April 13, 2021
I’ve been thinking on this a lot for the past couple of months. Nicole and Maggie’s question prompted me to get on it!
We know we’re not traveling this summer. So many reasons:
- As of last week, there is an expectation that the state will mostly open up on June 15th, but…we’re not on any vaccination lists yet. Kaiser will tell us when they have enough vaccines, for now it’s nowhere in sight.
- Smol Acrobat is just an infant in the first rounds of their own regular vaccinations so we’re not risking their exposure to anything right now either.
- There aren’t any vaccines for JB’s age yet either.
- We have family who are vaccine hesitant for a variety of reasons that include complex medical histories and the mess that the CDC has made of messaging. I hope that they will change their minds as this year unfolds but I know it won’t be before summer. So we cannot rely on herd immunity.
Besides all that, my soul is NOT ready to plunge into the frantic make-up socializing that is on the horizon as people get vaccinated and burst out onto a social scene like the freaking Kool-Aid man through a wall. (See: the people who aren’t getting vaccinated and we won’t know who they are.)
We’re staying home and staying remote, then! I used Spring Break as our test case for the summer.
JB is pretty good at keeping themselves occupied but we have to work so we wanted to have some plans for their social interaction that doesn’t depend on me or PiC. (more…)
March 30, 2021
Consequences
JB was a big grump about having me trim part of their hair. It’s no fun for me, either. They won’t stay still, they won’t look up, they keep whining. Finally I warned them that they had better stay still and look up for a full minute, but since they didn’t, I just chopped large chunks out of their hair and let them go inside. It was 2 minute cut and it showed.
They burst inside: Dad look! It wasn’t even that long, I’m all done!
PiC: Great! Looks great!
They ran out of the room. He turns to me and mouthed: WHAT HAPPENED???
It was really that bad. But too bad! If they didn’t want a hack job, they should try standing still for more than 0.2 seconds.
From our perspective
We’ve had some good talks about parenting lately. Of course these stem from frustration and conflict, which doesn’t feel good, but from conflict comes understanding and growth for all of us. We’re trying to do our best to parent in a non authoritarian way and that’s completely uncharted territory in both our experiences. We tend to repeat what we know because that’s easiest and familiar. Going away from that deliberately means we’re writing new to us paths and feeling our way sometimes. The good thing is we talk through our conflicts as much as we can and try our best to create new patterns. Sometimes it feels like the stakes are lower for me because JB cares so much more about what PiC thinks, says, and does than me. It lowers the pressure when I screw up. They don’t have a problem having a rough time with me and saying it’s a rough time or acknowledging later that they know it was a frustrating time.
*****
(more…)
March 16, 2021
We watch too much Moana
JB is constitutionally incapable of eating a banana without saying after their first bite, “You’re NO ONE’s hero.”
PiC does it too.
Missing Seamus
JB has known about loss at a little bit of a distance for a long time. They know my mom died a long while ago, they know their great grandparents have died in the past few years. They know our friends’ dogs have died. They’ve been to three funerals. That was all academic.
Nothing comes close to the tearing emptiness of losing Seamus. Not even a little.
“Thinking about him doesn’t fill my bucket,” they sobbed.
No. Thinking of his memories still makes me cry a lot too. The memories are just too fresh.
I still reflexively look for him when I go from one room to the next. I still reflexively reach for his head when I pass by his bed.
They cry for him most nights of the week and we talk about him a lot.
(more…)
February 23, 2021
The Big 6
Well this is unsettling. It shouldn’t be, it’s not like we didn’t have plenty of warning that we were working our way up to age six. But the transition from age five to six, especially through a pandemic, has been really really really strange. “Suddenly” it seems like JB went from my slightly post-baby child to the start of a Big Kid. There’s no trace of the baby face anymore. It’s especially jarring when I look at the actual baby and then look at JB.
Heck, some of the familial facial traits are so strongly expressed now, it’s unsettling.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Totally not-fascinating newsflash: diaper brands in the same size vary widely! Looking at Size 1 and 2, the weight ranges are the same but the diapers are very much not the same. We bought Target’s generic up&up brand ourselves, but we were also gifted a few other brands – either gifts or hand me downs from folks who didn’t use up their supply.
If you’re curious, the sizes across brands go, from smallest to largest, as follows: Target, Pampers, Huggies, All Good, Mama Bear.
***
You know what’s really creepy? Smol will be fast asleep and suddenly open their eyes and look at us. Unblinking. Silently. For a few minutes. Then they close their eyes and sleep again. I don’t know what that’s about!
Pupdate
Sera seems oblivious to the lack of Seamus around here. It’s odd. She was so attached to him but maybe it was only for physical warmth? She definitely displays seeking behaviors towards the humans these days, she is concerned whenever PiC and JB are out of the house, but she hasn’t looked for Seamus at all. I’m not sure why that is but I guess that’s not totally abnormal.
Precious Moments
My biggest failure as a parent to date isn’t the fact that JB still routinely mixes us up, or that they keep referring to me as “your mom” to Smol Acrobat, or a myriad of other oddities. It’s that they casually asked: “When Sera dies, can we buy another house to live in? We’ve been here for years and I’m bored.” Knife to the money-wise heart, I tell ya. Though a friend pointed out that they have been trapped in this house in ways that we never anticipated.
*****
JB: Do I have to have a baby?
Me: Nope you never have to have babies if you don’t want them.
JB: Ok. Let’s have another! BOOP, you will have another next year!
Me: -_____-
*****
JB: Do I have to like this? (Gesturing at dinner)
Me: Nope. But you do have to eat it.
*****
JB: do you know why rattlesnakes are so polite?
Me: They’re… polite?
JB: Yeah! Before they sting you on your arm or your face, they hiss a warning at you with their tail! With their rattle! They’re the coolest snakes on earth.
Me: ….. Not ..really…no…
*****
JB very loudly to Smol Acrobat: hello my adorableness! Hello my snugglebunny! That’s MY snugglebunny, yes you are! Yes you are!
February 16, 2021
You have to prioritize
Just remembering back to Halloween. I was getting really grumpy because I had stolen bits of time here and there to set up a surprise Zoom Halloween playdate with treats and decoration for JB but I definitely didn’t have time to get them a new costume.
The week of, I overheard them telling their teacher that they “still don’t have their costume yet”. UGH. “They are REALLY going to be miffed about this,” I thought. Their auntie agreed. As a child, she would have been cranky that she didn’t get a new costume. I found myself getting wound up anticipating their reaction to the news of no costume, and my reaction to their reaction, and it was all bad all the way down.
But talking to their auntie about my grumpiness made me take a step back mentally and realize that there was actually a lesson here.
They could and should learn that we have to pick and choose where we put our energy. So as they were eating up a snack they’d brought me (but I thought was wayyy too sugary), I shared a SECRET: I only had time to EITHER get them a costume or plan a secret party for them and her two friends. And I decided that they would probably rather have a party than a new costume. Their eyes going wide, they immediately agreed that a party is more fun than a new costume and that they would just wear an old costume.
A few minutes later: “Mom, in fact, you didn’t even NEED to buy me a costume! I have PLENTY of clothes and costumes that I can pick from that people gave me so you don’t need to buy anything more!” (more…)
January 26, 2021
I missed a few publishing dates here and there so some of these will be out of sync for a bit.
The boredom limit
I had expected this but I was hoping it wouldn’t come this soon. JB was generally enjoying kindergarten because it was easy. Why not?
But I thought it was inevitable that at some point, they would tire of spending time in a class where they weren’t learning anything. We kept on with their tutor in anticipation of this very thing and lo, one morning they declared: I hate kindergarten! It’s so boring, we aren’t learning anything. Why didn’t the other kids learn before kindergarten?
We had a talk about privilege, about how everyone learns at a different pace, how the teachers don’t have the same resources or teaching styles as they had at daycare, and that not all kids have the same resources either. It’s going to be challenging for JB to deal with being ahead of their class solely because of the privilege of having had a strong academic education, when their social development is firmly in this age/grade.
It’s actually going to be hard on all of us because they displayed serious disengagement from the class after that announcement and we’re going to need to navigate this in some sensible way.
(more…)
December 22, 2020
Developmental Check Ins
We’re lucky to count among our dear friends and family two teachers who are professionally focused on JB’s grade level. This means we can ask the “IS THIS NORMAL” question and get an answer that’s complete and geared towards helping them improve as a good human. We are so grateful for that guidance.
Especially when they share anecdotes confirming that all five year olds are this weird!
For example, it was helpful to hear that being able to see things from someone else’s perspective isn’t a mental framework that they have at this age, that’s something we still have to help them do.
Pupdate
Sera is, currently, the lowest maintenance member of the Dependents Pack and that’s a weird thing to say. But despite her behaviors and fears, which are still definitely present and mean that she is not trustworthy off leash at all or around strange dogs, she IS the healthiest and least needy right now. I’ll take it. Oh and after 3+ years with us, she’s finally chosen someone to bond to. PiC! Hahaha of course.
Sir Seamus, though, oh boy. He’s wobbly (neurological issues that we’re managing with meds but can’t cure) which means we have to be SUPER careful walking him lest he fall over. He still does at random times as his legs just give out. He keeps getting infections, his eyes were a whole THING for months (he did get a clean bill of eye health recently though! yay!), his feet break out in hot spots randomly and hurt, his vision is going, his hearing is bad, his sniffer doesn’t sniff well. But the tricky thing is: he’s still generally a happy pup. He still declares that the post-person is a rude enemy, he’s still absolutely got an appetite, he enjoys his walks even if they are slow and wobbly. He doesn’t fall asleep upside down anymore but he does still do his Happy Rolls.
Second trimester
At this stage, I am continually overeating at most meals to make up for lost ground when I was so nauseated before. (The nausea is much lower now, though it conveniently pops up when cooked vegetables are in the vicinity.)
My level of consumption is a bit scary. I’m only eating until I feel full but the quantities required are … rather like feeding Teen Me again.
6 hearty street tacos, plus rice
Two double cheeseburgers without buns but extra lettuce and tomato
Half a tray of enchiladas
The bonus bizarre thing now is that the kiddo seems to Pac-Man chomp all the food I’ve consumed within 20-30 minutes. I can actually feel it “disappearing” chomp chomp chomp. It’s … Creepy. It doesn’t seem biologically possible or plausible but it really feels like the kid is sucking up my meal because I go from feeling too full to nearly hungry again in a matter of minutes.
Unlike with JB, I’m resting when I need it instead of pushing myself on guilt and willpower. I already use plenty of that for living through a pandemic, managing full time work while sharing childcare duties with PiC who is also working, and caring for our pups. If my body needs rest and I can lay abed for an extra 20 minutes, I do. If it’s a weekend and after an active morning, I’m beat? I lay down. Carrying a whole human is work and I’m not forgetting it like I did with JB. Especially since, though the memories are years off, I recall being even more exhausted with an infant. I will savor every bit of rest I can get now because there’s going to be precious little of that in the future.
It’s not just being more aware is making me amenable to rest though. It’s that all of us being at home removes one critical stress factor. I don’t feel the need to get up and help them get out the door on time. Schedules are less of an issue when there’s no commute to account for. There is of course still a school schedule, and work, but it’s different when you can mosey over on your own two feet.
Precious Moments
“Mom I closed the door so you would not be annoyed by all the talking in the room.” Sits down and starts reading out loud.
To myself: BUT YOU ARE STILL ON THIS SIDE OF THE DOOR.
***
Me: JB, can you go get my water bottle for me please?
JB: Yes matey!
***
JB: I’m sorry your work is annoying.
Me: Me too.
***
Dammit!
I asked JB to read to baby because they are kicking the crap out of me, and I suggested they might be a little upset about something. They replied “oh if Baby is upset, we should just leave them alone for a while so they can calm down.”
THAT IS EMOTION MANAGEMENT FOR NON FETUS PEOPLE THOUGH. I cannot leave the fetus anywhere right now!