September 9, 2019

The privileges of money

So much of this article resonated with me: Why Does It Feel Like Everyone Has More Money Than You?

The three quotes that had me nodding:

“Regardless of how much privilege you have, if you don’t do the work, it’s not gonna happen,” Cowles says, “but having the privilege to direct your work into what’s going to pay off for you in the future, that’s a lot of privilege.”

My thoughts: It’s so true. You have got to be willing to make the most of whatever you have, or it’s just wasted.

I never had a penny of help with my expenses, from the cusp of adulthood, from my parents. They paid for food and a roof over my head until I graduated from high school. Then I nabbed my first full time job at 17. Then I paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and living expenses for them over the two decades that I supported them. For a lot of years my privilege was being able-bodied enough to work those years and make my way.

Conversely, I can’t even begin to calculate the opportunity costs because I don’t know the impact of what I missed. I couldn’t study abroad, couldn’t afford the trips or the lost income. I couldn’t afford to do internships, try different jobs, or even socialize. I have no clue what value those lost relationships might have held. I wondered, often, what I could have been doing instead but I continued to work my butt off anyway even if I wasn’t making the right connections. I wouldn’t have anything that I have today if I hadn’t made the most of what I did have, instead of focusing solely on everything I was missing.

The combination of her parents’ help and her own work ethic meant “I ended up being able to really get ahead in my life,” says Torabi. “You have to be comfortable with the beginning, middle, and end of that story.”

My thoughts: Self reliance became my story, my identity. It actually became a bit of a problem!

I was so deeply centered in pursuing my self-made financial independence that when PiC’s family became part of the story, and the occasional cash gift occurred as would have been normal even in my own family, I was no longer equipped to handle it. If I recall correctly, it was somewhere along the lines of:

It took me years to stop seeing such gifts, no matter how moderate the size, frequency or reason, however normal, as an area of deceit if I didn’t mention it here because I didn’t view the gifts as legitimately mine if I didn’t earn it. I did not feel that way about non-monetary gifts but those aren’t the norm in our family cultures – money is.

Regardless of my relationship with the gifter, I viewed money gifts that should have been the norm in my family culture (red envelopes for birthdays, Christmas, Lunar New Year, and any gifting occasion) as something to be batted away with both paws. I’d so firmly set in my mind that I had to earn every single penny my own self that it’s a wonder I didn’t mortally offend anyone.

I wasn’t comfortable with any deviations from my own story, and I had to learn to be.

As Caroline Moss tells me, “I think it’s more of a question of, are people who are afforded the privilege of getting help going to help others? … If you have the privilege of not having to pay 50 percent of your rent because your parents are paying, how can you advocate for interns to make a decent-enough salary, or for scholarships to support an intern or fellow? That’s where the change comes in.”

My thoughts: Though I’ve always been financially responsible for other humans and in my entire adult life, though I’ve never been able to budget for myself first and others only as a just in case, I never forget that I didn’t get here alone so it’s important to me to pay it forward.

I paid all my own bills from college tuition to gas, clothes, food, and utilities and that was a lonely path among friends who all had familial support but I was lovingly welcomed into my chosen families.

They welcomed me into their homes, hearts, and families, hosted with meals and given a bed when I traveled to see them or to attend Comic Con. Those seemed like small gifts to them but they were enormous in my world where every single penny counted and had to stretch as far as it could go. Each meal was a little shot of love that would bolster me greatly when the time came for me to cut ties with Dad.

An old friend with no financial obligations and a big heart would occasionally pay my way in order for me to join him and his SO on little outings because he valued my friendship and company more than the money it cost him.

A very budget vacation with a dear friend was made possible by chosen family because I could not afford the price tag and missing work at the same time. Even though we stayed in hostels and traveled ever so frugally, I couldn’t have managed the cost of that ten day trip without a big helping hand.

When we were deep in renovations with the house, my chosen family offered us a significant short-term loan to bridge a gap in the budget that – no hyperbole – saved my sanity. The loan allowed work to continue on the new place seamlessly and literally bought us some time to put off the sale of the old place for a few weeks until we could handle listing it. I paid that money back the millisecond that we had the cash in the bank a couple months later, but we were astronomically lucky to have the help in the first place. Most people don’t have that.

I made it entirely on my own for the essentials of life but loved ones helped me with the spice of life that I couldn’t afford. That was incredibly meaningful. Given my personality of being purely practical, those gifts were more meaningful than help with a bill or three. I probably would have forgotten how to live life entirely without them.

Money can be such a complex thing.

As a natural hoarder, my relationship with money wasn’t always healthy, particularly when money was especially tight. I’ve had to consciously teach myself to be open to positivity, to wean myself off the scarcity mentality. Not to fear the dips but to look for opportunity in them, not to let the fear of the future waste my present. It’s not all learned behavior, I always had a tendency to be that person as a pessimist, so I’m fighting against nature and nurture.

If you asked me ten years ago if I was more right about money or if PiC was more right, I bet you $10 that I would have said that I was. But over the years, I’ve come to realize we both are equally right, and thankfully, we’ve grown to meet each other in the middle.

I hope we’ll continue to evolve our relationship with money in a healthy way.

:: What’s your relationship with money?