January 19, 2021
Week 44 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 44, Day 305: My jobs today were: 1) revive my old iPad, 2) talk to the vet about Seamus, 3) set up a therapy appointment for myself, 4) keep Smol Acrobat alive, 5) fax our representatives to insist on accountability for the Jan 6 and ongoing coup attempts.
#1 and #4 took me all flipping day.
#1 was not a continuous effort, I just had to keep coming back to a failed restore and start again. I hate Apple products.
#4 was naturally an all day endeavor. Smol is currently refusing to sleep unless they are being held. In related news, I’m in the market for new arms to replace these two falling off. PiC and JB were doing yardwork so I managed SA and their need for constant cuddles forever. It’s surprisingly tiring and a small part of me is grateful for our current stay at home orders because I remember how hard it was to do this all day all alone but for Seamus who couldn’t hold the baby for me.
#2 was heartbreaking but we had a necessary discussion.
#3 was initiated but I haven’t heard back.
#5 has to happen tomorrow.
Week 44, Day 306: I got three hours of sleep. ZOMBIE TIMES. After handing over the baby to PiC for the morning shift and trying to catch another nap, unsuccessfully, I hauled myself out of bed to deal with pumping and eating and all those other lovely basic necessities that I resent so much when I’m dog tired.
Today’s top priorities: 1) Contacting our representatives – DONE. 2) Do more data / files clean up because our cloud storage is running low. 3) Overseeing get well cards for sick relatives – MAILED. 4) Take another swipe at setting up the iPad. 5) Refill Seamus’s meds – ORDERED.
Thanks to OMDG for this JAMA article link: “Under baseline assumptions, approximately 59% of all transmission came from asymptomatic transmission: 35% from presymptomatic individuals and 24% from individuals who are never symptomatic (Figure 1).”
Week 44, Day 307: It seemed like the day was a bust between my getting up super late (long night with Smol meant I needed a longer mid morning nap), a long-winded call with a relative, and the hours spent with the Comcast tech trying to figure out WTAF is wrong with our connection. He removed some attenuators and that helped with half the problem. I pulled the plug on our range extender and that helped with the other half. Here’s hoping it actually works for more than two days.
At 4:30 I got my butt in gear and started dinner prep super early. I had this vision of prepping dinner, walking the dogs, then hitting the Target parking lot for a drive up pickup of the things I needed to clean our dishwasher and try to cut my hair.
What actually happened: I put the first half of dinner in the oven, vetoed Daniel Tiger for JB, took them and the dogs out for a walk, deferred the Target run to tomorrow, and had JB work on several chores while I finished making the salad and pumping milk.
On the subject of dinner: We had our Home Chef delivery today and I think I’ll throw together a review for it. Getting dinner on the table by 6:30 and much of the evening routine done myself since Smol Acrobat was holding PiC hostage felt really good. I haven’t felt physically able or mentally competent to mentally organize / prioritize / execute like that in a long time.
I’m truly appreciating the glimpse into what it’s like to feel capable again, and not just struggling to get the bare minimum done while feeling like a failure.
Week 44, Day 308: I’m pondering on the situation of a dear relative who we’ve been helping out a lot through some serious circumstances. These are thoughts I’d never share with them because they’re about me as it relates to them, not about them, and also because it’ll sound judgy. It’s not meant to judge them, though, it’s just me weighing things.
They have made some choices that were based on lack of information and now they’re doing their damnedest to fix the situation. I’m providing financial and moral support. It’s been years and it’ll take more years to extricate them safely. The hazard for me here is I tend to get too emotionally involved. I forget my place, as it were. I want so badly for them to be ok that I throw my whole being into that end goal and then I’m devastated when they inevitably make choices I disagree with because we are not the same people and there are reasons we’re at different places in life. I’m observing my ability to see that now, I couldn’t do that in my younger years, and maybe it’s growth that each time they flail or say they’re going to do something I really wouldn’t recommend or think is a bad choice, my first reaction now is to step back and let it breathe. Previously it would have been to try and convince them to do the safe thing. The “right” thing because it was safer. But you know, the right way was only “safer” because it created familiar pain. Not because it was pain free. It was successful financially, I’ll grant you, but there most certainly isn’t one path to getting to firm financial ground. It’s just that there’s only one path I know well enough to share.
But today’s thought is about how I have to keep practicing being a better listener and a better friend by providing what’s needed and not adding more pressure by adding my preconceived notions of what’s right and what’s wrong. I’ll give them my judgements and opinions when they ask, or when it’s dangerous, but not when they’re fixing to build a new life and trying to figure out how.
Week 44, Day 309: Smol wasn’t feeling up to snuff yesterday and this translated into an interesting night. We had somewhat longer stretches of sleep but they were also clearly uncomfortable and sad and that tugged on my heartstrings. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have suuuch a helpless little loaf that doesn’t have any way to communicate other than crying and little non-word sounds.
***
I don’t know if I’ll ever use it but I decided that I wanted to learn about options trading. A mentor has been doing it for a year and if nothing more than an intellectual stretching exercise, I’d like to see if I can’t at least wrap my head around it. We have to manage options from our company compensation anyway so I would like to understand them more deeply than I do now. I hope it’ll help me make better decisions.
***
The Nicole and Maggie gross dishwasher post inspired me to pick up some Lemi Shine to clean our dishwasher. We just ran it today so I hope to see results in the next dishwasher load! Fingers crossed.
:: How was your week?
January 11, 2021
Week 43 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 43, Day 298: You’ll forgive me skipping the week after Christmas – we are still trying to right the ship that now has an extra human passenger and some days are harder than others. Nights, harder still. Nothing of note happened other than keeping ourselves alive and intact, anyway. I have a to do list the length of my leg today, and my brain only wants to crunch money numbers. The biggest things I need to get done: clearing PiC’s old SE for a trade in, organizing our investments, we need to organize our thoughts about how to talk to JB’s principal about better options for their school situation, deal with our still broken internet and yell at Comcast some more because it’s still broken though they promised a fix by yesterday. (Who actually believed Comcast when they promised me this would be fixed by Sunday? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)
I notice my brain avoiding all but the number crunching though. That might be because I was up with Smol Acrobat most of the night? MAAYBE. We went for a very slow medium length walk today and it was extra hard on my joints. Also maybe because I was up with SA most of the night. PiC slept quite well though thankfully so I could go rest this afternoon while he parented. It worked out though. I can’t sleep through Smol’s whimpers and nighttime wakings, while he can, so I might as well field those and let him sleep so he can parent during the day when I catch up on my sleep.
***
COVID LIFE: Over at Nicole and Maggie’s, I said I would start talking about the things we do and do NOT do , so I’ll go over a bit each day this week.
We will maintain these rules for as long as it takes to get to a point where we feel things are safer. Between you, me and PiC, that’s going to take several months, minimum, even after we get vaccinated.
(more…)
January 4, 2021
Week 41 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 41, Day 284: Holiday gifts for JB have been showing up on our doorstep all month. I am surprised to find, since I love opening mail, I’m starting to have a bit of package fatigue. If they were more spaced out, that would be really helpful since, speaking of arrivals, Smol Acrobat has joined us. JB is thrilled to share this first Christmas with their very own baby sibling they get to keep without kidnapping required. I hope they still feel this way months and years from now!
My recovery is a slow process. I know this is normal, and it’s normal to take up to a year to be back to pre-pregnancy status, but I’m still very impatient. I don’t want to take months to get back to normal, I want to be on my feet 100% now. Obviously that isn’t going to make that happen so I’m grateful that I arranged more leave from work than I did with JB instead of trying to force myself back in several weeks. This time I have no desire to go back to work a minute sooner than I need to.
I’m glad that both PiC and I did, in fact, because even if we’re working from home, having to cater to a newborn and working effectively isn’t gonna happen. We’re sleep deprived zombies and glad that JB is old enough to be well trained in helping with a certain amount of chores around the house. The time we put in this summer insisting they do age appropriate housework regularly was well worth it. They do like being helpful and this way they have chores they can do to meaningfully help with baby. They feel like part of the adult unit in that sense, they are a contributor, and not just pouting that they’re not getting enough attention. (more…)
December 29, 2020
Week 40 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 40, Day 277: I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom to JB lately. I’m so distracted and preoccupied by: work, Smol Acrobat’s needs, my needs, my fatigue and recalcitrant body that I simply haven’t spent any time with them. I still parent – direct activities, I discipline, I coordinate schooling and tutoring and advocate for them when needed. But actual time together, just being together? Has not happened in weeks. Maybe months. I don’t even know.
They have always been more PiC’s kid than mine for the fun stuff. They are very accustomed to me needing to work at home in a way that they still aren’t with PiC, and it’s not working mom guilt that I’m muddling through. It’s guilt for not having anything left in the tank for fun and enjoying life with them after subtracting all the stressors of the pandemic and household management and caring for everyone’s needs and logistics.
Most of the time I think they couldn’t care less if I’m around as long as they have PiC. They walk the dogs together. They paint and draw and read and gallivant. They prepare coffee and lunch and goof off together. I’m not really a goofing off personality that way. They’re at a 9 on the Silly Scale while I won’t go near a 1. But I still feel bad for not engaging in those rare times they ask me to because I just don’t have any interest in anything in those moments.
There’s a touch of depression at play there along with very real fatigue and overwhelm.
I hope this will pass. I’m pretty sure I am doing my best and they know they’re loved.
(more…)
December 21, 2020
Week 39 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 39, Day 270: I enjoyed reading Jessica’s How to Cope (and Hopefully Even Thrive) in Times of Disaster. I’ve been doing financial stress testing since 2018 in preparation for a recession and other Bad Times:
This exercise didn’t specifically take illness into account but that has always been in the back of my mind as a fourth scenario that I’d have to cover – what we should do in case one of us (most likely me) became unable to work and earn income. I just didn’t outline it in my list back in 2018 because I wasn’t ready to wrap my head around a prolonged term of illness for any one of us.
And along come a pandemic. *facepalm*
I am grateful that I stuck to the year of cash equivalents in the bank. That really helps my sense of anxiety. I find myself wanting more but that’s my old friend hypervigilence talking. I’m getting better about that – I can see that that’s the fear brain worrying itself to bits and not a logical need, but it’s still there.
Also, it’s time we finalized our last year-end donations! We need to do this now!
(more…)
December 15, 2020
Week 38 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 38, Day 263: A friend mentioned it was a good time to do the Mins Challenge again – where each day you get rid of the same number of things as the day of the month it is. So December 1, purge 1 thing, December 2, purge 2 things and so on.
I love all motivation to purge and declutter but I never feel like that particular challenge works the way I work. I wish it did. I love the idea.
But I am a clean in spurts sort. I tend to go weeks and then burst out in a flurry of cleaning and decluttering. I’ll stick with what works for me and cheer on everyone else with their version of the Mins Challenge.
Week 38, Day 264: Our neighbors are being deeply frustrating and I am reminded of the one reason living in a suburban neighborhood sucks. People. I can’t stand people.
***
I am still baffled by the market that just keeps going up and I wonder why I’m taken aback by it. Probably because it’s so dissonant with the deadly pandemic going on. I have to keep gritting my teeth and putting money in the market because waiting for it to go down and make sense is a losing strategy (I am guessing. Aren’t we all guessing?).
Week 38, Day 265: I don’t know why I forgot to check whether Carter’s would deliver to a PO box, but I did forget and placed an order for curbside pickup for our Lakota Family. Um, hello, they DO deliver to PO boxes and this will save precious space in the flat rate box I am working on packing up for the family with postpartum and other new baby goods that we have on hand which can’t be shipped direct from a store. Thank goodness PiC reminded me to double check that. We sent the warm clothes and blankets using free shipping direct and saved ourselves an errand (and exposure to humans).
Week 38, Day 266: It’s that time of year when unanticipated boxes start showing up on our doorstep and I get to be curious what they’re going to be when I see tracking information in the Informed Delivery update.
There are a few more than usual this year since we won’t be seeing family and friends for the holidays.
I’m doubly glad that I’ve completed nearly all our holiday stuff. There remains just one set of gifts to wrap and deliver for local friends.
We did an Advent Calendar for jams this year, it’s our first one and we’re already behind on opening one a day. You wouldn’t think one ounce of new jam a day would be a challenge to work through but here we are, suppiled with enough jams to
Week 38, Day 267: I’m trying my darnedest to look at the neighbor conflicts as a short term annoyance. It might be more difficult because I’m physically and mentally exhausted, each bit of aggravation is amplified by a lot more than it might normally be. But it’s also difficult because they keep coming up with new reasons to pick fights. If we can just get the last details squared away, we can hopefully not speak to them again for the next ohhh forever.
The whole thing came about because of a misunderstanding. We had no way to know it was a problem until it was too late, and they are absolutely dedicated to making it be our fault instead of finding a way forward that we’re both ok with. Their attitude has made an unfortunate situation far worse than it has to be. They’ve also been petty and rude about every single detail despite our best efforts to remain neutral and polite.
I hate people so much.
I never thought that the pandemic isolation would feel insufficient. I want to put up ten foot walls and a moat and never talk to people again after dealing with these rude and nasty neighbors. And this is even despite PiC taking point on nearly all communications with them to spare me the angst. Grrrrr.
Caveat: I’m pretty sure my reaction encompasses all that remembered frustration with the previous horrible neighbor situation. I probably shouldn’t be trying to up stakes and move based on this one set of interactions.
:: Do you have good neighbors? Do you know where I can find some?
December 7, 2020
Week 37 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 37, Day 255: I wanted to support a local bakery for our holiday meals. I found one nearby and we ordered two large pies. The online order form offered free delivery to locals but we couldn’t pick a date or time at the time of ordering, we had to call to arrange that. We asked for a delivery well before the holiday, to avoid a rush right before Thursday, but that’s when things got odd. We agreed to a late afternoon delivery. That evening I got a message asking (basically): you want the pies or what?
I called back ten minutes later and the guy said he had already gone home. He was willing to go back to the shop if we wanted them tonight, though. Erm. Yes, that’s why we set up a delivery timeframe and date? Please, my pies…
He then started debating when would be best and kept asking for directions which confused me. Surely you have a method of getting directions based on the address provided when offering a delivery service?
Then he decided that he had to charge me a delivery fee of “only” $15 (just about the cost of a pie) in addition to the prepaid pies. I … What? When he finally showed up, three calls and more than an hour later, he said that they couldn’t charge our card we’d previously used before to pay the delivery fee. We’d have to go order $15 worth of product on the site instead… and not pick it up. This whole experience was deeply confusing.
To top it off, the pies weren’t even as good as your average grocery store quality.
We had Thanksgiving Round 1 and most if it was delightful with one exception. I am really glad we chose to order in this year. We were in no shape at all to cook and bake and cook and bake.
Week 37, Day 256: Every so often I wonder if I remember what I’m aiming for with our hopes of early retirement (along with CAN we do it?). Sometimes I wonder if I’m motivated solely by a crankiness that comes with dealing with selfish or incompetent people too often (I am), or what I would DO. But Mr. 1500’s summary of their version of early retirement with two kids helped remind me My retirement is an expansion of everything I used to do on weekends.
This feels a lot like what I’m seeking. There’s the from the negative space creation which means removing the requirement to report into a set obligation for five days (or more) a week to generate income. Then there’s the desire for freedom to do what I would normally choose all week long, not just on the weekends. More reading. More cooking. More dog time. More cleaning of the sort that I enjoy. Maybe not more long term commitments? But I seem to be incapable of not creating projects for myself…. and honestly that should be fine because I care about those projects but necessarily limit them when 40-50 hours of my life a week are committed.
Week 37, Day 257: It’s always confusing to me why contractors or subcontractors who are doing work for you don’t bother to tell you when they’re not going to show up for the day. I find it infinitely more annoying that they didn’t inform us they weren’t coming so we wouldn’t wait on them than the fact they didn’t come. That’s so inconsiderate!
***
I have been consuming excessive carbs and sugar this indulgent week, but I’ve also been extra sleep deprived and working harder than usual, so it’s a tossup whether my hands are swollen because of overuse or because of what I’m eating.
Week 37, Day 258: We ate Thanksgiving leftovers again for actual Thanksgiving Day. I have no regrets. Except maybe for the pies. Maybe I would have paid extra for another type of pie from Mariposa Bakery instead. We won’t be ordering from this bakery again though, I know that much.
Week 37, Day 259: I spent a few minutes browsing Black Friday sales but mostly wanted to focus on shopping from small businesses if we bought anything. I’ll decide tomorrow if there’s anything we particularly could use.
Bookshop.org has free shipping all weekend too so that’s something I might want to check out. But I am pretty much done with holiday gifts so this would be gratuitous shopping…
:: How was your week?