January 3, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 288: In the spirit of caring about the little things we have, I’m a bit sad that I’ve finally worn holes through my blue socks. They’re the socks that PiC gave me ten or so years ago, and they’ve been good socks. They’ll be missed.
I also discovered the limits of our plastic ziplock bags. We’ve been using some of these for almost 7 years, and I put them back into rotation for the last time this week. I put my thumb through the side of two of the oldest bags. Whoops! We have stretched their lives as long as we could, though, and I’m proud that we are teaching JB not treat plastic bags as disposable either. I know on the grand scale this doesn’t matter but it matters to me that we make an effort to get the most use out of everything we have and not just cycle through waste thoughtlessly.
Year 2, Day 289: JB (and I do too) count every little get together with family or friends as another Christmas. There have been a lot. We’re masked, vaccinated, and running an air purifier for every possible encounter, and we’ve been rapid testing, but I’m still antsy so have been looking for PCR tests for days. I don’t want to be irresponsible sending JB to school if they’re somehow an asymptomatic carrier!
I finally lucked out and got appointments for all of us next week which is later than I wanted but at least it’s earlier in the week than what I was finding last week.
Year 2, Day 290: Our friend has passed. I’d been holding my breath going into Christmas Day and then again after when we didn’t hear anything. The moment I forgot to hold it, we got the news.
I was grieving coming up to this point and now I just feel hollow. 9 losses in the last twelve months.
I’m glad we were able to hold her hand one last time. I’m glad she was able to ask for a kiss and be delighted by it. I’m glad she was well loved and she knew it. But I’m so mad that we lost her so soon. I’m so mad we lost so many this year too soon. (more…)
December 27, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 281: Intense family time began over the weekend (though any extended-family time is intense for me these days) and will continue in some form until the end of the year.
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to spend quality time with these aunties, one at a time, but it’s also a whole LOT of juggling trying to figure out work and childminding and socializing and how to allocate my energy and and and. The holiday season intensifies my brain fog something wicked.
I set out a very specific schedule to ensure that we balance our many human and canine needs (which unfortunately always includes work for me) and space the socializing enough to make it through the whole schedule. I try really really hard not to make any mistakes but we had one this year that required shuffling of plans and I thought it was very telling that I was so so relieved that the error wasn’t mine. It’s ok for other people to make mistakes but not me, still. SMH.
Year 2, Day 282: JB got a lesson in setting a formal dining table and an adventure in shopping for shoes (masked, not around many other people, lots of open air).
They even got to visit with the fluffiest cats who were friendly as anything and willing to let both kids pet them. It was an absolute delight. We’ve worked really hard on JB’s cat manners and I was so proud when they remembered all of it well enough that the cats approached them.
Year 2, Day 283: My energy, it is drained. I have all kinds of work nonsense to figure out and it’s still Intense Family Time too. Juggle juggle juggle juggle SMASH.
Ok nothing has smashed quite yet but it’s not great. I did get one tiny bright spot of good news at work though which should make our lives 2% better (at first) and I hope for a rapid increase in improvement after that. But still, I must first wade through the nonsense. And make PHONE CALLS. Yuck.
***** (more…)
December 20, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 274: I’m a shambling mess today. Wait that implies an ability to move. Scratch that. Just a mess, then. The combo of the cold and then the booster trying to teach my immune system to do a thing has produced an internal storm of fatigue, full body aches, nausea chills and hot flashes that may be fever except I’m too beat to check to see. I took the day off because I couldn’t sit up and alternately shivered and sweated it out while PiC held down the fort. Absolutely misery. He’s a champ considering he also didn’t feel well at all and still he kept all the kids alive, fed, safe and warm when I couldn’t lift a finger to save myself. He should be the standard for partners, not the exception.
*****
It looks like my official CFS diagnosis is recorded after all. I wasn’t sure but the doc confirmed today that I fit all the parameters. She suggested a number of mitigation strategies that mainly add up to “work with the little you have instead of wishing for more or acting like you can power through because that’ll make it worse.”
And ok that makes sense but also I hate it.
Sigh.
So I have to consider getting a wearable to teach my heart rate to see if that helps inform my daily activity choices. Often CFS folks will see their heart rate spike when they’re overdoing it. I have to think about whether I want to try an off label medication that seems to help about 25% of patients with both pain and fatigue. But mostly I have to accept working within my limitations so that I don’t always run on empty which will make the CFS worse.
Year 2, Day 275: I’m … Less terrible today. I’m at this kitten’s level of strength.
Luckily PiCs been chugging along doing his AND my share of chores: cooking all meals, cleaning, picking and dropping off JB at school, walking, minding Smol in between naps. We’d be doomed if not for him.
But I can tell the rest is helping, slowly but surely. I’m still miserable but it’s not as bad as it was yesterday and maybe won’t be as bad tomorrow. I hope our fresh boosters mean we have really solid protection against omicron. I just have to play a firm defense for Smol Acrobat since they have zero protections.
*****
Oh good news: JB is fully vaxxed!! Yay protection for one kid!
Come on vaccines for the under 5 and under 2 groups!!
Year 2, Day 276: I had a huge disappointment with a work project today and I had to rant about it a bit. It’s going to have a big impact on me and my team and I am just too tired to rally right now. So I’m going to schedule in a break before I tackle it again.
Year 2, Day 277: Had an absolutely awful physical and mental health day today. They fed into each other and I found my brain chasing its tail down the well worn corridors of: you’re physically useless so you’re just a burden (the number of times I heard that word from a relative…), I fight every day to do my best and my best still isn’t good enough so why should I keep fighting. I found myself in that unbelievably angry and bitter place in short order, set off by the smallest of remarks. It was rough.
I managed to remind myself that when I hurt the most physically, I feel the most vulnerable emotionally, and that’s when I feel like I must go on the attack against myself so that others can’t hurt me again. If I tear myself down first, no one else can hurt me the same way.
It’s familiar but it’s not healthy and it took some hours to work through.
*****
Hello, wall of planning paralysis. I’d normally be much more ready for the holidays by this time in the month but I lost so much time to illness and fatigue that my spirit has given up on trying to get to the normal level of readiness. I skipped designing, ordering, and mailing holiday cards entirely, that cut out one huge swath of time sink but the remaining tasks are Herculean. For all the niblings I won’t be seeing this year, I should have gotten their cards in the mail two weeks ago. I haven’t even put them in envelopes today!
Year 2, Day 278: I’ve been working from bed all week to conserve energy and my butt is ten kinds of numb. I really need a better pillow support system / set up. Something that supports my back and neck when I’m sitting more straight up and allows support to move with me when I have to slide down.
JB gets out of school REALLY early today and thankfully PiC has arranged his schedule to mostly be off so that he can cover the children and let me work and get caught up on my ridiculous backlog of work that built up over the past 3 weeks of me being totally off my game.
I went from intense working mode into full holiday prep mode and by 8 pm, right about when I had intended to go back to work and clear up some more work, it hit me that I am so very very tired.
*****
I thought I’d read this elsewhere but happened across it on AITA again recently and had to laugh how spot on this is: the narcissist’s prayer.
“That didn’t happen! And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, it wasn’t my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”
:: Hope you had a great weekend!
December 13, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 267: Possibly my least favorite thing about the responsibilities parenting right now is doing the night time floss and brush with JB. They whine so much. But we must because the dentist says we must and while I might naysay most anyone else, I will comply with dentist’s orders like whoa. I love going to the dentist and I want to always love going to the dentist, I don’t ever want to walk in there with guilt and shame over having neglected my kid’s teeth. PiC does a lot of those too but I feel more responsible since he already does most of the kid night time routines.
*****
Everyone is sick today. š¤¢ Even Sera is sneezing her head off!! Smol is spiking a fever, JB and PiC are leaky faucets, I feel wrung out and drained to the dregs (which is also normal for me too but in a sick way this time).
The only good thing is when I administered the first dose of ibuprofen to Smol for the fever, braced for baby war, they relaxed and didn’t fight every microliter like the last time they were feverish. I don’t know if this was a fluke but I hope they’ve developed a taste for the medicine enough so we don’t have to battle it out every time.
*****
I am hoping I fixed the dishwasher leak problem. PiC noticed it was leaking during a cycle the other day and I wondered if it was a seal problem. Wiped the whole thing clean with vinegar and discovered that HELLO there was a screw loose in the casing that was preventing the door from sealing. It also damaged the seal but I’m hoping that small tear isn’t enough to cause leaks.
Year 2, Day 268: Huzzah, Smol will take their medicine without flipping out!! Thank everything. I wonder if it’s because I upgraded to a bigger and better syringe or if it’s just because they’re older, don’t feel as terrible as last time, and the taste isn’t new. Whatever it is, I’m grateful every single time I dose them.
*****
We all feel like some version of garbage today. Of course JB remains full of energy and Tigger bounces around despite their symptoms. I’m grateful to yesterday me for poaching chicken breast to make broth. That broth plus rice became warm breakfast chao ga. 8 year old me would be aghast that I served rice porridge for breakfast, I used to hate that. But everyone here today was happy with their breakfast. Hint: remember to take zinc AFTER eating. Before makes all the food taste terrible!
We did the most sloth-slug possible version of parenting today. We traded childminding every one or two hours as usual. For his off time, PiC passed out on the ground. The kids and I watched the robot vacuum, me quietly taking satisfaction in having the grit removed from our floors, them slightly concerned about the possibly sentient being.
We went outside for a breath of fresh air. I’ve been trying to get them out for walks midday, today was an extremely abbreviated jaunt.
It was my turn to work after I sent Smol to Sleepytown part 2. I decided in favor of self preservation and stopped after I cleared the most time critical work. JB built a nest for me and waited by the bedside until I went to lay down. They read the rest of the time. PiC was still miserably sick but went out (masked of course) to pick up the provisions that we had so unfortuitously ran out of. It was a hot and sour soup kind of sick day. Hot and sour soup feels like it burns out some of the sick. Of course it doesn’t but the numbing effect is appreciated.
I dosed everyone with ibuprofen, Zarbee’s, or Robitussin and sent everyone to bed early.
Year 2, Day 269: Another weird day as everyone continues to feel cruddy.
Smol was grumpy half the day but oddly cheerful intermittently so they must not feel so bad. They, bless all the things, continue to take their medication happily so that’s one less fight.
*****
I sorted a medium load of laundry and got that running. Even when I’m feeling run down, I’m so grateful that I can take dirty clothes, put them in a machine, then put them in another one, and they get cleaned and dried. Growing up, I spent time out in the countryside where all the washing was done by hand and I never again took our luxury of a washing machine and dryer for granted. Even if I don’t put them away right away, it also makes life so much easier to have some clean socks, underwear, masks, and a few shirts somewhere.
*****
YAY I just sold the last of the Snoo swaddles. PiC had commented that he’d have thrown them all into a bundle for $30 and unloaded them in one go. I therefore took that as a silent challenge to make this worth my while. In the end, I made $76 after fees! Woo! My way was slow but it was worth it! Because I more than doubled the amount he would have randomly listed it for. š
Year 2, Day 270: I thought I’d feel better today but I was dizzy half the morning through a very important meeting where I had to look and sound coherent. Awesome. Really love that.
*****
We had registered for the state’s Brace and Bolt program a couple years ago but they gave us such a short timeline, at a really bad time for us, to get the work done that I had to let it expire. The program opened up again recently and after three reminders, I decided to just submit our application again this year just to see if we get approved again next year.
*****
I bumble along best I can when I’m sick, trying to learn to pace myself better and take breaks when it doesn’t feel like there’s any room in the day to take breaks. If I don’t, my whole body will fall apart. Once I’m sick, it sets off a cascade effect with my fibro pain so not only do I get the fun viral stuff (sore throat, runny nose, cough, fatigue), I also get intense joint and muscle pain every single time. Woo. I’m learning, though. I’ve been getting by on the bare minimum this week so the pain is a little less intense. My wrists couldn’t bear weight yesterday, which is just perfect when you’ve got a little one crawling about, but fighting my urge to force myself to power through means today, that particular pain is less intense than it would normally be. Other aches pop up, and again, I focus on doing the best I can to rest and doing my best not to fret about it. Fretting doesn’t help and it actually probably makes the pain part worse. I do whine though. Grumble grumble whine.
*****
JB read to Smol for bedtime tonight, and then asked me to listen to them read for their bedtime. They don’t often want me for bedtime reading, they strongly prefer PiC and I’m usually so tired I just roll with it but I’m trying not to miss these small moments so I go and sit with them before bed.
Year 2, Day 271: I’m laying on the floor to write this at the end of Friday night so that gives a general idea of the state of things.
A miserable Smol is in bed. JB will be soon. I hope to be very very soon.
Smol no longer takes their medicine without a screaming (them) fight/struggle (both of us). š This is no good.
It’s also gotten ice cold this week and that doesn’t feel so great in combination with my worn out state. So this is the boo hoo section. Moving on…
*****
Taking a moment to be so grateful for our community who pitches in when a friend is in need. My head has been congested and splitting all week so Abby kindly assisted with getting the message out and our people stepped up. We bought our friend a little breathing space and a safe place to stay for a few more days while they regroup and figure out next steps. Some offered assistance with job hunting and that may be useful soon, we’ll find out. It’s amazing how a community can lift one another up if we’re willing to make the effort. (The irony of that metaphor as I lay on the ground tickles.)
*****
I’ve finally wrapped almost all the holiday gifts that I had ready. I still need to figure out what’s going on with my sewing machine because I wanted to whip up a quick blanket for JB from the remaining project fleece I’d bought. I only have a few more days to do that before I’m out of time for such things. I hope I have the energy to do that this weekend. We have our boosters scheduled for the weekend and that could really upend all the plans.
:: I hope your holiday plans are bringing more joy than stress?
December 6, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 260: Shifting back to normal school and work mode after a long holiday weekend and having a helpful person around is, in my professional opinion, YUCK.
*****
I’ve been rotating through four pairs of sweatpants for a solid year, day and night, because they’re so warm and comfy why would I wear anything else? I only put on real pants to take JB to school. Sometimes. Sweats are real.
We’re going to see people for the holidays and I’m not looking forward to the need to look like I give two hoots about how I look but I should probably get a pair of jeans that aren’t ripped clear across the leg? The last pair I bought was seven years ago and they’re in a pretty shabby state. I do have a smart looking pair of grey corduroy pants that I’d just get a duplicate of in another color but these dandy things are even older than my jeans and aren’t available anymore. Alas. (PiC thinks my pants being older than JB makes them OLD. I say they’re still young until we hit the 20s.)
I spent all day with a vague sense of missing sales but the few things we need weren’t available (pants for me, though I didn’t bother searching more than two stores) or aren’t on sale (the Le Crueset enameled cast iron frying pan because we’re sick of the waste of nonstick pans that don’t last) anyway.
On principle, I was tempted to shop more small businesses but that would be gratuitous right now. We just spent a small fortune at a small business for our anniversary gift.
I’ve been working on gifting and visiting logistics for the upcoming holidays and have a three page checklist in play now. Before any of that socializing can happen, though, JB has to get their second vaccine, PiC and I will need to get our boosters, and even Sera will need a flu booster since there’s dog flu outbreak going on. Only Smol Acrobat may dodge the needles this month, though I can’t be certain whether they’re due for anything routine soon.
I’m crossing my entire body like a pretzel hoping large vaccine trials for the under 5 and under 2 sets (they’re being tested separately) yield solid data SOON.
Year 2, Day 261: Smol miraculously slept 11 hours! But my brain fog, oohhh my brain fog today, so thick, it felt impossible to think around.
My first sign it wasn’t going to be a great day was when I started making breakfast and stopped a split second before I cracked all the eggs into the compost bin. At least it was before. I’ve done this before and only caught myself after a few eggs.
I’ve been holding on to a prescription of meds to take as needed, intermittently, for fatigue. Through the fog, I reasoned that this inability to think, this feeling like my brain is stuffed full of cotton, MAY be related to fatigue? Hell, it’s worth a shot. I tried my first, very low, dose. I didn’t notice much change in the first half hour but it seemed to lift a bit of the fog enough so I could clear a few things off my desk.
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November 29, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 253: JB and I have been spending bits of time together which we haven’t done since the pandemic started, it feels like. I’ve been helping them with their hair and reading to them some nights. I think my therapist was at least partially right that a major source of frustration and conflict we’ve been having lately has been related to their lack of connection to me which I was strongly feeling the lack of as well. These very little things that we’re doing together somehow seems to take the edge off our interactions that were frustrating me so much earlier.
Related, I think: They called me Mommy today for the first time in two years.
*****
A crowd of relatives dropped by for a visit and they brought GERMS with them. UGHHHH. I was immediately infected and so very very frustrated by this. We work so hard to protect Smol and me from germs right now, when we’re on a razor’s edge of being burnt out, and then this. It’s so inconsiderate. We’re immensely lucky to have help in this moment and I’m so mad that that’s squandered because people couldn’t have some consideration for my health. We were all masked of course but that and airflow still wasn’t enough to save me with more than one person running around sick and my not knowing that.
I’m very frustrated.
Year 2, Day 254: Still sick. Still frustrated.
I have a mega ton of work today and no energy with which to do it. So instead of getting it done early so I can enjoy Thanksgiving Thursday off with my family, I have to do the bare minimum today and conserve my energy to try to survive until Thursday. Awesome.
Still, my priorities are at least a little better in that I’m annoyed about the work but I’ve grown to a place where it doesn’t eat away at me (consciously, I still get the work nightmares at times) like it once would have. That’s a big change for me and I’m glad for the shift.
*****
Sometimes Smol is crawling across the floor and stops to do downward dog pose and I don’t know why they do it but it tickles me every single time.
I’m also tickled by their sudden flopping around thing they’re doing. It’s silly and funny.
Year 2, Day 255: We’re normally done with our grocery shopping by now but the disruptions to our pre Thanksgiving routine continued into today and I finally had to break away from work to just go and shop. It was another set of frustration but ultimately the best plan given everything that was going on.
I did put in some solid work time so that I could be set up to skip a day of work tomorrow and be ready to deal with stuff again on Friday at least part of the day no matter how little I want to go back to work. Definitely don’t wanna.
After three almost uninterrupted hours of work, I emerged from my cocoon to play with the kids a bit before we finally wrangled some leftovers for dinner. Our meal times have been all over the place lately and I just wasn’t hungry from still feeling sick anyway so I just grazed.
Year 2, Day 256: As we slowly started our day, PiC mentioned that an old friend is back in town. Not a particularly close friend but one that goes back several years. Normally it’d be fun to have an impromptu meet up with them but the timing overlaps with my person’s time here which has been well and truly disrupted beyond all reason so I firmly put the kibosh on this new development. I like them but no. I may not have set plans for the day but what I do have is a firm conviction that I am absolutely not open to making it work with anyone else for any reason, period. I’m done. While he doesn’t typically argue when I feel this strongly about it, and rightfully so, I normally would have guilted myself into trying to make it happen for his sake. They’re not here that often and I like him getting to see his people when possible. And especially after our being isolated for so long, it’s harder on him than it is on me. He wants to see people. I only want to see very specific people and anyone outside that list is exhausting right now.
So not this time. My person’s time is my priority and that’s that.
*****
We planned to start cooking at 130 but really started at 12. I’m glad because it worked out to a super early midday dinner at 4 pm when Smol was asleep. We were able to enjoy our hard earned sit-down meal at a leisurely pace without the squawking demands of a fussy eater. After they woke up, they got to have their own sit-down with our leftovers, and of course they squeaked and squawked and did their thing but it didn’t matter because we all had happy full bellies and had an hour to rest.
We still have entirely too many leftovers, of course, but not of turkey this year.
We decided to try something new and it’s a good thing we did because we ran out of fridge and freezer space four days ago. I’m not sure where we’d have fit a turkey.
*****
Oh also yesterday, JB and I had a few long conversations about the origin of this holiday. We told them that it actually involves a whole lot less goodwill towards the First Nations people than the stories say and a whole lot more bad behavior on the part of the colonists. For the sake of being age appropriate, we didn’t get into the genocide part yet, we can do that later.
They were appalled that their teacher didn’t tell them the whole truth. I explained that there are probably a lot of reasons for the half “truth” but that they also shouldn’t march in there and call the teacher a liar over it. (Not in first grade at least…) Twitter found this whole thing very amusing.
Year 2, Day 257: Definitely had to work but didn’t wanna today. I did the bare minimum and skipped out before 5 (barely). This has been a most unsatisfying week compared to what I had envisioned but I was super grateful to have my person here all this time. The kids adore them utterly and it’s been a real balm for the soul to have someone who loves the kids and who I love be here with us.
We even took a couple hours (across two days) to watch Shang-Chi. Note: I will watch anything with Michelle Yeoh, Gina Torres, or Ming Na in it. But I truly cannot remember when we adults last had a movie night. Years, plural, minimum. On the second day, JB excused themselves on the grounds that live action movies sometimes scare them and they believe it’s real when watching. We told them they’re never obliged to watch anything they don’t want to, but having a screaming tantrum about it (like they kind of did on the first day) is completely inappropriate. Just leave the room!! So they did. They did a solo art activity session for 1.5 hours and enjoyed themselves heartily. Isn’t that so much better than tormenting yourself or having a tantrum?
The first day behavior is clearly a mimicry of a cousin whose behavior I cannot stand. We have to “deprogram” JB from those absorbed behaviors every flipping time we see them and it’s such a pain. More on this later.
So grateful for the weekend!!
:: If you celebrated or had some time off, how was your long/holiday weekend?
November 22, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 246: Smol slept in! Which was both nice for us and also disruptive because when they get up early, their first nap works well with the school dropoff and work start routine. Ah well. After dropoff, I took the prenap hour with them: a bottle, some time to wreak havoc and pull everything out of baskets several times, then a game of chase around the playmat. Cackles galore!
We got almost two hours of work in, during which I tested out an anti-anxiety exercise of writing out all the things plaguing my brain right now and separating the stuff I cannot control from the list of things I can control. The latter list is so short. The former list, so long.
*****
I hate hiring.
*****
I came pretty close to finishing my day’s work by 8 pm at which point I just needed to take another break (having taken one for dinner). Unfortunately almost wasn’t good enough and since PiC has a massive day of meetings tomorrow, I went back to finish up and try to make some headway into tomorrow’s work since I’ll be primary caretaker for half the day. Upon crawling into bed, I contemplated how profound a difference it is between being in pain and not being in pain. Pain meds rarely work well for me but on the rare occasions that they do, I feel that absence of pain so intensely. My doctor refers to me as “not a drugs person” but if pain meds were that effective every time? I’d be on them in a heartbeat. It also makes me marvel about how people who don’t live in pain every waking and most sleeping moments must take that for granted.
Year 2, Day 247: I’d forgotten how terrible it feels when my pain meds work on the physical pain and simultaneously block my brain from falling asleep. I got three hours of sleep last night. š By 10 am, my muscles were on fire and my brain had gone all spinny. I took a short “break”, set myself up on the bed with a huge stack of pillows for about 5 minutes before Smol woke up and thank goodness for that reset. I wish I’d thought to do that sooner. I was forcing myself to power through because there’s too much to do in too little time, of course.
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