About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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December 29, 2020
Week 40 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 40, Day 277: I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom to JB lately. I’m so distracted and preoccupied by: work, Smol Acrobat’s needs, my needs, my fatigue and recalcitrant body that I simply haven’t spent any time with them. I still parent – direct activities, I discipline, I coordinate schooling and tutoring and advocate for them when needed. But actual time together, just being together? Has not happened in weeks. Maybe months. I don’t even know.
They have always been more PiC’s kid than mine for the fun stuff. They are very accustomed to me needing to work at home in a way that they still aren’t with PiC, and it’s not working mom guilt that I’m muddling through. It’s guilt for not having anything left in the tank for fun and enjoying life with them after subtracting all the stressors of the pandemic and household management and caring for everyone’s needs and logistics.
Most of the time I think they couldn’t care less if I’m around as long as they have PiC. They walk the dogs together. They paint and draw and read and gallivant. They prepare coffee and lunch and goof off together. I’m not really a goofing off personality that way. They’re at a 9 on the Silly Scale while I won’t go near a 1. But I still feel bad for not engaging in those rare times they ask me to because I just don’t have any interest in anything in those moments.
There’s a touch of depression at play there along with very real fatigue and overwhelm.
I hope this will pass. I’m pretty sure I am doing my best and they know they’re loved.
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December 25, 2020
If you celebrate, Merry Christmas!
1. We will only be doing quiet presents at home this year with JB instead of flitting hither and yon. While I miss my people, I won’t pretend I’m not appreciating the lack of travel and schedule-juggling stress.
2. Refund central: I found a minute to process a bunch of returns. I was a week late on one of them and had to ask for an exception to the closed return window. Thankfully, I was able to get an exception for that item which was worth over $100 and get all three packages in order.
3. We renewed our Cal Academy membership this year to continue supporting the museum. Our compromise was to renew at a lower Family tier since we won’t actually be going there any time soon. This is more of a tax deductible donation this year. We’d splurged on the Family Plus level last year with the expectation that we’d be bringing guests with us through 2020. Clearly, that was a bust. We don’t mind supporting the Academy but we do want to allocate some of that elsewhere to other needs.
4. Our Saturday was full of unexpected treats. We started out on a bad note – I had severe muscle aches and chills which were very likely just due to my fibro and sleep deprivation but we also had a precautionary COVID test scheduled so I figured it was just as well that we’d be tested and I could be sure it’s just my usual “body is broken” random grab bag of symptoms. We decided to take a walk on a nearby trail just to get some fresh air since I hadn’t left the house all week. Turns out that the dog park was overrun with dogs and an absolutely adorable pitbull puppy kept following us around. It eventually left with its family but JB got to say hi. Then we discovered a nearly empty playground and PiC took pity on JB who desperately wanted to play for a bit. In the interest of supporting local / small business, I gave PiC the nod when the ice cream truck came around – JB got an overpriced popsicle which never happens. And then, our friends showed up at the park because they had plans to meet up with other friends. So we got to say hi at a safe outdoors site and that was lovely. But I was absolutely bushed after and needed a long rest.
Challenges this week: Our friend fighting cancer isn’t doing well. I’m worried for them. Our time left with Seamus is growing short, going by his increasing shakiness.
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December 22, 2020
Developmental Check Ins
We’re lucky to count among our dear friends and family two teachers who are professionally focused on JB’s grade level. This means we can ask the “IS THIS NORMAL” question and get an answer that’s complete and geared towards helping them improve as a good human. We are so grateful for that guidance.
Especially when they share anecdotes confirming that all five year olds are this weird!
For example, it was helpful to hear that being able to see things from someone else’s perspective isn’t a mental framework that they have at this age, that’s something we still have to help them do.
Pupdate
Sera is, currently, the lowest maintenance member of the Dependents Pack and that’s a weird thing to say. But despite her behaviors and fears, which are still definitely present and mean that she is not trustworthy off leash at all or around strange dogs, she IS the healthiest and least needy right now. I’ll take it. Oh and after 3+ years with us, she’s finally chosen someone to bond to. PiC! Hahaha of course.
Sir Seamus, though, oh boy. He’s wobbly (neurological issues that we’re managing with meds but can’t cure) which means we have to be SUPER careful walking him lest he fall over. He still does at random times as his legs just give out. He keeps getting infections, his eyes were a whole THING for months (he did get a clean bill of eye health recently though! yay!), his feet break out in hot spots randomly and hurt, his vision is going, his hearing is bad, his sniffer doesn’t sniff well. But the tricky thing is: he’s still generally a happy pup. He still declares that the post-person is a rude enemy, he’s still absolutely got an appetite, he enjoys his walks even if they are slow and wobbly. He doesn’t fall asleep upside down anymore but he does still do his Happy Rolls.
Second trimester
At this stage, I am continually overeating at most meals to make up for lost ground when I was so nauseated before. (The nausea is much lower now, though it conveniently pops up when cooked vegetables are in the vicinity.)
My level of consumption is a bit scary. I’m only eating until I feel full but the quantities required are … rather like feeding Teen Me again.
6 hearty street tacos, plus rice
Two double cheeseburgers without buns but extra lettuce and tomato
Half a tray of enchiladas
The bonus bizarre thing now is that the kiddo seems to Pac-Man chomp all the food I’ve consumed within 20-30 minutes. I can actually feel it “disappearing” chomp chomp chomp. It’s … Creepy. It doesn’t seem biologically possible or plausible but it really feels like the kid is sucking up my meal because I go from feeling too full to nearly hungry again in a matter of minutes.
Unlike with JB, I’m resting when I need it instead of pushing myself on guilt and willpower. I already use plenty of that for living through a pandemic, managing full time work while sharing childcare duties with PiC who is also working, and caring for our pups. If my body needs rest and I can lay abed for an extra 20 minutes, I do. If it’s a weekend and after an active morning, I’m beat? I lay down. Carrying a whole human is work and I’m not forgetting it like I did with JB. Especially since, though the memories are years off, I recall being even more exhausted with an infant. I will savor every bit of rest I can get now because there’s going to be precious little of that in the future.
It’s not just being more aware is making me amenable to rest though. It’s that all of us being at home removes one critical stress factor. I don’t feel the need to get up and help them get out the door on time. Schedules are less of an issue when there’s no commute to account for. There is of course still a school schedule, and work, but it’s different when you can mosey over on your own two feet.
Precious Moments
“Mom I closed the door so you would not be annoyed by all the talking in the room.” Sits down and starts reading out loud.
To myself: BUT YOU ARE STILL ON THIS SIDE OF THE DOOR.
***
Me: JB, can you go get my water bottle for me please?
JB: Yes matey!
***
JB: I’m sorry your work is annoying.
Me: Me too.
***
Dammit!
I asked JB to read to baby because they are kicking the crap out of me, and I suggested they might be a little upset about something. They replied “oh if Baby is upset, we should just leave them alone for a while so they can calm down.”
THAT IS EMOTION MANAGEMENT FOR NON FETUS PEOPLE THOUGH. I cannot leave the fetus anywhere right now!
December 21, 2020
Week 39 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 39, Day 270: I enjoyed reading Jessica’s How to Cope (and Hopefully Even Thrive) in Times of Disaster. I’ve been doing financial stress testing since 2018 in preparation for a recession and other Bad Times:
This exercise didn’t specifically take illness into account but that has always been in the back of my mind as a fourth scenario that I’d have to cover – what we should do in case one of us (most likely me) became unable to work and earn income. I just didn’t outline it in my list back in 2018 because I wasn’t ready to wrap my head around a prolonged term of illness for any one of us.
And along come a pandemic. *facepalm*
I am grateful that I stuck to the year of cash equivalents in the bank. That really helps my sense of anxiety. I find myself wanting more but that’s my old friend hypervigilence talking. I’m getting better about that – I can see that that’s the fear brain worrying itself to bits and not a logical need, but it’s still there.
Also, it’s time we finalized our last year-end donations! We need to do this now!
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December 18, 2020
1. We were introduced to birria de res tacos. Absolutely decadent and delicious and wowwww so good!
2. I updated our Life-Death Summary records that contains (almost) any and all information needed when one of us passes on. I haven’t done a full update in over a year so it was well overdue. Also there were incomplete sections, so I’ve added an insurance section with the link to submit a claim for my life insurance. Still are – I will need to add our disability and his life insurance information too. This gives me peace of mind.
3. We are getting a small year-end bonus this year. That’s not a given in any year, so getting one this year is especially nice so we can continue to help others. While I’m working so hard at building our financial foundation, I also need to keep exercising our giving muscles.
4. I renewed this domain again with a 20% off coupon code. Why not?
5. I finally sat down and organized the last box to ship to our tenth and final Lakota family. This one had some baby clothes, hygiene kit, blankets and things for mom’s recovery after the baby arrives. I wanted to put a few more things in but I was really pushing the limit on our ability to tape that flat rate box shut!
Challenges this week: Seamus is really looking old and tottery this week. I’m not sure he’s got much time left.
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December 15, 2020
Week 38 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 38, Day 263: A friend mentioned it was a good time to do the Mins Challenge again – where each day you get rid of the same number of things as the day of the month it is. So December 1, purge 1 thing, December 2, purge 2 things and so on.
I love all motivation to purge and declutter but I never feel like that particular challenge works the way I work. I wish it did. I love the idea.
But I am a clean in spurts sort. I tend to go weeks and then burst out in a flurry of cleaning and decluttering. I’ll stick with what works for me and cheer on everyone else with their version of the Mins Challenge.
Week 38, Day 264: Our neighbors are being deeply frustrating and I am reminded of the one reason living in a suburban neighborhood sucks. People. I can’t stand people.
***
I am still baffled by the market that just keeps going up and I wonder why I’m taken aback by it. Probably because it’s so dissonant with the deadly pandemic going on. I have to keep gritting my teeth and putting money in the market because waiting for it to go down and make sense is a losing strategy (I am guessing. Aren’t we all guessing?).
Week 38, Day 265: I don’t know why I forgot to check whether Carter’s would deliver to a PO box, but I did forget and placed an order for curbside pickup for our Lakota Family. Um, hello, they DO deliver to PO boxes and this will save precious space in the flat rate box I am working on packing up for the family with postpartum and other new baby goods that we have on hand which can’t be shipped direct from a store. Thank goodness PiC reminded me to double check that. We sent the warm clothes and blankets using free shipping direct and saved ourselves an errand (and exposure to humans).
Week 38, Day 266: It’s that time of year when unanticipated boxes start showing up on our doorstep and I get to be curious what they’re going to be when I see tracking information in the Informed Delivery update.
There are a few more than usual this year since we won’t be seeing family and friends for the holidays.
I’m doubly glad that I’ve completed nearly all our holiday stuff. There remains just one set of gifts to wrap and deliver for local friends.
We did an Advent Calendar for jams this year, it’s our first one and we’re already behind on opening one a day. You wouldn’t think one ounce of new jam a day would be a challenge to work through but here we are, suppiled with enough jams to
Week 38, Day 267: I’m trying my darnedest to look at the neighbor conflicts as a short term annoyance. It might be more difficult because I’m physically and mentally exhausted, each bit of aggravation is amplified by a lot more than it might normally be. But it’s also difficult because they keep coming up with new reasons to pick fights. If we can just get the last details squared away, we can hopefully not speak to them again for the next ohhh forever.
The whole thing came about because of a misunderstanding. We had no way to know it was a problem until it was too late, and they are absolutely dedicated to making it be our fault instead of finding a way forward that we’re both ok with. Their attitude has made an unfortunate situation far worse than it has to be. They’ve also been petty and rude about every single detail despite our best efforts to remain neutral and polite.
I hate people so much.
I never thought that the pandemic isolation would feel insufficient. I want to put up ten foot walls and a moat and never talk to people again after dealing with these rude and nasty neighbors. And this is even despite PiC taking point on nearly all communications with them to spare me the angst. Grrrrr.
Caveat: I’m pretty sure my reaction encompasses all that remembered frustration with the previous horrible neighbor situation. I probably shouldn’t be trying to up stakes and move based on this one set of interactions.
:: Do you have good neighbors? Do you know where I can find some?
December 11, 2020
1. We went to pick up some treats as a thank you for a loved one who has supported us tremendously pretty much always. This little trip included a short stop to lunch at a local beach that was pretty empty. The people who were there were masked and kept their distance so we felt a lot better for the fresh air and lack of crowding.
2. We also made it to an open park which was almost the same as the beach: lots and lots of distance from other people and almost everyone was masked. PiC and JB ran across the open field a few times playing tag and hide and seek and searching for ducks. Physically I felt like garbage but emotionally it was refreshing.
3. My healthcare providers have been very proactive about checking on me and my looming depression issues. That has helped stave off a massive setback so far, along with being open about the fact that it is trying to eat my brains and trying to do positive things to buffer the huge waves of negativity.
4. Apparently Good Eggs really dropped the ball on Thanksgiving dinner deliveries this year. We lucked out and only had one disappointment for which we were refunded, but they are also giving everyone the option of extra Good Eggs credit, a free meal, or a donation to a charity to apologize as well. We picked the free meal and got to select from a “basket that MIGHT contain this variety of stuff” for delivery next week. A holiday surprise, I suppose!
Challenges this week: I found out that an old friend and mentor died suddenly. I worked with him closely in my rough college years at two of my jobs, and he was a solid supporter when it was time for me to move on. I still don’t know any details at this time but I’m ever so sad.
Our neighbors are being utter knobs about our replacing shared fencing at no cost to them that was falling down. They are offended we didn’t discuss it with them. But we DID attempt to discuss it with them and the spouse blew us off! Ugh. I hate people.
Grumble: I can’t remember if I mentioned this before but the IRS found a legitimate mistake I made in last year’s filing and gave me 30 days to deal with it. I handled it that week and sent everything off. Then I waited…and waited… and waited… Months later they contacted me and gave themselves six months to evaluate my response. I get one month and you get six? Rude.
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