About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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January 1, 2020
2019 highlights in Life
- We solved puzzles, created crafts, wrote cards to friends and family, and read a TON of books.
- We traveled to Hawaii, San Diego, and Lake Tahoe. Not all the trips went smoothly (Hawaii was an epic UGH due to one terrible person) but on the whole we had good times with everyone else.
- Weird health thing: me. I am the weird health thing. Oh wait, for this year. I’ve developed some strange kind of allergy situation where I randomly sprout really itchy rashes for no apparent reason. That’s at least as much fun as you can imagine. Allergy testing, here we come.
- Weird pride thing: I’m happy that I spent only 1/10th of the time that PiC did on hair trims and removal.
- I am grateful for my improving ability to physically exist in this world in this year, and the friends who gently encouraged me to keep at it, supplying sugar free recipes and cooking inspiration. Battling chronic health issues is exhausting and it’s easy to give up even before having to create a new diet with no guidelines. December was especially hard physically, and maybe extra hard because I had several months of lighter pain prior, because I was hit with a triple whammy: overextending myself, catching JB’s cold, menstruating which always makes my pain and fatigue at least 3 times worse. Then add to that the holiday stressors of having to plan and host a holiday party, buy, wrap and pack over a dozen gifts, order and mail 80 holiday cards and packages of some kind for loved ones and I was ready to dig a hole and pull it in after me! But at least half the year was more about better than worse.
- I am grateful for a true partner who continues to learn to improve himself because he and I are totally imperfect people with room to grow and I both appreciate his efforts and find them encouraging for me to keep improving myself as well.
- I am grateful for the professional skills that mean I can still earn a decent amount of money within my physical limitations.
- I am grateful for my child growing up healthy and reasonably independently so far.
- I am grateful for the technology that lets us stay in touch both asynchronously and in real time with our loved ones across thousands of miles and time zones: Twitter, Skype, messaging apps, Marco Polo, air travel that brings us together every so often.
2019 highlights in Money
- I reorganized our banking in March so the accounts would make more sense, and later realized that setting aside all large expenses (property taxes, insurance, other large expenses) in a single account wasn’t working so we stopped doing that too. Instead we only set aside money for property taxes and cashflow the rest of our bigger expenses.
- We stopped contributing to JB’s 529 since it has a healthy amount. Now I’m fully focused on retirement income investing. I still feel like I’m running way way behind in a race to the finish line but my anxiety about it isn’t always high. Sometimes it’s only medium.
- Out of uncertainty comes a bit of good. In January, we both got raises but the outlook was murky. PiC’s company had undergone several layoffs. He still had a job after several restructures but he was uncomfortable and unhappy. I still had a job but I was definitely unhappy and concerned – the political climate has hit many of our clients hard and a recession loomed. I’m paid well but that could also be the reason they chose to get rid of me to cut expenses. I’m still scrambling to make up for 7 years of not contributing a penny to retirement and oh, 20 years of money being drained away by Dad.
I was a swirl of anxiety. To combat that panicky feeling, I decided to aim to squirrel away our highest amount of annual savings ever in case we both took a serious hit any time through or after this year that meant we couldn’t save. I figured we could both could at least hold on for 2019 and then I’d feel less freaked out about whatever negative stuff comes down the pipeline. We scrimped, saved, and controlled our spending aggressively all year, took a lot of hits, made as many contributions on faith that we would make it work, and it did come together in the end.
- We did a much better job giving more time and money this year.
2020 Life outlook
- We are anticipating a number of life changes in the lives of people nearest and dearest to us: a marriage, a divorce, the health of at least three elderly relatives. We are making some travel commitments to support our family through at least the hardest of those life changes and we really need to find a great dogsitter for our pups. That’s one major source of anxiety for me as Seamus’s needs multiply like bunnies. I can’t go tend to other people if our aging pup isn’t well cared for!
- I wish for: Better health.
- I wish for: Internal peace from the anxiety that’s developed over the years.
- I wish for: A lot of good years with my family.
- I wish for: As many good years at this job as I need or want: I have a lot of autonomy, the set up is as ideal as it can be to preserve my energy and let me be present for my family, and pay the bills.
2020 Money outlook
- My job should be stable for another year if nothing big changes like a recession or changes in geopolitics. Those can and will change our stability dramatically so I remain very cautious.
- PiC’s job is still in the same unknown status of “he’s got a job right now that he doesn’t much enjoy but it’s paying the bills and we have no idea if he’s safe from another round of layoffs!” Yay!
- We have at least two necessary major maintenance projects this year though we haven’t nailed down exactly which lucky two yet and I’m guessing we need to set aside $10,000 (???) for them. We need to do our brace and bolt (our preferred contractor will match the price of the EBB contractors after subsidy if we add it to the other project) and deal with some drainage issues. We also have a massive landscaping problem to tackle that may be contributing to our drainage problems. We have multiple home projects on the list after that but I’m not willing to commit to more than two in the year, yet.
- Minor home maintenance: we still have to fix our showerhead, figure out the leak in the washer and why the dryer won’t stop on its own anymore, and murder all the mold that keeps trying to grow.
- Knowing we are committed to spending on some major home maintenance this year, it’s more realistic to aim for saving and investing 80% of what we managed this year.
- Financial stability: We currently have 10 years of expenses invested but we are also holding 5 years’ worth of expenses in mortgages, so it doesn’t feel like we’ve got all that much financial freedom under our belts. Pondering: Does that X times your annual expenses take into account the lifespan of your debts? I guess it doesn’t need to, this X years of expenses is just that – income enough for 10 years and then we’d better have another 10 years of money after that, and so on.
Goals for 2020
Life: Add, one at a time, two new activities for JB. We meant to start one of them this year but I just couldn’t hack it. The other one was a back of mind thing that PiC is interested in getting zir into. It’s 45 minutes a session, we’re not going bonkers here, so it shouldn’t be as insurmountable as it FEELS to be adding two more commitments to our week but it sure does feel like a lot.
Life: Start hosting one Friday movie or potluck night a month with locals. I worked hard at hosting in 2019 and we did see a lot of friends but I think I’d like to make it a regular recurring thing so that I get comfortable with it. I’d also like to see my friends who are not hyper-local but are within a 2 hour drive. That’s harder to swing.
Money: I’m working on some ideas for charitable giving that I’m excited to share. Nothing big but definitely meaningful.
It feels like I should have some big career or money making goal this year but I just don’t. I didn’t in 2019, either. I don’t know why I remain wound so tight with worry but I am. It’s more important for me to let go and relax than to find some new star to aim at in 2020. Perhaps the bigger goal is to embrace a mindset where I can both aim to achieve and trust that we will get to where we’re going.
Decade Summary
It’s been the most eventful decade of my life! It’s the first full decade in which I was fully an adult throughout – able to make all my own decisions, mistakes, and even take some risks. I’m proud that I did take some risks. Having the freedom to do so doesn’t mean one is willing to take them, nor the guts or resolve, but together PiC and I chose to take some risks together and they’ve been really good for us as a family and for each of us individually.
Together, we got married, we buried more than our fair share of loved ones, we built our own small family, we learned to set boundaries for our little family (still learning!), and we’ve embraced chosen family and friends wholeheartedly. We navigated tough situations at work and I learned to stop letting professional toxic messes seep into our marriage (I was terrible at this between 2008-2011).
I won’t speak to PiC’s or JB’s highlights here because that’s their decision to make but individually for me:
At my FT job, I professionally advocated for myself year in and year out, and for my team. I’m proud of what I’ve built in my career thus far. I pushed myself to learn bits and pieces of creative endeavors shared here on the blog and that was satisfying in a whole other way. It feels weird to say I’m proud to be a mother because so much of that wasn’t in my control, but I am glad we ventured into parenthood together. It’s a super tough job and I will have no idea if we “succeeded” for many years yet, but we’re doing our best. I’ve spent half the decade being a remote landlady and that’s been a learning experience as well. I haven’t decided if I should sell, double down and buy another property, or just stick with the one. I’ve also read so many books and feel like I’m still at the teething stage of figuring out my own writing chops. There are stories I don’t want to die with me, and I’d like to get them out when I’m ready.
The decade has been a bit of a bell curve, especially at the end here where I feel like I didn’t actually accomplish anything of note in 2019 but I did hold steady with everything and that’s not nothing.
:: Thanks for reading! What are your expectations for 2020? What would you like to bring into your lives with the new year and the new decade? What were your favorite moments of 2019?
December 30, 2019
Fall! September 23 through December 21
This post contains affiliate links. I may be compensated for purchases made through them.
What I read
Tamora Pierce. I just discovered this author and dove in headfirst.
Circle of Magic quartet (meant for ages 9-11): Sandry’s Book, Tris’s Book, Daja’s Book, Briar’s Book
The Circle Opens is the next quartet but the library didn’t have them so I moved onto the quartet after that, The Circle Reforged, which was a little confusing but not insurmountable: The Will of the Empress and Melting Stones. I’d like to fill in all the gaps now.
Then I moved into The Song of the Lioness quartet. Only Alanna: The First Adventure and In the Hand of the Goddess were available but I want to read more.
Then I found the Beka Cooper trilogy which precedes The Song of the Lioness by 200 years: Terrier, Bloodhound, Mastiff, which I loved. But I’ll tell you what, the last choice in the end of Mastiff had me steamed! It did not take long for me to become thoroughly emotionally invested. That last reveal felt completely illogical and not in keeping with the character. I won’t say anymore in case someone else out there hasn’t yet discovered these books but GR.
My mom always thought it was weird of me to be so emotionally invested in what I read.
Tanya Huff
I don’t know how I’ve read sci fi and fantasy for 30 years and NOT read any of Tanya’s books but I’m happy to make up for lost time now. The library only had the Tony Foster Series so that’s where I started: Smoke and Shadows, Smoke and Mirrors, Smoke and Ashes
I don’t do horror as a general rule, so Smoke and Mirrors verged on a bit much for me, but the rest of the supernatural bits were in my wheelhouse.
Angela Duckworth
Grit
I’m annoyed that I ran out of time to read this while the loan was available – I’d waited about 6 months for my turn to come up! I’ll have to wait another 18 weeks to pick it up where I left off but it was very readable.
Silvia Moreno-Garcia
Gods of Jade and Shadow
Elizabeth Bear
Neither steampunk nor Jack the Ripper yarns are typically my interests but I keep an open mind and this one was quite good: Karen Memory
Becky Chambers
The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet
R.F. Kuang
The Poppy War: this was gutting, intense read.
Rivers Solomon
An Unkindness of Ghosts. WOW. This book was a whole lot. It was subtle but a friend pointed out that the protagonist’s sensory experiences, and physicality, were so well done and true to life for a person on the spectrum and it was really incredibly fascinating to glimpse how that works. I couldn’t put the book down, I read it in one single go.
The Deep. I picked up this book without a notion of the plot and it gutted me. It was so well written and well worth a read.
Where we went
We finally managed to pull together a trip to Napa to visit a friend and it was such a wonderful weekend off. I didn’t bring my laptop, we ate tacos for most of our meals, we enjoyed our friend’s company. We stopped off at a park to eat our taco truck lunch and JB made friends with a random child there – this is a skill I’ve never had and am always bemused by.
What I watched
I discovered The Mentalist is streaming on Prime and since I’d never seen it in its entirety, I decided to give it a try. Cho is my favorite.
We also watched Tangled and JB called me Mother Gothel for weeks after – I leave it to you to speculate why.
:: I’m trying to decide whether to keep sharing my reading and such in these quarterly votes. What say you? Yea/Nay? Move some of these into the monthly updates?
December 23, 2019
While I fundamentally oppose book banning, the Three Little Pigs book is now banned from our house. JB has called for us 177 times in the night because ze is afraid of the Big Bad Wolf. There is no wolf.
Getting ready everyday
We have “stay at home” days and “not stay at home” days. Big honking surprise, ze has been up early and happily on stay at home days. Ze divebombs our bed, chortling, with lovies in tow, for a good snuggle after which we lie abed luxuriously reading and playing together, if PiC has already taken the dogs out.
Once every fifth blue moon, I wake up first and answer the call: “Dad! I’m awake!”
Burying the lede: I’m allowed to answer those now! I used to get the stinkeye and “I want Daddy.” We snuggle and read in zir bed. Once every tenth blue moon, I can convince zir to quietly get dressed and sneak out with me to walk the dogs to surprise PiC with taking his morning chore. For this one thing, I miss the days when ze was an easy infant (in this respect anyway), portable and without opinions. I’d just bundle zir into the stroller and take them all out.
NOT stay at home days, though, whew. Those have been a struggle.
Ze hates being rushed but also sleeps so much in a solid stint now (10-11 hours at night, probably because ze quit napping 1.5 years ago UGH) that we have to be in bed by 7 pm to have a ghost of a chance of getting up early enough to get ready without rushing. Hah. 7 pm. We have early dinners compared to other local families, but we certainly don’t get dinner, bath and bed done by 7 on weekdays. It’s a series of daily battles and it’s no fun at all.
Feeling the feelings, continued
I first shared this a couple months ago. I’ve been trying to take advantage of quiet mood moments to reinforce identifying and addressing feelings. So far, our range is sad and mad. (And mad is usually enraged and aggressive.)
But once in a while, I clue into the whining and instead of grouching at zir (no whining!) I instead remember to ask: so how does that make you feel? Sometimes, ze gives an honest and reasonably calm answer! In that case, the non-leading-question follow up is: What helps you when you’re feeling mad? Sometimes ze will have an answer to that, too!
Death, again
JB’s friends, a pair of siblings ze enjoys bouncing off the walls with, lost their parent this month very suddenly and we attended his funeral. We talk about death so frequently because we don’t want it to be a dark scary thing for them and it seems to help. JB is sad about zir friend’s dad, he was so good with kids that they genuinely liked him for him and not just as X’s dad, but ze is more focused on the people still here: they spent the wake enjoying each other’s company and looking at pictures together.
A numbers game (that’s way over zir head)
JB: let’s play the numbers game!
PiC: which one?
JB: the one where you guess
PiC: where I guess the number you’re thinking of?
JB: yes. I will pick.
PiC: ok… Is it… 35?
JB: NO! THAT’S NOT THE GAME!
PiC: but you said…
JB: no, I think of a number and YOU GUESS.
PiC: I did!
JB: you’re doing it wrong!!
PiC: are you listening to this?
Me: no, I stopped listening when it stopped making sense.
PiC: 😕
Me: JB, are you talking about the numbers game where you guess by asking “higher or lower”?
JB: YES!
Me: ok then, Dad, guess higher or lower than to narrow down the numbers.
PiC: is it higher or lower than 10?
JB: higher.
PiC: higher or lower than 100?
JB: higher.
PiC: higher or lower than 1000?
JB: higher
PiC *disbelief*: higher than 1000?? You know your thousands??
Me: Dr. Evil. That’s your number.
PiC: a million?
JB: yes!!
JB, guessing: is it higher or lower than 100?
PiC: lower
JB: IS IT ONE??
PiC :… No…
JB: IS IT TWO???
PiC: …. no…. This is going to take a long time.
Me: Honey, ask Daddy higher or lower questions.
JB: is it higher or lower than ONE???
PiC: 🤦♂️it’s definitely higher than one.
JB: is it higher or lower than FORTY?
PiC: lower
JB: is it higher or lower than FIFTY??
PiC: ????
Me: dad said it was higher than 1 and and lower than 40 so it has to be between those two numbers.
JB: what’s “between” mean?
Us: 🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀
Who can fathom the mind of…
JB: Daddy, let’s talk about seed germination. I know there are three parts of a plant (holds up one chubby finger per item): leaves, stem, roots!
PiC: And what do plants need to make energy?
JB: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS SHOOT! *collapses into giggles*
Oh, duh
PiC: Who’s the new art teacher?
JB: There is no new art teacher. It only changes if it’s their last day!
Drat, couldn’t trick zir
JB: Oh, Dad, I can’t tell you that because it’s a Christmas surprise.
Me: What can’t you tell Dad?
JB: It’s a secret! For Christmas. For parents.
Me: Can you tell me?
JB: NOOOOO it’s a SECRET. FOR PARENTS.
:: Were you able to keep secrets as a kid?
December 20, 2019
1. The NOT good thing is I have a huge pain flare up today. It woke me from a rare deep sleep, it was so bad. No idea if it was diet / weather / sleeping wrong related.
So this morning I am deeply grateful for heating options like my fabulous rice bag gift from my dear friend, my hot tea and the means to heat it (which I do not take for granted with the power outages of late), and my heat patches that got me through the first hour from 2 to 3 am when it was all I could do it just keep breathing.
2. I was lucky enough to have booked a massage several weeks ago for this week and though it was nearly impossible to get away on time, I made it to the appointment. My therapist got the pain down from severe to just below moderate. I can just about deal with that while also stressed to the GILLS preparing for the holidays. Now, I just have to kick the dregs of this cold. I can never be so foolish as to say “I’m about to kick this cold” because then it gets stronger and turns on me with a vengeance. The second round of the same cold is twice as evil.
How’s your immune system this week?
3. I always try to be done with the financial books before mid December so if there are any last minute transactions to be made, I can make them in the year. Reminder of that time I tried to do some tax loss harvesting and totally fumbled the ball – selling off the stock so late that the transaction processed in the next year. Whoops!
I’ve updated most of our spreadsheets for our rental property (thank you thank you thank you Past Me who took the time to update that sheet up through October), for our tax preparation including all our itemized deductions and miscellaneous income, and leading into 2020 for our day to day expenses.
Have you tackled your tax documents yet or do you have a good system for this whole mess?
4. JB’s friend lost a parent suddenly and unexpectedly this week. We were so sad to hear it and had to share the news with JB to see if ze wanted to attend the funeral. Ze did, and composed a really solid condolence letter as ze processed the idea that Mr H was dead and not even 100 years old yet: “Dear Xav, I’m sorry your parent died. I love you.”
Our writing lessons are bearing fruit.
5. I’ve always been a milk chocolate eater but I decided that Nicole and Maggie’s recommendation of very omigah dark chocolate (sugar free) is better than no chocolate and I’m adjusting to the bitterness. Each passing day the bitterness seems less so in a couple weeks I should be set with one little non painful treat?
December 19, 2019
This is my last link love for 2019, I’m giving myself a wee break and starting again January 9th next year!
I really enjoyed this: how Ruth learned to think about problem solving. This kind of memory makes me happy. It also made me ponder: what little things am I modeling for JB that will go on to have real and positive impacts? I strive in a very different way now than I did ten years ago, I’m softer now and less gritty than I was and I worry that ze isn’t going to have the chance to observe that we can overcome tough circumstances. Of course I don’t want zir scarred by early traumas of knowing too much too soon, but how do I demonstrate that quality and encourage zir to keep at things persistently?
I love Eve Ewing’s Ironheart series and her thread on breads. It’s a special kind of torture but also I love it.
Financial Independence Let Me Walk Away From Harassment at Work. This brings back some harsh memories of when my boss was the person making my work life impossible and how much I still hope he reaps what he sowed.
Honoring lost loved ones around the holidays. I lost Mom too close to Thanksgiving to ever want to celebrate it again and out of respecting that feeling sprang a new tradition that I hold dear.
Unfortunately we had reason to draw on this wisdom on writing condolence cards recently.
May I be able to listen to what my child is telling me like this
December 16, 2019
I’m still working at preparing for a disaster and creating coherent and complete kits. We’ve been working at this for years and we’re still not done because it takes time to fit these expenses in the budget. I’m not willing to just buy one of those big kits because I’m looking for long-lasting value which means spending a bit more for quality.
Background
I shared my friend’s expertise on hurricane insurance in 2013. I summarized what we had on hand and what I was thinking for 2017. Things we already have:
Hydration:
- Two water filtration systems purchased almost a decade ago for cooking and drinking if we have no potable water
- 3 days of water packets
- I wonder if a lifestraw would be good to have as well.
Food:
Light:
Energy:
- An outdoor only generator that could keep our refrigerator (and maybe internet assuming those towers are still up) running plus two extension cords to keep it far away from the house. We need some extra gas for the generator and a safe place to store it not in the house.
- I picked up a massive power bank for the household to share and to have a back up to our smaller more portable power bank that I use regularly. This can be used to (very slowly) charge my computer when we just have a power outage, too.
Heat/warmth:
- Sleeping bivvies in case we have to sleep outdoors.
Health:
- A tourniquet for major bleeding,
- Swiss army knife,
- Bandaids,
- Gauze and medical tape.
(more…)
December 12, 2019
1. JB had a play date without us monitoring for the first time! O_O
It was a huge step for me for a lot of reasons but it was with a group of kids we’ve known for a couple of years and parents that we get along with well, so … we gave it a try. It was a much longer visit than we planned. Ze was totally worn out but we had good reports: zir manners were excellent, when ze was upset by a scary bit of a show ze just went and asked an adult to sit with zir instead of emulating the behavior of a cousin that I can’t bear (screaming at the top of their lungs until the scene is over). We spent some time chatting with and laughing over parenting stories with the parents before taking zir home and I think that really made a difference. We like this group of kids enough to offer to set up a date night rotation so we can exchange free babysitting with them.
2. PiC was razzing me about always wanting to try the local Peruvian cuisine. There are two ingredients that feature heavily in Peruvian cuisine that he doesn’t care for, so he always focuses on them. But I have vision! At least when it comes to food. Peruvian is so much more than cooked tomatoes and plantains! There’s not much in the way of affordable Peruvian, it’s mainly the fancy places here, but I found a small hole in the wall sort of place to try and I sold him on their fresh chips and salsa. Once there, we were floored by the new to use dishes that were amazing: Sopa Siete (no carbs, no sugar, perfect for me!) and Tallerines Saltado Carne. This was a huge treat. As was PiC’s mea culpa for doubting me. 😀
3. It feels like it’s been a full year of intentional effort in building on our local relationships, particularly with each socializing encounter eating up a lot of my limited energy, but I am being hopeful that it will be worth the investment. PiC and I want to keep investing time and effort in our people and relationships, and I’m glad we’re on the same page.
In the past two weeks, we have had more spontaneous socializing than I’ve had in the entire several years before this: we ran into a friend at daycare and asked them over for dinner. We had a friend ask to drop by with a gift for JB and they stayed to lunch, no big deal. I’m not at the point where I can host like Angela does but I do like that within reason (I’m still a massive introvert after all). Say, one or two weekends a month sounds good.
4. I commented that I didn’t have time to do the laundry over the weekend as an offhand reminder to myself to do it during the week after I cleaned out the washer drum of fur. Because he was up early and rested, PiC remembered what I said and did all the laundry on Monday morning before I got up. BONUS: I was able to change into fresh from the dryer warm clothes! Best. Partner. Ever.
5. I love this from Terry Pratchett’s Dodger (bold mine): “Money makes people rich; it is a fallacy to think it makes them better, or even that it makes them worse. People are what they do, and what they leave behind.”
6. I feel CRUNCHED for time this week and next. We have a lot to prepare for various holiday cards and gifts for a lot of loved ones. Even keeping it relatively minimal (cards for most, photos as keepsakes to remember our time spent together), there’s still a whole lot left to do: putting notes in for some people, sorting out the 115 photo prints I ordered to gift to some folks, stamping them and addressing them. I know PiC would help but he and I have VERY different ideas of when these things should be done and it’s less annoying to me to do it than to rush him. I’d rather have him do other things that I don’t like and where the timeline doesn’t bother me. He’ll do all the food and car packing up when we travel, for example, or scrub the sink (hate), the toilets (hate), and maintain the cars.
:: How was your week? Are you ready for the holidays?