I donāt know how people do it. My theories range from: spend a lot of money; one parent isnāt also juggling a job; itās only feasible for a first/only child; the parents have local family to help; they have vast amounts of energy & enthusiasm for a display; they have the impression that this is A Thing They Must Do. Of course it must vary by situation.
I wish I could look at books as just things but I can’t. Books were always my Holy Grail. I desperately wanted to own my own for so many years as a kid, it’s hard for me to separate that out. I still can’t! My conflict also is with the author herself now, and a little less about the content that I had once enjoyed. It doesn’t all stand up but some does? I guess?
VERY grateful for every lick of help we had.
I think you’ve hit a lot of the variables at play for a lot of these folks: specifically the ones I know, they have a lot of local family and friends to help, this is their first/only, and one or both parents aren’t working. And I have to assume that makes all the difference. Having just ONE person to help us around the house was like lifting a ton of bricks off our shoulders. Having more than that must be like having super power boosts!
I sort books into 4 categories now. 1. “Great Books” that I collect, display on my living room bookshelves, and proudly recommend to others. 2. “Good Enough Books” that I do still enjoy, but have enough problems that I store them in a cabinet with doors, and recommend them only with caveats. 3. “Meh Books” with problems significant enough I personally can no longer enjoy reading or owning them, but I will still donate them because I know that other people do still get some value from reading them. (Problematic authors fall into this category for me because there is reasonable disagreement on how they should be handled.) 4. “Dangerous Books” that I recycle because the content itself is soooo horrible that I would feel guilty allowing anyone else to read them. For example: an extremely racist & inaccurate kids picture book about the “discovery” of America. Or a marriage advice book that advocated for some dangerously dysfunctional & potentially abusive relationship patterns. Deliberately destroying books still feels horrifying, but in those cases – I figured it’s the lesser of two evils.
I like your categorization! And yes I’d have no problem with recycling the last category too. It seems like donating to the local bookstore may be the best route if I decide that these are Category 3 now instead of 2.
I tend to look at books as being in different categories based on their first publication date–for example, I think it’s unreasonable to expect a book first published in 1934 to reflect modern thinking on gender/race/age, etc. I give older books more leeway because they can’t reflect a level of cultural development that simply hadn’t occurred at the time that the book was written. At the same time, though, I do also bar certain books and authors if I feel that they went too far with it, because I think that some things are too much, even for the time that produced them.
Authors/artists who are still living and are now actively promoting problematic beliefs are different, though. I do bar entire bodies of work based on who someone is being right now. Because I’m judging against them as a person who isn’t where I think they should be culturally, and I don’t want to reward them economically.
I should also add that all of the leeway talk applies to books that are books for me to read, not my kid. There are so many product-of-its-time books that I adored as a kid that I’m not introducing to my own while she’s a child, and most likely not at all.
Back when I unloaded my own Lackey collection based on content, I gave them all to a used bookstore… but am not sure what I’d do with it if I had it now. I have a hard time with getting rid of books if I’m not doing a used books thing–there is something about a bound text that’s hard to be okay with disposing of.
I agree with so much of this! Especially not wanting to reward anyone with our hard-earned money if they have chosen hate, in today’s world.
Actually the used bookstore is a brilliant idea. We have a local shop we support and I know they’d take them if I was ready to move them along.
I definitely can’t easily dump or recycle bound books. It goes against my childhood ingrained need for books. Obviously this doesn’t include absolutely horrific books.
Re: books, we have a local “library support foundation” – mainly retired librarians and teachers – who raise money for library purchases by selling donated books. If you feel comfortable donating to such a group-and have access to one – perhaps that is a reasonable compromise?
I too read many ML books and for all the author’s sins, they introduced me to the entire concept of sexuality being your own personal intrinsic quality and not a thing that you had to defend or to debate. That was valuable for me.
That’s a great idea too! The Friends of Library folks might be willing to take them if we needed to go that route.
I did feel that was a truly valuable lesson as well. I didn’t know anything at all about gay people until I read her books and they generally reflected a bit of reality and also taught me that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with anyone’s sexuality whatever it is. So it’s not that I hate her books entirely. I’m just really disappointed that she hasn’t learned from her own stories of acceptance (as I saw them).
IIRC, my main problem with Lackey was lack of consent around sexual things. Because there is something wrong with a sexuality that doesn’t allow for the other being’s consent. And so much rape. I love Seanen McGuire so much for pointing out how lazy a trope rape is on top of all the other horrific problems with it.
When I read these most (teens and 20s) I was still not very aware of sexual stuff in general so I’m wondering what I’ll notice now if I go back through them. I HATE all the rape tropes, and it bothers me now that it didn’t stand out to me then.
Oh my gosh. Suddenly some of the rape scenes that were horrifying came back to me. Apparently I blocked them out.
Donate your books and don’t look back. I can’t recycle bound books either but I have no problem donating them for someone else to deal with my “problematic” authors. Bonus points if the organization makes money off the donated books. Good luck!
That’s a good point about the organization benefits! I think either our local bookshop or the library are good beneficiaries for the donated books if/when it comes to that.
I think I’m in about the same spot as you. I have some remaining physical books from problematic authors (offhand all the Harry Potters, some MZB; surprisingly I never got into Mercedes Lackey). Obviously I already bought them, so at least no matter what I do with them the authors aren’t profiting again, and there’s nothing I can do about the money I spent 20 years ago. At the same time I feel weird donating them because I kind of feel like putting them back into circulation is tacitly endorsing them. On the other hand not every book by every problem author has problem content (like, I still like Ender’s Game even though I despise Orson Scott Card). Sometimes I think about reading Harry Potter again because I definitely missed some of the problematic things when I read them and I’m curious what I don’t remember. But I feel guilty even though I already own them all, they’re just sitting there on their shelf. I kind of like the idea of donating to a pertinent org every time you re-read something with problematic content though.
We’re on the same page!
At some point, I should go back and see if the content is still worth keeping. I haven’t read them in many years and in this intervening time, I’ve learned a lot about problematic stuff that I simply didn’t know about when I was in my teens and early 20s.
Agreed, I do like the idea of donating each time we read something problematic though, because why not do some active good even if there is passive yuck?
Not deeply relevant to your post, but PB has my fave pretty-well-insulated lunch boxes on sale again (e.g. https://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/mackenzie-blue-star-tie-dye-lunch/?pkey=csale-backpacks-lunch-luggage)
Oh awesome, thank you!
Rowlwing is not the modern/living author I would choose to boycott (although I’m not wild about the Harry Potter series, nor were my children). She has a different opinion on a few issues regarding trans women than the opinions held by some trans activists and their allies, but she in no way disputes the humanity and rights of trans people. The ones I have (or recently have) felt unable to patronize are people like Woody Allen, Norman Mailer, Phyllis Schlafly, and others who commit concrete harm. And even then, I think that reading them gives me a better sense of the zeitgeists that created them.
I would disagree strongly that she just has a “different opinion”, she has a huge platform and has used it to denigrate trans people on a number of occasions.
Trans people don’t deserve to have their humanity debated, trans friends see harm in her words, and I stand by them.