Year 5, Day 124: For the past two weeks, PiC has had at least one bad driver encounter on their bike commute. I hate it so much.
Just this weekend, a bicyclist was hit and killed by some asshole driver in an area we are familiar with.
It’s usually an asshole driver around here – rushing to cut off other drivers before the red light, and/or running a very red light. They’re definitely disregarding pedestrians and bicyclists.
*****
Smol Acrobat came home with a bit of a leaky nose and a moan-groan-bemoan attitude. “I’m not few-wing well” they say. Oh boy. (We tested, negative for COVID.)
Trainer time! Week 2! We are going to schedule my workouts for every other day. That feels like a pace I can handle. It helps that I want to do it and I like to do it, it also helps to have someone tell me to do less this week to avoid a fatigue crash.
My brain knows this up until the point of doing the thing and suddenly it gets caught up remembering this was a dopamine generator! Let’s push through! More is good! But no, no it’s not.
Year 5, Day 125: I ache from head to toe. Smol Acrobat is a bit sicker, though testing negative for COVID right now so it’s probably just a bit of a cold viral thing, and I’m keeping my distance but PiC had to get up with them in the night. I was first up, which is unusual. More so today because I slept badly. I keep waking up sweating buckets in the middle of the night. Don’t know what it is but this is getting old.
But the real whammy was that a friend needed childcare and we took on 3 bonus children most of the day. This, after hosting JB’s friend for 3 days. We vastly, deeply, overestimated our ability to deal with such a crowd. On the one hand, Smol Acrobat was tickled pink with the company, both of them had a ton of fun with the bonus siblings. On the other hand, children talk so much. SO MUCH. They talked my ear right off.
PiC handled half the day on his own, taking all four kids (minus Smol Acrobat who I raced to drop off and raced back to my desk) out on an adventure. I worked as fast as I could and then made their snacks, ordered dinner, minded them for an hour or so until we
I was very pleased to be able to tangibly help our friend who is going through a bad divorce from an abusive spouse, and it was good to see them, but also wow did that take so much energy.
Unfortunately that also required me to stay up and work until midnight to clear enough work off the desk to feel an ounce less despair over how behind I am. If I can get more caught up before the weekend then it’ll actually stay caught up. But getting there is going to take a lot of work.
Trainer rest day that wasn’t restful.
Year 5, Day 126: I’m still so physically tired from yesterday I don’t even have the energy to dopamine farm today. My brain status: dude, if you can lift your arms, you’re doing well today. Who cares if we get anything done.
Oh right. The job cares. The job cares and the bills care and the kids needing feeding care. Fine. I spent the day catching up painfully and slowly on one mountain after another, only taking a short lunch break and a Walk the JB break when they hadn’t been outside all day and refused to go do SOMETHING active on their own. They had been puttering around the house doing the laundry as instructed but filling in the gaps with books, comic books, and the occasional video game.
Trainer time! I didn’t like squeezing it all into the end of the day but that’s how the cookie crumbled today, between having to take JB out for their outside time and keeping me locked down at my desk to push through piles of paperwork. Luckily they felt easy: glute bridges and calf raises. Note for trainer: I accidentally did a cardio today.
Year 5, Day 127: Sent a nibling a belated graduation gift today. Tracking the birthday gifts for this weekend’s birthday party.
Annnnd another round of layoffs are looming at PiC’s work. My pessimism was spot on – this spring I darkly predicted that we could breathe safely for about one quarter before we’d be holding our breaths again. It’s not just us, I see a headline that I won’t link to because it’s Fox “Layoffs announced at multiple companies this summer”, and that tallies with the lists of layoffs we have been seeing. But here we are again. We’ve been stretched thin this year, emotionally, physically and financially, after Sera’s intensive care and vet bills, and as we helped out a bunch of people who are living far more on the edge. Most of it was direct aid so we won’t see it again, and that’s fine, and some of it was big loans and we’ll deal with that later.
Funny story: the toaster oven caught on literal fire today. I realized we don’t have any fire retardant in the kitchen and dithered over the idea of throwing flour on it because what a mess that would make. PiC found a more sedate way to put it out and all was well. Go figure this was probably the least taxing thing of the week.
Note for trainer: Oops, another accidental cardio today. It’s my rest day though, so this was just bonus.
Year 5, Day 128: It’s been a week of overcommitting, both for work and personal stuff, and today’s no exception.
I’ve been working flat out and late into the night most of the week to burn through my backlog to create time for a doggy playdate today. It felt hard to fit in but there was no question of giving up the plan because it’s been 3.5 weeks since my last dog time. That’s far too long.
Pup and I spent about an hour together. My soul needed that. There’s a special sort of happiness generated from spending time with a dog that simply can’t be made any other way. Then I got back to work and cranked through another few piles. There’s light at the end of that tunnel yet.
Note for trainer: Oops, another accidental cardio today. Well, not accidental. More like a plan with consequences I ignored beforehand. I went to a friend’s to borrow their dog for a walk. That plan was revised almost immediately to taking him home to play because they’re so busy they haven’t played in ages and my legs were going to fall off if I didn’t sit down, or at least stop walking so much, for a while. We hung out in the yard playing fetch for nearly half an hour and that was perfect. Pup was happy and exhausted and I was happy and exhausted. We’ll bridge this dog-less life gap with more of these doggy playdates. It doesn’t erase the sadness but it does generate a special kind of happiness.
In the end, between that and an adventure with PiC that involved so many unauthorized and unappreciated stairs, leagues and leagues of them, I had to quit on my workout plan for the day. Or so I thought.
When I got home and realized that two of the three exercises were arms, I knocked those out so that my body was evenly balanced, top and bottom, with fatigue. Win?
Year 5, Day 124: My struggle with brain fog for the past decade has routinely made me feel akin to Charlie from Flowers for Algernon on the back end of the experiment: my mental capabilities have have peaked and now I was just on an inexorable downward slide. That was before I had a term for what was happening when my brain felt like cotton and I almost physically struggled to get my brain to work or think. These days, I know what it is but that doesn’t help the slight depression that sets in when my own personal Karl the fog rolls over. This is one of the reasons I started Duolingo, out of a hope that maybe the language practice will both sharpen my skills a bit and maybe get the brain synapses snapping enough to ward off the fog.
I’ve been lucky to be clear for a few weeks, but I can feel it edging in again. Sigh. I didn’t miss mini-Karl. Fitting that it’s rolled in thick, along with SF-Karl.
Getting back into the swing of things of work again has meant dealing with the height of people’s incompetence. I knew the pendulum would eventually swing this way, but hoped it would be a lot further off in the future. I published this tee and tote design to let off some steam.
Trainer time: we agreed to start with four small workouts a week to see how that goes. This week it’ll be Sun/Tues/Thurs/Sat to give me a rest day in between all workouts at first. Yesterday’s was broken up across the day: a 14 minute walk / 2 sets of 4 modified pushups (my wrists hated that) / 2 sets of 5 lateral raises (not bad), 3 sets of 15 second planks (I didn’t give myself much recovery time in between, no wonder the last two felt so much harder). Today is my rest day and the way I’m crackling, boy howdy. Nothing hurts too much yet so we’re going to not push it. That’s the whole motto of this training work: don’t push it. Consistency is our goal.
Year 5, Day 125: All Neil Gaiman works have been evicted from my shelf. They’re all in a box to be labeled with something appropriately scathing. I won’t be angry at myself for believing he was a reasonably decent person at the time I was a fan and enjoyed his works, the Death of the Endless is my headcanon, but I hate that he betrayed everyone’s trust so badly.
Work was sixteen kinds of frustrating today so I consciously chose to work on a personal project at night instead of putting in free overtime. I’m making packing cubes for the kids. I had completely forgotten how much I hate sewing corners. Hate hate hate. Jabbed myself several times with the pins and sewed over the zipper a few times trying to navigate those corners. By the end, I’d attached the zipper to the side fabric and the top fabric but was completely disgruntled instead of proud. The seams are hideous and the top fabric is trying to fray. Once I attach the bottom piece of fabric, it’ll be done. Ugly but done. I’d had a moment earlier today where I thought about auctioning a set of packing cubes or zipper pouches for a Lakota fundraiser but that’s going to have to sit on the back shelf until I get much better at this. How much of the problem is my fabrics mismatch? This time I’m combining a soft fuzzy material with canvas instead of a plain basic cotton and canvas. Maybe I measured better last time.
Trainer time: my first assigned exercise was 2 sets of squats, up to ten reps per set. Ok, no problem. I watched the video on form and set to it. It felt so easy so I was cranking them out but as I got to 6, 7 I remembered that this is my first week of exercise in decades. Also that pacing thing? Oh yeah. Stopped at 7. Gave myself a full minute of recovery time so I could fetch my lunch. Did another 6 being mindful I shouldn’t blow it all out in my first week as I am wont to do, and those 6 felt much harder. My legs had recovered enough from that initial set to say nope don’t like it.
It took two hours for the pain and fatigue to pass. I could still feel the strain by the time I wrapped up
Year 5, Day 126: I grew up hearing this song but never knew the name of it, or the lyrics. Thanks to The Brothers Sun for bringing it back to me. It’s first nostalgic and then painful because my earliest memories of it are my parents singing it together and that’s a period of time I just don’t know what to do with.
“The parent is always the parent. The child is always the child.” Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F. I didn’t expect that bit of therapy.
Trainer time: Today’s a rest day. Stopping after the one exercise instead of pushing through for pride’s sake yesterday was ultimately the right call. I’m very tired today but not so wiped that I can barely function. Tomorrow, I’ll dial way back on the reps in each set so that I can do all of the 3 or 4 planned exercises across the day. Also it’s best if I don’t do them all in one go, I think, that way my body can’t surf on endorphins in the early sets and then crash like it usually does when I’m doing something fun.
Year 5, Day 127: Happy surprise, a few people donated to the Lakota Pine Ridge Giving Project today! ❤️ Not sure how they found me but happy they did.
Also, I got so many compliments on my Reading tee-shirt and Svaha shirt that I refreshed the design: Read Recklessly shirt and tote.
Trainer time! Still dragging this morning but I started early with one of the three exercises anyway: lateral raises. I like these! I did my modified pushups in the afternoon, my lying leg raises in the evening. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that doing it broken up this way is “wrong” but so far, doing it this way means I’m better able to gauge how much a single exercise has taken out of me before I completely go over the cliff. It can take a couple hours for that to sink in, so I’m hoping that after a while, I’ll be able to join up two sets of exercises further down the line, then all three or four, into a single session without more than this level of fatigue. There’s definitely more fatigue but it’s still bearable.
Year 5, Day 128: I had an awful nightmare where I lost track of JB and Smol Acrobat in an airport due to a series of terrible decisions I made in the dream that I would never make in waking life. I remember at the end of the dream asking myself why did I decide to do that?? It makes no sense! And it got me thinking about what my subconscious is anxious about (I’m a terrible parent?) and then about my mom and how she was at age 10 already carrying the responsibilities of an adult. About how the only thing she wanted was to feel loved later in her life but I was so ill-equipped to offer that to her because I didn’t even recognize how to show or accept unconditional love myself. Love is always conditional in my subconscious, when it comes to me. My kids only love me because I kept them alive, for example.
So I woke in a very emotionally ruffled state. Sadly, so did Smol Acrobat. I shook it off after trading terrible nightmare stories with a couple friends on Bluesky but they decidedly did not. They reacted to every little jostle with tears, and when JB helped them put their lovie to bed so they could go to breakfast, that also caused a waterfall. (A little related: Must resume my search for ice packs for the kids and for myself that can stay in the freezer longterm. My last couple of tries were returned since the instructions said the packs could only be in the freezer for a couple hours at a time. That’s not helpful!)
Anyway the latest on the UHC FSA debacle: after the Department of Labor questioned their practices, they immediately processed the claims again, however, we couldn’t log in to access the Explanation of Benefits. We tried 20 times on different browers and computers and internet connections: sometimes it would almost log in and then kick us out.
When PiC finally got someone on the phone to see why the log in wasn’t working today, they claimed that the username was case sensitive and that we weren’t entering the right combination of upper and lowercase. Except that we most certainly didn’t make any changes since we called them, and we definitely would not have changed it to the combination that they claim is the right one, so I’m positive that that isn’t the whole truth, and also that someone on their side changed it out of spite if it was indeed changed. Because if it had actually been changed, why would the log in work enough to get us partly logged in and then log us back out when we tried to access anything? That’s not how logins work.
Year 5, Day 124: A Twitter thread about Hayao Miyazaki’s favorite children’s books made me realize I’ve never read Mary Norton’s The Borrowers. I’ve put it on hold at the library but am very confused why I had to enter my email address to place it when I was logged in. That’s new and weird.
I’m still walking around like I’m missing a limb without Sera (or Seamus, or Doggle). It’s hard to breathe in that brief second when I remember that I’m coming home to the dogshaped holes in my life, not to my beloved furry feets. It’s getting better but sometimes it’s like a gut punch.
My dog stand-in (the garden) surprised me today. I forgot that I’d transferred the non-germinating green beans into Potato Bag 2, sort of giving up on them. It looked like the next generation of potato plants were starting up nicely but on closer inspection, three of them look like they’re actually green bean plants! Probably. We’ll give it two more weeks to see what they look more like. Turns out set it and forgetit isn’t just for my investments.
Year 5, Day 125: The ridiculously high wastewater levels in California have prompted me to review our protection layers. We have nasal sprays (Nasitrol, iota-carageenan is the ingredient that apparently matters). There are some very early studies suggesting that a combination of H1 and H2 antihistamines (loratidine or cetizirine + famotidine) may also be protective against infection (or perhaps it’s protective against severe illness). I’ve got both in plenty already for their prescribed use so why not take them regularly for both that and possible increased COVID protection? We obviously still mask but it’s imperfect protection during the summer when we’ve got sunblock on and our faces get sweaty, and sometimes we have to unmask to eat where other people are.
So, layers. We’re boosted. We’re masking. We have nasal spray and we’ll have prophylactic OTC meds to help mitigate if we do get infected. We can’t avoid all humanity, despite my preferences, there are summer fairs and carnivals that kids would like to experience, so we are layering our protections in hopes of continuing to stave off COVID long term. May the one breach with Smol Acrobat be the only one. I’m really worried about the cumulative effects of COVID for the kids. My life is already pretty hellish with chronic pain, fatigue and PEM. I only wish all this on terrible people who need to stop hurting people. I don’t want my kids to get it but the data suggests that the more infections they experience, the higher the probability they’ll get Long COVID. So. Layers for the summer (and every season)!
Year 5, Day 126: Did I ever go outside today? Other than taking the kids out and getting them loaded up in the car to send them off for their days, I don’t think I did. It’s been that kind of day. Week. Month. I WAS doing better at going out daily for a walk but I need to get back on that.
Another disgruntled humph, my throat has been sore for multiple weeks. The antivirals aren’t budging it. I’ve got a theory that this is stress induced because I have no other symptoms, no one is catching anything from me, and my body has a history of overreacting to the least little thing. I’ve been managing the pain with cycles of acetaminophen and ibuprofen. Thank goodness those work enough so I can still eat and drink with moderate discomfort. I remember a bout earlier this year when they couldn’t even do that much.
Also? I’m melting. I used to handle heat well. Even humid heat. I didn’t LIKE it but I could deal. Now the temp ticks up 10-15 degrees and I’m the Wicked Witch of the West. MELTING!
I did submit a large Costco order for our August Lakota family, and conducted a massive clearing out of a disorganized snack drawer dumping snacks circa 2014-2022. Fresh snacks!
Year 5, Day 127: This is my designated errands day. PiC has been taking JB to work with him most non-camp days to give me a chance to get through work so I’ve taken today to hang with them and DO ALL THE THINGS. We have to hit the dentist, library, dry cleaner, Staples, and post office. Can we do this all and also finish the laundry? Let’s find out!
Conclusion: We were only able to go to the dentist and Staples. We were late getting out the door so we didn’t collect the library books, the dry cleaner went out of business (!) and the post office just felt like too much effort after we struck out at the dry cleaner. So we went home and I did a TON of organizing and cleaning. That was satisfying.
I’m mentally chewing on First Gen American’s comment at Nicole and Maggie: My uncle did give annual gifts to his kids and they were unemployed or underemployed most of their lives. It ended in the worst way. (One kid stealing from parents when he didn’t want to share remaining inheritance with sibling). It ruined those kids. I may help with some big expenses like grandkid college funds, but will not do regular handouts if I can help it.
That’s terrible! And it makes me wonder how much the annual gifts were accompanied by other life ruining actions or habits, or if that was the primary / key cause. I know other people who give their adult kids annual gifts but IIRC, they started after the kids were older and reasonably established in their respective careers. The adult kids’ habits aren’t maybe the best financial habits but they also don’t have to be with this fairly significant cushion to pad any mistakes or run of the mill impulses. They’re not getting drug habit money, so they seem ok? I also don’t recall if it’s actually annual or just no more than annual to be under the gift tax exclusion limit.
I am still of the mindset that we’ll pay for about half of undergrad for each kid but I’m not sure if we’ll have enough for 4 years saved by the time college starts, so I doubt this will be a real life issue for us but I AM curious about what the right level of giving / passing down money is to ensure that your kids aren’t terrible humans or aren’t ruined by the prospect of a neverending spigot of cash. Is it all expenses up through college? And then maybe they can have up to the gift tax exclusion if they donate half of it? How DO you handle having more than enough ten times over without creating a completely entitled human?
Year 5, Day 128: No idea if this was going to happen regardless but I’ve neglected the flower bit of the garden for a couple weeks. To my surprise and delight, they didn’t die off. Instead, three of the plants bloomed! I have flowers! 🎉
Less good news, we briefly saw an old friend over the weekend (we were masked, they were not) and they just let us know they’ve tested positive for COVID. They said it before I thought it: what did I (you) expect? They socialized at three large events in a row (two of which I didn’t know about before they notified me) and didn’t mask for any of them. I’m not thrilled. But I’m not surprised either. So many people are just swanning about unmasked while our wastewater levels skyrocket. I don’t know what anyone else is thinking but I’m most definitely thinking absolutely not! Now I’m mildly obsessively reviewing our layers to make sure we’re doing any and everything that would mitigate risk.
We were masked, did the nasal spray at the start of the day, were boosted. Smol Acrobat briefly unmasked to chomp on some snacks but then they went outside. That part has me extra worried about whether those few minutes were enough to infect them.
Back to better news while I figure out when we should all test ourselves: I’ve made the decision to work with an online fitness trainer to try and develop a program that doesn’t set off my fibro or ME/CFS. I want to get stronger and leaner, a little healthier heart-wise. I don’t care what numbers are on the scale as long as I feel stronger and leaner and like this body is mine again.
I’ve had an intake call to cover medical history and relevant stuff, and we start next week. There were a lot of unexpected emotions that bubbled up during that call, and after. Fear and worry: that it won’t work with my ME/CFS, that I’ll fail again at trying to get a little healthier or feel a little less alien, of getting my hopes up. Unsettled: making myself a priority? Weird? Hope and excitement: automatically trying to repress this a little bit, we have to start slow and low (intensity) or we will definitely fail. Wish me luck? I could use an accountability partner.
Year 5, Day 117: Ok so my note on Friday was written before I saw the endorsement for Kamala Harris and all that followed. Now I’m cautiously joyful that they seem to be coming at this aggressively and correctly. Calling Trump out as a liar. Calling him out as a felon. Calling him out as totally nonsensical. Pointing out how terrible Project 2025 is. Calling the Republican party and their obsession with stealing our rights absolutely invasively weird. Yes! Keep it up! The shellacking that JD Vance is getting is icing on this cake. I hope they stick with this energy.
As to work-life: All the thumbs down. All of them. Every Monday is worse than the last and while I’d like to say surely this cannot last, there’s really no confidence in me as I say that. Grumblingly forecasting with a friend, at this rate, I’ll be so wrapped up in corporate bullshit and utter incompetence by this time next year that that’s all I’ll be doing every day at work. I hate everything. This was the perfect day to wear my I Hate People shirt.
I vented my rage on dicing chicken and potatoes (fresh dug from our very own garden!) and that actually helped a bit. Also, our tees from Primary arrived and it turns out my ability to eyeball clothing fit is completely broken. I was sure that his and my shirts were both too big but they actually fit us fine. Yay for that. I picked some fun colors for PiC: a happy yellow, a peachy sorbet, and a mellow blue.
Gave myself one hour of working late tonight and my brain wanted to play popcorn. I usually do my best when I let it popcorn all over the place but couldn’t ever get into my groove. Got stuff done of course but it was very spotty.
Year 5, Day 118: JB listened to scary stories at camp and now they can’t sleep in their own bed with the lights off. They spent one night sleeping in Smol’s room, one night sleeping with their lights on low, and tonight they’re in my room while I work late again. I don’t know if overactive imaginations are inherited but I definitely have one and still mostly avoid horror everything. I can read Cassandra Khaw (which is more gore than scary) and Ursula Vernon / Kingfisher, but not much else.
Better they learn now what their limits are with scary things? At least I hope they learn and self monitor their exposure with peers. Oh who am I kidding. They’re going to keep listening to these stories and then be scared for weeks after.
Year 5, Day 119: FINALLY our amendments to our wills and trust are done, and signed and witnessed. It took us ages to find the time to do each one more thing: telling the lawyer everything we wanted, reviewing the docs, sending edits, reviewing again, scheduling the signing, actually signing. Each single bit by itself was easy enough, it was the first part that was hard trying to think of everything we needed to include in this revision and worrying that we left something out. I’m still worrying about that, actually. But for now at least the major areas are covered.
We still need to make decisions on our end of life arrangement preferences. They need to be set for the next 15 years, then the kids can decide what they want. I just don’t want any family bullying them into doing something they don’t want to do when they’re young.
That reminds me that we owe JB a funeral for Seamus, and now Sera, too. We’ll need to do that in the fall. My heart was simply too sore to do it before and now I’m just a deep well of grief and missing my dogs so we might as well do it.
Year 5, Day 120: PiC had a close contact with someone at work who tested positive for COVID two days later. It turned out they were masked at the time of their meeting because their spouse was positive. This infuriates me. If you’re in close contact with someone positive already, why wouldn’t you change your meeting to a video call or reschedule?? People are so EFFING INCONSIDERATE.
Unrelated, I just realized my passport has expired. Drat. Not that we have any travel planned but it’s one of those things that I feel better knowing is in order. I quickly threw together the paperwork but the thing that’s going to hold this up is the picture. I’m terrible at remembering to take a good picture and printing it. I’m saying so here to try and guilt myself into getting it over with.
Year 5, Day 121: Acne in adulthood is downright insulting. We’ve done our time! (I’ve complained about this before, haven’t I?)
I’m hearing hydrocolloidal patches are the thing now. I canvassed folks I know on Bluesky who came back with a resounding, unanimous YES THE PATCHES.
So I searched and stacked sales and deals, gave up the super cute Pusheen patches that were not on sale, and ended up with a bunch of the on-sale clear patches. I hope they work! It’s going to come time for JB to need some sooner than we’d expected, I think, and of course I need them now (*disgruntled humph*).
Year 5, Day 110: The more miserable and angry I get at work, the more I wish for things I can’t change.
Like how Captain Awkward is awesome and I could wish I’d been reading her many years ago when I started making decisions about my family and finances if I was dwelling on what might have been. This one in particular is a different script but a very similar base to my dad’s problems and maybe seeing this could have helped me recognize more of what was happening at home. Thankfully, PiC has never been problematic, financially, even though we came from two very different financial backgrounds and experiences. He’s known from Day 1 that I’m both more involved and more self-educated on finances, and that I’m the better money manager of the two of us even before I had much (any) money to hold onto. When we eventually combined finances it was really a matter of transitioning the reins over to me. That doesn’t mean our money lives are perfect, just that our styles are compatible and it’s not a point of friction. Thank goodness.
But occasionally, like now, I find it hard to wash away the bitterness of regret of how much money I wasted on my lying parent and how that could have served our own family and happiness and lives. I sacrificed so much of my past back then, not knowing i was also sacrificing so much of my future. The amounts of money in rent, utilities, food, gas, phone, insurance and other miscellaneous bills would have filled an entire nest egg and then some. And if that had been growing all this time… Sigh. Anyway. I shake myself off and say that’s all in the past. I’m glad I eventually broke free. I’m glad I shared the journey here. I’m glad that sharing helped a few other people.
Year 5, Day 111: Daydreaming about things that would feel like luxury in our everyday lives to redirect my work angst over incompetence and inefficiency.
Plastic and wood hangers instead of wire hangers. This one is just a little silly.
The freedom to nap as long as I want after a good massage or just because, without guilt. Someday.
A warm kitten that likes belly rubs and didn’t need anything else from me. Someday.
When I was a kid, I used to long to be at other people’s houses. Mine was empty, lonely, dirty, shabby. I loved my dogs and wanted to be with them but my home didn’t feel like a home. Now I don’t want to be at anyone’s house but mine. I like my home. I live with someone who helps contribute to the upkeep and maintenance. It’s cozy enough. It’s neat enough. It’s enough. I think that’s why Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car makes me cry. Escaping the-home-that-wasn’t was hard for me to envision in my younger days and now having made it out of my smallish town, I still get weird feelings about that.
Sushi three times a week. Nommmm. Someday.
A stack of 20 Innkeeper books and an entire 3.5 days to do nothing but eat, sleep, read, and occasionally get a bit of sun. That many Innkeepers don’t exist, so *hope* someday!
A whole week when no one asks me to do anything for work, home, school. Someday!
What little luxuries do you already enjoy or would love to add to your life?
Snippets of this song has been on repeat in my mind all week so I had to fully commit to it.
Year 5, Day 112: I ran some simulations on cFIREsim to soothe my general anxiety that’s been bubbling up. My variables: starting retirement in 2027, ending in 45 years, with today’s portfolio balance, and today’s spending (because I assume that costs will go up even if we drop some spending areas, and we’ll also add some spending areas). My simulations failed 20 of 106 total cycles, or succeeded about 80% of the time.
If I change just one assumption: my goal portfolio balance instead of using today’s portfolio balance, the simulations show 100% success.
I tweaked one more, keeping the goal portfolio balance and added an increase in annual spending because who knows, things could get really expensive some years: my simulations fail 4 of 106 total cycles, or succeed 96% of the time.
Here’s the problem with me using this simulator: I don’t have a good understanding of what the results really mean. It’s mildly reassuring to see that if I could stick with my job until 2027, and added enough to all our investment accounts to hit the goal portfolio balance, it seems we’d likely be fine even with some moderate fluctuations in spending. It’s validating to see that the goal portfolio balance I picked appears to meet our needs. But I don’t really get what I’m doing with these numbers. Also, I’m not sure it’s likely we’ll actually hit that goal portfolio balance in 3 years even with really aggressive saving/investing.
To give my brain something concrete to grab onto, I organized our accounts into three buckets to show a more realistic picture of how we could access our money in the future: Money available to us before age 60, money available when PiC turns 60, and money available when I turn 60. Numbers are still squishy but maybe this will help me get a grip on what we can expect. Also I probably want to figure out which accounts are the most advantageous to withdraw from first, and which accounts we want to preserve. Because it’s (probably) so far off, it’s felt too squishy to set a real structured plan. Also the future of healthcare is a real bugbear. I don’t know WHAT the future there holds but it’s sort of depressing to see how things are right now. It’s already so expensive and healthcare companies are so corrupt.
Year 5, Day 113: I’ve been saving this Anderson Cooper chat with Nicole Chung on grief for several months. Even though I feel like my grief for my mom has evolved to a more tolerable stage, it’s not just under my skin every day and night, it’s sunk into my bones so that I am deeply and profoundly aware of her absence at a cellular level. It’s become a part of me. The grief is still part of me, the regrets that I’ve struggled with, the guilt of not having been able to achieve even more all still reverberate through me at times. Lots of this conversation struck a chord with me:
“How do you learn to cherish your life when grief has made it unrecognizable? I’m starting to feel that we do so not by trying to fill a void that can never be filled, but by living as best as we can in this strange, yawning terrain. Our loved ones have left behind. Exploring its jagged boundaries and learning to see it as something new. I believe this because I feel that I am becoming someone new, someone who can remember and mourn and live without punishing herself.”
Much of my grieving for my mom was self recrimination for not doing better for her, not saving her from our financial struggles. I punished myself for years for that. It’s taken a lot of therapy to recognize it as punishment and likely will take more to forgive myself for something I shouldn’t need forgiving for.
“Nobody was really going to see or understand or miss them, at least in the exact same way I did, because I was their only child. I was not the only person mourning them, but I was their only child and it was so hard.”
In many ways, my brother is lost to me, and my dad is too, so I feel this grief about my entire nuclear family. Mom actually died but the other two can’t be part of my life anymore either and no one knows the things that parents and siblings know about you, about me, or shares those memories. It’s such a katamari of loss of my entire family.
You say “in this country, unless you attain extraordinary wealth, you will likely be unable to help your loved ones in all the ways you’d hoped. You will learn to live with the specific, hollow guilt of those who leave hardship behind, yet are unable to bring anyone else with them.”
Such a big part of grieving for me has been learning to forgive myself and recognize I don’t have control. There were things I wanted to control, and I wanted to make better for my parents that I, in the end, could not. I could not do enough. I couldn’t save my dad. I couldn’t be in there in exactly the way I wanted from my mom. I could continue to punish myself for that. I could continue to beat myself up and tell myself all this pain, this is just what you deserve because you weren’t there when they needed you. But I know that’s not what they would have wanted. I don’t think anybody we’ve lost wants us to heap more suffering on top of suffering in that way.
Year 5, Day 114: We just got a letter from the kids’ dentist: She’s going out of network because Delta Dental doesn’t pay enough. I had to ask a bunch of questions about what this means but ultimately it looks like, right now barring any rate increases, where the kids’ visits were covered 100% ($135 four times a year = $540), we are now having to pay the difference between their office fees and the maximum that Delta will pay. Right now, that difference is $150, so we have to budget an extra $600 a year for their twice yearly cleanings and checkups. I haven’t gotten the quote for x-rays yet, I’d better get that soon so I can figure out how much we have to set aside. Sigh. I get it, she’s only making less than half of what she could be, but that’s a huge blow to the pocketbook. Everything just keeps going up.
It won’t help to add a secondary plan since mine is also Delta Dental. The dentist’s office explained that Delta will only pay once up to their max regardless of how many plans you have. Sigh.
Year 5, Day 103: No, the giant boxes destined for UPS didn’t go out. There were multiple hours this weekend where I thought “I should…” but the body said “hahaha you’re funny”. I feel like I’m constantly at odds with my brain, my body, or both, and they’re independent entities that I coexist with. Starts to make you wonder where your “you” lives and who’s in charge anyway??
Ahem. Anyway.
Today I am stalking the delivery truck. After much adjusting of the watering (more water, less water) making absolutely no difference in the cucumber plants refusing to grow taller than 2 inches, I’ve ordered fertilizer and it’s due today. The snap peas are still refusing to germinate to my disappointment, so I’m overcompensating by planting a whole lot more green beans. But few of the plants seem willing to grow much right now, so I’m pinning my hopes on fertilizer perking them up.
Year 5, Day 104: Big sigh. JB’s not feeling well again and a small part of me wishes this happened next week when we didn’t have camp paid for. There are no refunds for non attendance, obviously. But this is me putting down the wasted money woes and leaving it here instead of dwelling on it. We are trying to balance “don’t give up at the first sign of discomfort” and “your health comes first” with them and sometimes that means money is wasted.
Year 5, Day 105: Some days I feel like a bizarro incarnation of the terrible manager in Office Space. I arrive at work with my cup of water and my annoyance and spend the day calling people to task for embarrassing mistakes, misinformation, and wasteful incompetence that makes life harder for everyone else. It leaves such a sour taste in my mouth. The external people are terrible, my reports are the best, but it’s still ever so frustrating.
These changes have been creeping up on us so it’s not a surprise but is still deeply unpleasant. Not unlike a dousing of ice water in the face at six random times a day. When they first started, I resolved to TRY to ride out 12-18 months to let the dust settle before making any decisions. I’ve been leaning really hard into the Buddhist idea that clinging to what I want (and can’t have) is what produces (more) suffering and we have control over nothing (as another Buddhism practicing friend reminds me). Not sure if it’s actually helping, there’s still so much frustration in my day to day right now. Actually, yes, as I think about this more, there’s a tendency among the Buddhists in my family to interpret the “let go of the illusion of control” as “have no feelings, show no feelings” and that’s not healthy. This DOES help because after my feelings run their course, it helps to recenter myself in accepting that I’ve done my best and let the rest go.
In a fit of ironic self soothing, I revised our 2024 and 2025 cashflow spreadsheets with the assumption that these numbers will be stable for at least 18 more months. At this very moment, I’m skeptical about that outlook but will lean hard on the spreadsheets to keep my sort-of-promise to myself so that I don’t quit in a huff.
Year 5, Day 106: Wastewaterlevels in California are classified as high. We still mask, and we just got our boosters, and I’m adding a third layer of protection. We ordered an iota-carageenan nasal spray (Nasitrol) for use when we’re going to be around other people for hours at a time. We’ll have to unmask to eat and drink so the nasal spray adds protection for those times.
You know what’s really creepy? When your kid starts whispering really harshly like they’re possessed, in the middle of the night. Not a fan!
Year 5, Day 107: Shoe report! For my replacement sandals, I bought Crocs flip flops (very functional, can get wet without getting ruined) and Clarks Arla Glison (functional and fancy) sandals. They are all very comfortable. I was skeptical when I bought them, probably most skeptical of the Clarks because they’re platforms, but I’ve been able to wear both pairs for long stretches without pain. And without tons of regret at the end of the day. Total surprise.
PiC went rogue and bought Hokas for me which look a touch outlandish but, after adjusting to them, they’re quite comfortable. Their very large price tag is uncomfortable, I usually buy 4 pairs of sneakers for $110 and that lasts me 4-5 years, so these are way outside my price point but they feel really good now that I’ve gotten used to the height.
Year 5, Day 96: Ngh, I feel several shades of terrible. No specific symptoms, just intense fatigue and the creeping crud type feeling of “ugh”. My dental hygienist spotted the start of a viral infection during my appointment last week so I’ve been taking my antivirals and trying to rest more. Well ok, I rested this weekend because I had to. I couldn’t actually manage to keep pushing through. But that’s still an improvement over tormenting myself!
My Mondays used to stink, they’re really terrible now. So my response is to be really angry and then set new limits on what I’ll do. I’m hoping there’s a bell curve of horrible that we’ll come down the other side of soon. Very very soon.
To compound my mundane sadness, I forgot my dog walking bag today. I usually take it in case of crow friends and running into dog friends but in my haste, I left it behind. Who landed on the house just ahead of me and eyeballed me waiting for a treat? My crow friend I haven’t seen in weeks! It waited very pointedly until I lamented, I’m so sorry, I don’t have treats for you today! Then it flew away. I hope it doesn’t hold this against me.
Of course this is all super mundane against the Supreme Court basically cementing fascism this week and declaring a President immune from prosecution for Official Acts. Who knew it would come on this quick? Oh right, we all saw this coming.
Year 5, Day 97: Work is frustrating to the extreme right now so this tickled me deeply:
On top of the frustrating people, all my devices and apps and software are acting up. This one doesn’t want to open, that one doesn’t want to load, the other one will only refresh on my phone but not my laptop. Seriously not cool.
*****
The community that used to come together for mutual aid, mostly on Twitter and sometimes by email, is so fractured now, it feels like it was just a happy dream. It’s heartbreaking to see the effect this is having on vulnerable people who were juuuust scraping by before. I followed Aji and Wings on Twitter and now on Bluesky. The work Wings does is breathtaking, that craftsmanship!, but I cannot be trusted with these works of art. They’re also people who support their community as much as they can even though they’re going through tough times. They’re really struggling financially right now as they’re not getting the sales they need to make ends meet this year. I’ve sent some money through Paypal to avoid unnecessary fees (since this is a gift) but it’s a drop in the bucket and I hope that sharing will lead to more sharing and sales.
Year 5, Day 98: Here’s an upside! I’ve been taking a brisk walk every day for my mental health since last week. Last week, I had to stop halfway to catch my breath every day. This week, I can make it most of the way without stopping. Of course, I discover this just before the massive heat wave to hit this region so will my conditioning hold through next week? Who knows!
*****
I didn’t think I would relate to Mike Barnow from Madam Secretary but on reflection why didn’t I? Love dog, hate dealing with people, yes, yes that checks out:
Mike: I want the job you promised me. Counselor to the president. Behind the scenes. Under the radar. Cracking heads and crushing enemies.
Elizabeth: Yes but you’re so GOOD at being my chief of staff.
Mike: ACTING chief of staff and of course I’m amazing at it. But I hate it. It’s all relationships and people. So many people. In person.
Year 5, Day 99: So hot. It’s stiflingly hot. My kingdom for a breeze.
We don’t usually let the kids do water play, we’re a drought state! But it’s a holiday and also so so hot so we invited the kids’ friends over for a water and bubble play morning. In the end we forgot entirely about half the things we intended to set out for them but the water slide thing and the hammock were all they needed before and after the water balloon fight that PiC instigated.
We’d stocked up on fruit and easy kid food so snack time segued right into lunch time and all the kids ate what they were served. Smol Acrobat wasn’t even half a butt about eating their lunch with all these other kids to play with! They returned to a whole butt status when the kids went home for dinner. Of course they did. The kids (all under 8) went home without complaining, but one of them made sure to secure permission to come back again. Then tried to schedule that next visit for tomorrow. A compliment of sorts? What’s even funnier is that those same kids said they were heading home for a nap. Well exercised and well fed enough to choose a nap, good job on our part? PiC, as usual, deserves most of the credit. He did all the grocery shopping and food prep. I shared kid wrangling with another parent and coordinating the timing of things like water breaks and snack breaks and so on. We did good teamwork.
It was a lot of fun and also I massively overdid it. My body has a number of regrets and would like to formally complain to management for poor decisions.
Year 5, Day 100: My entire body is vibrating with pain. I’ve popped painkillers all day in hopes it’ll ease up soon. And, as expected, YEP, I’m thoroughly discombobulated back at work today. Days off in the middle of the week are weird.
What day is it, what’s tomorrow, where do I need to be when? I hate having my routines disrupted. Except there was a new disruption today: a long time friend was passing through town and we got to nab her for a few hours visit and dinner. I’ve missed her so much and that short visit cleansed my mind and refreshed my body. The pain and fatigue was halved after she left, even despite my staying up way too late afterward. Treatment for ME/CFS: super supportive fun friends who are easy to hang out with regardless of whether it’s been a day or a decade since we last saw each other?
All kidding aside, I’m paying for Thursday through the weekend more than likely, and I’d better adjust my expectations accordingly. We’ll get laundry done but I’m not sure if we’re going to do much more than that. Though there are two very large boxes I’ve got nearly packed up to ship to the Allen Youth Center, it’d be great to get that on its way. BUT I’m still waiting on PiC to sort through the last set of Legos to see what else he wants to add to what I’m sending, first.
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.