August 13, 2008
Please excuse the lack of posting, I’ve been back for a couple days but inundated with work and work-related issues.
The travel was a bit insane, as evidenced by the 14 delays and overbooked planes, but thankfully the return trip was much less eventful. They only asked for volunteers, they didn’t actually have to bump anyone. Call it foolish but I actually put my name in thinking that it’d be great to get two free round trip tickets from the one free trip. Of course, it’s just for mainland travel, so I couldn’t finally make a free trip to Maui or anything, but still, it’d be cool.
We had a great weekend, but more on that later. I’d forgotten my camera so I had to take pictures on my cousin’s camera.
July 10, 2008
BF pulled it off: he found a round trip itinerary for which we could redeem his free ticket voucher, so I’m going to Oregon to see my cousin in August!
It’ll be a long weekend for me, but unfortunately something came up at work and she has to go in, after all. Boooo. Perhaps I can bring her lunch at work. š
We’ll probably go out on the town one night, and I hope we’ll go hiking on Saturday. Because I’m flying United, I’m already trying to mentally maximize my carry-on luggage and minimize the amount of stuff I’ll have to bring.
I’ll be staying at her house, and she has more toiletries and make-up than I’d know what to do with, so I don’t have to waste room on those things. Just the basics, really, two pairs of jeans and three tops. Appropriate shoes.
So excited!!
June 12, 2008
I’m normally pretty blase about the graduation thing. I’ve even been thinking that, if and when I finally go to graduate school, I’m not going to walk when I graduate. I’m not particularly comfortable with all that attention, pomp and circumstance. And really, who isn’t bored at graduation ceremonies? Still, I paid my good-cousin dues yesterday, literally and figuratively, attending my little cousin’s high school graduation.
Man, that kid’s impressive. He’s this gangly kid that I’ve watched grow up, tolerated Power Rangers for, hung out with every Thanksgiving and suddenly he’s graduating from high school as a valedictorian, National Merit Scholar and … *drumroll please* a Presidential Scholar!
Holy. Crap. Seriously, holy crap. He even gave the best speech of all the speeches. I’m not just biased, it was funny, irreverent, and so not full of himself and his memories like everyone else’s typical “I remember first walking onto this campus four years ago….” Oh, the references to “four years ago” were rampant. My favorite line of his? “In the end, I’m just that Asian kid with good grades, whose speech you won’t remember a word of tomorrow, but for tonight at least, I hope the teachers have a sense of closure and know that they’ve done their best with us.”
I’m so proud of him I could burst. But he’s always going to be my little cousin. And the look on his face when we got home, before he got ready to leave for Grad Night, was priceless: “Wow. No more high school.” Heh. Yep.
From my jaded post-college, workaday experiences, I almost replied, “Yeah, and that confidence, that top of the world feeling you’ve got? Enjoy it now, because it’s going to be a while before you’re that flush with pride and surety again.” I didn’t. For one thing, that’s mean. And for another, it’s probably not true.
I know he’s going to face some tough times eventually, but I get the feeling that it’s going to be a while yet. He’s whip-smart, he could make air bleed, he’s so sharp. He didn’t coast to the top, I know he worked hard, so he won’t be shocked by having to work in college like some of my smart friends were. Lordy, I remember my friends and I at that age. We were so very much not life-smart; I could only wish I were half as smart as he. We were so immature, and had so much to learn. And despite the astounding academic achievements, he’s the same way: he’s still so young and a little naive. He’s even following his big sister to college because he wants to be where she is. I’ll never say this to him, but how cute is that?? I hope that they never lose that relationship, because every really smart person always needs someone to look up to and keep them grounded.
Is this confidence really just my need to believe that for him, at least, life will continue like a dream?
Maybe it is, but I feel pretty maternal about my little cousins, and it’s my job to hope that nothing ever goes wrong for them.
P.S. For the first time ever, I was totally prepared for a graduation: sunglasses for the sun, dress for the heat, and my beloved trench for when it got cold three hours later. Perfect! I think my CPW on that trench has now dropped below $1/wear. Yesssss.
May 10, 2008
*shock*
I’ve been needing to call the insurance company to deal with the removal of my mom from the insurance. I knew it’d be a bit more complicated than taking my brother off because MaDucky’s actually the policyholder, so I’d been dragging my heels a bit. Also because I wanted to compare rates with other companies while I was at it.
Instead of the usual, “So, you know how we agreed to take your mom off the insurance? Have you done it yet?” conversation, PaDucky actually told me that he’d spoken to the insurance agent and had gotten a couple quotes for the new insurance, and made some inquiries about how much we’d save when the truck comes off the insurance.
Holy … cow …
He’s NEVER handled any of our paperwork. Never. He ferries the tax documents every year, but that’s because he’s had a working relationship with the accountant for more than ten years, and it’s best for him to go chat with the guy. But bills? Rent? Medical records? Banking? Nope. Nope. No and no. He won’t even go to the bank! I’m glad, but still mostly in shock.
Something’s finally pushed him to take the initiative to do something more around here, and I’m sorry it had to be MaDucky’s complete deterioration of health.
April 7, 2008
Not Starring: Denis Leary.
More than ever, I’m realizing how blessed I am by the generosity of my friends. We all hear people say, “Let me know if you need anything,” knowing that we’re never going to ask them for a helping hand. I know I’ve been guilty of that myself, both in extending vague offers of help with the best of intentions, and accepting the sentiment but never actually taking the gesturers up on it. I’m simply not the girl who waits a knight to ride up on a horse of any color to dramatically save me from my lot in life, and actively discourage any such pretensions from the get-go if I share my “tales of woe.” That’s a pretty big if, since I know that some of my back story easily sounds like a plea for pity or martyr points, and that’s just not the game I play.
It’s a whole different world, however, to have trusted friends who actively enable you to join them and leave your worries behind, or descend upon you as A did to me yesterday, and kidnap you for an entire afternoon of talk and being away from home. Her immediate response to my stressful day was simply beyond price.
A took me to Fuddrucker’s for lunch, my first experience there, and I had an amazing turkey burger with about two inches worth of toppings and condiments. I like my veggies š If you’ve never been there, they have build-it-yourself stations with fresh lettuce, sliced tomatos, sliced onions, diced tomatos and onions, and pickles. There’s another station with all sorts of condiments: ketchup, BBQ sauce, three or four kinds of mustards, etc. We settled in with our massive burgers and had a good long discussion of how things stand at home, and the short talk I had with PaDucky about my need to leave. He was very accepting of that statement, but I don’t know if that’s because he was taken by surprise and didn’t know how to react, or if he simply understands. I can only hope it’s the latter.
Another friend joined our chat, and we had a chance to mull over some of the decisions I’m going to need to make. This won’t happen overnight, or immediately, but it helps to have sounding boards, and it’s a little comforting to know that my decision isn’t completely crazy.
April 6, 2008
In a few months, I’ll be 26, and have never left home. Traveled a bit, yes, spent a little time away from home, yes. Moved out for college? No. Moved away for a new job? No.
There are, of course, reasons. First and foremost, I’ve always taken my responsibility to my family to heart. It seemed the obvious choice: family in trouble? I can help? A + B = C!
Second, it was practical. So long as I was within commuting distance of work, what sense did it make to maintain a separate household? After all, I was supporting the family, and it’s only logical to conserve limited resources.
Third, it was a form of safety in numbers. BroDucky has a history of abusing the family’s resources, and I’m the only barrier he respects. For myself, I could work extraordinarily long hours to bring in extra money, and not have to worry about cooking for myself, grocery shopping, cleaning, home maintenance, or change for the laundromat, or living in a crappy apartment or bad neighbors, or any of the thousand and one minor details involved in living alone.
Fourth, it was my duty, wasn’t it? The essence of filial piety is to be there when needed. After all, they raised and supported, suffered and sacrificed for me for twenty odd years. More importantly, someone had to offset my bum of a brother. Since my parents had settled for two kids, I was left holding the bag.
In essence, all the reasons to stay seemed logical, practical and sensible. I could come and go as I pleased if I had time, and there was usually food in the house, and for the most part, I just paid the bills and did my thing. Sure, I thought it’d be awful nice to experience independent life, and have my own living space, and all, but it wasn’t a terrible situation, living at home, and that was a want, not a need.
But.
The past several months have really shaken my emotional balance to the core, and I’m realizing that as things just continue to deteriorate in my home, I just can’t stand it any longer.
I have to stop enabling my parents, namely my father, by subsidizing their lives while he searches for the right thing to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has been trying to some degree. He wasn’t sitting at home doing nothing the last several years, but he could really have done better. But, frankly, it’s only been in the last few months that he’s really set aside his pride and taken more drastic steps to produce some income. His previous approach to employment and the choices he made to be picky about some job offers were less than satisfactory to me and MaDucky, but neither of us could sway him to the sensible choice at that time. (It’s amazing how similar this situation is to my brother. Or not so amazing, really.) Now that he’s in motion, I’m trying to encourage the momentum.
Adding to the conflict is MaDucky’s health has declined, and she’s become extremely irrational, combative and accusatory. She’s forgetful and easily confused, and very shaky on her feet. She’s fallen countless times in the past few months, as PaDucky has reported back to me, and matters are further complicated by her insistence on finding a job. I’ve spoken to her at length, explaining that the only thing that’s important is her health, and that PaDucky and I would take care of the finances, but she’s so paranoid that she doesn’t trust him or his judgment, and spends most of her time accusing him of not caring about her, and blaming him for all his mistakes up to this point. Combined with her insistence that she’s “fine,” her mentality makes for very frustrating discussions because she can only focus on all his failings, and how they’ve hurt her. I understand that she’s depressed, anxious about money and more than a little mentally distraught, but her absolute deathgrip on negativity is nigh on impossible to break. She’s so tightly bound in her feedback loop of blame and anger that all she can do is drag me into the downward spiral with her, and that seriously stresses me out. Getting her to comply with the least little thing is like pulling teeth.
Between the three of them, I’ve come to the end of my rope. I simply can’t maintain my sanity when all I hear is bad news and tattling about the other family members’ behavior.
I’ve certainly been encouraged by my friends to get out, but it seemed so selfish to say that I no longer want to be here at Ground Zero because …. because I just didn’t want to. Close friends have insisted that it’s not selfish, but when my reason is simply that I just don’t want to be here anymore, it sure seems that way. There are other reasons, of course, like not wanting to sacrifice my life for my parents’ lives, not wanting to live their lives instead of mine by making decisions that are solely based on helping family and thereby eroding my own personal stability. But that sounds selfish. Friend A’s response was the only one that assuaged my guilt: No animal is meant to live with their parents forever. And besides, it’s not like I won’t still be around to help. I would just have a safe haven to retreat to at the end of the day.
So, for the first time, I’m seriously thinking about an exit strategy. It’s arguably the worst time to make this decision, yet, I can’t NOT. I don’t know where I should go, no idea when I’m planning to be out, heck, no idea if I can even stand this job much longer if Little Boss continues his madness! And despite my conviction that I always wanted to be going to something and not running away when I leave home, I feel the desperate need to do this for myself, never mind the overwhelming guilt that I’m abandoning my family, nor the feeling that I’m lacking in filial piety or humanity. And I’ve never said that before.
April 4, 2008
Good News: Friend looked at my car yesterday, as did his dad, and both agreed that the damage has not compromised the structure of the undercarriage. Lots of scrapes, more in some places than others, and half the bumper’s gone, but it’s just the cosmetic bits. She’s safe to drive without repairs for now. At some point I’ll replace the bumper but I’ll do that myself (er, by that I mean, Friend will teach me now), as well as repairing or replacing the scraped up frame rail.
Bad News: Drama, drama, drama-rama at work. Little Boss has been very sensitive, and feels like the staff doesn’t defer to him enough.
Unfortunately, this is a sticky situation because he started off trying to be everyone’s friend when they were hired and didn’t establish a rapport of authority like I did (I’m boss first, friend second), he has a double standard when it comes to the females (get away with everything) and males (don’t get credit for anything), and hasn’t been doing his job as a manager because he’s stuck catering to Big Boss.
The list goes on, but he also shares many of the traits that it appears SingleMa’s former boss possesses. He’s instigated a “quarterly discussion and review” in which he spent most of one person’s review commenting on other employees. Surprise!
And it’s my turn today! Can’t wait to hear what he’s interpreted as my failure to support him, when in fact, I’m doing the managing that he doesn’t have time for.
Good News: I’ve been getting random free stuff š
Bad News: Bosses offered us a free, floater vacation day because we had to work a holiday two months ago without extra compensation, and then tried to take it away from C1, the only one who’s had opportunity to take it, yesterday. “Forgot”? HMPH! Don’t even go there!
Good News: I’m meeting a lot of new visitors here lately, and it’s great to have my loyal readers contributing to the conversation regularly.
Bad News: My personal life is still a major jumble. I’m definitely taking some time to let things settle out, but it’s taking way too long for my taste. It’s probably not good that I keep thinking I want to quit my job and home, and take off at the end of the year to who-knows-what-‘n’-where, though.
Good News: I have great couple friends who are easy and fun to third-wheel with. That’s usually a weird position to be in, but they’re great, and are perfectly willing to rescue me from my house randomly.
Bad News: My parents still need a LOT of training. They keep doing things I specifically ask them not to do.
Good News: It’s Friday!!
