November 6, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 218: There is going to be so much disruption this week. Two tomorrow for Halloween: the kids’ school parade and then trick or treating. Two appointments on Wednesday for the kids, and PiC has a procedure that requires anesthesia Thursday so I’ll have to handle the drop off and pick up of everyone that day. Taking several deep breaths as we plunge headlong into the fray.
Underlying all this has been a gratitude for the flexibility that I have had to DO all this stuff in the first place. Unfortunately this gratitude was shattered today with news that I can’t share yet. If things go in one direction, the job as I know it, with all the stuff that makes this job good for our lives, would probably go away. It’s always been work, of course, but it has also been a set-up that let me do my best work at the least cost. Losing that would be devastating.
If my job changes substantially next year… whoof. The urges to (obsessively) go through our money to figure out what our options are and to wander the neighborhood muttering imprecations under my breath are strong. This timing is crappy. We’ve lived with slightly bated breath for more than a decade as this grew from a start-up and it was always possible for it to disappear at any time but it’s still crappy timing. We’re projected to pay back the emergency fund next August at best so that’s a small stresser. My health is improved but not enough to add a commute to our lives and work in an office again, even if I was willing to. That’s the much bigger stresser. The cost of commuting and in person work is too high. For now I don’t know anything concrete will happen so I just have to hope like hell that the economy swings things in my favor.
I’m also on my 12th sore throat for the year. I would really like my body to stop overreacting to viral infections by causing sores in my throat which is nearly as bad as getting sick.
Year 4, Day 219: We had a break with Halloween tradition this year, inviting new friends out since our usual Halloween friends were booked, and the kids had a LOT of fun. The new friends haven’t ever done it this way before and their mom predicts they’ll want to do it this way again next year. The kids were like Energizer bunnies, still bouncing to go go go after we adults were throwing in the towel. We even stayed out an hour too late and they STILL wanted to stay out later. My body wanted to have some words. Of course now I’m also going to have angst over whether our usual friends will be free and want to go out next year. I don’t mix friend groups as a rule, it gets too chaotic and it’s harder to enjoy each set of friends so we’d have to pick.
It’s spreadsheet day but after working until almost 11 pm, after walking miles for trick or treat, I simply have to push that to another day. I love spreadsheeting.
Year 4, Day 220: The world’s worst dental appointment was had today by Smol Acrobat who screamed all the way through their cleaning. I have no clue why. They’ve been eagerly anticipating this appointment for weeks and excited about all the goodies. They specifically freaked out about having to lay down for the exam and cleaning, so now we have to practice doing brushing and flossing laying down.
I plowed through my work in four hours and rewarded JB for their hours of chores and mostly staying occupied without bothering me too much with a trip to the library.
We still haven’t celebrated our wedding anniversary, so we need to decide if there’s something we actually feel up to doing. One more hectic day to survive this week, first.
Year 4, Day 221: Today was the MARATHON day of this marathon week. Drop off JB. Drop off PiC. Drop off Smol Acrobat. Go home, scarf three bites of breakfast, and turn back around. Pick up PiC. Work for a while. Pick up JB. Take them to self defense. Pick up Smol Acrobat. Pick up take out for dinner. Yell at my phone’s touchscreen for refusing to work. Make it home slightly late for the PTA meeting.
Brain: fried. Body: Extra crispy.
Year 4, Day 222: Friday food! I took another run at seafood pasta because PiC needed a low fiber diet this week and tried this recipe with shrimp, scallops, and calamari. My first try was only with the calamari using another recipe and while it was ok, it was pretty bland. Adding a lot of butter and broth turned things around nicely. I also accidentally harvested a plate of tiny potatoes while I was fertilizing the garden so that turned into a small batch of Japanese curry. Enough to feed four and have some left over. We relied on freezer food Wednesday, the Trader Joe’s Indian and Costco lasagna, which are all delicious but absolute torture on my sore throat. We’re on week two of that particular beauty. I need non-spicy foods for this throat. We tried a new Thai restaurant yesterday. It was pretty good and they had DUCK. The pad kee mao duck could have used a lot more duck but it was tasty nonetheless.
I also knocked out a few outstanding to do things: Putting out the final Lakota Families call for the year, sent the call out 2 emails, sent cards to my doctors to thank them for being supportive and attentive healthcare professionals. I pulled some special stickers to mail to a friend.
October 30, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 213: 89% humidity. YUCK. Not only is it terribly uncomfortable, it’s making our green onion’s soil moldy. Double yuck.
I almost skipped ordering a couple of Bonne Maman advent calendars this year. A few years back, they were $35 each so I didn’t mind paying shipping on top of that. Also, the pandemic was new. $45 after tax and shipping for a bit of joy wasn’t too steep. This year it’s $45 PLUS another $15 for ground shipping PLUS tax. Over $100 for two? Couldn’t do it. Happily, this morning I spotted a free shipping offer for orders over $65 and so jumped on it.
Also I feel very stupid. I’d just completed a course of the antiviral meds about a week and a half ago. Then another sore throat comes up again on Friday! Out of frustration and concern that taking it too often will make it ineffective, I stubbornly refused to take the next course of antiviral meds for a few days. Kept hoping it would go away so of course it’s just gotten worse by today. Sigh. I have an earache and a whole lot of regret for not taking it immediately like I should have. It was right here.
Year 4, Day 214: It officially smells like fall-cold. There’s a crispness and a cold layer to the air that signals the start of real cold weather. I would normally enjoy this but for the sharp stabbing pains in my throat when I inhale deeply. Continued regrets. Sorrows, sorrows, prayers.
I just discovered a whole stash of comments from the last six months that WordPress randomly hidden from me. ARGH. Rude! Will be making my way through those.
Year 4, Day 215: My therapist would like me to believe that I deserved a childhood, and to be a kid when I was a kid. I firmly believe this for my kids and for all kids, and want to do everything I can to help all of THEM. But believing that *I* deserved one and didn’t get it? I’m having a real mental block (or emotional) with that. Heck, I don’t even think I “deserve” (am worth) to use the furnace during the day to be warm in the house. I feel guilty using the space heater to get warm (only at intervals when I’m too cold). This is an oddly thorny issue to get through.
Those jackals at Lifetouch have ramped up their grifty ways. The Digital package with a class picture and 2 digital images is now $42. The Basic package (with 5×7, 3×5 and 2x3s) is $27 but they’ve taken away the class picture and it costs $18 to add a class picture. I don’t want the basic package and am annoyed at how they’ve engineered it so you have to pay $40+ if your kid cares about a class picture (they do) no matter what you get. That extra $15-20 could go to help someone pay a bill. I don’t want to waste it on Lifetouch. And we can’t get JUST the class picture, you have to get a package. *grumble* And WHO wants 8×10 school pictures? I’m sure someone does but I sure don’t want them every year. Never did when I was going to school, don’t now. Also they’ve doubled the prices. It used to be $15 and then $17 for a Basic package with a class picture, some wallets, and a few 5x7s. That’s why I never had this level of irritation over it – about $20 was an acceptable price. Now it’s more than $40 for less than what we got before.
Year 4, Day 216: I’m plotting the calendar for next year at work and at home. For home, I’m trying my absolute darnedest to schedule appointments for next year in the first 8-9 months of the year. If we can avoid regular appointments in the last three months, then the holiday crush might feel less bad. Right?
For work, I’m working on coverage for everyone’s hoped for vacation times and that preparation starts yesterday. That may still be too late! There are so many logistics to juggle: recruiting! Hiring! Training! Bah!
This is my deliriously tired attempt to assert some measure of control over what feels like endless chaos against the bigger backdrop of the world in chaos. There is so much terrible that’s out of my control. I’ve got to start focusing more on the things I can affect to avoid giving in to fatigue and despair.
Year 4, Day 217: One of many rushed days (still in my future), I had to wrap up work after picking up JB to take them to a family event hosted by PiC’s employer.
What a time to find out that I’m not cut out for the spinning teacups anymore. Thankfully it was low key regret, nothing major, and the kids loved the buffet. There was an abundance of hot dogs but we’re apparently entirely spoiled by Costco hot dogs, no one else’s hot dogs seem worth eating. Dinner for Smol Acrobat was: popcorn, watermelon, crackers, a single slice of a turkey wrap, a cookie and some hot dog. JB’s dinner was many popcorns, cotton candy, a quarter hot dog, many many swedish meatballs, some pasta salad and penne pasta with meat sauce.
It went longer than I expected so it was quite painful having to finish working but finish I did! Because I’m responsible. Tired but responsible.
Even nature is getting into the Halloween spirit! Our spiders have blanketed our hedges with spiderwebs. It’s not as obvious as the store bought decor but I think it’s beautiful and not at all creepy as long as I don’t have to touch the hedges for any reason. There must be 1000 spiders in there to have spun this many webs. (Very little exaggeration, the hedges are huge and the webs are legion.)
For next week, I’ve ordered the Halloween themed snacks for JB’s class. I’ll put aside a set of plates and napkins to contribute to their class party next year so that doesn’t feel so last minute and annoying when it comes up. I’ve scribbled my list of wants and needs to shop for during the Black Friday sales (a tiny kingdom for two sets of travel sized bottles that won’t spring a leak after a couple years!). I’ve worked up a gift checklist so I can keep track of whose gifts are already taken care of and methodically wrap and store them instead of haphazardly sticking them in the gift box and trying to remember who gets what. PiC will be having some screening tests at the hospital so we’ll have to manage his diet more carefully next week. He feels like it’ll be simple so I’m going to do my best not to worry too much. But I do plan to make him a simple seafood pasta since he liked that. Last time it was too simple though, with sliced calamari in sauteed garlic and olive oil. It needs more flavor. I’ll add shrimp but it needs something else.
October 23, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 206: I wrote to all our CongressCritters today to reject KOSA and genocide, and to ask them to support trans people and codifying access to abortion. The world is horrible and we’ve got to do what we can. A friend recommended the Jewish Voice for Peace site and 5 calls was also helpful.
I used to expect the holidays (and stresses) to begin in November but it’s sinking in that it really all starts in October. Harvest, Fall and/or Halloween events, pumpkin carving parties hosted by friends, pumpkin carving or decorating contests. Our weekends are triple stacked this month. Then it’s birthdays and Thanksgiving (which of course I have complicated by fundraising for the Pine Ridge reservation and I’m worried that we won’t be able to do much this year but I’d like to try). Before you know it, you’ve got to be ready for the end of the year.
This reminds me that I haven’t wrapped the gifts we’ve already purchased. Wrapping them would make me feel a little better.
Good thing: Smol Acrobat slept through the night last night! First time in 6? weeks? Have we ever strung together more than two full nights in a row? Not for a very long time.
Bad thing: They got stuck in Terrible 2s mode several times so we had to take two timeouts before dinner. That seemed excessive but ultimately helped. They had time/space to work through the explosive feelings. When they started acting out at dinner, asking if they needed another timeout got them out of the broken record cycle. They weren’t punitive timeouts, I sat nearby until the feelings petered out, it just removed the audience for the tantrum and the temptation for JB to third-parent which sets off the cycle all over again.
Year 4, Day 207: Yesterday I started the day at about a 1 out of 10 in energy. Today’s almost as bad but not quite. Let’s call this a 3. The morning walks weren’t as taxing today. Sometimes I forget, on the really bad days, that it can get a little better so this is my reminder that it can.
Reminding myself that, much like Sera 🐶 needed 2.5 days to recover from Saturday’s dinner and playdate, my own body needs at least a week to recover from last week’s jam-packed schedule. I wouldn’t let myself off the hook for JB’s class this afternoon, despite my overwhelming urge to crawl into a blanket nest and shut the world out. It might be silly to think that skipping one class will lead to a rash of skipped classes but that’s where the whole “If you give a mouse a cookie” syndrome kicks in. Let me skip one, I’ll try to skip them all.
Also *whispering* two! Two nights Smol has slept through the night! TWO.
Year 4, Day 208: Huh, JB took the warnings about consequences if they keep making us drag them out of bed on school mornings to heart. They were up and dressed and making continental breakfast by the time I dragged myself out of bed. (With a literal pain in the neck, several vertebrae are deeply painful today.) Can this last? WE SHALL SEE.
The weather shifted abruptly from grey and foggy to Far Too Warm today, can’t tell if this correlates to the ache or not.
In any case, the sweet potato slips experiment is coming along nicely! Yesterday we spotted tiny rootlets on all three of the sprouts. They’re tiny (both the sprouts and the rootlets), so I had worried they’d be non-viable. Hopefully we’ll be ready to plant them this or next weekend. Our weather is all over the place, so maybe it’s best to give the roots more time to grow before challenging them to the Great Outdoors.
I do wonder why it seems like the green onions grow much more slowly in soil than in water. They shot up an inch or two every day submerged in water. Now, in the soil, they’re creeping much more slower.
Year 4, Day 209: This day is using up all my can, possibly even all my rolling with the punches. PiC’s morning meeting ran long so I had to mind Smol Acrobat during my early work hour. We spent it outside dumping potting soil in the containers. They enjoyed mushing up the dirt clods. Then they decided to dig for potatoes in the fresh soil. Applying the transitive property, their logic was something like: If that bag has dirt and potatoes in it, then this bag that now has dirt must also have potatoes in it! The green onions have a white fuzz on the top of the potting soil. Oops, overwatered. Scraped away the mold and set them out in the sun to bake up a bit since we’re having a heat spike today.
After just 20 minutes of frantically working to clear the work decks, I get a call. PiC’s bike blew a flat tire and they were walking the rest of the way to daycare. *deep sigh* That’s another hour lost.
“There’s stuff I don’t wanna miss, and I’m afraid I’m gonna because I already promised too much of myself to too many people.”
That’s a hell of a line to hear when I’m feeling the latter part pretty keenly in my own way.
Year 4, Day 210: Crawling into this Friday. My neck has been sore most of the week, always vastly more tiring than I remember between bouts. Luckily I managed to score an appointment with the massage therapist because she had a cancellation this week. I was a bundle of stress about the work I wasn’t getting done in that time beforehand but so glad that I didn’t talk myself out of it. My list of things to do for work and for home feels endless: get Home Depot to refund my money for the item they still haven’t delivered from a month ago, update the Chewy order for Sera’s 🐶 meds and treats, pay our twice-yearly tax bill, make a list of things we need (to shop the Black Friday sales), set aside cash and checks for the school fundraiser fair, schedule next year’s eye appointments for earlier in the year so I don’t spend my fall ferrying people to and from the eye doc.
October 16, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 199: A brief vaccine timeline starting Friday night.
* BOOSTED! Tiny poke, felt like nothing.
* 4 hours post-vax. Arm very mildly sore. Top half of body feeling mildly seedy but well within my normal range of “feelin’ terrible on a Friday night”.
* 15 hours post-vax. The bones in my entire right arm were pretty sore, my right hand hurt the worst. Tylenol helped ease most of that aching but I definitely felt like Kipo with her giant arm.
* 18 hours post-vax. Oh no I feel terrible. Generically terrible. Achy, tired, maybe nausea but can’t tell for sure, no longer happy to be upright, put myself back to bed for a bit.
* 24 hours post-vax. It’s distinctly weird to feel so sick but knowing you’re not sick. JB and Smol Acrobat have been told that we’re basically sick so y’all need to listen and help out. Smol is, of course, no help at all. JB is insisting on minding Smol so we can rest (with one ear listening).
* 32-38 hours post-vax. I woke up every hour drenched in sweat and then shivering minutes after removing blankets. Body couldn’t decide between hot and cold. Gross and annoying.
* More than 48 hours after the latest COVID vax and we’re pretty much good now. I think all the stuff going on today (aches etc) are entirely down to my usual health nonsense. It sucked but being out of sorts for about two days is so much better than coming down w/actual COVID for days and weeks.
A lot less of this arm thing going on today, for which I’m very grateful:
In exciting news, our blackberry bush arrived today! We freed it from the box, JB welcomed it with a watering, and I’ve been reminded that our normal weather is wind, wind, and more wind. I’d better get to repotting these two babies sooner than later, the blueberries have been knocked over three times already and the wind only just came back yesterday.
Year 4, Day 200: What a hard day. Work is inundated right now and I’m scrambling to cover as many bases as we can with what resources are available but they’re all stretched thin.
I’m stretched too thin at home, too. School dropoff, school pickup, and after school class are all routine and squash my day. I was already tired. Then we had to swing by the ortho visit and get JB’s thing installed so that put us further behind. Their discomfort and distress was manageable until we got home when they were especially clingy and needy. That would have been fine but Smol Acrobat decided to see that as a competition/ challenge and started demanding separate and equal attention. The kid who demanded group hugs this morning was offended by the ask to share my hugs this evening. Of course. Their bickering continued through dinner. Brushing teeth turned into a half hour ordeal as I had to help pick out all the food stuck in the appliance. I can handle all manner of ear gunk and dog yuck but this grossed me out. I’ll have to tighten the appliance nightly for two weeks as well. It’s part of our parent deal. I handle dental care because PiC can’t handle it and he handles all vomit and swim stuff.
Both kids are sniffly, sneezing, a cough here and there. I’m eyeing my antivirals thinking, do I take them now? Am I feeling sick or am I just extra fatigued?
*****
The tragic killings in Gaza and Israel are horrific. Anything I would say is deeply inadequate, my heart simply hurts for the families caught in this terrible conflict.
Year 4, Day 201: It’s time to start reading up on Open Enrollment again. I have a couple weeks to make some decisions. We’ll keep our HMO plan, no cost changes this year, and max out the FSA / Dependent Daycare allocations as usual. I have to decide when we need to change our vision and dental plans. We missed the window for orthodontic coverage for JB this year. We’re expecting a second treatment all the adult teeth are in so we’ll have to be alert to when that rolls around and upgrade to the premium plan ahead of time.
*****
So much household stuff today in addition to the usual school drop-off and pickup. Laundry, cleaning up, loading the dishwasher, swapping out gross old pillows that can’t be revived anymore with the new ones I got on sale. It feels like a bad week to be doing ANYTHING extra because I already overloaded the week with two big items: JB’s ortho care and their eye appointment. I’m tapped out already and we still have days to go.
Year 4, Day 202: Smol’s fever hit in the middle of the night. PiC fielded the first two rounds, a wake up and a night terror two hours later. The second night terror hit at 430 and I took that one, sending him off to bed. I remember JB having nightmares and being sick but they were more rocklike. They’d need me to hold them until they fell asleep, then I was usually free. Smol Acrobat requires a whole lot more getting up in the middle of the night. Multiple times. I felt that telltale tickle in my throat by morning as well, and started my antivirals in hopes of holding it off.
Just like with money, margin makes all the difference in time and health. Having more margin means being able to handle one more thing in the mental load, or stretch to one more sleepless night. This week has zero margin. Last week, I worked on improving my sunscreen habit, putting it on sunscreen every time I go out, to keep my rosacea in check. This week, that mental load shifted to JB’s dental care – I haven’t remembered to sunscreen all week. This week I can’t work late to catch up because Smol will need me at some point. I can’t afford to work late AND get up too early and depress my system enough that I get sick. It’s simply not in the budget.
Year 4, Day 203: Friday food review! Chicken fajita night: I only like chicken fajitas if someone else made them. Salmon: I’ve been baking salmon wrapped in foil about once a week lately, I think it’s becoming a regular item. Smol usually eats it like gangbusters (don’t jinx myself don’t jinx myself). I started pondering switching to parchment paper, but I set tortillas on fire in the toaster oven so I was done for the night. On Thursday I diced chicken into the tiniest of pieces to make chicken porridge for JB. PiC also brought them home a large pot of chicken noodle from Costco. We are awash in soft foods.
Water bottle goodwill: I got to repay the universe’s random assistance fund. PiC has unknowingly lost Smol Acrobat’s water bottle on their bike commute and had kind strangers notice, rescue it and flag them down. Today I saw a little kid’s water bottle fall out and roll into the street, right as I was saying goodbye to JB. The kid knew not to run into the street, they were yelling to their grandma that their water bottle was rolling down the street, and I was able to hop out, grab it before it’d gone a full car length and give it back.
Three weeks ago, genius that I am, decided that 4 pm Friday was a grand time to have JB’s eyes checked. Three weeks ago Me was cruel and/or foolish. We were there for two hours all told after a long day, at the end of a very long week. It is as if the Hope-Crushing Horde stampeded my SOUL.
October 9, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 192: It’s early release all week long. My already short interruption-free parts of the days are now even shorter. But in a stroke of luck, I found a cursive book on sale a few weeks ago and had tucked it away, it’s perfect for this week. JB was thrilled to get it. That’s got to be good for about three days of preoccupation, at a guess. Possibly four.
Year 4, Day 193: Smol woke up at 1 am crying for a hug and asking to go to the big bed. I hugged them until they were willing to lay back down in their own bed. Then I went back to bed where I was completely unable to go back to sleep because my bones flared up something fierce. Painsomnia, everyone’s best friend!
The silver lining to the brain fog was when I caught my brain trying to float away on a cloud of fatigue, instead of being mean to myself and scrunching my shoulders to my ears, I let it float until I could corral it gently back to task. I still got all the things done. Even if it wasn’t at the pace I’d normally set, it was without making the pain and fatigue worse by adding extra stress. I’m learning!
Well, mostly not. It’s so like my body to withhold honest feedback until evening and then run me over with the semitruck of pain and fatigue as soon as I put dinner on the table. I almost crashed but bucked myself up with the thought of cake for dessert. Naturally that’s when Smol Acrobat decided to revert to their “I can’t possibly transport a spoon from the bowl to my mouth, that’s an absurd expectation” mode and refused to eat with their own limbs. I dislike this mode.
They did not get cake.
Year 4, Day 194: The jokes were all on me today. I decided it was going to be a cozy sweats and stay at home (working, of course but no activities) day. Then I walked out and it was pushing 80 degrees. Oh. Right. Heat wave today. And then I saw the calendar and remembered that I have an in person meeting AND an appointment to take JB to the ortho this afternoon. Triple fail. 😅
Bonus fail: the ortho scheduler / office manager was incompetent and only scheduled one of the two appointments we needed for this stage of treatment so I was very unthrilled to add a second appointment to my week next week. I would have scheduled next week differently had I known. She and I are not friends. At our last appointment, she overcharged for our treatment plan claiming that she agreed to honor the quote but not the discounts in the quote. That is PART OF THE QUOTE. Ahem. I don’t appreciate dishonesty and I don’t appreciate overpaying.
But my blueberry bush arrived early! That was very exciting. JB helped me unpack and it’s very pretty. It’s compact, expected to top out at 1-2 feet tall and wide which is just the right size for our yard.
Also, I scored a really big win for myself and some of my team this week and I’d been puffed up with the joy of sharing their good news all day. It wasn’t until evening that I realized I’d forgotten to be happy about my part! Good job, me.
Year 4, Day 195: Heat wave cons: so hot, oh so hot. Sunburns. Sunblock runs into eyes when you sweat it off. The pavement gets too hot for Sera’s 🐶 feet so we have to be quick about walks. Emergency chocolate in my bag melts into a squishy lump. Legs stick to leather car seats. Dizziness strikes hard, at random. Half this household does NOT handle heat well.
Heat wave pros: dishes dry really fast. We can line dry clothes (usually it’s too damp so they mold. yuck.) At night, the sky is beautifully clear and the stars are visible. The morning chill is pleasantly crisp, sitting on the skin, not biting bone deep.
Year 4, Day 196: Friday food review! I made quick panko chicken on the fly one night, served with rice and creamed spinach from the freezer. Then I made a chicken, tofu, and broccoli stir fry kind of thing using up the leftover packets of Korean BBQ style marinade from the Kevin’s meal kits. That was so big we had leftovers for a second dinner and small lunch. The hottest day this week was designated “have someone else cook today”: chicken and waffles takeout! Supporting a small local business and delicious food = happy.
Our local Kaiser finally got their COVID vaccine supply in today so we tried our luck and now both adults are vaccinated! We have to set appointments for the kids to have theirs administered by the pediatrician, so now I have to stalk those appointments. Will report back on how we feel post-vax, the initial jab was pleasantly “small needle” feeling like our flu vaccines were, and no immediate effects were felt.
October 2, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 185: I spent most of the weekend on the shopping and tracking and all the admin work for our September Lakota families (background). I am thinking very sadly that last year we did SUCH an amazing job fundraising for shopping the Black Friday sales but I’m doubtful I’ll be able to do more than a small fraction of that this year. I can’t tell if it’s primarily because reach has shattered since the loss of Twitter or if everyone’s having a harder time than usual, financially. I hope that it’s just the former. It feels like I’m giving up when the going gets hard. People need the help more than ever, this year, and instead of getting revved up, I’m deflated.
****
Email from CVS: “You’ll find COVID-19 testing at your nearby CVS® for $69.99.” $70???? I am so tired of this country’s lack of affordable access to care.
My hormones are overactive today, setting off waves of cramps so strong that I’m nauseous and sweating. No wonder I hate everything today.
Year 4, Day 186: We’re still about ten minutes behind our usual morning routine and it’s been over a week of recovery. I’d expected to be back on it by yesterday, but I’m still dragging and waking up later than I should. Normally Smol Acrobat is my alarm.
The first rain of the fall season fell overnight, so everything’s wet or damp. It’s like a gentle warning of what may lay ahead.
Lots of bits of bad news from friends today. Two were injured, one with broken bones, and another one lost a job offer they’d been overjoyed to receive after months of hunting. Boy I hope things look up from here for them.
Year 4, Day 187: We finally got back on track this morning! Dropoff and sendoff (of PiC and Smol Acrobat) achieved before 8:30 am finally.
Following on from the weekend when I made the time to tackle some desperately needed floor scrubbing, floor scrubbing I haven’t had time or energy for since the entire pandemic started, I feel the urge to learn how to sew something new this year. I haven’t felt this pull all year. I’d love to figure out how to make these designs: Japanese knot bag and gift bag. Is it a coincidence that this coincides with the upcoming holiday gift season? I’m sure it’s not at all. Still, the desire to create doesn’t often wake up in me so I try to listen to it when I can. I most definitely don’t have time for it today but I CAN check to see where I can get for liner material on sale.
Year 4, Day 188: We’ve had forecasts for warm weather all week but it didn’t pan out a single day this week. Luckily it was dry enough that PiC and Smol could do their usual bike commute.
Last week, I started a new jug of detergent. Bought it on sale ages ago, so long ago I’d forgotten it was slightly different from our usual. This one came “plus oxi-clean with odor-blasters!” I’d focused on the oxi-clean part, which I like, and failed to understand “fresh burst” tucked into the corner meant scent. Oops. We’ve used fragrance free detergent for several years now so this was an unpleasant surprise. I crossed my fingers that I’d get used to it. I think we’ve achieved scent neutrality today. I’m accustomed enough to it not to be irritated. Small win!
You’d think I’d be accustomed to being tired all the time, but that’s not how it works. I’ve been fatigued since 2013 and every day is still a mystery of “why am I so tired today?” Last week made sense, we were recovering from a very strenuous weekend. This week, I caught up on most of my backlog and found 20 minutes to dig in the potatoes and onions garden. Why does reaching the end of the day still feel like crawling to a mirage in the desert?
Having chronic fatigue is weird. You know you’re always going to be operating at 10-20% at best and yet still try to find a “reason” for it as if it’s not just a built-in feature.
Year 4, Day 189: Friday food review! I heated up a Kevin’s premade meal, Korean BBQ flavored chicken and added a box of tofu to it to serve with rice and creamed spinach one night. Another night I whipped up a tray of panko chicken, served with rice and salad. Go figure, JB was in love with the Caesar salad, and Smol Acrobat was willing to eat anything in exchange for cheese from the Caesar salad.
Are there any good frozen waffles? Thick heavy hearty waffles? The kids love Trader Joe’s frozen waffles but they just make me sad. They’re probably about as good as Eggo waffles were back in the day but I haven’t had those in eons.
September 25, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 178: It’s “I feel like a SLUG” Monday. The weekend was too long and too much, and didn’t end until about 2 this morning because of painsomnia, but it’s over and I’m putting it behind me. A shame that I can’t put the PEM behind me just as expeditiously.
I managed huge piles of work and my expectations. The remaining giant piles can wait until tomorrow and it will be ok. It is not a judgement on my prowess that some days I can’t do the work of four people. I also gave myself extra time to go pick up JB so I could sloth as slowly as I needed without worrying about running late. Before giving up for the day, I picked a second Lakota family to shop for before September is over.
Something set off my bag lady syndrome. I’m balancing a flare up of my occasional “must hoard resources!” instinct alongside my usual must-help-folks-personally motto. Might be partly because we’ve given a lot more than usual in a single week to folks who needed cash, might be something else triggered my old insecurities. I often worry we don’t help people enough and then have to remind myself it’s ok to live our own lives too, we don’t have to give until it hurts every time all the time. We still have a responsibility to look out for our futures and the kids, as much as we do to give back to the community.
Smol Acrobat was a giant pill at dinner but cooperative during bath time. It doesn’t quite even out but that’s better than the usual terrible at dinner, terrible at bath, and terrible at sleep trifecta.
Year 4, Day 179: Another slow and late morning. We’re still recovering from the weekend, I’ll probably be sluggy all week. My eyes were irritated the whole morning, I assumed it was because my eyeglass prescription is out of date, but it may actually be because the wildfire smoke had been blowing in. I didn’t notice the smell until mid afternoon, when it had become cloying and gross. On that theme, I missed an important detail in a text which led to some complications in the kid pickup routine. Then the dinner place we were going to try was closed today. Also irritating! (more…)