July 15, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 103: No, the giant boxes destined for UPS didn’t go out. There were multiple hours this weekend where I thought “I should…” but the body said “hahaha you’re funny”. I feel like I’m constantly at odds with my brain, my body, or both, and they’re independent entities that I coexist with. Starts to make you wonder where your “you” lives and who’s in charge anyway??
Ahem. Anyway.
Today I am stalking the delivery truck. After much adjusting of the watering (more water, less water) making absolutely no difference in the cucumber plants refusing to grow taller than 2 inches, I’ve ordered fertilizer and it’s due today. The snap peas are still refusing to germinate to my disappointment, so I’m overcompensating by planting a whole lot more green beans. But few of the plants seem willing to grow much right now, so I’m pinning my hopes on fertilizer perking them up.
Year 5, Day 104: Big sigh. JB’s not feeling well again and a small part of me wishes this happened next week when we didn’t have camp paid for. There are no refunds for non attendance, obviously. But this is me putting down the wasted money woes and leaving it here instead of dwelling on it. We are trying to balance “don’t give up at the first sign of discomfort” and “your health comes first” with them and sometimes that means money is wasted.
Year 5, Day 105: Some days I feel like a bizarro incarnation of the terrible manager in Office Space. I arrive at work with my cup of water and my annoyance and spend the day calling people to task for embarrassing mistakes, misinformation, and wasteful incompetence that makes life harder for everyone else. It leaves such a sour taste in my mouth. The external people are terrible, my reports are the best, but it’s still ever so frustrating.
These changes have been creeping up on us so it’s not a surprise but is still deeply unpleasant. Not unlike a dousing of ice water in the face at six random times a day. When they first started, I resolved to TRY to ride out 12-18 months to let the dust settle before making any decisions. I’ve been leaning really hard into the Buddhist idea that clinging to what I want (and can’t have) is what produces (more) suffering and we have control over nothing (as another Buddhism practicing friend reminds me). Not sure if it’s actually helping, there’s still so much frustration in my day to day right now. Actually, yes, as I think about this more, there’s a tendency among the Buddhists in my family to interpret the “let go of the illusion of control” as “have no feelings, show no feelings” and that’s not healthy. This DOES help because after my feelings run their course, it helps to recenter myself in accepting that I’ve done my best and let the rest go.
In a fit of ironic self soothing, I revised our 2024 and 2025 cashflow spreadsheets with the assumption that these numbers will be stable for at least 18 more months. At this very moment, I’m skeptical about that outlook but will lean hard on the spreadsheets to keep my sort-of-promise to myself so that I don’t quit in a huff.
Year 5, Day 106: Wastewater levels in California are classified as high. We still mask, and we just got our boosters, and I’m adding a third layer of protection. We ordered an iota-carageenan nasal spray (Nasitrol) for use when we’re going to be around other people for hours at a time. We’ll have to unmask to eat and drink so the nasal spray adds protection for those times.
You know what’s really creepy? When your kid starts whispering really harshly like they’re possessed, in the middle of the night. Not a fan!
Year 5, Day 107: Shoe report! For my replacement sandals, I bought Crocs flip flops (very functional, can get wet without getting ruined) and Clarks Arla Glison (functional and fancy) sandals. They are all very comfortable. I was skeptical when I bought them, probably most skeptical of the Clarks because they’re platforms, but I’ve been able to wear both pairs for long stretches without pain. And without tons of regret at the end of the day. Total surprise.
PiC went rogue and bought Hokas for me which look a touch outlandish but, after adjusting to them, they’re quite comfortable. Their very large price tag is uncomfortable, I usually buy 4 pairs of sneakers for $110 and that lasts me 4-5 years, so these are way outside my price point but they feel really good now that I’ve gotten used to the height.
July 8, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 96: Ngh, I feel several shades of terrible. No specific symptoms, just intense fatigue and the creeping crud type feeling of “ugh”. My dental hygienist spotted the start of a viral infection during my appointment last week so I’ve been taking my antivirals and trying to rest more. Well ok, I rested this weekend because I had to. I couldn’t actually manage to keep pushing through. But that’s still an improvement over tormenting myself!
My Mondays used to stink, they’re really terrible now. So my response is to be really angry and then set new limits on what I’ll do. I’m hoping there’s a bell curve of horrible that we’ll come down the other side of soon. Very very soon.
To compound my mundane sadness, I forgot my dog walking bag today. I usually take it in case of crow friends and running into dog friends but in my haste, I left it behind. Who landed on the house just ahead of me and eyeballed me waiting for a treat? My crow friend I haven’t seen in weeks! It waited very pointedly until I lamented, I’m so sorry, I don’t have treats for you today! Then it flew away. I hope it doesn’t hold this against me.
Of course this is all super mundane against the Supreme Court basically cementing fascism this week and declaring a President immune from prosecution for Official Acts. Who knew it would come on this quick? Oh right, we all saw this coming.
Year 5, Day 97: Work is frustrating to the extreme right now so this tickled me deeply:
On top of the frustrating people, all my devices and apps and software are acting up. This one doesn’t want to open, that one doesn’t want to load, the other one will only refresh on my phone but not my laptop. Seriously not cool.
*****
The community that used to come together for mutual aid, mostly on Twitter and sometimes by email, is so fractured now, it feels like it was just a happy dream. It’s heartbreaking to see the effect this is having on vulnerable people who were juuuust scraping by before. I followed Aji and Wings on Twitter and now on Bluesky. The work Wings does is breathtaking, that craftsmanship!, but I cannot be trusted with these works of art. They’re also people who support their community as much as they can even though they’re going through tough times. They’re really struggling financially right now as they’re not getting the sales they need to make ends meet this year. I’ve sent some money through Paypal to avoid unnecessary fees (since this is a gift) but it’s a drop in the bucket and I hope that sharing will lead to more sharing and sales.
Year 5, Day 98: Here’s an upside! I’ve been taking a brisk walk every day for my mental health since last week. Last week, I had to stop halfway to catch my breath every day. This week, I can make it most of the way without stopping. Of course, I discover this just before the massive heat wave to hit this region so will my conditioning hold through next week? Who knows!
*****
I didn’t think I would relate to Mike Barnow from Madam Secretary but on reflection why didn’t I? Love dog, hate dealing with people, yes, yes that checks out:
Mike: I want the job you promised me. Counselor to the president. Behind the scenes. Under the radar. Cracking heads and crushing enemies.
Elizabeth: Yes but you’re so GOOD at being my chief of staff.
Mike: ACTING chief of staff and of course I’m amazing at it. But I hate it. It’s all relationships and people. So many people. In person.
Year 5, Day 99: So hot. It’s stiflingly hot. My kingdom for a breeze.
We don’t usually let the kids do water play, we’re a drought state! But it’s a holiday and also so so hot so we invited the kids’ friends over for a water and bubble play morning. In the end we forgot entirely about half the things we intended to set out for them but the water slide thing and the hammock were all they needed before and after the water balloon fight that PiC instigated.
We’d stocked up on fruit and easy kid food so snack time segued right into lunch time and all the kids ate what they were served. Smol Acrobat wasn’t even half a butt about eating their lunch with all these other kids to play with! They returned to a whole butt status when the kids went home for dinner. Of course they did. The kids (all under 8) went home without complaining, but one of them made sure to secure permission to come back again. Then tried to schedule that next visit for tomorrow. A compliment of sorts? What’s even funnier is that those same kids said they were heading home for a nap. Well exercised and well fed enough to choose a nap, good job on our part? PiC, as usual, deserves most of the credit. He did all the grocery shopping and food prep. I shared kid wrangling with another parent and coordinating the timing of things like water breaks and snack breaks and so on. We did good teamwork.
It was a lot of fun and also I massively overdid it. My body has a number of regrets and would like to formally complain to management for poor decisions.
Year 5, Day 100: My entire body is vibrating with pain. I’ve popped painkillers all day in hopes it’ll ease up soon. And, as expected, YEP, I’m thoroughly discombobulated back at work today. Days off in the middle of the week are weird.
What day is it, what’s tomorrow, where do I need to be when? I hate having my routines disrupted. Except there was a new disruption today: a long time friend was passing through town and we got to nab her for a few hours visit and dinner. I’ve missed her so much and that short visit cleansed my mind and refreshed my body. The pain and fatigue was halved after she left, even despite my staying up way too late afterward. Treatment for ME/CFS: super supportive fun friends who are easy to hang out with regardless of whether it’s been a day or a decade since we last saw each other?
All kidding aside, I’m paying for Thursday through the weekend more than likely, and I’d better adjust my expectations accordingly. We’ll get laundry done but I’m not sure if we’re going to do much more than that. Though there are two very large boxes I’ve got nearly packed up to ship to the Allen Youth Center, it’d be great to get that on its way. BUT I’m still waiting on PiC to sort through the last set of Legos to see what else he wants to add to what I’m sending, first.
July 1, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 89: What a DAY. Meetings upon calls upon meetings upon questions, and all before I got to the actual work that needed to be done. Made myself eat a fast bite at 2 pm and go outside for a brisk walk at 3 pm in an effort to not fall back into workaholic ways. I was rewarded by running into a neighborhood dog who is a great fan and of whom I am a great fan. Puppy skritches and a blissed out dog face were just the ticket.
JB’s at full day camp this week which gives me three whole days of working uninterrupted (except for all these meetings and calls). Love solid days. Hate meetings. Boo corporate life.
JB blew through all my hearts in Duolingo tonight so I have to get in several practice sessions to build up the heart stash. Apparently, you need hearts to get to do new lessons, which I forget frequently. I also forgot which language I was working in myself, and made a couple mistakes before I reoriented my brain. I don’t know if it’s worth paying for the paid version, I’m working on 3 languages off and on and paying for it makes me feel like I’d REALLY better be getting somewhere with them. That might not be worth the extra pressure (incentive).
Year 5, Day 90: Per Chef Jose Andres, it’s Bourdain Day, a day of remembrance on Anthony Bourdain’s birthday “to celebrate everything Tony did for the world and how he used food to break down walls and build longer tables”. Bourdain is one of the few food celebrities I respected. He brought humility to his shows about food in the world, unlike most dudes who make the food about themselves, and his condemnation of Kissinger were the first peek I had into what a monster that man was. I appreciated that learning. A moment of remembrance for a man who tried to be decent.
Our many waving potato plants are starting to turn a little yellow. It’ll be exciting to see if this spring’s regular watering and extra hilling resulted in a bigger yield or if the aboveground action was the whole party. Fingers crossed! Also aside from the novelty of (very occasionally) eating from our own garden, the garden potatoes just taste better. Sometimes the store bought potatoes come with a weird taste that only bothers me. Not quite bitter, not quite sour, just an odd offness. No one else ever noticed but our fresh dug potatoes don’t have that.
My work day went from 8:30 am to 10 pm today. Subtract two hours for two appointments and two hours for dinner and bedtime routines. That’s a 13.5 hour day containing 9.5 hours of work. Maybe not as much overworking as I’d assumed but you know what, that’s still a hell of a lot more than I think the job deserves given the recent developments. Partly the technology mess they created has slowed me down to a crawl but I need to get on top of this tendency to overwork to make up the difference. If work has to wait three more days, it has to wait.
Year 5, Day 91: A dear friend of ours recently caught COVID and it took two weeks for them to recover, their course of illness was awful. That, combined with my anticipation of summer socializing (the county fair is coming!), had me anticipating horrible things. I scheduled the whole family for boosters. We were last boosted in the fall and we are well out of that 4-6 month efficacy window so Kaiser better not give me any guff over these.
Some of the green blackberries are turning a beautiful deep red.
My plantings of sugar snap peas, lettuce, and second round of bush beans from three weeks ago were all a bust. If they were going to sprout, they would have done 1-2 weeks ago. I’ve popped more snap peas into water to soak for several hours for another attempt: hope springs everlasting unlike my sprouts. It’s a good thing I’m choosing to stress over growing something to eat out of our garden. If we relied on this garden’s success for our meals, our rations would be very thin indeed. This gives me something relatively harmless to direct my need to fuss at and only generated mild levels of proto-anxiety. It’s a reasonable pressure release valve. I go pester the plants whenever work or life gets to be too much.
Year 5, Day 92: Dental spa day! My teeth are now sparkling clean after a nice lie down on a soft reclining chair and they tell me that my gum pockets are actually improving. The anxious underachiever in me is soothed by this proof that our dental habits can make a difference. This is so much better than eye appointments where they just confirm a minor deterioration for me or a major one for JB and advise us to do certain things but say ultimately there’s really nothing we can do to stop it other than trying the course of therapeutic contacts. JB is very squeamish and afraid to try, and I will not fight with them over sticking contacts in their eyeballs, so that’s out. I can work with “floss better in these problem areas”.
United Healthcare has finally coughed up ten out of fourteen FSA claims submitted. They’re still holding out on 4 old ones.
I ALSO forced myself to put on those fancy new sneakers that PiC insisted on picking out for me to try and went for a brisk walk around lunchtime instead of hunching over my computer like a gremlin for an entire day without breaks. That felt really weird. Not just the walking part but also the new shoes part. They felt like mattress sized clown shoes. They’ll probably feel better after a few walks, or my calves will go into complete revolt. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to! I wonder what this time next year will look like and if it’ll be significantly better or worse for the battles I’m fighting today. My pessimism says worse. My desire to continue earning an income without simmering in frustration every day hopes maybe it’ll better??? I hope but I doubt.
Year 5, Day 93: Dual dental insurance: is it worth it? I’m trying to figure that out but it’s sort of a black hole in that I don’t know how much more it’ll cover, and if that outweighs the premiums. Assuming generally routine dental care, cleanings, exams, x-rays, and fluoride, has anyone found dual insurance policies to be worth it?
Well that’s awkward. I contacted Neighbor Kid’s grandma and politely begged off: it’s so busy for me at work, I’ve put JB in camps all summer. Playdates are really hard right but would NK like to be a penpal? We can manage that without having to juggle multiple schedules. We’ll mail them a treat if they’ll be hanging out at your place.
The response: we have a big backyard and both JB and Smol Acrobat could come play.
Errr, that’s not at all what I offered and I’m not letting my kids go to unsupervised playdates yet. Maybe it’s almost time for JB but there aren’t many people I know well enough to trust them for that. I’m backing away from the conversation because I truly am so swamped and frustrated at work, I’m not mentally or emotionally prepared to do any of this when it’s not what JB wants. If they were going to come around, they would have done by now, and I’d have carved out the space somehow. But since they didn’t, I’m not going to bother making any suggestions.
Anyway, I’m also not pleased with how Target keeps making their ThinkSport sunblock “unavailable” whenever they have promotions that would apply to that sunblock. It’s reef-safe but expensive. Then it mysteriously comes back in stock the day after the promotion ends. Three times now, that can’t be a coincidence. Sunblock IS an FSA-eligible item though, so at least there’s that.
June 24, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 82: Turns out the local blackbirds like goldfish crackers and dog treats, but they do not like cinnamon cookies.
For six days we’ve been experimenting with Smol Acrobat’s sleep arrangements. They wake up yelling no no no! in fear and terror almost every night so PiC started staying with them overnight months ago. It hasn’t stopped. This isn’t night terrors, though, they’re responsive to us. Angry but responsive. When they’re sleeping with both of us: still hollering in terror. When they’re sleeping with just me: minor disturbances, or sleeps quietly. What is this about and also this is not great for me! They like to sleep on my ribs and dig their toes into my ribs now and again. Reminiscent of pregnancy but now with child on the outside! It’s a bit less disruptive than the waking up screaming, but not much since I can never really get to REM sleep with a squirming critter at my side, so… sigh.
It’s been a hectic several days trying to get back on our feet and I have to: schedule our signing with the notary, shop for kid birthday gifts, pay bills, deal with three times more work nonsense than usual, deal with a flood of community donations I wasn’t expecting.
Year 5, Day 83: We’re not experiencing the same heat that the East Coast and Midwest are, but it’s hot enough that my fingers are swelling up like sausage while I’m working. It used to happen a lot more often, not really a FOND memory I have.
This, plus a big changeover in our software at work, means I’m working at about 50% efficiency and I hate this so much. I FEEL slow.
I was so proud of myself for going out for a long brisk walk today, my first since Sera died, until I stopped. Then, OMG, the heat set in. I forgot how much harder it is to cool down after getting my heart rate up when it’s warmer than “nice” outside.
Year 5, Day 84: I’ve been watching a baby hummingbird perch atop its nest and it is like one of those living statues you see in the cities. It finds a position and just stays there. No changes, even with a stiff wind blowing, not even pointing its tiny little beak in a different direction or anything. It’s weird and fascinating.
Water definitely has a taste, but I didn’t realize how picky I’d become. Visiting family, I tried to force myself to drink their filtered water but it was just so disgusting I started avoiding drinking water entirely. This makes me feel like such a brat.
Body acne in your 40s is such crap! Also ingrown hairs is crap at any age. Mostly I don’t seem to grow much leg hair anymore but every so often a large swatch of my legs itch unbearably and after I scratch it a little, large bumps rise up and sting like the dickens. Looks like ingrown hairs trying to get out but why randomly and all at once? Anyway, I declare this nonsense.
Year 5, Day 85: I think about the heart of this line from Madam Secretary every time I think about the Republicans and their agendas to strip rights from everyone right, left, and center. I don’t understand why much of the Democratic party is so ready to concede defeat at the first sign of resistance, and why they give up concessions so fast. They need a spine, it’s so frustrating: “If you want to do good, you’ve got to be prepared to do bad. Okay? To be canny and watchful and mean, so when the bad guys come, you know just where to stick the knife. ’cause it is a fight to the death and that is the only language they understand.”
Like this thing with the Ten Commandments in school in Louisiana – they know it’s unconstitutional and that we’re going to have to fight them in court. I think that’s the point. They win either way. If we don’t waste that money fighting it, they’re going to run roughshod all over us. If we do spend the money fighting it, that’s money we can’t spend elsewhere on needs, and they can bleed us dry. It’s so frustrating.
Year 5, Day 86: Smol Acrobat has been yelling I NEED A SNACK a lot lately, even shortly after a meal and I finally figured it out today. “Are you asking for a snack because you feel sad?”
Yes.
“Oh! Well when we’re feeling sad, we don’t have to eat a snack, we could hug or cuddle a soft friend. How about that?”
Thankfully they were amenable to the redirects. It’s been a rough few weeks with their tantrums, lots of screaming “I need a hug” followed immediately by “do not wook at me! I don’t NEED you!” lasting 15-30 minutes at a time. I don’t know if it’s just a phase or if we’re doing something particularly wrong, often it feels like the steam must have been accumulating unbeknown to us and then the avalanche is set off by some minor disappointment.
June 18, 2024
I started this at the end of 2022! Added 2024 notes.
I’m tinkering a little with our 2023 spending/saving/investing budget. Most of it worked well this year so it’ll just be small tweaks.
Investing
In the first two quarters will be focused on maxing out PiC’s 401k. We usually opt to make high contributions in the year from his paycheck and add any bonus he might receive. This reduces our take home pay significantly. We experience shortfalls almost immediately on the same spending/savings plan that we used the month before so I have to nearly cut the auto-investing from cash flow until the 401(k) is done. Goal: max out a 401k and hit my arbitrary personal contributions goal for the brokerage. The arbitrary goal may be whatever I set for 2022. Or not. I’ll pick a number in March.
2024: We maxed out PiC’s 401k in the first quarter as usual. Then, a week ago, I got some information from a friend that I had never even dreamed of. I always assumed the company match was based on how much you contributed, period. Friend pointed out that some companies only match what you put in per paycheck so if you’re doing what we’ve done, making larger contributions at the start of the year, we’re possibly losing matching funds. I’m still trying to get the information from not helpful HR reps and to wrap my head around this for 2025.
Cash savings
Split between saving to spend (on property taxes) and saving to invest in our brokerage. In the first months of the year, cash savings will be dramatically reduced. I used to fight this tooth and nail because it felt like a failure but that was too self blaming. We can’t save and invest at the same rate for every account all the time. We make decent money, but not THAT good. Once the 401k is maxed out, the cash savings rate can inch back up. This felt like a duh but I needed someone to point it out so I still have my money issues.
2024: I don’t know how this feast and famine effect evened out by this year. I’d tinkered a lot with our savings auto-deposits and maybe found the right average amount to achieve that. Seems like I should know how I got here but … 🤷🏻♀️
Big spending:
We have both regular and irregular big ticket items to plan for. In no particular order: travel (including dogsitting which is $$$$) – annual, my life insurance policy – annual, a UPS for the router – one time, a power station for the house – one time. Maybe a car if one can be had for anything like a reasonable price.
2024: we still haven’t bought the UPS but the power station for the house was set up to take the place of that UPS. We plugged the router into the Yeti and it’s plugged into the wall so our service isn’t knocked out by a short power outage. I wouldn’t call the car purchase a reasonable price but I also know now that nothing was ever going for anything like my idea of a reasonable price. 2020 and 2022 me were blissfully ignorant of what a racket the car buying experience would become.
Monthly: Daycare and mortgage and property tax.
2024: same same and same.
Giving
We don’t budget specifically for giving because we just give every month. I treat it like our other monthly spending. As long as I don’t go over the aggregate monthly spending limit, then we can give / spend. I switch between just outright giving out of cash flow or opting to not buy some things for myself to reallocate those funds to worthy causes. The latter is a fine trade because mutual aid is important.
2024: also same. Though with Sera’s ill health, I have had to be less generous to others. We’re spending thousands each month for her. It’s painful in an abstract sort of way.
Giving my time
In this situation, my time is more valuable than my money. If I spend my time fundraising for the Lakota families effectively, we can collectively pull together a larger pool of money and then I can get that aid directly into the hands of families who need it. I’m still considering how we might do this in 2023 without the boosting effect of Twitter.
2024: still true. I’m lucky that there are still core supporters who remember the project and help now and again.
June 17, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 75: Triple Monday! Half my work day was spent sitting and waiting for tech support to figure out their problems.
Half my emotional reserves were used up comforting JB because their visiting uncle had to go back home and they were very very sad about it. We were very lucky to have him over for the weekend, it’s such a gift to have the company of someone who’s so easy to get on with and who the kids adore so thoroughly.
I don’t feel as drained as I expected to with a social thing we had to do for PiC’s work as well as the family visit on the weekend and I’m pretty sure that’s because the visit was a “filling the bucket” sort of visit. I’m grateful.
Year 5, Day 76: Oh boy. I don’t feel great, I’ve been taking my antivirals since last week and still don’t feel great. Of course it could be the combination of an unexpectedly warm day and only sleeping 1 out of the past 7 nights, I told myself, but then JB’s headache wouldn’t go away by the mid afternoon and then they clocked 101 temperature. PiC, on coming home from work, said he didn’t feel so good and Smol Acrobat was a roaring furnace in human skin again. None of this is good!
We just navigated a very confusing few days where Smol Acrobat tested medium positive once but negative on all subsequent tests last week. I would appreciate getting off this fever merry go round.
On another note, we had a lovely five minute visit with the bright neighbor’s dog and I scattered more seeds in the flower patch evening and watered it a little more. My diligence has been rewarded with a handful of new seedlings today. Yay!
Year 5, Day 77: FINALLY four of my therapy FSA claims have been approved. It’s truly like pulling teeth with these people. Zero communications for weeks and months and then when they do get in contact, it’s all useless. It sure does feel like a tactic to try to get us to give up. Or maybe they’re using “AI” (NOT intelligence!) to process the claims and that’s why they’re all rejected six or more times.
Only one of three green bean #2 had come up a few days ago. I went out to check them in the morning, wanted to confirm the watering system was working intended, and it was still a loner. I went out for a few minutes in the evening to “visit” the plants and lo! A seedling fully one inch tall had emerged! This is still nowhere as satisfying as a bond with a dog but it brings its own quiet satisfaction. Now, I whisper to them, turn into bushes and grow beans to harvest. That would be exciting.
Year 5, Day 78: I felt better more than not today but the weird temperature disregulation is still bonkers. I woke up several times because I was sweating profusely, but also chilled? Makes no sense!
I have an off and on again sore throat but that does tend to happen when I’m stressed and overtired. Go, antivirals, go!
Year 5, Day 79: Whoops, forgot to save this day’s entry!
Things were super hectic, on top of trying valiantly to recover from the Persistent Bug that’s been plaguing the four of us, and what sounds like the entire daycare.
We’ve got Commitments this weekend and we attended masked since not attending wasn’t an option. Smol Acrobat has been insisting on bunking with me this week, an unwelcome development because I’m the one who struggles to get back to sleep when disrupted, but weirdly when it’s just the two of us, their screaming fits are reduced to grumbles. Also an unwelcome development! I don’t want to be held hostage to their sleeping well! I hope we can figure this out because it’s getting old.
June 10, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 68: I woke up to a very swollen hook finger (swollen so much it can neither bend nor be straightened out. Hook!) and that set the tone of the day. Smol Acrobat was very clingy all through breakfast. I couldn’t shake the looming doomsies feeling from the moment I sat down to work, I also couldn’t quite focus without being hyper aware that I’d overdone it over the weekend and that should have provided dopamine for days, instead my brain is quietly chanting new dopamine new dopamine in the background like whispering Minions. Waiting for a lot of things to ship/arrive: snacks for my Lakota sponsee, the hose accoutrements so the drip watering system can work properly, an answer about my new seeds order.
I keep hoping something going right will fix the mindset or settle down the unpleasant unsettled restless feelings but that’s not happening.
Instead I got the opposite of a fix: a meeting ran way too long and then my team ran into tech problems that ate the rest of my afternoon like a hydra chomping on a nice snack. What a Monday. I received too much Monday, I need to return some. Where do I send it?
Year 5, Day 69: I miss my girl. I just realized again today that I can yell at my computer in frustration without upsetting any canine sensibilities. On the one hand, great, I’m yelling, but on the other, of course I wish I couldn’t. The grief has dulled, it’s a bearable sadness.
Whenever the turmoil at work gets to be too much and a friend says “you’re great you can get another job if they suck”, I feel the opposite of reassured. I know what they mean but also (I sound whiny even to me here, sorry, I know) I don’t wanna. Where else can I be a total gremlin? Avoiding talking to people 99.9% of the time is a huge factor in my quality of life. While the job is definitely imperfect, it caters to the highly antisocial part of me. I can exist in almost sheer isolation, while still managing a large team, which has preserved a good deal of my energy for the important things all these years. That’s the part that’s so hard to replace. Any other high level management job is going to require peopling to an unbearable degree.
Changing jobs may be unavoidable but … Cross your fingers that it’s not?
Year 5, Day 70: My hook finger is a hook no more! Yay!
We can never use up a whole container of sour cream or even remember we have it. The waste makes me sour. How do you remember things that accidentally get pushed to the back of the fridge or are only a sometimes food?
PiC brought home a chocolate chip and a raisin bagel, the tasty and the terrible respectively, leftovers from some work meeting. Raisins are for other people (like everyone else in my household).
We’re on the last steps of THIS chore!: The will and trusts have been updated to include Smol Acrobat, change our executor(s), disinherit my biodad and biobrother from claims on the estate or guardianship of the kids (in the hopefully unlikely event that our chosen guardian won’t be available, the court will generally go first to bio relations and I don’t want them to be in the mix AT ALL), and name backup beneficiaries. We need to sign the documents with a remote notary, and we need to find a friend to witness that signing. Once that’s done, I’ll make copies available to our executors and our chosen guardian so if they’re actually needed in the worst case scenario, all responsible people have the required documentation in hand already. I’ve seen some horror stories about people having had wills made but locked them in some drawer where they couldn’t be found, thereby rendering them useless and the estate went to someone it was not intended to go to.
I’m beyond overwhelmed right now. In the next two weeks, at home, we have scheduled: a (much anticipated) family visit, a wedding, 2 more family visits, a funeral (not someone I knew but family knew). At work, everything is a complete mess, and tons of vacations requiring coverage coming up, and tons of recruiting I have to somehow do at the same time, and KPIs to meet. My ears and shoulders have become one.
Year 5, Day 71: Work: terrible. Spreadsheets to document the terrible have been enabled so we can try to attempt to fix ALL the terrible and also because there is SO MUCH terrible that I can’t keep track of it all.
Also terrible, I’m still waging bureaucratic war with UHC that is holding more than $1000 hostage. They keep rejecting my therapy claims with “PLEASE PROVIDE DESCRIPTION OF SERVICES PROVIDED SO WE MAY PROCESS YOUR CLAIM REQUEST”.
I DID! SIX TIMES! On every claim! There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to the ones that they accept and the ones they reject. For some claims, it looks like they have actually sent more rejections than I have submitted claims. United Healthcare is the worst.
Also also, Smol Acrobat spiked a fever and tested positive for COVID AGAIN today. Then negative six hours later. I’m thoroughly confused. PiC and I are negative… I’m not feeling great but that’s as much attributable to stress and sleep deprivation as any virus.
But my claw finger is still not a claw (yay!) and the green bean sprouts have put out two large leaves each (yay!) and the snap pea and snapdragon seeds have arrived (yay!) so I will plant some tomorrow? This weekend?
PiC is a saint, he ran to Costco late tonight to pick up supplies and also get me a new hose for our drip irrigation system that’s awesome except for the wickedly leaky old hose that we haven’t used in about 7 years and no wonder it’s leaky after sitting in the sun and fog all this time.
Year 5, Day 72: Smol Acrobat’s third COVID test is negative. So did they have COVID this round of fever or not? I have no idea and I hate this all so much. Smol Acrobat has also started engaging in prolonged histrionics this week, screaming they want or need a hug at the top of their lungs but refusing all overtures. These fits last anywhere from 15 minutes to a record 75 minutes, set off by the most innocuous things. It’s exhausting. I can’t tell if this is a post-COVID or a terrible-threes or both thing but I’m very much ready for the fits to stop.
I was going to push myself to help clear out the work logs for my team who are swamped because of the Terrible, but then remembered that I handle an entire section of work alone on top of active management work . They each have 2-6 people backing them up, and I have no one. So it’s probably ok that I don’t ALSO over extend myself to help them (which necessarily means neglecting my whole host of responsibilities).