Year 5, Day 61: Despite wearing sunblock and a hat, I managed to get sunburned this weekend. It’s really unusual for us to get enough sun for that to be a problem! Truth: We didn’t.
We went a little outside of our usual radius to spend time with friends and that little microclimate had Roasty Toasty temps. My face feels crispy. But I got to pet two large fluffy dogs at length over the weekend which is exactly what the doctor ordered so it was totally worth it. (Remind me I said that if I’m peeling like a lizard next week.)
School is nearly out and we waited too long to book some camps for JB. Our schedule is a bit spotty in places and we were trying to coordinate with their friends for some camps so ended up leaving it long enough that we missed out on some spots.
It’s ok, I don’t think they need to be booked every day of every week. They can handle a few days that are just unbooked and boring – they can sleep in, clean, read, do art, etc. Maybe I will also make myself take them on walks those days. Probably be good for both of us.
Year 5, Day 62: Holiday weekends are nice but the short workweeks after a long weekend are BRUTAL. Someday this will not be the case! (I am trying to have faith. In what, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to have hope.) It’s also a wallop upside the head to try to get focused when you’re starting with a double Monday workload on the wrong day. It’s like trying to start a race with your weight on the wrong foot. I don’t get the Sunday Scaries but I sure do have the short workweek wobbles. Ugh. Anyway I’ve learned to plug those time chunks when I first sit down and need to corral my brain by doing a chore that I have to do anyway first. By the time I’m done with that bit of administrative nonsense, my brain has had time to remember what we’re here to do and can get to work again.
Having the strangest feeling: Do I know this song? Sort of? But I have no memory of hearing it in the past.
Year 5, Day 63: Did my 15 minutes of “KB Spangler” weeding this morning, with a begrudging heart. Someone ought to have warned us how much time in adult life would be spent waging a hopeless battle against the weeds. Also, I find it deeply unfair that the shallow rooted weeds are out in the open, easy to grab and easy to uproot but the deeply rooted weeds are wedged into the sidewalk and driveway cracks so I skin my fingers trying to get enough of a grip on them to dig them out. Humph.
Usually my pain pays me the courtesy of waiting until I lay down at night to spike into “curl up an cry” territory but mid-morning my back pain spiked. Like a genius, I pulled out the Hyperice to massage the muscles into submission. Usually I forget about it! Buuuuuut that backfired terribly. I had to pop some OTC painkillers and crank the heating pad to try and get it to back off. Nothing like getting mugged by your pain midday.
Then in the height of my pain, I had to conduct an interview. That was a miserable 10 minutes of anticipation. But the conversation went well enough that my pain faded to the background. I liked them. That doesn’t often happen!
Year 5, Day 64: I had to crank through mountains of work today: training people and processing documentation and planning for summer coverage and recruiting and OH GAH. So much. I hadn’t complained yet but PIC
Smol Acrobat didn’t nap again today and they are always a hysterical (both kinds) mess by the time we get to the bath and bed portion of the night. They cackled the whole way to the toothbrushing station, hissy-fitted between that and the toilet, then cackled all the way to the shower. It was emotional whiplash even though I was prepared for it. They rallied after the bath to run at me HARD and slam into me (JB style, honestly). When I objected “why did you push me?” they replied in a hurt voice, “I was trying to play a game!”
“OH! I didn’t know that! Ok, now that I know, let’s try that again.”
And then they gleefully rammed me again. All was well.
Year 5, Day 65: Just like that, JB is done with third grade! It wasn’t the easiest of years, when is it ever?, but they are sad that it’s over.
We went back to the school once everyone was gone and cleaned out their lost and found for them. This saves them the trouble of doing that laundry and donating it themselves, we get free clothes in generally good to great conditions (KIDS) to pack and ship to the Pine Ridge reservation. I can ship like 75 sweaters and jackets for $30! Wins all around except for my arms which are going to fall off!
Then I had to get to work 😱
I continue to wage war with United Healthcare which keeps denying my FSA claims for perfectly legitimate expenses. They tell me to “describe the service so we may evaluate your claim”. I DID. ARGH. But I will persevere!
I’m also on the hunt for native flowers for our front yard. I don’t typically want flowers but I’m indulging a weird kick right now and it also occurs to me that getting seeds of flowers I LIKE would be a step towards fighting against the weeds that keep taking over. I’m thinking snapdragons to go with my poppies?
TIL clumping bamboo exists and isn’t the terrible invasive type.
Year 5, Day 54: A friend brought their puppy for me to play with and I had brain therapy on Saturday; we happened to linger by the dog park just long enough on Sunday to meet three very sweet dogs (one of which shoved her nose right into my face for the sweetest nuzzle and then placed herself firmly into a “Hug Me Now” position which I oh-so-gladly did); and this morning our local off leash dog greeted me with her usual intense I DO TRICKS YOU GIVE TREAT IS DEAL!
That was enough canine love that, despite my extreme fatigue, I’m not hugging rock bottom. I’ll take it for however long it lasts.
The kids have had a hacking cough intermittently for a few days and I tested them for COVID this morning. We got a very faint positive on both test kits from iHealth for both kids, but Smol Acrobat’s second test on AccessBio was firmly negative. If you hadn’t heard, Cue Health’s test kits are decertified. We scheduled PCR tests to try to get more definite answers.
I’m never happy (Zuko) #ATLA
Year 5, Day 55: It’s stunning how cavalierly the CDC’s managing COVID these days. I knew this at a superficial level but it hit home this week.
Our pediatrician advised us that, per the CDC, they’re treating symptoms only and treating it like a cold. IT’S NOT A COLD. Colds don’t affect you long term the way COVID does! This is depressing.
Our family has been doing our damnedest avoiding it since 2020 between masking, vaccines, and minimizing social interactions early on. Smol Acrobat is, somewhat predictably but still infuriatingly, the first of us to catch COVID. They were nearly asymptomatic (aside from full days of temper tantrums, is that a symptom?). They just had a cough that sounded just like every other cough they have had the past several months. Actually three of us had a similar cough but JB and I tested negative. I can’t tell if it’s because they have more frequent and prolonged exposure at daycare, probably(?) since the rest of us mask wherever we go. Breaking our streak was really upsetting. I had so hoped to dodge infection-level exposure until Smol Acrobat was old enough to mask properly. They’re good about masking when they’re with us, but the daycare isn’t able to help them mask.
Their pediatrician agreed that the appearance on the PCR and negative rapid tests, along with the physical exam, strongly pointed to the COVID having already run its course and that they’re no longer infectious. In one way, that’s a relief, I really needed childcare this week. In another, I’m still worried about any long term effects that aren’t obvious now and hate that they were running around the classroom, infectious, for who knows how long.
Year 5, Day 56: My crow (maybe? almost?) friend dropped in, literally, and cawed at me this morning. This is why I still have to carry my treat bag on all walks, who wants to be the disappointing human who doesn’t have treats on demand? After I left the offerings and walked away, they hopped over to pick them up. I meant to leave a third one but too many people were walking and driving by, so they hopped away looking casual. Next time.
The potatos in the garden are flourishing. I was inspired by Ilona Andrews’ potatoes in an old blog post, you might recall, and wanted the same. I now have the same! There are so many potato plants. Yay! My green beans and cucumbers took ages to germinate but are now shooting up nicely. Half the lettuce seeds germinated and haven’t done anything else, just frozen in time. That’s less satisfying. I know we’re still a very long way off from knowing if we’ll have anything to harvest but it’s nice to see something happening. We’ll have to travel sometime this summer, I’ve been wondering what we could easily set up for watering things while we’re out and about. They don’t need much but they do need a bit of water every day. Too bad we don’t have reliable neighbors who wouldn’t mind dropping by for a quick water now and again. I’m eyeballing hoses and things at Home Depot but I don’t know what I’m doing!
Solo parenting starts this afternoon: the kids are on notice they need to help me out with best behavior, we’re down one herder.
Year 5, Day 57: Solo parenting again, PiC’s still at a work thing. The morning was a bit of a bumpy ride but everyone got dropped off nearly on time with no tears or yelling so calling that a win.
Then I accidentally used up all my willpower stopping myself from eating more than 2 cookies after an early lunch, this is the sound of my brain flopping over and refusing to do anything else.
I’ve made it through to today without the Backpack of Doom feeling. Three days of dog encounters bought 3 days of vastly reduced depression and anxiety. Science!
I haven’t been able to get on top of my work all week. Too much time consuming daily work stuff, recruiting which I hate, and random corporate nonsense to deal with made my brain go CORGI all week in one way or another. I’ve been trying to just do the best I can on the few things I can control.
There’s also a thing happening all week that I needed a friend to untangle for me. Every time someone makes a suggestion, or hints, that I could be worth worrying about or caring about or deserve a rest, I get mad inside. I don’t know why but internally, I immediately PUFFERFISH. Friend suggested “Acknowledging that you are worthy of care makes you feel intensely vulnerable and your body turns to anger to shut down those feelings and keep you “safe”” which strongly matches my reactions.
I don’t know why it feels so vulnerable but it does. I don’t know why being mad and pushing away that care and vulnerability is the default response but it is.
Year 5, Day 58: Am I ever going to clear my (work) inbox? Signs point to no.
I needed to replace the sandals I ruined around Christmas, so I procrastinated almost 6 months and then ordered 3 pairs. ADHD or personal problem? Hard to tell. (Friend gesticulates wildly at the ADHD/executive function dysfunction sign.) It really was only meant to be one pair. But it was $54 for one pair or $60 for two. It felt silly not to get two pairs for $60 because if they’re really comfortable (like they appear to be?) a backup will come in handy. Then I had to replace JB’s broken sandals. I had a 30% off and free shipping code from T-Mobile for Crocs which stacked with a sale, and remembering how my last sandals were ruined (the beach) decided it would be good to have sandals the beach couldn’t ruin so easily. Three pairs of sandals for the kids and myself: $50. Not too terrible.
My hacking cough is pretty bad today. Thankfully it didn’t crop up until after my interview call but I still have other calls. Booo.
Smol Acrobat’s pediatrician is leaving the practice due to life stuff, and we’re hoping that he will return when those things wrap up. To that end, I wrote him a note thanking him for caring for Smol Acrobat because he clearly won over the kiddo in their few visits. They frequently ask if they can call or go see their doctor, I thought that might be nice for the doc to know even if he doesn’t come back.
I’ve hit the point of work overwhelm where it feels impossible and hopeless which is an odd kind of peace. There’s more anxiety when I have hope that I might wrap things up in a reasonable time frame.
“Let me tell you something about my brother, Divya. He has no vision. At all. He’s vision-impaired. My brother would not know a gold mine if he tripped over a prospector and fell into a gold mine.” #RoyalPains (This is me. I have zero vision. I’m a doer, not a vision person.)
Year 5, Day 47: My sadness meter is roughly around about 100% today. All the layers of grief are making a tiramisu of sadness.
Lots of things I wish I could tell my recently deceased friend.
Way deep down, I keep wishing my mom had been the surviving parent while also wrestling with the knowledge that even if she had, that would have been even more painful because she was really sick and I couldn’t have handled her care plus having kids. It’s not fair that the grifter parent is the one in perfect health. I think there’s a correlation between people with great health and terrible other things (like the people who always dismiss COVID as a bad cold because that was their experience).
Week three of working without my buddy hit me really hard. Or rather didn’t wear off from the wave of sadness that hit me hard on the weekend. If anything, it’s intensified with the start of the new week. I wanted to go on a family walk / hike with my dog for Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t. We had to get out of the house before the thought “my dog can’t go on a walk, she’s in a box now” crumbled me entirely.
We went to explore a bit in the city and it was less fun than I had hoped for. Honestly, I was a little bit hoping for some temporary retail therapy because even if I was still sad, at least I’d have stationery. But nothing appealed enough which is probably a good sign in and of itself that my sadness is too deep right now. We had several run-ins with brightly colored arcade-like claw machine set-ups that had Smol Acrobat moaning dramatically “I want to p’ay a gaaammmeeee” on repeat. That bit was not great but we cajoled them out of it long enough to get out of there and pick up a sack of banh mi for lunch which was well received by everyone.
“Or maybe he ran off so fast because he knew three pissed off soldiers and a kaiju were coming for him.” (Neagley) #Reacher
Year 5, Day 48: Semi-jokingly asked myself this morning: have you tried just not having depression and anxiety? How about we try today?
Can’t say it worked. Can’t say it didn’t work either? It didn’t dispel the depression and anxiety but the awareness that my physical feelings, this puddle of sad and skittishness, is caused by depression and anxiety rather than a personal failing helped me stick to feeling just that instead of punishing myself for being way below 100%. This puddle still stinks but it could be worse.
“I need a dog to be happy” and “I need fewer responsibilities right now” are both true facts and it’s feeling impossible to balance them at the moment so depression is kicking my butt.
I should text the neighbors and borrow their puppy for a bit. I just can’t face another conversation that Sera’s gone yet. Working my way up to it.
This day looked to be a day fully steeped in the tea of depression but then a friend mentioned Huskies singing and reddit and I had to go find this for myself. This is terrible and wonderful and I can’t stop laughing at it. So that was a nice break.
Year 5, Day 49: Speaking of my inherent trend to frumpiness, it took 13 tries to find 3 dresses that felt like they fit my present body and doesn’t require the dislocation of any single body part to put on, pull off, or zip up. I might have to try to sell off most of my pre-second-pregnancy dresses. That’s disappointing, I liked those dresses. At least now I have enough to get me through a few events that require me to be more dressy than the jeans, tee-shirt and hoodie uniform.
I’ve been putting sprouting potatoes into the containers as normal but some months ago decided to actually pay attention and water them a little every day.
“When you’re invisible, you can have all the amusement you want, without any of the expectations popularity brings.” (Penelope) #Bridgerton
Year 5, Day 50: Today’s theme: doom and dread. All day long all I could feel was this unsettling feeling of something terrible looming over me, metaphorically. Or metaphysically? Maybe both?
By late into the night, I felt it as a sense of worthlessness and terrible motherhood. Everywhere I turned was “proof”: JB’s memories book bulging with pictures and written memories, compared to Smol Acrobat’s slim volume. Even still, that giant memory book missed entire years of documentation because COVID and inability to be three people. I hate this feeling. I tried to walk it off, I tried to go get some sun in the garden and talk to the plants. It only budged very momentarily when that cute puppy rammed my leg for attention.
I put on Reacher this week since Alan Ritchson seems like a decent enough person between sharing his experience with mental health issues and pissing off the MAGA folks who expected him to be as horrific as they are in a recent interview: “Trump is a rapist and a con man, and yet the entire Christian church seems to be treat him like he’s their poster child and it’s unreal. I don’t understand it.” His mother remains staunchly Catholic, but he quickly swats away any associations. “It’s worth saying that the atrocities that are happening in the church that are being actively covered up, even to this day with people not being held accountable, is repulsive,” he says, as the tenor of his voice changes. “I can’t for one second support the Catholic Church while there are still cardinals, bishops and priests being passed around with known pedophilic tendencies.”
I always want to support the folks who speak the truth about this stuff. Also, I like Neagley.
I’ve been hanged, swung over a fire, and nearly shish kebabed on razor sharp spikes. How do you mortals get from day to day, y’know?? (Aries) #Xena
Year 5, Day 51: I can’t think of a routine health appointment I hate as much as eye exams. Give me a dental cleaning any day. I’m always left feeling somewhat hung over and nauseated after the dizzying array of slides and bright lights flashed in front of my eyes. Even worse, the dilation lasted more than 3 hours, and so did the accompanying headache.
I forced myself to take it easy for at least an hour, and eat lunch so I wouldn’t feel like I was completely wasting that time, and then finally got back to work later in the afternoon than I wanted to. Lucky we cancelled the dinner for our friends that we were planning to host, this would have been extra stressful. Maybe next time I have to have an eye exam I can also take the rest of the day off.
Do you know what is romantic? Security. #Bridgerton
Year 5, Day 40: Infuriating. This is the second time I’ve filed a Dependent Care claim for FSA redemption on our daycare expenses and, once again, their website has pulled an “What are you talking about no claim was filed”. It’s disappeared entirely from their site. WTF United Healthcare?? They were reliably reimbursing us last year but they changed their site two months ago and now nothing works. Actually, from January, they were automatically denying claims first with incorrect codes (claiming we were out of the grace period, for all new 2024 expenses 😒) before backtracking and approving them. None of my claims for which I have saved confirmations since mid-March are appearing on the site at all. It’s ridiculous.
I’m still symptomatic from the virus that Smol Acrobat gifted me last week. After pushing too hard on Friday and feeling worse than ever, I forced myself to rest as much as possible on the weekend. I did NOT hill my potatoes. I did NOT pull weeds. I did NOT hack at the encroaching branches from the neighbors’ yards. Today, I chastised myself to do the bare minimum until I’ve shaken the hacking cough and all: no appointments, no running errands (I have 3), no doing the laundry, no extra anything until I can actually recover. It’s been 8 days, I’m thoroughly tired of this. And Smol Acrobat keeps asking me every 3 hours: are you fewwing better? And I have to keep saying no, not yet.
It should not be so hard to just not do things!
I did hill SOME potatoes today, just the one batch that was tall enough, and of course that wore me out. But I needed the satisfaction, along with accosting cute neighborhood dogs to pet them. We met a delightfully regal retriever today who was doing her best imitation of a statue as she enjoyed our pets. I asked her dogwalker to come by this way more often.
Year 5, Day 41: I found our neighborhood off-leash dog! We were excited to see each other. She did tricks for me in exchange for treats and then hunted down a tiny stick for me to throw for her several times. That was good for my heart. No dog will ever replace Sera, Seamus, or Doggle, but petting a dog is vastly superior to NOT petting a dog, any day of the week.
Checked on the plants, gave them a light watering, whispered “germinate germinate germinate” to the seeds.
I still have a racking hacking cough but I feel less horrible today, even though I wasn’t able to sleep until well into the wee hours. I could walk up a hill almost without stopping, almost without stopping for a long cough.
Got our CPA to find the check that I sent her weeks ago. She thought it’d never arrived and just didn’t say anything. All this time, I was waiting for her to cash it already so I can balance our cashflow. Glad I followed up and got her to look at her mail.
Year 5, Day 42: Everything’s coming up Milhouse this morning (in a limited fashion). Physically felt much less terrible today. I’m still pretty sick but the least sick I’ve felt for several days. I got to pet a neighbor’s fluffy dog. I had to drop off Smol Acrobat instead of JB and they were pretty cooperative. Traffic was ok going and returning, there was no line at Costco gas, there was easy parking at the notoriously awful parking lot by the place I had to return to (again) for fingerprinting, picking up my packages was super easy. No awful drivers on the road this morning. That was all a welcome respite from the stuff and nonsense waiting for me at my work desk.
For the first time in a long time, in thinking about this post where Nicole and Maggie’s touching on a topic that’s on my mind a lot (Do I really have it together? Have I been hiding things?) I felt not terrible about things. Also, I’m realizing I don’t have any idea what I mean by “together” anyway! Best I can say is I’ve kept most things on the conveyor belt moving most of the time, much like those moments in the chocolate factory about 14 seconds before it all goes horribly wrong in that I Love Lucy episode. Does anyone remember that? But feeling impending catastrophe is not the same thing as actual catastrophe. I’ve always tried to do the best I could, for highly variable values of “best”.
There are many things I wish I could do but can’t right now (in this very moment or this year or further out): supporting a grieving acquaintance, making plans with friends we want to see and haven’t in too long, horseback riding. I don’t have riding time (or money or energy) right now but it doesn’t sting to realize that as much as it once did. I can look at all those wants now as a “later / maybe in a few years” thing rather than an acute failure for not doing it now. Maybe it’s because I’ve made myself rest more during this grieving and illness period, my body and mind are finally getting a moment to heal a little bit. It’s not nearly enough rest but, for the first time in a while, I’m not using this time to kick myself when I’m already down. Therapy!
Though in this same vein, the place where JB does self defense keeps running special event! after special event! Social get togethers, competitions, seminars OH MY. I’m getting exasperated. They get 90 minutes of my time (or PiC’s) up to three times a week, who has time for all this extra stuff? If and when I add more stuff, it’s gotta be something that brings me some joy.
“So you think because the system always works for you, the system always works?” #LeverageRedemption
Year 5, Day 43: Warm day ahead and the birds know it. They’re singing their little hearts out this morning. I’m so grateful for my friend who sends many dog pictures and videos daily. It’s not the same as my Sera 🐶 (or Seamus, or Doggle), but it staves off the worst of the dog-loneliness.
We’ve got an unusually jam packed day: PiC’s appointment, JB’s self-defense class, open house. Our friend who doesn’t drive has an appointment late tonight and we’re both frustrated we can’t save them a bus ride by chauffeuring because we’re already over-committed.
Frustration at work keeps increasing. There’s a ton of pressure to fix problems caused by people acting in bad faith, produce more than we can produce, while taking a hit from a hiring misstep. But we still have to try to do the best we can do, even though we now know that it’s impossible to hit our primary KPI, and of course I’m responsible for making it happen. Thus, this headline from a Fortune article resonates: Workers are eyeing the exit in 2024 as LinkedIn and Microsoft study warns more people want to quit their jobs now than during the Great Resignation. For the most part, my job has had the key elements needed to support a comfortable life. Not enough balance but we were getting there. Things changed dramatically this year. It’s too early to say whether it was for the better or worse because a lot of change is still to come, but the changes that have already happened stink. We’re inundated with lousy new colleagues who just barely do their jobs a month and change after deadlines and I’m feeling absolutely stabby. ⚔️ Even while we’re grateful that PiC is still employed, I’m taking many deep breaths. I have to give this some time, not least because we aren’t ready to lose my income either. We can do this.
Third try finally worked! My set of fingerprints are finally approved for volunteering at the school. I don’t want to volunteer for most things that involve herding children and talking to people. I do want to volunteer to help out in the library sometimes. Once in a while. That’s for next year though.
Summer camps are booking up fast, and I’ve booked four weeks of camp with 3-4 more weeks to figure out. I volunteered to take 2 bonus kids (JB’s friend and their sibling) for one of the weeks where we could only do half days. I’ll still be working but figured the kids are old enough to entertain themselves enough to get by for 3 hours a day.
I need to just put the brakes on for literally anything else extra, for a while, I think.
“She’s your friend? You have friends?” #Xena
Year 5, Day 44: Smol Acrobat insisted on sleeping on my arm all night so naturally I couldn’t sleep. They sure woke up cheerfully, though. Still a whole lot more coughing and sneezing today than I’d hoped to be doing on Day 12 of this. I appreciated the day hitting the mid-70s one more time, though. These are our handful of summer weather days for the season, probably. The fog’s rolling back in soon enough.
I’m doing my best to resist the urge to eat all the Girl Scout Lemonade cookies. They’ll all taste great until I hit the fourth one and then it’s all regrets. Just two cookies!
Dear old friend and I had a short chat about how terrible things are right now. Every generation has had their horrible terrible thing that dominated the social consciousness, I admitted, we’re no different in that respect. She’s got 40 years on me, she personally remembers many of them. But, she pointed out, what’s different is this time it feels like democracy is about to collapse. We didn’t have that before in the middle crisis or the Vietnam war and protests and so on. She’s right about that. It does feel like fascism is on the brink of taking over completely more days than not.
“You and I will be together for all eternity” #Xena (Is it just me, or do only villain types think having to exist for an eternity as a good thing?)
Year 5, Day 33: My first morning of a work week without Sera. We didn’t start the day with our morning walk. No one’s watching me water the plants or waiting for me to come back inside after watering plants, or pretending she can’t hear me telling her to come back inside because the sun and wind is too nice.
It’s miserably lonely without her. I went through all the usual motions but it all feels hollow. Even the garden doesn’t spark a bit of anything.
I impulse shopped for this pile of seeds a month ago looking forward to planting them with Sera for company, probably trying to hold off the impending with hope for growing things. They took so damn long to ship and be delivered, 3 weeks, that they arrived after she was gone. Now it feels silly and bleak. I got some seeds into the ground anyway but. Well. There was no joy in it. Maybe they’ll grow and surprise me. Maybe by the time they grow, I’ll have healed enough to appreciate them.
JB and I both came down with the virus that had been plaguing Smol Acrobat and PiC a few days ago. This probably could have been avoided by breaking out my antivirals on the weekend but I was so overwhelmed I forgot. Now, we muddle through.
Year 5, Day 34: CA state testing starts today for JB but they woke up extra early (for once 🤦🏻♀️) with a fever so we sent them back to bed. This was our first go at it so we didn’t know what if make up tests are offered. We had to contact the school to confirm we’d keep JB home and they could make it up later.
I popped my painkillers, and set to shoveling out the piles and piles of work that have stacked up for as long as I could before taking to my bed.
As much as I hate Sera’s absence, I can’t deny that having one fewer caretaking schedule let me get a little rest today. Maybe I’ll even get some rest tomorrow. Who knows.
PiC and I were up far too late tracking down pricing for some possible summer plans. I regret that whole thing. It really could have waited until I wasn’t sick.
There are peaceful protests on university campuses across the nations and the inhumane responses of the administration on those campuses, Columbia and UT Austin are the two I saw reporting and videos from, with the NYPD causing far more property damage than anyone else did and Austin police teargassing students, are brutal and a sickening parallel to the genocide in Gaza. The Palestinians just want to live, but they’re all being collectively decimated for the actions of the few in Hamas. These students are peacefully asking their universities to divest their investments in Israel because of the genocide, and the administrations are sending violent out-of-control armed police forces to terrorize them. The media is also resoundingly ignoring how many of those protestors are Jewish themselves because they don’t want this genocide, or the profit off genocide, in their names. The protestors are being branded as antisemitic when many are Jewish. It’s an awful and strategic erasure. This entire everything is utterly infuriating.
Year 5, Day 35: Turns out Smol Acrobat still wasn’t as over this bug as I thought. They woke up at 3 am in extreme emotional distress, right after PiC had just finally fallen asleep so I was up to the plate, that usually happens when they’re still feeling down from a bug. I’m just grateful they hadn’t spiked a high fever again. They calmed down faster than expected only to coherently ask “Can I sleep wif you?” Uhhhh that means zero sleep for me soooo…. how about I sleep here with you…. that worked well enough that I was able to escape by 4 am. I’m really feeling the broken sleep today, I feel more sick today than I did when this first started.
’twas also another day of lining up little medicine cups and pouring a series of medicine shots for the kids. JB’s fever is nearly broken and their energy is at least double mine but they still can’t go back to school until tomorrow. I assigned a series of light chores that they could intersperse with sick time activities like playing games, reading ebooks on Libby, and reading stacks of books from their shelf. Myself, I was assigned a stack of not-so-light work. I did my best.
I got a VERY last minute notification of a memorial service for a former teacher’s spouse. Unfortunately, while I would have thrown on something to be presentable and run out to get there, I just couldn’t. By that point I was already working in bed because sitting up was too tiring. I felt terrible but getting the “viewing is at 10-12” at 11 am was really terribly last minute. I’ve been meaning to check on that former teacher, I know she’s lonely from mutual friends but I’ve been so swamped and now sick. I haven’t had anything left with which to extend an offer of support. Sigh. I hate having limitations. I hate being human (emphasis: derisive).
But I’ve got to survive, first. Here we are.
Year 5, Day 36: Busy morning. School drop off, answered a bunch of questions for work before a work call, then an hour on the phone with the lawyer to walk through our trust changes, rescheduled my eye exam which currently conflicts with a school thing for JB, and then picked up an outfit for them I’d ordered. By the time I got back to my desk and got any amount of work done, school pick up time! Whoof.
I just realized I missed free shipping on Bookshop for Indie Bookstore weekend. Drat. I had intended to buy all the niblings their books for Christmas on that weekend. Now I need to start a running list of books to buy as gifts so I don’t miss another free shipping weekend.
I stayed up really late working to clear the decks because I have an appointment in the morning. Told myself it’d be one hour but I went over and could feel the moment that I went too long. After mostly managing to feel almost-ok all day, all my symptoms came roaring back and then some. Welcome to the congested head cold phase of this virus. Should have pushed off sooner.
One thing checked off my list: huge thanks to Music for warning me off eShakti. I went with Nordstrom since they have reasonable quality and a generous return policy for the ones that don’t fit. I tried on so many and found 3 dresses that fit comfortably enough for this summer’s events. My two Elhoffer dresses are at my sister’s for alterations and in the meantime, my body shape hasn’t felt comfortable in anything lately. It was worrying me that maybe we’d show up at the event and they still wouldn’t fit right after alterations and then what would I wear?? So now I have backups.
Year 5, Day 37: Between dropping off Smol Acrobat and an appointment at JB’s school, I’ve peopled entirely too much for one day, and my immune system went spiralling down the drain. It was all I could do to get through the critical work and drag myself to bed for a rest.
The one bright spot of the week: this is the first day that looking at my plants, white blossoms on the berry bush, loads of potato leaves coming up, made me feel a touch of joy since Sera’s 🐶 passing. The kids helped me get the cucumber seeds into the ground on the weekend, and I tucked the lettuce and bush bean seeds into the soil on my own. 🤞 for a real harvest in about 2 months.
Year 5, Day 26: Last week, I was eagerly anticipating the arrival of my seeds today for planting the front yard and the garden. Not only are they still in Florida today, throwing my planting schedule into a shambles, I’m anticipating a terrible conversation with the internist about Sera’s prognosis. She relapsed over the weekend and was hospitalized for lifesaving care. After going through half a box of tissues and putting a cool washcloth on my eyes, I did some grasping at straws research. None of it did any good. Her prognosis is bad. She’s already on the best possible treatment plan and it’s still failing. The other treatment options aren’t truly options, they’re desperate attempts to prolong life without regard for quality of life. We’re bringing her home for doggy hospice for as long as she still feels good. If she relapses again, when she relapses again, it’ll be her time. It would be deeply unkind to force her to go through this over and over.
It’s a good thing that I did a lot of work on the weekend because I’m fit for nothing today.
But she felt better enough from the overnight care to have a laugh at me.
Trying to shift her for her last walk of the night at 945 pm: Sera. Sera. Sera. (Gently shake her shoulder) Come. Sera come. Sera, come. Seraaaaaaa come. (Start worrying she’s relapsed again the past hour) Sera. Sera. Serraaaaaa? Ok fine, you leave me no choice. Open the wipes packet to get a wipe. (To wipe her down because she IS still a bit grubby from the hospital but I’m not going to make her have a bath now.)
She pops up like a jack in the box.
AH HA YOU WERE JUST IGNORING ME.
We finally went out and instead of going right back in like normal, she took me on a jaunt to sniff the ALL sniffs. She still doesn’t want to eat much of anything but her energy is much better than it’s been in days. I don’t know how long this will last but we’re going to make the most of what time we have left.
Year 5, Day 27: I can feel the depression gloom creeping in. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to talk to most people, I want to be left alone with Sera to just be quiet together. I hand fed her boiled eggs this morning, she was strangely excited about it so I boiled some more for her. Of course she then decided she was done with eggs. I’ll have to think of something else for her dinner. Several cries later, I got some work done, listened to her snore, cuddled with her a bit, and then she took me for the longest walk in the recent history of walks. She was either feeling her oats or taking her farewell tour, or both.
We were both fairly wiped out but there was still the usual stuff to do so I went through our usual routines: “I’m going to pick up JB now, you can stay here and nap”, then “we’re going to run an errand now, we’ll see you when we get back”.
And she was here when we got back and she was coddled some more with hand feeding and head rubs. JB wistfully says, now and again, I wish she could get better.
Me too, kid.
She was hospitalized overnight and part of one day and the house positively echoed with her absence. It’s going to be so much worse when she’s gone.
Year 5, Day 28: Sera woke me before 5 am trying to get out the door because she had the Tummy Troubles and we didn’t get out in time so the first hour and a half of this predawn was spent scrubbing the carpet, the floors, her tail and bum, and washing blankets and towels. That was a lot.
She seemed fine the rest of the morning so I decided it was more important to get some calories into her around lunchtime than to go the full 24 hours of withholding food. This proved to be a Big Mistake. She frantically (for her, this just looks like a tense body and an intense eyeball) got me to take her out at 6 pm and had a real mess before we got across the street. I had to get some warm water and wash her up. She smelled of Mango Tango for about ten minutes before she continued to have Tummy Troubles a few more times. Oh well, good effort.
I camped out on the sofa so I could get to her quickly during the night if she needed to go out urgently again. She did. Every single hour until 5 am. But not for Tummy Troubles, half the time she needed to pee, half the time she was asking for water. I’m grateful I didn’t have to clean up but am ever so tired.
Year 5, Day 29: Just in case, I’m switching her to morning meds only. I gave her the steroids she’s been on for months last night. I’m not sure whether it was the steroids or if it was because I camped out and she was thrown off by the light and relocation. Thankfully no tummy troubles since 7 pm but I am whipped and it’s only 7 am. Another 12 hours of water-only and tiny amounts of rice to be safe.
I’ve cycled through all the stages of grief in the past few days and I’m sure when the clock really starts ticking I’ll be cycling through them again a few more times. But for this moment I’m finally in a brainspace of trying to just be in the moment with her, whatever that moment contains.
I’m mentally (and photographically and sometimes here) recording her maybe-lasts. Tonight, she came to Smol Acrobat’s room and laid down nearby when they started to tantrum, following Seamus’s tradition of going TOWARDS the alarming and loud screaming. They never interfered with the yelling, they would just be nearby radiating support. She followed me out of the office yesterday afternoon to see where I was going, like she used to do all the time. I’m trying to commit these all to memory. Smol Acrobat cuddled her face gently tonight. It breaks my heart that they’re not really going to remember her. They’re still too young to remember this year on their own, outside of pictures and stories. I hope we have a good night tonight, maybe a good day will follow that.
Life is still inexplicably going on around us. We’re scheduling the final review of the will and trust. I marked up my first round of edits and sent those back already. This week I marked up a second round of clarification questions to be sure I know how some of these details work when we brief our new executors/trustees for our meeting. Then it has to be notarized to be official. That’ll be one giant important thing off my list. Then we need to make sure all the relevant people have a copy of the paperwork and understand our wishes and our thinking.
My seeds are still in transit. I’ve been itching to plant them and have something good to look forward to, to do something that’s positive and not sad.
Year 5, Day 30: Starting at midnight, she kept coming to fetch me to go outside every hour, then half hour, then quarter hour. She threw up everything she’d eaten yesterday evening, and it wasn’t that much to begin with. It tore my heart up trying to support her as she heaved.
It’s been almost seven years together and she’s only now communicating clearly to me. Each time she comes to get me, I know she wants me to take her out. Maybe it’s less about clarity and more about consistency. Most of the time, prior to her illness, she didn’t need anything, she was just keeping me company. I’m just slow and sluggish on my third night of this, having had no sleep, day or night. She settled on the kitchen bed, instead of coming back to the bedroom like usual. She wanted to stay near the door. We went outside seven times by 330 am and I was absolutely beat. I begged her quietly to sleep for a while. We both needed it. I was dizzy and no longer seeing straight. Miraculously we got three whole hours of sleep before she fetched me again and out the door we went.
I wondered how much longer we could keep this up. She was still interested in food, she was still ambulatory, but she wasn’t going to get better. The disease had progressed too much. And I was getting delirious.
I sat and held her paws for a long while, crying and contemplating what we could do to make her more comfortable. I wondered how we’d make the decision. I wondered how I could let her go. I don’t want to. She’s come so far, we’ve tried so hard.
But by mid afternoon I had my answer. She was crashing again. She had always jumped up for her midday walk. Today, she didn’t even try to get up. She just looked at me. It took such coaxing and encouragement and helping her up to get out the door. Once out, she was fatigued and unsteady. Not nearly as bad as when we took her to the ER but we already knew that we could not let her get that bad again. When we returned, and I offered her baked salmon, she’d only take slivers. Nothing like enough to sustain life.
She sat nearly in my lap as I hugged her and snuggled close to me for a while. That was a first, and last. She’s never, not once, been a lap dog like I’d hoped she would become. Seamus certainly was and he had 30 lbs on her. It’s like she was checking every last box this week except the one where my dogs are on 20 year contracts. But she was telling us it was her time, so we called the vet, got the kids, and brought her to say goodbye. We were with her every minute, telling her how much we loved her. I felt like the world’s worst traitor. She trusted me and I tried but I failed her. And now …
The vet was as kind as could be. She pointed out that Sera’s 🐶 body condition showed it was time and reminded us that we’d done everything we could do. She talked the kids through what was going to happen and gave us time to say our goodbyes.
This has been one of the most painful days of my life, having to make this decision because of a disease, before her time. She deserved more years, more pets, more cuddles, more love, more treats. Everything feels terrible and unfair and awful.
Frankly I don’t remember how to exist with my dog. She’s been a constant companion, day and night, and everything in between. She’s my officemate, snoring and running in her sleep while I gripe at the computer. Sometimes stinking up the joint with her toxic farts. When your heart breaks, you hug your dog. What do you do when your last dog is gone?
(Saved from drafts purgatory: I started writing this last summer and ran out of energy and brain cells.)
A few weeks ago, I guiltily texted a friend to check in and make plans to meet up. I was about 7 months overdue in setting this up, but I’d also spent four of those months trying to stop being sick and the rest of them just getting my mental stability back. I felt terrible that I’d been so unable to set up playdates before.
When I did hear back, it was a doozy. She’d been physically abused by her spouse and he’d been arrested. She was filing for divorce without a lawyer and scared because his family has money and connections while she has no family in the area. I was stunned. Then I offered to help do research to find her pro bono legal aid and other support with the kids. It’s going to be an uphill battle for her. I worry how she’s going to do it alone and if she’s going to be able to keep primary custody of the kids. We’ll do our best to offer support but I’m not sure how much we can do (or what she needs, yet, either).
Relaying all this to PiC later, I thought about how hard it would be to have to suddenly leave your marriage like that, and with kids. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate divorces when they can happen. In far too many cases, they can’t happen. People are stuck in unhappy and/or abusive marriages because they don’t have the resources to leave or don’t even know they’re being abused and think they’re the cause of unhappiness.
I’ve known people who tried to stick it out until they couldn’t take it any longer and left, feeling broken and starting over with nothing. I’ve known people who left with just the clothes on their backs. I’ve known people who negotiated from a position of knowledge and power, leaving the marriage happiness and dignity intact. From good to terrible and everything in between.
It’s not the first time I’ve been on the sidelines helping out a friend through this kind of thing. Every time, I’m reminded how important it is to have your own means of earning income and access to your own money. And it’s hard not to look at our own lives while worrying about how friends are going to get through this. No matter how strong we think we are as a couple, I can’t assume that we’d never change such that we might be happier apart, someday. I don’t think it’s inevitable, I just know that I can’t know what the future holds. Not a comfortable feeling but what feelings are? I’m still not at peace with feeling my feelings.
If we were to split up, we’d always said we’d split everything equally. Even assuming an amicable split, that would still leave each of us in a more challenging position than before. He would have to learn to manage his own money. I would have to learn to maintain my own vehicle.
I probably couldn’t afford to live in this area on just my salary and I’d need to pay for my own healthcare. Rent in this area for a smaller space runs between $3000-4000. After utilities, gas and insurance, groceries, there wouldn’t be much left. I always start with savings but at a certain point in the income vs expenses axis, that margin gets really slim. If I left the area to, say, live with a surrogate parent for a time to save money, shared custody would quickly get complicated. I can’t imagine a world where he wouldn’t want to share custody but I’ve heard that before, so let’s assume there’s also a chance I’d have them most of the year. Figuring out how to share time would be messy, transporting young kids back and forth long distance would be painful. Managing single parenting life with two young children would be unbelievably tough. Coparenting is already difficult now with these two. Not having back up? Good grief. I might crumble under the pressure of the already difficult juggling act. All of this is assuming it’s an amicable split. I’ve seen it happen but it seems rare in the dozens of divorces I’ve witnessed.
None of it would be impossible but it would be several extra heaps of challenges. That doesn’t even touch the emotional toll it would take on everyone. I certainly wouldn’t be able to afford therapy which would also certainly mean I’d struggle to manage my pain and fatigue on a long term basis. Early retirement would be off the table. Maybe retirement wouldn’t be but it’s hard to say what kind of impact splitting up would have on that without running some numbers.
All of this to say, I find it hard to mentally manage the logistics from a position of relative comfort and safety. I know it’s much harder for others who have young children, and/or less savings, and/or less recent or even any work history, and/or made less money.
I hate that so many people have to stay in bad relationships and bad jobs to keep financially afloat and keep healthcare.
People should have better options than to tolerate abuse or toxicity to keep basic needs met. They shouldn’t have to hope they’ll get lucky enough to have a support network that might help out enough to scrape by.
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.