Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (121)
September 26, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 185: Today, the timing worked out better for me to take Smol Acrobat for their PCR test so off we went early to the test. I’d wondered how it’d go. They have been very resistant to nose swabbing for a few weeks and we’ve tried to help them by doing our COVID tests in front of them to pique their interest. They’ve been interested enough to ask to swab themself the last few days, so while they mildly objected to today’s test, they didn’t fight it. Whew. I also appreciated the person at the gas station who commented that the pump I’d pulled up to didn’t work, just wait a minute for him to finish, and the other person at the stop sign that waved me through when we arrived at the same time.
Tiny things but little pips of positivity that I’m absorbing to offset the day we have: COVID, early school dismissal, taking JB to a new afternoon class four days this week.
*****
“You really are insane, you know that,” Schmidt said, after a moment.
“I always think it’s funny when people get told what they are by other people,” Wilson said. “As if they didn’t already know.”
From Scalzi’s The Human Division. Sometimes we don’t, though! Sometimes we have buried our deepest selves under a narrative that we can live with because we’re not able or ready to face who and what we are yet.
Related to this: Sometimes the Okini coordinators say nice things when we finish up a complex family’s needs and it makes me feel guilty. Like, I shouldn’t be thanked. I shouldn’t do this for thanks! I don’t do it for thanks. But I don’t know why I feel guilty for unsolicited thanks.
*****
— Otter(s) an Hour (@OtterAnHour) September 17, 2022
Year 3, Day 186: Smol was apparently exposed to COVID last week. Their 5 day testing date was on Sunday but because the hospital didn’t do any PCR tests on Sunday, we had to take it on Monday.
We lost a precious daycare day today because Smol’s PCR test results didn’t come back negative until the afternoon. Our back up plan, their morning RATs, came back with faint positive lines. Both of them! Argh. It was altogether strange, the testing situation, and quite annoying to lose a paid for daycare day.
*****
I had an unsettling thought today: Offline, I keep my complaints to myself. This was a defensive tactic. Sharing my discontent was a weakness that would be exploited by at least one asshole in my life (generally my brother). But what if not allowing complaints as an adult has meant depriving myself of even the notion that I could get help? This should have occurred to me much sooner given how, if I finally was overburdened enough to complain at work, my boss would only then actually KNOW that I needed help and offer support. Duh?
*****
Reading this book to Smol, I was struck by how much I hated this sentiment:
I deeply love and miss my quiet time during the day, when I’d usually get all my work and household management and money work done. I love my solitude, even as I love time with my family in non-pandemic amounts. But I hate the anticipatory feeling or expectation that once the kids have grown and left, I’ll feel empty and alone in a way that isn’t particularly happy.
I suspect my underlying fear isn’t that I’m not a full person without the kids, but rather I’m not a full person because of my limitations. The kids mask the real problem by keeping me too busy to care as much how broken and like half a person I feel. Bet you $5 that if I didn’t recognize this problem, I’d become that controlling parent that expects her kids to keep her fulfilled and busy because she can’t do that on her own. I know a few of those moms (who are much older and still don’t have lives of their own). I mostly see that in moms I know, because dads still get to have their own lives even if kids are in the picture and moms “have to” sacrifice everything, even their personhood, to motherhood. I don’t want that.
But it feels like I’ve lost much of it anyway to my physical limitations and that’s both sad and scary.
Year 3, Day 187: Smol Acrobat had a really good dropoff, no tears, just a little distress but a manageable amount. My heart feels so much less burdened by this. They’re (mostly) eating ok, they’re sleeping ok at night, and now they’re doing ok going to daycare. I’m so relieved!
*****
I’m pretty exasperated that apparently one of the places that we donated to must have sold our name and address, because we are now getting a new influx of Jewish and Israeli solicitations for donations.
I’m also exasperated that JB can’t come home from school and be NOT a pill more than two days out of the week. They didn’t even LIKE Monday’s self defense class that repeats today. We told them this morning that since they already had a clear preference for the Tuesday / Thursday class, we wouldn’t go to the Wednesday class. They agreed, especially since that meant freeing them up to go pick up Smol from daycare. And yet when I reminded them of this in the afternoon, I get a big dollop of attitude/whining. UGH.
I walked away after telling them to get their after school chores done, I’m taking some time and space before I really lose my temper. har-UMPH.
*****
Stop what you’re doing.
Watch this instead. 🦆🦆🐕 🦆🦆 pic.twitter.com/lVmggncGCo
— Lisa is… 🎃 (@leeloowrites) September 19, 2022
Year 3, Day 188: A good day! PiC and I snuck away for an incredibly rare child-free outing. We explored the Ferry Building, always a favorite of mine, which has changed so much since the last time we were there.
We shared a dozen oysters and picked up an armload of goodies to bring home: empanadas, cheesecakes, porchetta sandwiches, and sous vide carnitas. I didn’t even stress about the $18 parking.
The weather was perfect. Sunny and warm and just a touch of a breeze. We were out exactly as long as I had energy for: about an hour. We came home to a surprise food delivery. More food!
We had to work, still, and did. But I also had a call with an old friend to catch up on their adventures, a tradition that goes back twelve years or so. Back then, she and PiC were two of three people who remembered my birthday. More people remember these days, including a few people I don’t particularly want to hear from, but I appreciate these deeply personal tiny traditions.
oops pic.twitter.com/eq9fVNwnaB
— The Golden Ratio (@TheGoldenRatio4) September 21, 2022
Year 3, Day 189: During Smol and my outdoor time, our neighbor and her puppy stopped by to say hello. The puppy has grown a lot! Also Sera came out for a romp. It’s amazing to see her interact with a puppy in a mature adult dog way. Such a fun way to start our day.
*****
TIL Smol Acrobat knows how to blow raspberries. I was the target of a massive series of raspberries attacks. They couldn’t stop giggling.
They’re also really taking to building blocks now. I was responsible for handing them blocks during their build period and quickly learned they have specific preferences for specific blocks for their building vision.
*****
Speaking of class and weirdness, it’ll never not be weird to me to hear JB talking to their classmates trading summer/winter vacation stories: Disney, Tahoe, Hawaii, Vancouver, etc.
Those were nothing but words to me at that age, not actual places that actual people could afford to go!
Also other things I overhear: I have 42 Hatchimals!
JB: I only have 1!
Classmate: WHAT?? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE??
*****
My entire body was lava muscles by the end of the night so PiC Hypericed the heck out of my back. Then we just laid on the ground for an hour talking about stuff. Birthday party logistics, my friend’s travel shenanigans, what the kids think of us, my therapy. We haven’t had time to just sit and talk like this regularly since COVID started. Conversations are squeezed in minutes here and there around the million other things that need doing. It almost feels weird but I’m glad we got that little respite.
With all these book bans, @levarburton‘s life just got a lot more difficult. #BannedBooksWeek pic.twitter.com/EcQ39p48Dw
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 23, 2022
That elephant book seems kind of GivingTree-esque. I am sure there are some people who are dreading their children leaving (I read about them on blogs), but personally I am proud of my kids for growing up and becoming their own people and being on their own. I would probably feel differently if they couldn’t text or call or facetime etc. But it’s not like they disappear forever. I don’t know how I would feel if I had physical limitations and a know history of pushing myself (possibly?) too hard, but that seems like something to bring up with your therapist?
My sister sent me a thing about the Girls Who Code series being added to banned lists. Which is insane! It can’t be about anything other than keeping women and minorities down because there’s zero sex, violence, or profanity in that middle-grade readers series.
You know what I’m realizing as we discuss this – there are more layers to this that I’ll have to discuss with my therapist than I expected. There’s the physical limitations bit (yes, I do push myself too hard and then crash but NOT having kids around would probably be better for that part) but also I think there’s a cultural component I hadn’t realized has leaked into my psyche. There’s a strong weird pull of always trying to keep your kids close to you/home that I think was rooted in the culture of elder-caretaking which was compounded by the diaspora and the total loss of contact that resulted from that. For families that left Vietnam way back when, there was a trauma of saying goodbye forever as far as they knew. I know my parents knew they might never to see their own parents again when they left.
Even in MY generation, growing up, the idea of flying to another country to visit your family was almost unthinkable. My parents went deeply into debt for it, I have cousins who still haven’t visited our family internationally because it’s not that easy to swing. Obviously it’s not prohibitively impossible these days with technology and relatively affordable airfare but we still don’t have contact with a good bit of our family because they’re out in the rural sticks. I think that left a deeper imprint than I expected.
I didn’t know that there WAS a Girls Who Code series but now we need to find them.
When my youngest was a bit younger than JB is now, being a cranky pill sometimes meant what she actually needed – was a loooong bear hug. And then a little longer and tighter too. And to be told that she was special and I loved her very much. “Children need love most when they deserve it least” is a quote that is sometimes painfully true. Because life is hard and emotions are big, and developing healthy coping skills & direct communication is something even we adults still have to work on. (I feel ya on the work situation – I’m dealing with a painful social situation where I should probably give feedback to the program director, but the idea of publicly announcing, “I’m hurt,” feels somehow both manipulative and entirely too vulnerable. Ugh.)
I very much appreciate this reminder! It helped me keep my cool at least while we worked through today’s frustrations.
I wonder if there’s a way to give feedback that doesn’t feel too vulnerable. I don’t think sharing your feelings is manipulative but I very much empathize with how it can feel vulnerable!
Not sure if we still have the same health care company, but if so, they just announced availability of 2 hour PCRs. Really, a PCR that doesn’t come back within a day (or much less) is not very useful, so I’m glad to hear that. Very weird about the two positive RAT lines – I would have been panicking, probably.
There is a part of me that feels some of my personhood got zapped by early motherhood, and then pandemic-hood made it hard to regain that sense of self, aside from my role in my family and my job. I recognize this is something for me to work on, but I do enjoy this stage of parenting a young kid, and the fleetingness of it is not lost on me. But, I hope I feel similar to nicoleandmaggie once I see LO developing into a capable adult. 🙂
I was trying my best not to panic after the second faint positive.
But you’re right! I only skimmed that email and didn’t notice the relevant 2 hour part! That will be really helpful the next time we have to do this. We know there will be a next time. :/
I think that’s true for me a bit as well, since we started the clock all over again! But since I do push the kids to be independent and grow, and I often tell them that our jobs are to help them grow into people who can make decisions for themselves, I hope I will just feel proud of them as they reach milestones.
I have a thought on the receiving thanks difficulty. My best friend shared with me the concept of something being an “opportunity for graciousness.” The example she provided was to accept gratefully when someone genuinely wants to pay for dinner, without fussing and arguing about it.
Perhaps your opportunity for graciousness is allowing someone to share their deep appreciation of your giving. It’s true you don’t do it to be thanked, but they must be so gobsmacked at the lovely haul you amass! Anyway, maybe viewing it that way will help with the discomfort you feel.
That’s a lovely way of thinking about it!
Agreed, that is a much better way to view it. I think my reaction is fueled by the fear/worry that nothing I do will ever be enough.