By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (107)

June 20, 2022

Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 3, Day 87: 530 am.

Cycling through pain, fatigue, brain fog, brain fog, fatigue, and pain in quick succession for the ten days has given me the chance to more closely judge which is the worst. For reference, being tired is being out of breath for a few minutes. Being fatigued feels like 50 lb weights attached to every limb and another 100 lbs of sandbags on my shoulders. Pain is like getting speared in every limb and/or joint, repeatedly, with a few twists thrown in for good measure. Brain fog is like a cotton stuffed head that you can’t think through or around.

In order, worst to least worst: Fatigue, brain fog, pain.

At least with pain, as crappy as that is, I can still make myself do things. It doesn’t often make the pain worse long term, just short term as I strain whatever’s being forced to work. I can’t do that with brain fog or fatigue. Powering though definitely makes the fatigue exponentially worse. So that answers an idle question I’ve had for years.

Caveat: this is applicable to mild to moderate pain only, and generally it’s rare for me to have only one symptom. Today it’s moderate pain so I can physically push through but with a side of brain fog so planning anything is futile. I am a lot of fun.

Now where do I please sign up for D: none of the above.

*****

I’ve been deeply unsettled over the likelihood of having a run in with my biodad at a family event scheduled for later this year. For the past five years, we’ve enjoyed family holidays to which he was not invited, by my request, but his invitation is not revocable for this particular thing. I understand that part. They’ve supported me well during this period but this is on the level of a family reunion, so even as much as I’d like to be sure we won’t see him, I can’t be. We’ve discussed this with JB and I’ve discussed with my therapist a lot. I’m still mad at him. I’m still bitter about all the shit he pulled, all the lies he told, all the money he stole, and the bonus attempts at manipulation after he was cut off. I’m not ready to forgive and I’m never going to forget who he really was. Now, we are approaching this event with the aim of personal safety (masked, outdoors, vaxxed guests only) and personal comfort. We’ll go for as long as we can with the kids and their needs, I figure at best we’ll be there for two hours. If he does attend, I have no intention of engaging. My preference would be for us to ignore each other completely. I certainly have no intention of introducing him to Smol Acrobat. I don’t know that he knows about them but he’s most definitely not holding my kid. Smol Acrobat wouldn’t want to be held by a stranger anyway.

My hope is that since he didn’t see the estrangement coming, he will feel uncertain about my likely reactions and will avoid me rather than risk a scene. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d say if he won’t take the smart path and tried to force a fake convivial conversation but it probably starts from snarling that he’s a bad person and ends with stuff that I’ve been yelling at him in my nightmares for years. Volume moderated of course, I have no desire to ruin anything for the rest of the family. Cross your fingers for me?

*****

Smol’s acquired two new skills today! They put things back when I say “put that back” and remember how the crayon eggs were a bust? Smol Acrobat stole a jumbo crayon out of my pen jar while I was picking up their OTHER mess. Just out of curiosity, I gave them a sheet of paper to go with it, and they colored. Huh! Also, I spotted two more upper teeth coming in. What a day.

Year 3, Day 88: 11 pm, 4 am, 430 am, 5?? am. I had a sneaking feeling that yesterday’s terrible napping would continue into the night. I wish I’d been wrong. But! They had an amazing nap today. We went for a walk and played in the backyard for a long while before their morning nap. They slept for three hours and hung out for another hour contentedly playing with their soft friends. It was awesome. I got so much work done that I even had a moment or so to breathe and think about other things that needed arranging. Not enough time to rest but getting close to that point is unprecedented.

With that much work done, we had time for a long leisurely stroll and it was mostly good! At first I was uncertain whether I’d bitten off more than I could chew but their pace was incredibly slow and involved lots of stops to stare at people suspiciously so it all worked out. My calves were squalling by day’s end but that was always gonna happen.

*****

PiC took Smol Acrobat for their routine exam and vaccines last week and he remembered one last detail from it. One of the health questions was whether a caretaker or parent has an illness or disability. That was the only yes on the ACE questionnaire. I know it’s the only one but it still gives me a pit in my stomach feeling like the weakest link here. That’s not what he meant at all, but it’s how I felt. That’s how I felt with JB too.

It’ll get better. It just stings.

*****

I’m pleased as punch over the pile of travel related pouches I’ve made. Two baguettes, two medium, and one extra large. These pouches both supplement our existing cubes and replace a couple wrong size pouches. Organization! Yay!

Year 3, Day 89: 6 am!! They made it to 6! Slice of heaven I tell ya.

They went with PiC to drop off JB at summer camp, and then took a really SOLID 3 hour nap during which I tore through my work. PiC brought me a plate of dumplings sometime during that three hours which were inhaled almost without tasting them. I was very pleased to be essentially done with my work fairly early in the day.

*****

PiC thinks it’s weird that JB has been so pleasant and helpful earlier this week. I suspect it’s because they love summer camp, get to play all day every week day and their longer days means we are mostly more present and patient with them when they are home. Or maybe we’re just having a fluke of a good few days and we should enjoy them. Either way, it’s some balance for all those days we wanted to tear our hair out with frustration over their attitude and surliness.

*****

I had a genial conversation with a new to me teacher at the summer camp today.

I can have a light fun conversation with a chatty stranger, but I cannot fake the same conversation with the chatty (functioning on charisma turned way up) family who “know” me (but don’t, not really) that I cannot avoid. They’re interesting to most other people but are oh so tiresome to me, so I choose to be silent and/or disengaged if forced into their company. I am happiest blending into the background, not sharing anything about what interests me, really waving that Boring Person flag so they’ll leave me alone. It’s better that way – when they do talk to me, they’re condescending and patronizing. My silence fuels their belief that they’re a *sparkle perfect personality* keynote speaker in any room, another reason I don’t like them, but it does the job of keeping them off my back.

Thinking of them (and an imminent run in with them later this year) makes me wonder in a roundabout fashion: what makes a person interesting? With people I don’t like, I deliberately project dullness, but it’s not like that’s really fighting against type. I’m not the funny one or the witty one or the smart one when among friends.

My friends are quite interesting personalities in all sorts of ways: passionate, sensible, trustworthy, caring, skilled, intelligent, thoughtful, creative. Me? I’m 90% anxiety and nerdiness.

What makes a person interesting to you?

Year 3, Day 90: 5 am wake up. Seeing this one coming didn’t make it any less painful. We missed their short second nap yesterday so I paid the price with a 5 am wake up. PiC worked so late last night he couldn’t get Smol as usual, so the two of us repaired to the guest room where they played until I was mostly conscious. JB did an amazing job of getting ready without a fuss so both kids were fed, dressed, and ready to go by 8 am. PiC did the camp run while I put Smol down for a nap, wishing I too could lay down. But I had to crack down on work so I could make it to a massage appointment this morning. It was deeply needed, I can raise one of my arms now without tearing shoulder pain, but it also totally exhausted me. Between managing Smol, being worked over in the massage, and the lack of sleep … phew. Shambling zombie here, y’all.

*****

Here’s a bit of news I’m chewing on. For months I’d been pondering and sitting with that anticipated run in with my estranged dad. I’ve been making my peace with it, and letting myself feel all the negative, the grumpy, the betrayal, the outrage, as it comes. I finally write about it earlier this week, and out of the blue, a relative tells me that he’s told the host that he’s not coming. A, It’s very unusual for anyone in that generation to RSVP to events. You just assume they’re coming and they usually do. B, this is a big deal family thing (even we are going!) so it’s very unsettling that he’s opting out. I can’t help but wonder if he’s sincere or if it’s prompted by an avoidance of me or what the deal is. In the end it won’t matter, of course, we’re doing what we feel is best for our family regardless of his actions. It just makes me wonder a bit.

*****

Smol’s favorite occupation this week is unshelving all my books that are within reach. Thanks to PiC’s aesthetic, that’s most of my paperbacks. They’ve been joyfully removing each book, stacking them into towers, proudly patting themselves on the chest and chirp-tootling back for another until the entire shelf is empty. Since they’re handling the books reasonably carefully, and are so delighted with the task, I just let them have at it. Afterwards, I get to reshelve the books. Bonus, this exercise and last week’s comments came together. I finally remembered two trilogies of the Lackey set that had gratuitous rape scenes that I won’t want to reread and set them aside to be donated to our local bookstore’s used book sale. I may have to reread the others to whittle it down further but Smol’s occupation, and your suggestions, had the happy side effect of tidying up my shelf a little bit. Yay!

Year 3, Day 91: 5 am wake up. Well this one was just salt in the wound, I tell ya.

****

I can’t watch even fake TV funerals. I get the feeling that all the tears I refused to cry at Mom’s funeral are coming out now, years later and just won’t stop. How do I make it stop?

5 Responses to “Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (107)”

  1. I’m glad he RSVP’d no and someone let you know about that.

    Makes me wonder what will happen if my sister gets married to her boyfriend. I doubt she will elope.

  2. Alice says:

    Oh, I’d be so happy that he wasn’t coming.

    My obstreperous brother came through my area last week, and we met for lunch. He doesn’t know it, but he’s not welcome at my house because I don’t trust him enough to meet with him on territory that it’s up to him when the interaction is done and he leaves. I wanted it to be in public, neutral ground, and someplace where if he started boundary-pushing, I could easily put a stop to it by leaving. I went alone because I didn’t want to have to wrangle my kid. And I had very specific plans of exactly what I would do if I had to leave and how I would do it: calm, polite, and swiftly gone. I knew my brother couldn’t get too far in bothering me emotionally because I controlled both the environment and myself.

    The lunch was fine and he didn’t push my boundaries, but there were a lot of mental calculations on my part ahead of time. I’m looking at it as us working towards being more neutral towards each other… but I would’ve happier if he’d stayed home.

    • Revanche says:

      I’m really glad he’s not going, truly. That it brought up some questions was a surprise but mainly because I didn’t anticipate getting to know ahead of time whether he’d be there.

      I empathize so much with how you handled that. I still to this day won’t allow anyone in the family who is directly connected to my bio-dad or my maternal family to have my address because I don’t trust them.

      I’m glad that you were able to control the environment and he didn’t try to push buttons this time. It’s exhausting managing for their probable / potential behaviors, isn’t it?

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