About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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November 25, 2019
Mental illness speckles my family tree like leaf mold.
The bipolar uncle who cackled uncomfortably like a cartoon character, his mirth punctuated by random outbursts of rage. The cousin fallen prey to the lure of drugs to quiet his anxiety, lost when the drugs pushed him to suicide instead of helping as he’d hoped. Then his brother couldn’t handle the anger and loss and pain, he was finally diagnosed as bipolar and refused to be treated. Then Mom’s dementia and anxiety and depression, desperately intermingled, trapped her in a dizzying kaleidoscopic world until she passed. My dad was, and remains, a hardcore narcissist. If he doesn’t actually have NPD, his life and choices certainly mimic it very strongly, and he raised a son who was the same.
Mostly this kind of thing is hushed up by the family, as if not talking about it means that it doesn’t exist. That doesn’t work, family. It hasn’t protected any of us.
Some of got lucky. Some of us danced with acute depression and/or anxiety, lasting weeks, or months, admitted it, got help, and finally made it through to the other side. Humbled and a little wiser about the realities, and vagaries, of mental health with some tools to manage that anxiety and depression, we’ve understood the struggle a little better. And some of us who won free still live with the specter, daily.
My brother wasn’t one of “some of us”. He didn’t have a sharp psychotic break. He didn’t step in and out of schizophrenia, managed and not. It was almost a gentle transition. He’d always had delusions of grandeur – he flashed through get rich quick schemes like credit cards. Braggadacio fed his outsize ego which fueled his arrogance in an endless loop.
He never worked harder than when he was trying to dupe me, our parents, or family and friends. He was the first to fall head over heels for the earliest MLM scams of our time, dragging our worried parents and their connections in with him. He managed two quarters at the local state college before dropping out with parking tickets and failing grades trailing in his wake.
He slipped into the warm embrace of true delusions easily, just like he’d done every night when we lay in bed in our shared room, dancing through one imaginary scenario after another. His created world had always been far more desirable than the one we lived in, the one of bills, of hard work, of gritting your teeth and dealing with the daily mundanity that keeps the car running and the water on.
Is it any wonder then, as his delusions deepened, as he swatted away our reality to create a new world for himself where he didn’t have to do any actual work, that it simply wasn’t clear if this wasn’t just another one of his long cons? (more…)
November 22, 2019
1. We had a dear friend come stay with us for the weekend. We haven’t spent time with them in months and this was a very nice visit. I got curious to see how much use our guest room gets annually, this year was a low occupancy year, so I checked our calendar. We’ve hosted 6 separate individuals or family groups for a total of 39 days. We normally would have closer to about 50 days in a year, but fewer separate individuals/groups. We use that room as a laundry room in between visits so that I’m not cluttering up our sofa with to be folded clothes, so it gets good use year-round.
2. We had another unplanned visit from PiC’s friends and he had a good time catching up with them. JB was over the moon because those friends brought over their infant and ze loves wee babies. The wee baby really liked zir, too. Luckily I like these friends.
3. I’m pretty happy with my change to our spending/saving spreadsheet style over to a checkbook register style than a single calendar view. Again, it’s imperfect because I have many needs and desires for tracking our money but I am quite happy with this current iteration. It lets me get more granular than my calendar vies did before and I can much more easily keep an eye on when expenses get really lumpy and our checking account runs low. This is good. FOR NOW. 😀
4. I tried using an Oxi-Clean paste to scrub our bathroom grout and it worked really well! My hands hurt like the dickens because there is such a thing as overenthusiastic scrubbing but boy is that grout clean.
5. Did you know that Target does price matching? I don’t know why I keep forgetting that but it solved my mini-dilemma about a gift that would have been cheaper on Amazon. The CSR on chat was able to get that done in a minute.
6. We’re slowly making the last of our charitable contributions for the year.
Just thinking: I’ve been pondering things I want to add to our lives but we can’t yet accommodate in our regular budget. For JB, self defense lessons, $100/month. For me, Pilates classes specifically geared towards seniors and people with disabilities, $200/month (but also, time, who has it??). For Sera, one training consultation, $300/each (holy moly. This is the one training group that comes recommended by a rescue group we have history with, I can’t even get other trainers to return my call). For all of us, $$$$$ for home maintenance projects we need to complete. I also need orthodontia work and have made some initial inquiries into Invisalign but I really don’t feel ready to face it yet.
:: If you have grout and tile cleaning secrets, please share! I really need a more energy efficient way than “spend an hour on each 3×3 scrubbing til my hands hurt”.
November 21, 2019
You must be joking: Koalas have fingerprints so much like a human they’ve tricked CSIs
I don’t really understand how Gladwell’s response isn’t to listen to the people he hurt, who were already hurt, and do better. Instead he hides behind legality. Very Poor Form. Also, for me, his behavior is an object lesson in being very careful about giving copyright permission and control over interviews and quotes and recordings of your voice. People can and will take you out of context.
I took the Yours, Mine & Ours (or, just Ours) quiz to “Identify what’s most important to you and learn what could go wrong if it gets ignored.” I was disappointed in our quiz results, though. Even though it acknowledged we’re good at talking about or considering money, it just talked about how fighting about money is a big relationship killer. Well. Duh. That’s why we talk about money: so we don’t fight about it. I don’t know what I was expecting from a 6 question quiz though. What’d you get?
Leia/Washington
I will never not imagine Carrie Fisher delivering that last line.
November 18, 2019
Thinking ahead to kindergarten / elementary school
Kindergarten is 8:30-1:30. Grades 1-5 is 8:30-2:30. Spring break is a week, Thanksgiving is 3 days off, Winter Break is two weeks. Summer is 10 weeks.
How on Earth do working parents deal with that????
Aftercare and summer camps for summer, I guess. But I hate the mental load that we’re going to have to take on for that and honestly I’m not thrilled with the idea of trusting my 5 year old to various groups I have to get to know before I feel like they’re trustworthy.
I’m feeling obligated to just pick up JB and keep zir home with me while I work. For kindergarten, it’s just one academic year, and that’s just … about 5 hours to fill before PiC gets home and we need to do the dinner/bath/bed trio. Hm. Hm. Hm. I’m not sure. Note – the obligation is entirely in my own mind. PiC is investigating aftercare options.
He’ll support me if that’s what I really want but he’s really in favor of getting aftercare. I suspect I just don’t want it because I hate having to get to know and trust new people all over again.
My parents never had childcare really, it was all on Mom’s shoulders to drop us off, pick us up, feed us, and everything in between. That meant that sometimes we were left waiting an awfully long time to be picked up after school as she was stuck at work late most days. I remember sitting outside the elementary school under a tree, reading a stack of books, waiting for hours hoping she hadn’t forgotten me entirely.
I’m not trying to reproduce that situation, taking it all on my shoulders, and PiC wouldn’t let me anyway. But I still feel this pull to keep JB home with me after school and I haven’t parsed out why, precisely.
When is it “tattling”?
I need to do a better job of differentiating between when I want JB to tell us about someone doing something wrong and when it’s not necessary or appropriate. We have been encouraging zir to resolve differences with the kids in question, which ze is getting better at, but we also need to discuss what things fall under “don’t tattle” (when it’s not causing anyone harm, and it’s just an annoyance that someone isn’t following the rules) and what falls under reporting actual harm.
This immediate “don’t tattle” admonishment was giving me hives because it’s too all-encompassing and I didn’t like that feeling of just telling a kid those two words without further explanation. Like this author, I don’t want to feed into a culture of silence for lacking nuance.
This was a helpful resource.
Because here’s the thing – we don’t want kids to lie, but we also don’t want them “snitching” when other kids do something wrong. How are they going to know what to do and when without more specific guidance? For example, when accused of wrongdoing and they know another kid did it, are they supposed to tell us the truth or stonewall? Personally, I always want the truth whether or not I’m going to be the one authorized to follow up on the other kid, but people call that snitching. What’s your take?
We’ve been talking about the nuance with JB, and ze recently brought up a situation between two classmates and asked, “Was that tattling?” So we’re thinking about it, at least.
Precious Moments
Another circle of life
JB: mom, do Lions eat zebras?
Me: Yes if they can catch them.
JB: Then they EAT them! *gasp*
PiC: There was a Wildkratts book about that.
Me: What does it say?
JB: That.
Me: Oh.
PiC: It’s called Lion Pride. They also talk about honey badgers.
Me: What about honey badgers?
PiC: Lions don’t mess with them.
Me: Why not?
JB: Because they will BADGE them.
Me: Yeah … that’s no good for anyone.
Me in bed after a rough day and night
JB: Hi Mom! You can take as much as you need in bed. But don’t take too much time, or else you might not come with us!
5 minutes later…
JB *bursting in*: Mom. Mom. Can I have … Mom, are you …. Mom where’s your head???
Me: *should I tell zir I’m in the bathroom?*
Priorities
Me: It’s taco night!
JB: I don’t LIKE tacos!
Me: -____-
PiC: Ok, can I have your tacos?
JB backpedaling: But … I need da pwotein!
:: Were you a latchkey kid or did you have a parent or adult at home when you got out of school?
November 15, 2019
“People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead.” James Baldwin
1. Carrying on with the task of getting ourselves removed from mailing lists, this is the Direct Mail link for The Container Store. This is the link for Prana. Someone put me on the American Girl catalog list. It irritates me that my name got on there in the first place and that they require a birthdate to “check out” even for catalog cancellation when that’s none of their business and their form is crappy.
2. I just had an epiphany that I didn’t have to do a work thing I hate doing manually and figured out a formula for it. WOO. It should not have taken 9 years for that to occur to me but the important thing is that it did.
3. I had several days as a solo human taking care of the household and dogs, and wow did I get so much done! Not only did I get caught up on a lot of work, I took the dogs on longer walks gradually and even still had some time to myself to read a book and clean. Bonus: refusing to meal plan or cook at all was an amazing break. I just ate leftovers and threw together random pantry things until I ran out. Happily.
4. This was last week but I forgot to record it and I am still happy about it: I caught the one day Sprouts sale on gift cards ($100 gift card for $89.99). We shop there a fair amount and I love saving 10%.
5. I caught the last day of the Petco $30 off $100 purchase and replenished our supply of XL dog Advantix for much less than I’d get it anywhere else. Normally the 12 month supply is $130 before tax. I paid $109 after tax. Flea-free and savings – an excellent combination.
It feels like I accidentally opened the floodgates for spending.
6. After several years of ill-fitting sweatpants (two pairs “borrowed” from PiC and a pair that were a silly purchase because they were totally oversized), I indulged myself with a pair of sweatpants that actually fit ($12). Pockets, warm, and they fit! Pure luxury.
8. I also picked up a really warm pair of slipper socks ($11) which are also pure indulgence. But my feet are cold constantly and this is another way to keep warm without running heat.
9. I picked up four packs of underwear for PiC but none of them were right so they all went back and instead I picked up two spare sets of flannel sheets since we have entirely abandoned our cotton sheets. Originally we were going to have one set of cotton and one set of flannel. But it’s cold all year round here, there’s no good time to go back to cotton sheets.
10. I made a $300 goof. I have about 13 subscribe and save items that I skip most months because it takes 6-8 months to need enough items to make up a full 5 item order and maximize the S&S discount. This is partly because we aim to keep consumption to exactly what we need, and partly because I’m trying to shop at Target more. Well. I forgot to cancel this month’s order and I woke up to a horrifying notice that all my items had shipped. 😱 Luckily I went into my account just to see if I could cancel anything and was able to cancel all of the orders. WHEW. I won’t do that again!!
11. Even if we both feel overwhelmed, I generally feel like we have evenly divided all our household chores. I asked PiC today if he feels our distribution is still even. He thought about it: including all the bookkeeping, grocery runs, daycare duties, etc? Yes. He thinks so. It’d be nice to have less work to divide but he also feels like it’s pretty equal. That’s good.
:: How was your week? Do you have a good distribution of work in your household?
November 14, 2019
***FYI: I am collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
Ali’s money background story resonates so strongly.
How are you preparing for holiday spending and avoiding holiday debt?
I very much appreciate these thoughts on consciously resting.
Thefts in Potrero Hill. I had trouble getting through this story because everything about it was frustrating.
Yes, I am in the cozy season: blanket, small heater, baked some bread.
Sarah Gailey’s story of living with chronic pain felt like she was me. And I would choose to be Away almost all the time too. To be able to choose when to be in pain, to be able to choose to take risks that could result in pain, because you know it’ll fade away is an unbelievable luxury that I don’t remember. I can’t remember not having to calculate how much I’ll pay for each exertion, and each choice, and everything I want to do, down to laying down at a particular angle.
Billie Lourd on Becoming the Keeper of Princess Leia. I wasn’t old enough to love Leia in real time when the movies first came out but I came to the Star Wars universe around the 90s and loved her, and General Organa, and Carrie Fisher. This article made me tear up.
This architect doesn’t live in the real world and also is an idiot: “The super see-through material, Tschapeller said, challenges the idea of the floor as most stable elements in architecture. When I told him that I could see clear up into the stacks at other students, he urged visitors to respect each other—no creeping permitted.”
I thought our dentist was bad at this online booking system thing – they require a separate email address for everyone, including minor children. Sorry y’all, my 3 year old doesn’t get an email address!
Meanwhile, Costco has been touting their pet prescription refills and THEY want my dog to have a separate email address. Really. There’s no better way to do this, like, perhaps a PET sub-profile?
Cat Touchdown
November 11, 2019
***FYI: I have been collecting donations for our Lakota families (will continue until Nov 17th). Details in the Giving paragraph of this post. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
I’m both thrilled to be able to do this work and sobered by it every single time. It’s most certainly an exercise in gratitude though that’s not why I do it.
I discovered the Okini last year and a group of friends pooled our money to buy holiday gifts for children who wouldn’t expect any gifts. This year, I had to start earlier in the year if I still wanted to do it, and of course I did, so I had to pace myself. It takes a lot of time and energy so I accepted that I wouldn’t be doing the holiday Okini.
Delving into this process of buying things for people who need it, I’m reminded again and again, there is so much many of us can take for granted:
- Basic clothing: Folks on the reservation don’t have seasonal clothing. Heck lots of the kids are growing fast and don’t have next size up shirts and pants, nor do they have winter coats.
- Heat: They often need warm blankets, space heaters if they have electricity to run them, and/or a hatchet to chop wood for heat.
- Light: Some families have to chop wood, or rely on space heaters if they have them and electricity, or bundle up in sweaters and blankets if they have neither.
- Some of our families can only cook food out of a can on a hot plate if they can get one. That’s assuming they have electricity.
- The ability to shop and have things shipped to your own address. For Americans, how many of us have to even think about whether a national chain store will ship basic goods to us if we’re domestically located? Hawaii and Alaska don’t always get the free shipping but it’s usually not a question of whether or not you will even be able to order at all. As I shared with the giving group, there are many stores that point blank won’t ship to PO boxes. For those that will, many items won’t be eligible for shipping to specific regions. I ran into this problem over and over, for every family. For our second family, I picked 18 items at Target. A grand whopping total of 3 of them were eligible to be shipped to their PO box. I had to start over, at least a few times, to get it right.
We have an unbelievable bounty when we think about the baseline they’re starting at.
The process of shopping was a bit of a throwback to my childhood. I lived in homemade clothing and hand me downs. We only bought clothes from yard sales for years. I didn’t know that clothes came from stores or how to shop in a store until I was 13. I certainly didn’t know how to look for things that fit! Similarly, many of these children and adults have never shopped for themselves so they didn’t really know what sizes they needed, they make do with whatever they’re given.
After determining which stores would ship to PO Boxes, I narrowed that list further to stores that have published sizing charts, free shipping and great prices. I considered shopping thrift but the cost of shipping is so high that it’s cost prohibitive, or negates the savings so we’re spending the same as you would on new things. Between the two options, I decided it would be nice for our families to receive new things. When you don’t have much, getting hand me downs is appreciated but it’s unusual to get anything new.
As money came in, I searched the sales to see which family we could best help with the essentials. I combined coupons and sales and then once orders were submitted, I updated the volunteer coordinators with every tracking number so they could confirm that the items were all received. I opted for consolidated shipments every time I could but sadly that’s not often an available option so each family’s orders ranged from 3-8 shipments each.
As of Friday November 1st, we had pooled a total of $1,141.33. I spent $5 more than we had so that was added to our personal contribution.
What did our money get?
We helped 5 separate families! I chose a variety of groups: a single adult facing homelessness, a single adult who took in an infant grandchild, a single parent with an elderly parent and young child, and a single parent with 7 children. That makes a total of 4 adults and 8 children we were able to purchase for.
Family 1: 2 pairs of sneakers, 2 pairs of jeans, 11 pairs of socks, 6 shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of pants.
Family 2: 2 giant boxes of size 2 diapers, 2 giant boxes of size 3 diapers, a giant box of wipes (800 count), shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent, hand soap, 10 bars of soap, instant coffee, tea, sugar, salt, pancake mix, syrup, mashed potato mix, 48 packs of instant oatmeal, 12-pack of canned beef barley soup, peanut butter, strawberry jam, whole grain fruit bars, Nature Valley bars.
Family 3: Shampoo, conditioner, lotion, toothpaste, toothbrushes, floss, underwear, socks.
Family 4: Seven warm coats, eight blankets, 7 multi-packs of underwear and 15 pairs of warm socks.
Family 5: Warm slipper socks, 2 pairs of warm pants, 2 warm shirts, 1 warm sweatshirt.
Why do this?
I suppose someone is going to ask this question, if only in their head.
Short answer: because I can.
Longer answer: Because we are so incredibly blessed to have enough good health to fend for ourselves. (Even though I’m not religious, I do feel that blessed is the right word.) We have love, we have the means to take care of each other in our little family, and we do that well enough to think beyond our own noses. We have enough to give to others without hurting ourselves.
I don’t expect to see any return on this. I do believe this is an investment in making life a little bit better for people in our global community, though. When I die, I won’t regret working hard to try leaving the world just a little bit better than I found it, in some small way.
Last and most importantly: thank you.
I’m so grateful for having this community where you felt moved to be part of this work.
I’m so grateful for having enough, every day, so that I could put my time and energy into this. I’m so proud of our group of friends who give to help others be warmer, be fed, be a little less uncomfortable, without expecting anything in return. Thank you for caring. Thank you for coming together and making this possible.
Together, we made a difference.