About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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October 24, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
My three questions post just coincidentally coincided with Abby’s thoughts on why she doesn’t feel rich.
Koroglu, the Robin Hood of the steppes
The women of Angel did deserve better.
I’d never heard of California City before. Would you want to live there?
Can you imagine the world supporting people with disabilities like this? That would be rather incredible.
“Our unpredictable and overburdened schedules are taking a dire toll on American society.” Though I am notoriously antisocial, PiC and I are making serious efforts to connect with local people, to build some community here.
Holy wow this Patricia Lockwood review: Malfunctioning Sex Robot. I’m going to TRY not to quote the whole thing:
“I was hired as an assassin. You don’t bring in a 37-year-old woman to review John Updike in the year of our Lord 2019 unless you’re hoping to see blood on the ceiling.”
“Please tell me you’re writing something about Updike’s 9/11 book,’ another said. ‘Can’t do that,’ I responded, ‘because I’m pretty sure I would die while reading it, and that would be another victim for 9/11.’ Taste and tact had departed hand in hand; I had been reading too much John Hoyer Updike.”
Growing up, this sentiment would have been met with scoffs of “Americans,” underlining the major differences in our family culture and the culture of our new home.
It was laughable to think that you didn’t owe your parents anything – you owed them everything. You owed them life, and everything you had in life, and therefore you owed them your unswerving obedience. Now?
Well.
Obviously I have unusual circumstances. My dad is a manipulative selfish and really, just terrible, person. I gave him everything and still regret everything I sacrificed for him after Mom died.
In the end, I feel both sentiments can lead to toxicity. Maybe at this point, all I believe is that we owe our parents what we owe the world: kindness and care to the extent that we can give it.
Hank McCoy would say: oh my stars and garters!
https://twitter.com/dusttodigital/status/1177589647658143744?s=19
October 21, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
I often grumble at myself that our monthly expenditures are too high – what are we spending on?? Where can we cut costs? Shouldn’t I be having so much more fun with our income level??
Oh yes, right, we made terrible choices. We live in the Bay Area with a mortgage (renting would save not much, if anything), a kid who needs childcare and therapy, and we take very good care of our dogs. Dogs and children are luxuries we chose.
I remind myself regularly that we aren’t carelessly throwing money out the window. That’s always my immediate assumption when bills are too high – we were reckless with spending somewhere. In reality, those reckless spends are always on the small scale. $5 or $10, maybe. By and large, we are making spending choices consistent with our values: taking care of each other, health, education. We are also making savings choices consistent with our values: we must have a very healthy portfolio of assets so we can retire with some level of income security, some day. Probably not early, but some day. It must be particularly robust to account for known and unpredictable health issues.
This was all by choice. I’m not failing to do money responsibly just because I feel squeezed as costs rise every month. I may always work on adding to our income and cutting our spending but all of these are part of our active choices in what we prioritize in life.
While filling out a survey, I was struck by how my answers about our finances don’t convey an accurate picture, and get to what I assume the researchers actually mean because of lack of context.
How would you answer these three questions?
1. During the last calendar year, how often did you put off buying something you needed – such as food, clothing, medical care, or housing – because you need the money? Would you say:
Never / Rarely / Occasionally / Frequently / All the Time / Don’t Know
2. During the last calendar year, how much difficulty did you have paying bills? Would you say:
No difficulty at all / A little difficulty / Some difficulty / Quite a bit of difficulty / A great deal of difficulty / Don’t know.
3. Thinking about the end of each month in the last calendar year, did you generally end up with …
More than enough money left over / Some money left over / just enough to make ends meet / not enough to make ends meet / Don’t know (more…)
October 18, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
This is my weekly list of things that were good this week, even if they weren’t all unadulteratedly good things. Please share your good things in the comments!
1. My new reading glasses arrived! We even had the frames adjusted for comfort so they curve behind the ears. I’ve never had an optician advise me on this particular thing you do to make glasses comfortable so I’m very excited for the unprecedented level of comfort and for the (I hope) elimination of constant headaches now that my prescription has been adjusted. Fingers crossed!
2. We committed to another stage of a series of health surveys and clinical visit for a study that I felt was worthwhile to sign up for 5 years ago. It’s a study to help kids. This stage is time intensive (estimated 6-7 hours) and so they’re compensating us with $200 in gift cards. Our first $100 gift card was issued this week, the other will come in a few weeks after we finish the last set of information. It’s not an easy way to make $200 but that money will really help since it was something that I wanted to do.
3. We’ve received amazing contributions for our Lakota families. I’m REALLY excited that we’ll be able to send some good packages. There are so many families on the list and I’m
4. Sigh. So. On the plus side, we got approved to use the Earthquake Brace and Bolt program. We applied a year ago and funding was finally approved. The minus side is that when I inquired about the retrofit discount with our insurance agent, it turns out that our earthquake and homeowners’ insurance was artificially low because somehow they got the wrong foundation information and I missed that. Our homeowners premium is going up 30%, and the CEA premium is going up 70%. With the discount, after we complete the work, it’ll “only” go up 30%. We really have to get that work done!
I know that the plus side of this is that it’s better we find out now that we’re underinsured when we can do something about it than after a disaster when we wouldn’t have get enough money to cover all the repairs. But it’s a painful plus. I’m crossing my fingers for good bids from the EBB contractors and that one of them will do the work really well, or that our private contractor can beat their price even with the FEMA funding in which case I don’t have to worry at all about quality. I suppose another weak positive is I can pick up another churning credit card with the policy increases, but that will require some time to strategize and I have none to spare.
I do solidly appreciate that when I did the initial research, I decided that I didn’t want to deal with the contractors directly (I have too many things on my plate right now) and handed that portion over to PiC with a deadline. He called, talked to them, set up appointments and met with them without a single reminder from me because he’s awesome like that.
:: How was your week?
October 17, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
As I work on our Lakota family needs lists, I reflect on how incredibly lucky and filthy rich we are, with the Bitches: “I’ve been dancing around a point, but here it is: listening to rich people refer to themselves as “middle class” makes my skin crawl.”
Imagine the depths of the grief and trauma of the black community as these murders by law enforcement keep happening. This needs to stop. It needs to not be ok.
Three more small things to be more green from Tortoise Happy.
I’m not sure of all the ins and outs of this arrangement but it LOOKS like the Healthcare Anchor Network is a good thing. I hope it is.
I adore seeing people’s experiences with palaces in the sky (at least for people I like anyway).
Pay inequality is still a thing. This is why I negotiate hard, knowing that I’ll be penalized for negotiating too, but knowing that at least I show my worth many times over so I should at least negotiate for as much as I can even while a white male doing the job I’m doing would automatically be paid much more without having to ask for it.
How did your parents embarrass you? I assume mine did but I can’t remember any embarrassed by parents stories from childhood.
I had no idea this is why Sesame Street revealed Mr. Snuffleupagus. I also didn’t know that the show viewed Big Bird as the ostensible stand in for the child audience.
“The Two Questions’ came from trying to write something good and not getting very far because I had forgotten that trying to write something good before I write anything at all is like refusing to give birth unless you know for sure it is going to be a very good baby.” I laugh because it me in more ways than one.
Making friends as adults. I do envy little kids and their ability to make friends easily now that I’ve witnessed it in JB. I was as hermitlike as you could get at 4 years old and hated the idea of people. I didn’t so much make friends as have some happen to me. I still miss that first friend I ever made on my own in third grade – it took that long – and we remained fast friends even though were in totally different circles by high school. Now only eight years into my life in the Bay Area, I’m finally making the effort to make friends and it’s still every bit as difficult now for me as it was for child me. Ugh.
Move along, rams!
https://twitter.com/WSheepdog/status/1177627435988328450
October 14, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
Summer! June 21st through September 23 2019
What I read
This reading summer started off strong with some fantastic writers:
Samantha Shannon
The Priory of the Orange Tree
Rebecca Roanhorse
Storm of Locusts
I can barely handle apocalyptic fiction these days since it feels too much like real life but Rebecca’s books are just too good to skip until this mess is over. There are gods and the world we made for ourselves, and really, you just have to read it.
Seanan McGuire
That ain’t Witchcraft
I adore this entire series and would like many more stories of the Price family. Many many many, please.
Michelle Obama
Becoming
I could have screenshotted the entire biography to text to PiC with my thoughts … I refrained when I realized that it would not end. (more…)
October 11, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
This is my weekly list of things that were good this week, even if they weren’t all unadulteratedly good things. Please share your good things in the comments!
1. I redeemed my Bing points for a Target gift card: $25. I keep stalling, mostly because I like seeing large point totals, and a little bit because I worried that I’d just spend the gift card money on regular household needs instead of saving it for my robot vacuum. I’ll try to behave.
2. Dear friend gifted me a beautiful rice filled heat pack which has been such a boon for my sore neck and back. Since I can only hand sew, and rarely do I have time or does my body not hurt too much to do it long enough to make such a pack, this was the best gift.
3. We all got our flu shots and planned for it to hit us reasonably hard. It was a good thing. We spent the remaining part of the afternoon on the sofa with a movie while PiC cooked dinner, and then JB and I all headed to bed by 7 pm. I wasn’t planning to stay in bed after reading to zir but was out like a light and got the longest night of uninterrupted sleep in recent memory.
4. Speaking of valuing local things, we completed my quest to find a local independent bookstore to shop from! I won’t always be able to patronize them because I still have my physical limitations that knock me down for days at a time if I don’t respect them but I’m glad to have a place to go when I’m able and we’ll give them as much of our business as possible. We’re choosing to spend a little more to help keep a valuable shop in business.
We enjoyed their small kid section which had some toys for kids at kid sized tables and chairs and the owner was nice enough to not mind our hanging about for hours. We bought a pile of new and used books as gifts and requested a special order of a few more book for gifts. I also learned from the store owner that they had to pay to show up on indie.org and that’s why I couldn’t find them on there before.
5. I decided to satisfice my new glasses. After having done some research online at Zenni where it would have cost me $52.11 after a coupon for the exact same pair that I got last year, I went to Costco to price out a comparison pair. Costco is an out of network shop, but VSP will cover $80 frames and part of the lens cost. This is my first pair in two years, third pair in 15 years, so I decided that instead of spending another precious afternoon seeking out an in network provider, I decided that a $60 set of frames and $57 for the lens and copay were manageable. I take good care of my glasses and don’t replace them until I absolutely have to, but I’ve also been having migraines for 3 months so having the process started now makes more sense than suffering for another month or two while I vet another provider and eventually finally find the time to go to their office. I still have twinges of not having sought out a way to get the glasses for just the $25 copay but I’m going to have to be ok with this.
6. Ally announced they are offering commission-free trading on all U.S. exchange-listed stock, ETF, and option trades. Yay! I don’t buy or sell often but I like free.
:: Why does 57 degrees in the Fall feel absolutely frigid whereas the same temperature in spring and summer months is just chilly? How was your week?
October 10, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
How society really works after disasters
I keep repeating this to myself: stop buying stuff! Why do I still keep getting these urges to buy cute or beautiful things?
I’m usually very thoughtful about big decisions like adding a pet to our family but even after being so thoughtful, I have regretted getting a pet.
Angela and not being perfect: “If everyone focused on doing things better – let’s say, eighty percent better – the world would look completely different.” I know that when I try to make all my actions environmentally sound, I get stuck in paralysis because there are no perfect actions. But if I can aim to make most of my actions green in a significant way, then I have to forgive myself for the other “fails”.
The crappiness of “parental leave” (hahahahaha) in the US. Our parental leave in the US is so crap. Near five years later, I’m STILL angry that my raise was less than agreed (and that I hadn’t gotten it in writing that ONE TIME) because we found out I was pregnant before the raise went into effect. It’s definitely affected my trust of my employer.
I’ve been fighting the instinctive toxic positivity in myself because I hate receiving it from others but also I note that it’s hard to gauge sometimes what’s needed because a lot of my conversations are over text / email and not in person. Better responses I’m working on: “I’m here for you.” / “That sounds really hard.” / “How did that make you feel?” or “How do you feel about that?”
I’ve spent 11 years in 3 different jobs before this one, including my college years because I worked more than full time those 4 years, but staying so long at this one (more than my usual 4-5 years) makes me wonder if I’m making a big mistake like Ali’s here: For 12 years I refused to talk to recruiters and never applied for a position with another firm. I regularly review the reasons it still makes sense to stay here that aren’t “because I’m too lazy to find another job” because the monetary benefits are fairly modest. It’s all about the day to day autonomy and flexibility but at some point it’s also got to be about the money. I think we’re still committed to this particular balance but if PiC has to leave his incredibly good benefits job, I may have to sacrifice the flexibility of this job to make more money. OR maybe I can have all: more money and all the flexibility?? Maybe. We’ll see.
Life In The Cupboard Under The Stairs: on living with the smallness of a chronically ill life. Most days, this is just normal and I accept it. But this feeing of smallness, of tightness, is renewed. I discovered a fantastic band I’d love to go see and they’re in Oakland this winter. Tickets are under $35. But it’s on a weeknight. How could I possibly scrape up the energy after a workday to be out and then also work again the next day? I still have dogs to be walked and child to be looked after. PiC volunteered to cover both (as a sitter for the required amount of time would be $100 minimum) but I still am unlikely to have the energy to cope with the bookends of work AND having to stay up late. Heck, I’m unlikely to be able to be out that late without consequences even if I didn’t have work, even if I didn’t have to expend energy to drive all the way to Oakland and back. So life gets a little smaller and I try to pretend I didn’t want to go anyway to ignore that new little spike of disappointment in my side that’s grown, trusting that it too will fade away, replaced with new cuts in time.
BOING