About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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February 18, 2015
Is that it’s rarely ever useful to anyone unless maybe you’re a supervillain who relies on manipulating people and jealousy is a great blinder of common sense and makes people somewhat predictable. That’s not often the case, though, is it?
Lately I’ve been treated to a litany of “I’m so jealous!” from an acquaintance about the pregnancy and then arrival of Little Bean and it’s exasperating.
LB’s pretty cute, sure, but that’s not what the acquaintance, let’s call her A, was talking about. She was talking about the fact that we made the decision to conceive and it happened. But she can’t honestly think we got pregnant to spite her, can she?
I don’t even know what to say in response that wouldn’t be rude and snarky, and for once, “cutting” isn’t what I want to go for here. (Tonya’s perfectionism post suggests an answer though: no one’s life is perfect, so this comes at its own cost …)
Mind, I’m aware I’m incredibly lucky in some respects. Fantastic husband. Some wonderfully supportive friends. A few amazing family members. Seamus is the Mary Poppins of dogs: practically perfect in every way. And now a cute baby.
This doesn’t exist in a vacuum though. I didn’t just fall into a good-luck pit and come up Milhouse. I came by this honestly and worked hard, making the most of whatever luck came about, good or bad. I take nothing for granted. It chafes to keep hearing “you’re so lucky”. Yes, there’s joy but it’s 98% work and sacrifice. It’s weird enough being lectured by every parent off the street about how wonderful parenting is, it’s even stranger to hear about the magic of having kids from someone who doesn’t have them yet because she’s ” not ready to get fat and deal with the stuff you did”. (I promise that “getting fat” was the least of my pregnancy problems!)
My husband is naturally head and shoulders above the average husband in my estimation but he also has to be. He has to pick up the slack created by my chronic diseases that strike as and when it pleases. He has to accept that much of the time I’ll function at 40% of the capacity of normal people. He has to work around my inability to ask for or accept help like a normal human sometimes and not resent my turning into a resentful prickly cactus when I’m feeling extra useless and worthless for not being able to feed myself or stand up under my own power.
My closest friends understand me, misanthropic introvertness and all, and are wonderful company but none of them are in the Bay Area. None could drop by to lend a hand when I’m bedridden, I can’t run over to give them a hug on a bad day or bring them food or keep them company when they’re lonely. At best we’re an 8 hour drive or a 5 hour flight away from each other so the usual to and fro of friendship has to be adapted to long distance.
Cute child? Yep, I think ze is adorable. But LB hardly sleeps and screams like a pair of dueling banshees. I love the kid but no one would mistake hir for a fashion accessory or this experience a walk in the park. Ze has strong opinions and well developed lungs with which to express them.
And this person is familiar with the severity of my health issues, the huge toll I pay for this otherwise enjoyable life. My professional skills and personal wealth aren’t worth much in the face of debilitating illness. You can’t buy the absence of pain, you can’t negotiate away crap health. You don’t get to cherry pick the good stuff in life and leave the bad so what’s the point of envying the one thing in isolation?
Maybe this acquaintance is just trying to (awkwardly!!) pay some sort of compliment suggesting that my life too is worthy of envy, passing over some validation to the hermit like a communal pipe around the campfire. In a odd way, that could make sense as she’s an extremely fit semi-jetsetter type who travels internationally regularly and on a whim. Her life adventures are neat, they’re things I couldn’t do anymore or maybe wouldn’t choose to do (snorkeling? never again!),. But I don’t need to covet cool things to admire them and especially don’t seek validation.
The only thing anyone has that I’d want is great health. For anything else, I could get off my duff and do something about getting some of that awesome for myself.
As I write this, Seamus is sitting on my foot soliciting attention, offering a pawshake in exchange for a real scratch. We know to ask for what we want in this family.
Bottom line: I’m happy enough with my lot in life and what I’m doing that I can be happy for others and their good fortune. That takes nothing away from anyone.
Is this a familiar phenomenon to anyone else? Do you have an envious friend or acquaintance?
February 16, 2015
Effective Jan. 1, 2011, distributions from health FSAs and HRAs will be allowed to reimburse the cost of over-the-counter medicines or drugs only if they are purchased with a prescription.Ā
This change to the FSA/HRA rules was a real downer.
I use quite a lot of OTC stuff for my chronic pain and it’s not cheap. Thermacare heating pads, for example, are great and last 8-12 hours but a pack of two or three costs anywhere from $10-26. A week of back or shoulder pain could cost $75 just to keep heat on, and it’s rare for the pain to be confined to a single area. Usually it’s one half of the body, right or left side.
To a more astute person, there is an obvious solution so I confess, I totally missed the obvious here.
OTC medications aren’t allowable unless you have a prescription for them. I read that as: if the pharmacy didn’t fill it as a prescription then it wasn’t eligible. I was wrong.
I’ve been doing this with my massages for the chronic pain, but it didn’t occur to me til recently that the same thing would work for the numerous OTC items I’ve had to buy for prenatal and pregnancy related conditions: the letter of medical necessity!
If it’s for any kind of treatment that your doctor is aware of, or if your doctor is happy to fulfill such requests, then all you’ve got to do is ask for a letter stating that these items are being used for treatment.
Make it really easy for your doctor to fill in a form letter by providing the list of OTC meds and send a copy of that letter in with your receipts.
We’ve spent a significant amount on OTC meds and supplies during this pregnancy, it was awesome claiming it back.
Go forth, my friends, and save your effective tax rate in OTC FSA costs!
February 11, 2015
We have a new puppy!
No, I’m kidding. No we don’t. It’s much worse than that. š
It was not the smoothest process ever but we’ve brought home our Little Bean, making us a family of four!
We haven’t slept a full night since. We like hir though and there are no returns so…. š
Seriously, ze looked very generic “baby” at birth but personality started shining through very quickly and we can tell from whom certain traits were inherited. It makes it hard to remember that ze is actually only moving reflexively and not intentionally when a hand is laid on ours or, more frequently, reaches out and smacks us across our faces. Smiles are only because of gas or a pending epic poo.
We continue to hope ze won the genetic lottery in the big things like good health, not being allergic to furry creatures, tendencies to be happier than not, and a hearty enjoyment of accomplishing things.
Family Integration: people reminded us several times to bring home something with hir smell on it so Seamus could get used to the scent and idea. We knew this but the circumstances were such that we simply couldn’t manage it so their first introduction was under some of the least auspicious conditions (or would have been with any other dog).
Ze was squeaking away in hir car seat while we loaded up the car and he went to investigate, looking at me with no little concern when he spotted hir. Oblivious, ze continued squeaking. I kept a close eye on him but, as usual, had no reason to worry. He eagerly sniffed hir from head to toe, not touching or prodding, just sniffing an inch or two away. Seamus, one of the smartest, gentlest dogs I’ve ever met, he who usually ignores tiny humans no matter how loud or aggravating, was now very interested in this critter.
90 seconds later, he nodded. Ze was family. He gave hir the tiniest, gentlest kiss I’ve ever seen from any dog, great or small, a newborn sized kiss, and has watched over hir ever since. If we’re too slow to change a diaper and/or stop the crying he wants to know the reason why. If we leave hir snugged up in hir little chair, he’s sprawled at the foot of it. I suspect no stranger will be getting past him.
He’s accepted that PiC’s not a fan of him giving hir kisses so while PiC continues to get sloppy kisses and wet willies, LB is now in the dry zone.
We’re bone tired but our little family is surviving!
I give Seamus a snuggle every day to thank him for being the best ever. This would be so much harder if the 2 of them didn’t mesh well.
February 9, 2015
Bah, I knew that I’d have to renew the home warranty but that crept up on me really fast.Ā Part of a warranty did come with the purchase of the house so that was an unexpected boon but I’m still not happy to part with a big chunk of money.
The alternative, though…!
My property manager recommended picking up a basic, plus 7-star plan, plus washer/dryer/fridge, to cover all the bases from the company they consider the best: Home Security of America evidently actually covers claims and uses reputable contractors.
Not to be confused with American Home Shield, the previous warranty company, and reputed to be an absolutely horrible company according to both my prop manager and Steph. That report is not hard to believe, incidentally. AHS was called to complete some minor repairs two months ago and they’re still dragging their feet. Boy, am I glad I changed away from them before we had anything serious happen.
HSA offers either a monthly or annual billing plan. I’d normally just do the billing plan to spread out the costs but chose to pay the full year in one go. I honestly don’t remember why but let’s pretend it was a good reason.
HSA even recently set up an online claims site. I much prefer to do everything online, especially so there is an easily accessibleĀ record and so I don’t have to talk to people for routine tasks, so that’s another point for HSA. Their price is a bit higher but I’d rather pay an insignificantly higher cost for assured better service. I’ve come a long way in my journey from being a tightwad to making wiser long term choices!
February 6, 2015
FYI: Not all of these LB-related posts will be in real time.
Full body rolls. Hellboy fists (knees?). Thrilla in Manila flurries of punching, kicking and flailing. Attempts to clamber up and excavate my ribs. Probes at the belly button like it’s a skylight and exit. This child had better be an athlete directly out of the womb.
There’s possibly nothing more convincing that I have next to no true control over this pregnancy and how it progresses aside from taking care of myself as best I can, as suddenly experiencing and watching a critter moving around inside me. I haven’t been steering any ship, I haven’t actively shepherded this growth situation. I’m almost just a person with a sidecar attached. It goes where I go and eats what I eat but otherwise …
And yet all this while, LB has been baking into an actual human with tiny limbs and opinions about which way we should be oriented, or whatĀ the best thing to eat or drink is.Ā At each check up, the doctor says, approvingly, everything appears normal and we’re “measuring exactly right” and it feels like validation but I don’t know what that really means. I expect it doesn’t matter as long as LB continues to grow and move around.
It’s continually surprising that while I’m basically living life: working, cleaning, trying to drink a lot of water, eat healthily and be a little more active than usual, there is a micro-universe in my abdominal region.
Which begs the question, where the hell have my abs gone? Not in a “where’s my six pack?” way. Or not solely that anyway, but when I sneeze, or try to sit up, which should normally activate the core muscles, there’s just this scary half clenchy feeling like my abs took off and left a gone fishing note behind. It also takes on this creepy cone shape and frightens the hell out of witnesses.
I’d been mostly lucky: I passed the 3 hour gestational diabetes test with distinction, I gained weight slowly and responsibly so my doctor quit cautioning me about rate of gain.
Then again: there were other issues. The fatigue continually compounded, constant infections that the doctor chalked up to stress, getting a cold-plague three days after getting the flu shot, then follow that up with the rash from hell.
This endeavor remains one of the toughest marathon projects I’ve ever committed to.
Still, things tick along. I get bigger and slower and more tired (how? HOW is that possible?) with every passing week and some days PiC stops in his tracks with a “whoa. You grew again.” It’s true. I did.
There’s a strange smidgen of pride that this is really happening, even if I’m not having any fun, that my broken body stepped up to the plate instead of refusing to engage. I really had no control over that, we had no idea if we’d be able to conceive given all the health issues I face.Ā There’s also the occasional flutter of panic, born of my control for the sake of sanity personality, that things are about to undergo an upheaval the likes of which we’ve never experienced. There’s some curiosity about who this little person is and will become.
I catch myself mourning Doggle, again and again, that he’d never meet his human sibling. He loved the smell of babies and all baby things, he’d have been in heaven sniffing over all the baby gear.
There’s a strong sense of mingled anticipation and nerves as the last weeks of the pregnancy seem to fall away like autumn leaves.
February 4, 2015
Life with DOG!
There’s no time that watching a dog sleep isn’t funny and Seamus is no exception.
He curls up so tightly that his back legs are tucked under his chin;
sticks his tongue out while sleeping;
snores, sleep-growls and barks;
startles himself out of sleep and he glares like I did it;
is likely to be on his back with all legs waving in the air about 60% of the time.
Also, I love it when he’s on his back, rubs his face with both paws, then topples over.
Medical woes
A bit of waltz with this fella. Skin looks horrible, skin improves, skin gets bad again, skin improves. We keep experimenting to see what gives him the most relief for the longest period of time.
A Dog and Our Money
This guy eats quite a lot. Easily 30% more than Doggle did and he still acts like he’s starving before the afternoon is over. His bones aren’t showing anymore, seven or eight gained pounds later, so we’re being careful not to overfeed him since his activity levels aren’t very high. He obviously doesn’t much appreciate that.
I had some luck picking up his special grain free diet at about $1.50/lb from petflow.com with a 20% discount, but aside from those one off special deals, our best bet for this particular brand is the local PetClub store. With a minor sale or coupon, we can get pretty close to $1.50/lb from them.
In case the medications alone aren’t doing the trick for his health and we need to change his diet, we may try a Twitter recommendation of the Kirkland Signature Nature’s Domain which is apparently just a repackaging of the Taste of the Wild brand. This recommendation comes from someone who only feeds her dog the best so I’m reasonably certain that it’s a decent high-quality alternative that would be good for him.
February 2, 2015
The Frugalwoods beat me to this topic. š
I was on Twitter bragging on PiC, as usual, the other weekend.
This time it was because he made me breakfast in bed. No reason. The night before, he’d asked if I wanted to put in my breakfast order, and in response to my “You must be joking” face, he wrote up an awesome “room service menu”.Ā He not only promptly fulfilled that breakfast order in the morning, he went to run errands so I could rest and then came home bearing the gifts of cinnamon rolls from a specialty grocery that Linda had just recommended on Twitter that very morning. Note: I’d just mentioned that it’d be nice to look out for them. That wasn’t a coded hint.
After I shared this, she jokingly said if we were on reality TV, I’d be the target for some good old fashioned catfighting.
Naturally I had to escalate the bragging and point out he’s not just this awesome to me but also to my good friends. He’s great about taking care of them as if they were his friends first when they’re visiting and as Exhibit A, called in SingleMa to attest to his awesome… only that backfired as she confessed to liking him better than she likes me. HARUMPH! He’s not even ON Twitter and Twitter is always on his side. Oh, to be so charmed.
[I’d say charming but I can’t characterize him as such since there’s some connotation in my head of that being a conscious effort or an intentional thing that is cultivated and the very charm of his wonderfulness is his consideration of others is sincere and instinctive and not at all calculated.]
But it warms my cold shriveled heart enough that I can almost forgive the fact that they’re always siding with or defending him on Twitter when I jokingly fight with him.
What’s my point? Other than the fact that I highly appreciate my fantastic spouse?
Valentine’s Day is coming up and, as usual, it will be observed in my traditionally avoid-it-entirely manner.
For one thing, it’s a Hallmark holiday. For another, wasting money on an overpriced meal out, flowers, and unnecessary gifts do not spell out L-O-V-E.
Forcing the fake romance is a surefire tactic to irritate the crap out of me:
First, by making me get dressed and leave the house. I choose to be a hermit for a reason.
Second, wasting time trying to park in the city because that’s always an exercise in not lobbing Molotov cocktails at horrible drivers. Mentally of course…. Just mentally…
Third, wasting money! Oooh the sin of wasting money! Money that could be buying me more comic books or another set of stocks.
Fourth, you can’t buy a healthy relationship. There’s nothing broken in a relationship that a Valentine’s dinner will fix. Just like marriage isn’t a bandaid for a relationship with commitment problems, Valentine’s Day isn’t the secular version of rogue Catholics selling indulgences. This doesn’t solve anything.
When everything is well, when you’ve put in the hard work to build a healthy relationship, there’s nothing a dozen dozen roses can say that a single one wouldn’t say just as eloquently.
I’ve said before, the truest path to my heart is not through opening the wallet, but through the little things that say you’re in this, together and wholeheartedly, whether that’s in a semi-crappy hotel room or safe and snug at home.
This time last year, we were a different and smaller family, soon to find out we were going to become parents to a wee human.
This time many years ago, we had just discovered each other, embarking on the start of a long road hand in hand.
This time many years hence, I hope we’ll be enjoying the fruits of our labor, with pride in our accomplishments: a happy healthy family, reflecting on meaningful careers, secure in our finances.
What is your Valentine’s (or anti-Valentine’s) wish and tradition?